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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be nice if me and DP went to bed together?

147 replies

Yukana · 09/03/2011 22:01

(I've been contemplating making this topic for a while, but after a while decided I'd go ahead with it. Be gentle please.)

Me and DP used to go to bed together, and usually wake up around the same time.

I'm not sure when it started, but now we don't go to bed together. I'm pregnant and go to bed anywhere between 10pm and midnight, but DP never goes to bed with me and always stays up until 2-4am on average playing World of Warcraft - an online game he used my laptop for.

I miss going to bed together, it was nice snuggling under the covers and wishing each other goodnight. In the morning we'd get up and greet each other, then get on with our day. I enjoy his company in the mornings.

Now I think mainly because DP doesn't go to bed until very late, it's the reason why he struggles and often makes a fuss about getting up before say, 11am, or more regularly - noon. He even grumbles when I suggest or ask for him to go to bed earlier.

AIBU To wish he'd go to bed and wake up a bit earlier? To miss it?

OP posts:
Underachieving · 09/03/2011 22:06

YANBU, it's a sad situation. I do what your husband does sometimes, although not online games just the internet in general. I go through phases of it when I withdraw and don't want to interract with anyone 'real'. There's reasons/baggage behind it for me. For your DH it could be as simple as being a bit bored maybe? I suggest you tell him you're lonely and you miss his company/cuddles. Then have a night out together, doesn't have to be a big deal, a trip to the cinema and back for an early night together would be a good routine breaker.

HeartSkipsABeat · 09/03/2011 22:07

Does he work? Confused

CheerfulYank · 09/03/2011 22:07

YANBU to miss it, certainly! DH and I get up around the same time but hardly go to bed at the same time anymore. He stays up late and then drives me batty complaining that he's tired . I really miss it, I wish we went to bed at the same time. But I feel like he's an adult and I can't force him to go to bed obviously. It's the only "alone time" he gets, so I don't complain, but I wish we got more snuggle time.

HeartSkipsABeat · 09/03/2011 22:08

"I go through phases of it when I withdraw and don't want to interract with anyone 'real'."

Yes absolutely. If I've had a shit day all I want is an hour or 3 alone with my iPhone and all you lovely MNers!

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 22:08

Does he not have a job to go to?

hardhatdonned · 09/03/2011 22:09

YANBU and the internet is the scourge of many relationships. Perhaps you both need to talk it through and turn internet access off at, say, or 9pm so you can have a bit of QT before bed?

Problem with WoW is that the majority of players seem to be nocturnal brits or americans on a different time zone so i suppose to get the most out of the experience he needs to be online at those times (to his mind).

LordVolAuVent · 09/03/2011 22:11

does he not work then? yanbu if you're upset but if he doesn't have to get up for work/kids it's not against the law, he can go to bed when he wants, i suppose. altho i'd be questioning why he'd changed, is it less sex during pregnancy???

DH is a chef so works a lot of eves/nights then has to wind down when he comes in, so we rarely go to bed together,as he goes pretty late then he sleeps later in the morning, so it is usually me who gets up with DS but at least that's because he's working. it's shit but it's our life. i would NOT be impressed if it was to play computer.. have u considered what will happen when u have your baby presumably your first)?

MCos · 09/03/2011 22:15

I am guilty of doing this too. We used to go to bed at same time. But I want longer to wind down after kids go to bed the DH does. So I end up going to bed later. In my case, it is a bad habit, one I should break. My DH went to bed 15 mins ago, and here I am on MN... And I KNOW I do need more sleep.

Mahraih · 09/03/2011 22:15

YANBU at all.

DP and I used to go to bed at the same time when we were both working. Since being heavily pregnant and then giving birth, I tend to get to sleep much earlier and he'll stay up on the internet.

It doesn't annoy me as DS is only 4 weeks (and DP isn't on the internet a ridiculous amound) but I can imagine that it will Great idea from hardhatdonned - negotiate an internet turn-off time?

DP and I try to go out for dinner once a week or so (even with newborn), which helps as it is QT, and also eat dinner together even if I then go and collapse in bed and he motors on. When you're PG/have a young child, you reclaim time when you can. He isn't helping by devoting so much of his time to a game, and you need to address that with him.

