to wonder why you take your DP to your midwife appointments?

[wolfhound]

Just got back from a midwife appointment and wondered (again) why so many fathers accompany their pregnant partners to (presumably) routine midwife appointments. Not criticising, just wondering. I can see why they want to be at the scans, obviously, but just the routine 'urine sample / blood pressure / heartbeat' check surprises me. Or am I missing something?

I went to all mine by myself and didn't have anyone at the birth either. I didn't drive at the time but was capable of using the bus .

Had a few complications so it wasn't a straightforward pg but I could deal with it, I don't see myself as a needy person and can manage that sort of thing without a chaparone.

It's not needy to want someone there with you - we found out our dd1 had anencephaly at the 20 week scan, and was going to die. DH came to as many appts as he could in subsequent pregnancies, which is as well, as in my third I miscarried and it turned out to be a molar pregnancy. I don't think it's needy of me at all to have been damn glad of his support.

I certainly don't think I'd have managed dd1's diagnosis without dh as a "chaperone", as you so charmingly put it.

I didn't see the point of DP going to normal antenatal appointments either. I think he was quite insulted initially. Each to their own, innit.

Habbibu I don't think it's needy either.

I can't imagine what state I would have been in 8 weeks ago if dh hadn't "chaperoned" me to my scan when we were told there was no heartbeat .

Poor choice of words atlantic.

I can understand why some people would want their partner/husband with them at appointments, especially if there are complications. Even 'routine' appointments can be overwhelming sometimes for people I think.

My DH only came to one appointment with me (scans & 'parentcraft' aside) and that was because he wanted to hear the heartbeat. As my appointments were weekdays during the day there is no way he would have been able to take time off to come to every single one!

Why on earth is having DH with you at antenatal appointments needy? Bully for you atlantic at your independence.

FWIW where I live (abroad) we have a scan pretty much every appointment, so every 4/5 weeks. My DH has come to almost every appointment, work permitting, for both pregnancies (the first was a m/c, and he was there when they picked that up, thank God).

I haven't asked him to come to any appointments - it has been his choice and I haven't taken offence when he hasn't been able to make it - but I think as pregnancy is experienced mostly by the woman it has been a way of keeping him involved and also able to ask questions I may not have thought of.

I'm surprised anyone finds it necessary to judge what is such a personal decision.

Just to put a different spin on the debate, yesterday there was an MN thread asking us to say what would need to be in place for us to feel equality had been achieved. Here on this thread today, many people feel that the male parent of a DC should not be expected to go to the medical check-ups, as if those check-ups are only on the mother's health not on their own DC's health. Some people view these medical appointments as a responsibility which naturally falls to women as biological bearers of the child, while others see them as opportunities to become more deeply engaged with the DC - and therefore opportunities a male parent might want to take up.

Interesting thread.

"work permitting"-well, I think for a lot, that´s the crux, isn´t it?

I guess many just come to the minimum & have time off when baby is born.

My husband was fortunate enough to be able to come to all the appointments and it was a lovely way of him feeling more involved in the pregnancy. We had a friendly midwife who talked to us both and we quite enjoyed our little antenatal trips! Possibly due to the tea and cake outings afterwards :)

You know what - when I announced my pregnancy at work to some of the senior members of staff I never forget a group of guys I worked with, who were approaching retirement age speak about how they felt shut out by the hospitals during the birth.

One spoke of how he had to jump in the lift as someone had his child and had taken it somewhere (as his wife had a c-section) and he had to ask the sex in a lift.

They also said that they thought paternity leave was great (if you could afford to take it) as they now felt they had missed a lot by going straight back to work. I found it to be a very interesting conversation.

My DH play such an active role as a parent and I think it is good all round, that including coming to antenatal appointment. I was not needy but if I was feeling needy or vulnerable then there would be nothing wrong with that either!

