I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

[itisnotgoingwelltoday]

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

oh, i remb being 12 and having to muck out before school!

used "the ponies escaped" excuse loads of times when we were late {grin}

You sound like a really nice genuine hardworking loving Mam and I am not saying this to be nasty as I feel you have probably had a lot to put up with from XH who sounds like aright tosser but if he won't be the adult here you have to put your foot down over this. Iam not really phased about your DD1 or DD2 getting themselves up doing the dishwasher or getting their own breakfast none of that will kill them. BUT I have been around horses since I was born and the only thing you can predict about them is that there unpredictable.I don't like the fact that you purchased 2 horses for less than a grand because they hadn't been broken and they couldn't be ridden and now XH is allowing a child of DD1 age to be in sole charge at mucking out time! How far are the stables from the house? Has DD1 got a mobile phone with her for emergencies would XH get his arse out of bed to answer it? The fact that the girls love the animals is no protection it only makes the situation more dangerous I know enough to back off if a horse is playing up your girl is simply not old enough at 12 to have the responsibilty of making the right choices for her and her little sis if it all goes wrong and believe me it can go wrong real quick.

YANBU.

Your ex is a wanker - I am also tending to the view that he wants your DDs there so he has even fewer chores to do.

You're absolutely right, if you'd posted saying, "IABU to stay in bed while my 12yo mucks out two ponies and gets my 9yo ready for school", you would have got your arse handed to you in a sling. Apparently we have lower standards for dads.

No advice on the morning issue... but when he forgets or is late for pickup, you should make damn sure you're not in. Take the DDs out to a cafe or something.

when he forgets or is late for pickup, you should make damn sure you're not in. Take the DDs out to a cafe or something

I agree, don't sit in waiting for him.

Beeismo - I agree totally with what you are saying - I too have been around horses all my life. But I don't like the way you've criticised me for purchasing two horses for under a grand and broken them myself.

I can assure you that I am more than capable of breaking two ponies - I have done so before and I will do so again. I could not count the number of horses/ponies I've broken in my life.

The stables are right next to the house - literally in the same yard, I thought I'd explained that.

As to going out to a cafe, the problem is that he is keeping them on those evenings to enable me to go to work really early the next morning, so going out would only be cutting off my mose to spite my face.

As I said, the problem is that he has me over a barrel.

As I explained as well, he says he mucks them out the other mornings, but I'm there most evenings one way or another and I do them with the girls when I'm there.

Not trying to miss out any points!

Damned if you do, eh, OP?

If you're not religious yourself, I would at least put your foot down about the church thing, or at least make it a condition of your agreement that he get up with the girls in the morning.

I am rolling my eyes at his mother still cooking all his meals and doing his housework for him. Jesus.

I have to agree with Beeismo regarding the unpredictability of horses - even the best tempered horse can react suddenly to something, maybe a horsefly bite, wasp sting, loud bangs, anything. And yes, it would be hard to deal with as a 12yo, however long she has been around horses - the maturity isn't there yet.

Mind you - doesn't sound much like your exH has any maturity either - is he also a horsey person, has he dealt with them all his life too?

OK. Another tack ('scuse the pun) - is there any way you can change your working hours so you don't have to do those early mornings or are they set in stone? As you say, your ex currently has you over a barrel with you needing his help for those - if you could remove that need, you would have more ability to put your foot down, maybe?

Have read the first and last. No mention of how the dd's feel about this at all. If they are happy with it and want to go, I would say fine providing there is supervision around the horses. If they are not happy with it then I would say - the situation changes and very veyr quickly.

As for expecting a 12 year old to start her day alone, I think it's dreadful. My DC are more than capable - but I am around in the mornings, have a chat, and give them a hug before they leave. They are 12 and 16 by the way and they are my children and I want to see them in the mornings to make sure they are set up for their day.

onceamai, there is mention of how the dds feel somewhere in this thread - they're not overkeen on the situation, apparently.

(Do you have the facility enabled where all the OP's posts are highlighted? means you can skim through a thread much faster! If you don't, go into Customise and look down the list of options - you have the choice to highlight all the OP's posts, and all of your own! Invaluable, I find :))

Oh brilliant - thanks. Just think these girls need a bit more love when they're with their dad and hope the OP's going to stop this arrangement fast if they aren't happy with it.

I agree that they need more love from their dad, for sure.

