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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why you take your DP to your midwife appointments?

177 replies

wolfhound · 09/03/2011 13:33

Just got back from a midwife appointment and wondered (again) why so many fathers accompany their pregnant partners to (presumably) routine midwife appointments. Not criticising, just wondering. I can see why they want to be at the scans, obviously, but just the routine 'urine sample / blood pressure / heartbeat' check surprises me. Or am I missing something?

OP posts:
MsPav · 10/03/2011 23:13

My youngest is now 13. My only concern then(may have changed) was the lack of available seating!

SurreyDad · 11/03/2011 02:45

Why wouldn't we come? We want to be involved, women want the men to be involved. It would have seemed odd not to go.

Original poster
wolfhound · 11/03/2011 08:38

Gosh, reading all these replies. I'm beginning to think I should have taken my DH! On last baby now and only a few more appts to go. I think if I had had some of the problems people have described here, I would definitely have wanted his company (although due to work and very restricted time slot for MW appts at my surgery, probably wouldn't have been able to have it). However, my appts usually last 2 minutes or so and are very very routine (lucky, I know) so it really doesn't feel like a big deal. I understand what some people have said about why wouldn't the DP be there even if it's routine as it's his baby too - but, for example, my DH took DC1 and DC2 to the dentist last week - they're my children too, but just a routine checkup and I was working. Can't do every ordinary parenting thing together. But, as I said, totally different situation for many of you with problems, and I really do appreciate that.

OP posts:
CrystalStair · 11/03/2011 09:23

I thought it would have been very odd for my DH to come to my routine tests, although he came to scans because you could actually see the babies and they were exciting. He's a lovely, very involved dad - in fact now works from home so he can be with the children more and is off on the school run now. But because my pregnancies were straightforward I never thought about his coming. It was just another part of a busy day - it was tedious enough to have to go myself. In and out in two minutes. The children liked hearing their sibling's heartbeats - 'like a train' but just took them with me, not DH as well.

WidowWadman · 11/03/2011 09:33

My husband came along to most midwife appointments and even once went to antenatal class on his own when I was too ill to attend in the first pregnancy.

This time he's only come to the scan and consultant (to discuss birth options/CS) appointments as it's less feasible with new job further away.

We both find the whole pregnancy thing less exciting this time than we did the first time round. We're excited about having a new family member, but the process is less interesting having done it once.

fatlazymummy · 11/03/2011 10:23

My children's Dad didn't come to any of my antenatal appointments. It didn't bother me in the slightest. I only had 1 scan per pregnancy and he did come to each one. Neither of us attended any antenatal classes. Thankfully there were never any problems so I didn't feel the need for any support. He didn't feel the need to be involved.
Each to their own though. It's nice that people have the choice nowadays.

TysonNobdie86 · 11/03/2011 10:25

I took Dh to the appointments with the blood tests so he could drive me home as I would go faint.

LittleWhiteWolf · 11/03/2011 10:30

DH came with me to my last 2 appointments because a)it was a boiling hot summer and I'm good at fainting and b) it was a bit of a struggle to drive then! My last appt was at 4:30 on a Thursday so he got to come home early from work, I then went into labour that night so he missed Friday and then had his 2 weeks paternity leave. He did have a pretty accomodating boss though (my parents! Grin)

Chynah · 11/03/2011 10:36

Mine didn't even come to some of the scans (I had quite a few!). He was at the apointments I needed his support for though.

SlightlyB0nkers · 11/03/2011 10:53

As I'm living abroad, DH was my translator so had to come to every appt. But he'd have come anyway as he was interested. Mw had the sonograph machine in the room so would spontaneously do a scan. She wouldn't print them so if he didn't come, he'd have missed out on the best bits.
Never thought it was anything out of the ordinary to be accompanied. He comes with me too for dc's checkups. The nurse was delighted to see an involved father.

JanetPlanet · 11/03/2011 11:17

I went once and the midwife couldn't detect the heartbeat. The midwife sent me to hospital. Thankfully DH was with me. Everything was fine but obviously scary at the time.

