To think it would be nice if me and DP went to bed together?

[Yukana]

(I've been contemplating making this topic for a while, but after a while decided I'd go ahead with it. Be gentle please.)

Me and DP used to go to bed together, and usually wake up around the same time.

I'm not sure when it started, but now we don't go to bed together. I'm pregnant and go to bed anywhere between 10pm and midnight, but DP never goes to bed with me and always stays up until 2-4am on average playing World of Warcraft - an online game he used my laptop for.

I miss going to bed together, it was nice snuggling under the covers and wishing each other goodnight. In the morning we'd get up and greet each other, then get on with our day. I enjoy his company in the mornings.

Now I think mainly because DP doesn't go to bed until very late, it's the reason why he struggles and often makes a fuss about getting up before say, 11am, or more regularly - noon. He even grumbles when I suggest or ask for him to go to bed earlier.

AIBU To wish he'd go to bed and wake up a bit earlier? To miss it?

She did ask for honest opinions. I defended her on her last post but i do think it was wrong to give him the baby money for a laptop when they already have one.

Yes, fifi but does that mean she 'shouldn't be allowed to breed'? No it doesn't.

no i didnt say that but she is going to have to get her priorities right. If she is on benefits moneys tight and baby things dont come cheap

Because everyone is judgemental, whether they admit it or not. How come a teenager with a deadbeat partner who lives in a fantasy world is allowed to bring yet another benefit baby into the world?
Sick to death of our country's finances being wasted on this sort of thing tbh.

Yes I am aware of that, but the responses here are very harsh. Some people don't give a toss about anything other than 'young mum on benefits' and so they get the pitchforks out! It has especially annoyed me how people have suggested that her 'mental health problems' e.g eating disorder and anxiety mean she shouldn't have a baby! People admit all kinds of worrying things on here, but if they are ten years older and pay tax then the responses are very different

Because Gay40 for all you know, she may well be a much better mum, than a middle class 35 year old who has paid tax for years. That is possible you know! To be honest, I'd worry about your parenting skills, can't be good for a child having such a nasty judgemental parent.

College should be free as he is under 25 with no qualifications and on benefits. Same for you OP you will get it paid for by the government

No i dont agree with some of the comments either but shes asking if shes dont the right thing. I am giving her advice. The more she gives him and lets him do what he wants the worse it will get. Buying him a laptop will only make the situation worse. I paid £100 for a reconditioned netbook. £300 out of your baby fund is a lot of money. As i said before i am on benefits and i couldnt possibly justify paying £300 for a laptop especially with a baby on the way. Yes she's young but she is also asking for advice. I dont think its good advice telling her to buy a laptop for him to play on when thats the original reason for her post.

Agree with fifi.
Giving DP the very thing that will allow him to continue with this bad habit just sends the wrong messages to him. OP has kind of bribed him and used the baby money to give him what he wants, she doesn't want to be setting a precedent.

The anxiety and eating disorders don't automatically make OP an unfit mother but they're going to make things more difficult. All new mums need support, OP has lots of extra stress and tbh her DP is just immensely adding to it all, OP can't be "The Grown Up", he is going to be a Father and needs to wake up!

Age is irrelevant to me, I'm not a lot older than OP myself, just feel it may be a very difficult and lonely time for OP when the baby arrives and wanted to be honest with her.

Thank you, SequinsAndSparkles.

DP has thankfully started getting his Jobseekers now, they haven't paid him for eight weeks due to them losing pay slips and general disorganisation, so that was problematic. He will be able to give me the money back once he received his backdated payment. So, it isn't too bad. My grandparents have £1000 ready for us that they have saved since the day I was born, towards baby or a possible deposit for a privately-rented house, and I also have £500 from my father's grandmother. However, I'm not planning to touch the money unless we find a place we like or later on for the baby.

I do have mental health problems, but I have faith in myself and am trying my best to be positive, working my way up to things I couldn't do before - (going outside was something that I could only do a few times a year when I was younger, and my eating disorder was much more severe) but things have improved, and I believe they will continue to do so. I am also arranging a psychologist/mental health professional to talk to as I believe it may be beneficial. The support from my friends and family though has been wonderful and they have helped me more than any professional ever has, I'm grateful to them.

DP isn't planning on going on WoW all the time. I just didn't want him to put the baby in front of that game during the time he gets to play it, and wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable on that one. He wants a full time job, and I believe he will be much happier once he is either in a full time job or some form of education. Neither are easy, but for different reasons as I have also stated before. He has depression and post traumatic stress disorder, he doesn't like to talk about things that happened in the army but he is slowly opening up.

Just because I am eighteen doesn't mean I can't love and look after my baby. I talk to and worry about my baby every day, I'm excited and plan different things for the future too. DP is also excited, smiles and puts his hand on my bump.