The current arrangement will stop in June once term finishes, and will depend on my hours again next term in September - trust me, starting early those two days is not something I want to be doing, but it is something I could not get out of.

I suppose leaving the ponies out of it (which it seems I'm going to be damned for whatever I do), I think he needs to take responsibility for the kids when they are in his care and actively parent, rather than just providing a roof over their heads?

I still don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to be up to see DD1 before she goes to school, I don't think his mother should be doing his washing and stuff but that's his business, the point I was making is that if you take out what she does, and take out what the kids do, there's very little left that he does, IYSWIM?

DD1 doesn't like having to get DD2 up and ready.

The other thing is the shouting at me and being aggressive around me - he says he's not he's just "frustrated" but I don't think it's acceptable to shout at me because the kids forgot something, or to kick inanimate objects from temper.

I did say to him that if he couldn't cope with sharing care and having to drop off/pick up stuff then I would take full care and he could see them every other weekend. That did not go down well.

As to him being late, and never turning up on time when he's arranged to pick the kids up, I did think before of putting the kids in the car and dropping them to his mother's - texting him after 20 minutes to say where are you. And warning him before that I would do it, obviously. But if I got no response and he wasn't there by 30 minutes after the agreed time then put kids in the car and take them to his mother's.

But then she would use that as yet another stick to beat me with (bad mother, can't keep own kids etc etc) and it's punishing the kids because he's an arse - they would be the ones who would suffer, not him iyswim?

With regard to the situation with his "church" - well I am not going to agree to mediation with any pastor from that church. I think the ideas they peddle are misogynistic, anti-female, racist, homophobic and there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I would ever have anything to do with them. Funnily enough, DD1 is starting to kick off about going, so I may use that as an excuse to stop it on my weekends. The problem is they get "prizes" and stuff for full attendance and are made to feel bad if they aren't there every week.

I really don't know what to do for the best. I feel like for as long as the DD's are young, he'll use them to control me.

But your DDs are getting older, aren't they. Is it worth going to see a solicitor to get some advice about it all? If your DDs aren't happy with the situation then your primary obligation is of course to them, as you know - and while I don't believe that children should have things all their own way, neither do I believe that they should be continually subjected to things that make them unhappy.

Don't their horsey things clash with church? can they do so?

I gtg to work shortly so this is brief - sorry

No, they go to the horsey stuff after Church - event they go to starts at 3 so time to get home, get fed and rush out the door lol.

He does NOT approve of the horses - doesn't like the fact there's events on Sundays, doesn't like that he can't control who DD1 socialises with as a result of it.

I dunno - I want to make it work as amicably as possible and not have a fight over it all. And I really do think that what he does when he has them is up to him, but I do not agree with him being reckless as to whether they are in danger, which I what I believe is happening over the mornings.

It is interesting to wonder what he would do if I was kicking DD1 out to school without making breakfast, or even seeing her!

But he's very NPD and passive aggressive and has this image of the "reasonable" man.

My DD (now 13) has been getting more and more unhappy about going to her Dad's for a year or so. IME, it won't be long before your ex has to pull his socks up or your eldest will refuse to go or make his life hell when she does It has been hard for me (like you, I have been the compromising peacekeeper over the years) to deal with this, but I have supported my dd and we have made real progress. My ex is also an arrogant sod who is only ever right about everything and he has been hit hard by this.

However, we do not have the complication of horses as we live in a city. Can you afford livery?

I had a pony when I was your dd's age and mucked him out every morning until one day, aged 14, I asked my parents to sell him as I couldn't be bothered any more.

I will leave the ponies issue to one side as we'll have to agree to differ on that one. I let my kids light the fires and SIL thinks its the height of irresponsibility you are the Mam and the bottom line is it your call. Please don't let this man continue to 'put you over a barrel' he is not king of the world he is a inadequate pathetic loser who has done a good job of manipulating everyone around him into doing what he wants. His Mother probably sees him as the victim of your break up hence running up his backside and I think the religion thing is a way of him exerting control. Think of him as a big fat lazy spider who has you in his web now (this is going to get very corny}he thinks your a weak little butterfly so what you have to do is turn into a bee and start stinging him. Look to the people in your life who can help you, your family, friends the girls friends possibly even XMIL you feel like your sinking under the weight of what going on but there will be a better time for you and your girls. I have no doubt the girls will see through their Dads behaviour and start to se him for the waste of space he is. Try not to get so upset as within a few short years most of this will have resolved itself.