My DH comes to every appointment with me. We are lucky his work is five minutes away and he can go and come as he pleases. I like having him with me because I find the waiting frustrating and its the only time he is actually involved with the pregnancy (he is not one to touch my bump to feel the baby kicking etc)
I guess he wants to be there because he can hear the heartbeat and know the baby is fine.

DH came to scans but not to all the rest. He was at work. If there had been any hint of complications he would have come but my pregnancies were all routine. In fact, he couldn't be there for a late scan for DS so I took my brother to hold my restless toddler. So my bro found out he would be having a nephew before DH found out he'd be getting a son.

I asked my midwife if my h should be attending with me as I had clocked all the partners in the waiting room at my first ante-natal clinic appointment.

"Oh no dear !", she said, "your h is at work isn't he."

Enough said, I thought.

YABU, it's his baby as well. Mr Tigga went on all my appointments so he was as informed as me. My health is v important to him as is the health of our child.

EachToTheirOwnTiggaxx

It's a whole family event here - me, husband, the kids (for pregnancies after the first one, obviously ). I want them to be involved, they want to be involved, and since we both work from home, it is easy to organize for us.

However, sadly, I tend to take my husband to almost all my appointments (or at least have him sit in the waiting room) having had far too many incidents where medical staff treat me horribly when I was alone, but nicely when he is there.

Yuck. I don't think I'd want DP there at all. He's certainly not invited to any of my other Dr. appointments, so why these ones?

Plus it would be exceptionally boring for him. I mean, frankly, they're pretty bloody boring for me.

He came to one scan when I was pg with Ds and he's been to one this time, but that's it.

Tola, have you read any of the other replies? Lucky for you antenatal appts are "boring". For many of us they're genuinely terrifying.

DH came to all mine when I was pregnant with DS: we'd had a previous horrible experience and I was very closely monitored (5 scans and loads of appointments). I wanted him there and he wanted to be there. I've always been grateful that when I got the phone call the first time round to say the blood tests were abnormal and I needed to come straight in for a scan DH was working at home and could go with me, so we were together when we heard the baby had no chance. I couldn't have borne having to hear the bad news on my own and then having to tell him.

Long time ago, DH came to DD1's scans and to the extra scans because she was small for dates. He didn't come to all the heart traces this lead to, they took ages and then I had to wait for the Dr. to look at the trace and say it was ok. Really irritating when he was a very junior Dr and the midwife obviously knew far more. Also I'm a biologist and very quickly got the feel of the normal pattern and was sorely tempted to go home without waiting for the green notes.
DH was so good at finding the babies heart beat by ear, that he show the midwive where to put the monitor, if he was there.
When I went into labour they just handed it to him.

Fortunately he was away for DD2's second scan, DD1 was spectacularly sick all over Debenham's cafe straight after and he doesn't do sick children well in private, he'd have been mortified.

DD2 was a total straight forward home birth, so most appointments were at home and some times DH was about and sometimes he wasn't.

With my first, I had scan each week (apart from the second trimester when it was fortnightly) from 5 weeks until I had her (8 months)

Husband worked about 5 minutes from the hospital so I usually arranged them for just before I went to work and catch a coffee with him and go (usually minimal waiting unless ob/gyn was performing an emergency birth).

He was able to make about 70 percent of them. We'd chat while waiting, talk about our work and choose names. They were nice times and it helped me feel less nervous (I'd sometimes get a bit anxious)

This time around he's a SAHD to our daughter (I work part time -- we obviously like each other's company or we'd have killed each other by now) and has brought my daughter to two scans but she cried so they waited outside. For the rest (and I am always going in to deposit litres of urine and do blood pressure as I had preeclampsia) I just swing by myself. But he has driven me and picked me up if he's about.

My DF would most likely want to come to any AN checkups I had. He comes everywhere with me... sometimes its like having a puppy ;) But it suits us, we like to be close... He came with me to have my coil put in... sure he'd wanna be there for anything else, be it pregnancy related or not.