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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be nice if me and DP went to bed together?

147 replies

Yukana · 09/03/2011 22:01

(I've been contemplating making this topic for a while, but after a while decided I'd go ahead with it. Be gentle please.)

Me and DP used to go to bed together, and usually wake up around the same time.

I'm not sure when it started, but now we don't go to bed together. I'm pregnant and go to bed anywhere between 10pm and midnight, but DP never goes to bed with me and always stays up until 2-4am on average playing World of Warcraft - an online game he used my laptop for.

I miss going to bed together, it was nice snuggling under the covers and wishing each other goodnight. In the morning we'd get up and greet each other, then get on with our day. I enjoy his company in the mornings.

Now I think mainly because DP doesn't go to bed until very late, it's the reason why he struggles and often makes a fuss about getting up before say, 11am, or more regularly - noon. He even grumbles when I suggest or ask for him to go to bed earlier.

AIBU To wish he'd go to bed and wake up a bit earlier? To miss it?

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 09/03/2011 23:46

Fifi its ok we dont all think like err certain folk - Just believe in Karma it helps

very well put LORDVOL

Its shameful. Shock

Quattrocento · 09/03/2011 23:48

Off to bed now. See, I have to get up at 6am for work :) If you lot want to carry on arguing about the divine right of lazy blokes to stay in bed until midday, I'll be back tomorrow. After work, of course.

Suspect the poor OP has had to surrender her laptop to said lazy bloke.

fifi25 · 09/03/2011 23:50

Lucky you

lovenamechange100 · 09/03/2011 23:52

Shove off then, you sound like a lovely generous person, bet you wouldnt pay your taxes if you had a choice. Hope your jobs secure, it certainly musnt be with a charity judging by your nature.

BTW It is really insensitive to make such comments, both persons in OP are in the age bracket where unemployment is very high and are struggling at the tail end of a recession.

coinoperatedgirl · 10/03/2011 00:03

Jesus christ this thread is shameful, her dp is looking for work, it's not exactly easy to come by in these times.

She can't exactly look for work, being pg and all, not many employers will take on a pg employee.

Mn is shameful at times, this being one of them. People can be night owls without being lazy arses, he obviously doesn't play the game until she has gone to bed. How the fuck do you know what he is doing for the rest of his waking time. Jobs are offered online, he could be applying for many jobs per day.

I hate all this my taxes bollocks, like a fucking decent job, that pays a living wage, is so easy to come by these days.

My dp in the last month walked countless miles doing his lowly job. For which he was reimbursed £875, less than we get in tax credits. It's a fucking joke, I hope all of these people complaining, get exactly what they deserve. A world devoid of the lower classes where they have to do every single menial task themselves.

Good luck with that.

positivesteps · 10/03/2011 02:27

Quattro what job do you do? You sound bitter that you have to go to work at 6am. You don't need to take your bitterness out on other people. Your very negative.

From the way you have gone on you sound like you think your the prime minister. You don't decide how taxes are distributed do you? I bet you get some form of benefit that our taxes pay don't you.?

Yes benefits should be distributed for people who are desperate but I don't think you should be so judge mental of the op when you don't know her . Maybe concentrate more on your own life and ways to make yourself more money and become a happier person.

CheeseandGherkins · 10/03/2011 02:43

Ok ignoring the rest, ask him what he's up doing on WoW at 2-4am? Assuming he's on a UK server?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/03/2011 09:29

OP... It is difficult when one of you wants to go to bed at a different time, I have that same problem as my DH is a nightbird and I'm not.

The particular thing that worries me is World of Warcraft... I've heard some real horror stories of how people are sucked in and really become terribly addicted to playing it. My cousin's boy was so hooked, getting him off it was like kidnapping somebody from a cult... Confused

manicbmc · 10/03/2011 09:41

I love WOW. It's where I met my dp.

The OP's dp does need to grow up a bit and hopefully he will once the baby arrives.

It's more about respect and compromise - both things that you need for a good relationship really.

Politixmum · 10/03/2011 11:08

Mare11bp - well said. I am really disappointed to see how people are jumping in to judge an 18 year old expecting her first baby and asking for a bit of support and advice about a specific issue. I think it shows maturity and consideration that a young woman will reach out on a networking site for some advice on an issue, instead of jumping in and having a pop at her bloke.

Yukana's DP doesn't have his own laptop because although he manages to save a bit of money towards it, he then spends it on the household bills - what is irresponsible about that?

Quattrocento - as you seem to know it all, how about offering Yukana's DP a job? Or are you "dossing about" not having go yourself into a position where you can help the economy by becoming one of those private sector employers who are going to soak up the millions of people who are soon going to be on the dole because there just aren't jobs out there.

extremepie · 10/03/2011 11:17

Yukana, I am in a similar position to you, my OH stays up till all hours of the night (sometimes not even going to bed at all) and if he gets up before 12 I am a lucky girl.
We have been married nearly 5 years. When I was pregnant with our first son my waters broke at 5am, just as my husband was coming to bed from playing WoW.
He managed to fully level a character in 3 weeks when we had a newborn baby, so you can imagine how much time he spent on there.
It is the same to this day, he doesn't work but he does stay at home with the kids while I work (which is actually better for us as a family).
Unfortunately I think if you are unhappy about this and don't 'nip it in the bud', things will not change, even after the baby is born.
I don't know your other half so I can't really comment on what sort of parent he will be but from my experience if he is that committed to playing the game, he will make time one way or another when the baby is here and you will end up doing most of the work.
I think I may have left it too late to change my OH's mind on the subject :(
(By the way, I was 21 when I was pregnant, he was 26 so similar ages too.)