Beeismo - sorry but I don't understand why I'm to be criticised for buying unbroken ponies and breaking them, schooling them up and selling at a profit?

Given that I've been around horses all my life, and have done it before - why is this wrong?

Someone has to break and school a horse up, why should I pay someone else to do it when I can do it myself?

You may have to be prepared to have to give up your job over this one, if the unreliability is interfering with your ability to do it.

Explain to your ex that your ability to work hinges on him keeping his side of the bargain, and that you will not be renewing your contract in June unless he does his fair share. And that you will be applying to the courts for full-time care of the children from that point on.

Basically, then, he has until June to sort himself out - otherwise he's paying for everything from that point on.

Don't worry about the money side at the moment - that'll have to be sorted out depending on his behaviour, and there is a lot at stake here, so he will probably mend his ways long before June.

You really have to take a bit of control on this one, and stick to your guns. Sounds like you are used to doing this in the rest of your life, and that whatever you do, you'll make a success of it. It's just dealing with this idiot which has you temporarily stumped, because he thinks he holds all the cards. Well, he doesn't.

As another poster said, your girls won't be young forever - you just have to get by for a few more years before all three of you wimmin are independent!

Please reread my posts I have said we'll have to agree to differ if I started to go on a poor ponies rant it would be very unfair as your upset enough already. I am sure when you purchased said ponies you thought you had adequate means both financial and practical to look after them. However it was you that first raised the issue of care for the ponies. I am making no judgment on you what so ever but want now to get the point across that as a general observation I am sick of people who pay buttons for a animal and then out of ignorance or change of cirumstances neglect them.You can keep ponies on the cheap but not if you do it right vets bill, proper feed adequate covers for winter regular blacksmithing ect. I am never going to believe that especially in the current climate you are making a profit. We do it as part of our living and the is no profit to be had.

Beeismo - I have been around horses all my life. I have been breaking ponies/horses since I was a teenager. Why would I not take advantage of that?

I deeply resent the implication in your last post that the ponies are in some way neglected - the blacksmith comes regularly, and if they need any vet care they get it. They are wormed on a regular basis, and have all injections and are checked often by the vet.

Not that it's relevant or even any of your business, as this was all done before me and the ex split anyway, but my DP now is a vet, he is the ponies vet and he sees them often and would do anything they needed.

When did I ever state that it was anything to do with money? Or trying to keep the ponies on the cheap?

Adequate covers for winter - each pony has a proper stable, 12ft by 12ft, there are halogen lightbulb things in them that provide heat, they have water piped into the stables.

Haylage is provided for them, supplementary feed as well. Along with licks hanging from the ceiling.

They have loads of rugs - both stable, and turnout rugs which are washed and cleaned and re-waterproofed when required.

And if you don't think I can buy a pony, break and school it, up to grade A level, and then sell said pony and make a profit (discounting the fact that DD1 has ridden and had enjoyment out of the pony while this is happening) then there's not much I can say.

The ONLY issue with the care for the ponies is NOT that the ponies aren't adequately cared for, it's that the XH is letting the girls do the care on their own, which I disagree with.

I am at the stable almost every day and would be more than capable of telling if the ponies were not being adequately cared for and would take steps if necessary if I thought they weren't.

Since he does not see them that often(?) you´d think that he would want to be up & about in the mornings tbh.

If the only thing that keeps the girls going there is the ponies, it´s a shame that you can´t have them near you.

Diddl - he has them overnight two nights a week, plus every other weekend, so I suppose he does see them - but a lot of the weekend time I have the DD's because they are at horse stuff.

I can't unfortunately - wish I could. But his house is only up the road 5 mins in the car so it's not that far apart

I feel like I am getting pasted because my DD's have ponies, which I had to say because I have experience of horses and I think he's putting the girls at unneccessary risk by letting them muck out on their own.

I really don't see how how much the ponies cost is relevant, and I resent the implications that they aren't well looked after - the ponies are spoilt rotten and very well cared for!

But the basic point is WWYD - he won't get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, only gets up in time to take DD2, tells them he'll come to events and then lets them down, is constantly late if he arranges with me to pick them up, criticises me and shouts at me in front of the DD's over stuff that isn't my fault, and uses the DD's to control me.