YankNCock · 11/03/2011 14:11

I was suffering quite badly from antenatal depression and my midwife was an evil bully. With DH there at least I had confirmation it wasn't just in my head.

nethunsreject · 11/03/2011 14:13

My dh wasn't interested.

Well, he was interested in the baby, but not the appointments.

I was lucky to have a nice mw and healthy pgs.

DaffodilsAndScillas · 11/03/2011 14:15

Poncey "You also have to remember that some controlling, abusive men insist on accompanying their partners so they do not get an opportunity to confide in their midwife."

Exactly.

pinkhyena · 11/03/2011 16:03

My DH came to pretty much all of mine, annoyingly with the excetion of the one where I had my sweep Hmm could've done with a hand to hold there.

I took him partly because my appointments were almost always on his day off but also if they did the heartbeat and there was a problem I would've needed the support. As I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes it helped to have him there when I was being bombarded with information.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 11/03/2011 16:07

After a few miscarriages, you stop thinking of any of the appointments as routine.

JoinTheDots · 11/03/2011 16:24

DH came to mine - DD is my first and we had no idea what the appointments would be about, in hindsight he did not need to be there for the urine checks! It was nice for him to hear the heartbeat, and ask questions (he seemed to have more than I did).

If there is another DC (doubtful unless this one gives me some sleep, as it would be an immaculate conception) I do not think he will bother.

SkiBumMum · 11/03/2011 16:28

I just got back from my nuchal scan (with DH). Was utterly shocked to see how many people seemed to have their entire family waiting with them for blood tests etc. Bizarre. Have they no-where better to be on a Friday? Honestly, there were kids in uniform, grandads the lot. I see people need support but one or two groups were so big, I felt quite sorry for the patient (let alone the staff)!

Lovemy2babies · 11/03/2011 16:28

When my DH could take time off work he came with me.

Takes 2 to make a baby ya know...

faeriefruitcake · 11/03/2011 16:36

Why wouldn't the father want to know about the progress of your child. Unless he's abusive I don't see why men should be excluded from this process.

Fair enough it's going on inside my body but it's his baby too. Good on them I say for being interested.

SardineQueen · 11/03/2011 16:38

DH came along when he was off. The bit where they listen to the heartbeat and later when they measure the bump to see if it's growing OK and say whether it has dropped etc - was nice for him to be there for that stuff.

I think hearing the heartbeat is enough reason isn't it? It's really special

TheEffinOasis · 11/03/2011 18:42

I'm pregnant with number 3, and have to agree that the whole process is more routine and less 'magical' as each pregnancy advances! Having said that, even from my first pregnancy my partner has never attended the routine midwife appointments, but has always been there for scans. I've discussed each appointment with him, and he's had the occasional nose through my notes, but see little point in him actually missing work and attending himself for what is essentially a very routine check up. If he wanted to come though I wouldn't object at all. This time around there have been a few complications and he has come with me to consultant appts. I agree with others - some couples just tend to do more of this type of thing together, some may go due to previous traumatic experiences, some for moral support (I've been lucky with my midwives, they've all been pretty lovely so far!) - there could be many reasons. And why not, eh?

Mishy1234 · 11/03/2011 19:46

DH just came to the scans both time, but I'm sure if he'd been able to take the time off he would have liked to have come to more.

So many of the routine appointments are quite boring though.

COCKadoodledooo · 12/03/2011 08:50

Dh (and ds1) came to mine when they were in school holidays when I was pg with ds2, other than that I was on my own. I didn't ask them to come, they wanted to, and I certainly had no objection. They liked the hearing the heartbeat part (as did I!).

I would have wanted someone there with me if things hadn't been going to plan too. Having someone to comfort me when I was told I had to go for an urgent scan would have been great - having to drive away from the surgery alone was not.

Drizzela · 12/03/2011 18:38

God I can't think of anything more annoying than having someone else there. Boring enough a task for one person, particularly because in this area it was always on a Tuesday right in the middle of the flippin day. No reason to take time out of two peoples days.
I had assumed that if a partner was present it was because something bad was happening.