MumSecret · 10/03/2011 11:24

Holy guacamole

Never mind the whole crappy benefits argument

Fact is OPs lifestyle is in for 1 big SHOCK pretty damn soon and I would imagine the WOW thing is going to become a much bigger issue about a whole lot more than cuddles in bed very soon

ringoffire · 10/03/2011 11:26

There are always jobs, it just depends on what you are prepared to do.
Unfortunately sometimes the benefits pay more than the jobs do

happiestblonde · 10/03/2011 11:27

I would leave someone over this - world of flipping warcraft over his pregnant partner? My serious advice to you would be to lock away the laptop at 10pm and tell him to man the fuck up. Sorry.

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 10/03/2011 11:29

My dh plays WoW, Final Fantasy and a host of other time consuming games which I don't personally like. Sometimes he will stay up much later than he should playing them (sometimes he won't even go to bed Hmm ) but if the baby or I need something or there is a job to do in the house, he won't hesitate to get off the computer to help out.

(Currently, he is waiting for a Save Game Point before he goes to the shop to buy bread and potatoes.)

He can be obsessed with the games while playing them but knows that life comes first. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke or gamble or go out partying with his friends at all hours so I'm happy to give him some time to do his own thing as long as I get time to do what I want in return.

I wouldn't make a fuss of it unless he is actually doing nothing at all all day except play WoW or if he ignores you completely because everyone needs their wind down time.

harassedinherpants · 10/03/2011 11:43

My dh plays WoW too. Nowhere near as much as he used to though, but sometimes will stay up late but on a weekend.

However, whilst I was in labour with dd (still at home, on my ball & watching Corrie!) he was on WoW, but when I came home the next day after giving birth the house was immaculate and he'd deleted all his characters because in his words WoW and babies don't mix.

He did start playing again, and still does. I don't mind tbh.

onlylivinggirl · 10/03/2011 11:48

Not sure the benefits stuff is really relevant or even what he is doing with his spare time...

I have the same issue re DP staying up late and I think it creates two issues

  1. lack of intimacy
  2. they are too tired to fully contribute

the second issue might be come clearer once you have the baby as it will create a need to get up- particular if you share feeds etc- it may be that it works well in that he could do any feeds from 10-2 and OP could get some sleep then and do the "later" bit.
As long as his game playing doesn't stop him doing his share I don't think it is a huge issue. Some people need more time on their own than others. I would just make some time to cuddle etc with each other

MooMooFarm · 10/03/2011 11:56

Haven't read through the whole thread, but he isn't going to find a job lying in bed till lunch time every day, is he?

I would be more concerned about that.

Northeastgirl · 10/03/2011 12:14

Some quite hostile comments on here........... good luck with your new baby when it arrives.

Dukeleto · 10/03/2011 12:31

some slightly unfair replies here, to my mind.
People need different total amounts and hours of sleep, and WHAT he spends his late evenings doing is an entirely separate issue.

Neither staying up late, or playing WoW makes him unfit to parent. He'll be doing a lot more of the former and a lot less of the latter once baby arrives, regardless!

I miss going to bed at the same time as my GF too, but the fact is that if I do go to bed at 10, I won't sleep that early anyway, and so will keep her awake. I definitely spend too much time online (MN isn't helping with that!) and gaming, and that contributes to insomnia, so I'm not claiming that it's ideal, but the point is it's not as simple as some are claiming.

WoW is not demanding, hardware wise, you could prolly get a netbook or something to run it for £200. Not that I'm making any assumptions about what you can afford, sorry.

fifi25 · 10/03/2011 12:35

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1168583-to-not-know-what-to-do-long-sorry

heres anoter thread about WoW, i think its a rather dangerous passtime TBH Smile

wordfactory · 10/03/2011 12:37

WOW and the like are very time and energy sapping. They are very addictive.

OP, your DP needs to put a time limit on his gaming...like any other activity. Then he needs to spend his time doing useful things.

And you need to tell him that you no longer like him staying up until all hours and would like him to stop.

Mare11bp · 10/03/2011 20:56

OP, I hope the constructive messages have been of use and you won't be discouraged from coming back, I am relatively new but there are some genuine helpful Mumsnetter's on here, ignore those who abuse the system to vent their own insecurities and inadequacies!!!!

Quattrocento · 10/03/2011 21:00

Is he out of bed yet?

NorthernGobshite · 10/03/2011 21:04

Me and dh almost never go to bed together. he works shifts a lot. Even when he's home he stays up until 2/3am as he is a nightowl and a bit of an insomniac. I know what you mean. I miss snuggling up and falling asleep together.

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