Original poster
Yukana · 09/03/2011 22:24

DP doesn't work, I'm eighteen and he is twenty four, and DP is looking for work, had a couple of very temporary jobs but nothing permanent/full-time. It's so hard to find anything in the area, especially seeing as we don't have a car.

It's our first child, although I'm not worried about what happens after the birth, it drives me crazy knowing everyday DP is waiting for me to get off the laptop so he can go on World of Warcraft. I have an account on there too, and I know he enjoys the game, although I certainly like it far less than I used to.

He used to have his own laptop, which has broken and we don't have the money for a new one. For months he has been saying 'God I wish I had my own laptop', and saving his money for a laptop, which ended up having to go on bills and such.

I guess the main problem is him not having his own laptop, but the timing isn't great. We need to move out into a place which has room for the baby, and buy things for the baby.

OP posts:
HeartSkipsABeat · 09/03/2011 22:26

Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit TBH.

Quattrocento · 09/03/2011 22:29

Frankly both you and your DP sound as though you need to grow up

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 22:32

god almighty.. Hmm

neither of you sound fit to be bringing a child into the world...

hardhatdonned · 09/03/2011 22:34

Pink hair

Politixmum · 09/03/2011 22:35

YANBU, it would be nice for you to have a cuddle. However when the baby is born, it will be all change for both of you. Both of you will have the baby to think of and build your family life around.

After the baby is born, he may not get much chance to go on WoW, if it was me I might let him get the game=time in while he can.

Maybe negotiate a deal? Ask him to come and give you a half hour cuddle while you are going to sleep before going back to WoW? (I think asking him once or twice a week to have an early night will not work unfortunately, as he will not be in the habit.)

winnybella · 09/03/2011 22:38

Well, I guess with him waking up at noon he's not that desperate to find a job Hmm

He needs to grow up, and fast.

I would be worried about what hapens when the baby is born.

Jeeesus.

Quattrocento · 09/03/2011 22:39

So let me get this quite straight

You don't mention work, so I am guessing that you don#t work

Your DP doesn't work

You both do what? Claim benefits?

So he dosses around all the time on WOW

And your complaint is that he doesn't go to bed at the same time as you?

You're not complaining that he is basically idling his life away, not being economically productive, and in fact being a bit of a leech on society

You're complaining that he doesn't go to bed at the same time

Right

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 22:40

neither of you sound fit to be bringing a child into the world...

that's a bit strong, Squeaky

pozzled · 09/03/2011 22:40

I know exactly what you mean, both about WoW and the different bedtimes.

My DH needs less sleep than me and often comes to bed a couple of hours later. I've just got used to it really and don't mind it too much, although he does get up at roughly the same time. It would annoy me much more if he was having long lie-ins because then I wouldn't see him in the morning and evening.

It sounds like you do need to have a good talk with your DP about the time he is spending on WoW though. He needs to know that he won't be able to be playing for so long once the baby arrives. Is he in a guild where he feels committed to being online for others, or can he change his game time to suit himself? I think you both need to make sure you have realistic expectations about how your life is about to change.

FunnysInTheGarden · 09/03/2011 22:41

Fear not, when the baby is here things will (or should) change in a babys heart beat. DH and I don't go to bed together. He goes to bed at 10ish and I tidy up and go to bed at 11ish, Then he gets up with the DC at about 6.30/7am and I get up at 7.15. Tis all fair in love and childcare. Hopefully your DP will get his head around this when the baby arrives. If not you will have a lot more than bedtime 'snuggles' to worry about

FunnysInTheGarden · 09/03/2011 22:43

Quattro maybe he works shifts? Between 1pm and 10pm ?

FunnysInTheGarden · 09/03/2011 22:44

scrap that, just seen he doesn't work..........

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 22:45

he doesn't work, funnys

it doesn't make him "unfit to bring a child into the world" though

he sounds like an immature, lazy arse however

Quattrocento · 09/03/2011 22:46

Immature lazy arses do not make the best of parents

Good luck though

I've a feeling you might need it

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 22:48

no they don't quattro, that is true

unfit I dunno

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