to wonder why you take your DP to your midwife appointments?

[wolfhound]

Just got back from a midwife appointment and wondered (again) why so many fathers accompany their pregnant partners to (presumably) routine midwife appointments. Not criticising, just wondering. I can see why they want to be at the scans, obviously, but just the routine 'urine sample / blood pressure / heartbeat' check surprises me. Or am I missing something?

DH came with me for one or two in the first pregnancy but it quickly became clear that he didn't need to. He didn't come to any appointments except the scans with the second.

If you have a very routine pregnancy, as we did both times, then I think midwife appointments are very dull and you really don't need two people. But you don't know the circumstances and there may be reasons why the husband wants or needs to be there

Mine wanted to come to them all - he loved hearing the heartbeat.

ppppft mine didnt come to the birth of my DD2 !!!
he had a cold

I am now pg with number 3. He has attended every appointment and scan so far. He knows what will happen if I get a repeat performance.

Many midwives prefer the woman's partner not to attend the booking appt (the first one), as a lot of very personal information is asked for (for instance any previous STIs or pregnancies) which the woman may feel uncomfortable giving in front of her partner. It is also impossible to ask to the woman about whether she is suffering domestic violence, when her partner is present. Which means the MW either has to think of an excuse to get the partner to leave the room temporarily, or isn't able to ask this question/raise the issue. To a certain extent that goes for subsequent appts too; if the partner is always there, then the woman never has the chance to discuss any issues with her relationship which may be impacting on her pregnancy.

OTOH I can understand why partners want to be involved, and to hear the foetal heartbeat.

My first doctor was a rude awful person so I brought my DH for support and having him experience her rudeness meant that we quickly changed doctors.

My DH is lovely and gets on with everyone - so yes he did come along to a fair few, it was lovely actually as he was keen and inquisitive about everything, and it made it less boring for me!

Daffoldils It surely must be easy for part of the appointment to have the female only. My good GP did this - so would say I'll see you first for a few minutes and then we can call your DH through.

dh never came to any of the routine MW appointments in any of the 3 pregnancies and before reading this thread i thought that was perfectly normal!! And it never bothered me on bit! he came to the scans but even then had trouble getting time off to come.

I'd be a bit sceptical if i was an employer and a man asked me for time off every other week so he could accompany his wife to a routine MW appt - think there would have to be a really good reason (ie a problem pregnancy) not just so he can listen to the baby's heartbeat every other week!

I took dh a couple of times when I wanted to discuss (remember to discuss) bit of the problems of pregnancy. Especially later on when I was getting even more feather-brained. I wouldn't express myself well, or forget important information which would/could make a difference. Also He was much better at remembering what was said so that when the 'stress of the moment' was over we could re-talk about what was said and compare notes on what I thought had been said to me and what the mw actually had said.

My Dp often gets his days off midweek instead of weekend so he comes to spend time with me and dd if he is off or else I'd hardly see him

My dh came to all but 1 of my appointments and my mum came to the one he missed.

He would never have dreamed of missing them. I find it wierd that there are partners who don't want to be at the appointments, routine or not.

Obviously if they can't come that's a different matter. I booked all my appointments for days when dh had an afternoon or morning off anyway (works shifts) so it was easier for us to manage it.

My xh never came to any, but my ds's are 19 & 21 and it wasn't really the thing then tbh.

My dd is 4 though and dh came to several when I was having horrendous bp problems.

I had a mmc 7 weeks ago, and we're ttc again, and he's already said he's coming to everything this time which I'm very glad about. We're lucky here that we can make evening and weekend appointments as seen at the birth centre.

It never occurred to me to take hubby along. Was a little upset that he didn't get time off work for the 12week scan (he had a busy week and didn't even ask!) and I was the only mum-to-be there on my own. He came to 20wk scan and loved it. Shame he hasn't heard the baby's heartbeat - that's my fave bit of mw appointments. He's coming to the antenatal/parenting session (local NHS only offers a single two-hour class) though and wouldn't hear of not being there at the birth.

I think if there had been previous problems/MC I'd ask him to come for support and he would do his best to.

dh came to most appointments, he wanted to be involved and supportive, he was always allowed time off and paid for it,... it is up to you both so...

My DP came to all the appointments, and also on both occasions when I was miscarrying.

I didn't expect him to come to scans or anything, but he was astounded at the idea that he wouldn't - his first baby, no way he would not come along to everything that he could. He took time off work and travelled from a different city to be there, hear the heartbeat, see the scans and talk with me about any issues which arose (e.g. whether to test for Downs or not).

I was so grateful to have him there when I had to be told I was miscarrying the following 2.

(It's fine now, we had DD who is very healthy first luckily.)

In one ante-natal class when they asked if we had any questions, one droopy Dad said: "Would cannabis be a good relaxant during the birth?" (I presume he meant for the mum not himself.) Afterwards I said to DP: "Thank you so much for not saying anything like that!" And completely forgave him for looking at me for the answers when we were doing the "Does your bloke know anything at all about what it will be like when you give birth" exercise. Memories are made of this! I know some people will find it impossible to go together to appointments, however I really recommend it.

almond the problem with having the woman alone at the start is that it takes time for the MW to build a rapport with the woman and broach personal/sensitive/embarrassing/traumatic subjects - not "Hi thanks for coming today I just want to ask if your husband beats you before we invite him in..."

I've never had dv mentioned at any of my appointments. It would have been very helpful with the first two..... because the answer would have been yes!

That's dreadful harassed - it should be included in the booking notes as a coded question, and if not ticked on the booking interview (to show it's been asked), a MW should ask at a subsequent appt.

Would you have told the MW if you'd been asked about it?

booking interview = booking notes.

I don't know tbh Daffodils.

It was when I was with my xh and my ds's are now 19 & 21 so a long time ago and dv wasn't recognised and dealt with the way it is now.

I have to say that the signs were all there and pretty obvious if anyone cared to look properly. I'd go and get checked if I "fell over" etc. I was 18 when I had ds1 but still with some fight, just by the time I had ds2 the fight had all gone so prob not then.

Oh and notes were totally differnt then.

It was just a folded card with your details on the front and then space to record visits and notes inside.

Very different to todays!

harassed yes things were very different then in terms of awareness and recognition of DV. I'm glad you got away from him in the end and sorry you didn't get any help when you were having your children.

DH has come with me to most of mine, partly because we only have one car and I only passed my driving test in October, so at first he had to come, or I had to get Mum to drive me instead! His work is good about it - most of the appointments have been before 10 am, and he has flexi time so that's not a problem - he just makes up the hours. No one has ever queried him coming to the odd appointment that isn't first thing, though. I like him to be there because I'm often surprised at how little he has picked up about labour/induction etc etc despite me now being 41 weeks and the two of us watching OBEM every week! I mean, I have read heaps about this stuff - how has he remained so ignorant? So it's good for him to hear what the midwife says. He came to all the ante-natal classes, and luckily his work policy says he is entitled to paid leave for those, because they were all smack in the middle of the day and necessitated taking the whole afternoon off.

He wasn't at the first appointment - Mum took me instead - but I don't remember if they asked about domestic violence. I remember being startled because when I admitted to having had an abortion a few years ago, the MW asked if I wanted that information to be kept private so my husband wouldn't be able to find out. He knows about it - it was his baby, and even if it hadn't been, I would have told him before feeling close enough to him to get married, if that makes sense.

She also asked if I took street drugs - does anyone ever say yes to that question, even if they do? And even if their mum wasn't sitting right there?