Thank you however, for the honest and gentle opinions.

Gay40 I don't think you're sticking to the rules of this forum "we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. " That sounded like a personal attack to me. If you want to have a rant about benefits, suggest you go and start your own thread and stop going off the topic of this one. Also this "deadbeat partner" you mentioned has been in the army - served his country - I'm betting you never have... Some people try harder to be understanding, rather than judgemental.

Yukana, really suggest you leave this thread alone and find a less judgemental thread to ask for support on (not that all the posters are being judgemental, but too many are here). I also think you sound v mature for your age and v sensible - you are doing the right things for the baby, tackling your eating disorder, trying to prepare your DP etc - you'll be a great mum.

I suspect your DP isn't the first dad-to-be to underestimate the amount of hard work a baby is until it arrives. I agree with mumcanihavearabbit (great name, btw!) that college funding may well be possible in your circs, it could be good to look into that. It's a lot harder to break any obsession, or addiction, without something to move onto to encourage you to do something else. If you could help find your DP a course he'd be interested in and means to get the funds to do it, it may be a way to break the WoW habit. I also wonder if you may be able to get any help from charities to set up for ex service men - aren't the army meant to help reintegration into civilian life? Am quite handy with a search engine, let me know if I could help with looking stuff like that up.

The other thing I wonder is how much support you have for when the baby comes? Do you have other relatives around who can help out if your DP struggles when the reality hits?! If not, definitely try to sign up for antenatal classes and meet some other mums in your area. Good luck and stay away from AIBU!

why not try the forces sweetheart section. Someone might have some advice about your partner post traumatic stress or some advice for you on how to deal with it

www.direct.gov.uk/en/EducationAndLearning/AdultLearning/FinancialHelpForAdultLearners/DG_10033130

OP you are beautifully articulate. I think you have a very bright future ahead of you. Good luck

I may ask DP if the British Royal Legion can help him, as I don't think we have tried that yet. I do think like one or two people mentioned before it might be simply due to boredom. We live in the middle of nowhere, an expensive bus every two hours and well, I guess that's about it!
My mother and grandparents are at the ready, very excited for our August arrival. My grandmother has even started buying things for us, we couldn't stop her! My entire family are supportive, for that I am grateful. And because our family is well known in the village - I grew up within it - they are also offering help in various ways.

I have asked my midwife for information on antenatal classes, and have also made two new friends who have little ones nearby. :)

I'll be leaving this topic alone now, but thank you for the range of opinions.

Yukana just wanted to add, your last post was very calm and sensible (compared to some uncivilised ones on here, I have reported Gay40's post to Mumsnet and asked for it to be removed for breaching forum rules). Really pleased that you are getting the support you need from family and friends. I admire the way you are tackling both yours and DP's MH issues (I know from experience with bipolar husband that it's not always easy).

OP I have posted a link regarding help with funding for courses. Please take a look.

Yakuna I just wanted to apologise for my initial post. It wasn't harsh - which many have been imo - but a bit knee jerk none the less. I wrote it when you had only posted the OP so had nothing else to go on, and at first glance I was concerned that your DP was not giving you a fair pregnancy or going to be pulling his weight when the baby arrived.

I still think that he would do well to spend time with you in the evening talking and cuddling. You many nights ahead where a couple of hours uninterupted will seem like a distant dream! And I still wonder whether he is going to be in for a bit of shock, but then isn't everyone when they have their first.

But I was too quick to judge form an opinion and I think you sound fabulous: intelligent, kind, warm and perfectly ready to be a good mother (something I never doubted), and I am sure once your DP has a job and baby to think about, WOW will take a back seat.

Good luck

You have - sorry

You sound very level headed.

If your DP is suffering post traumatic stress there is a charity with a 24/7 helpline available. It is called Combat Stress. I heard a former soldier talking about it on the radio today. Might be good for your DP to talk, if there is an issue there.

Good luck.

Give the girl a break. She has been subjected to some judgemental shit here and still comes back in a very grown up level headed way to put across her POV.

Good Luck with your baby Yukana. Ignore the fuckwits. It sounds like you are doing the best you can.

OP you have coped amazingly well with some really judgmental posts sounding off on this thread. I have been quite upset myself by the things people felt entitled to say to you, so I can't imagine how you must have felt.

I don't think your DP should sit the baby in front of WoW. I think how you manage your finances is up to you; the laptop was clearly an issue and your DP has pitched in with the finances, paying bills with money he wanted for the laptop.

Has your DP looked into courses at the Open University? These can be done mainly from home - in fact lots of the studying is done on the internet these days, are much cheaper than traditional degrees and there is a lot of funding support available to people to do the degrees. If your DP got a job, he could still do it while continuing his studies too. Just as you very intelligently say, if your DP was involved in some studying or something else, he would probably be less interested in WoW.

Good luck!

xxx