busy,annoyed sahm

[lovelymumma]

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

My DH and I were talking about this the other day. He commented that, when all the DCs start school, I won't know what to do with myself all day. I knew straight away what I would, and will do.....get a job.

Have you considered this?

Must be a wind up.

You essentially have my 30 hour working week between school drop off and pick up.

I have cooking, cleaning, ironing, taking dd to activities, friends for tea after school etc etc to do after I've finished work and at weekends. My DH works 12 hour shifts.

I'm doing a distance learning masters degree in my "spare" time.

I agree that dog-walking is a pita. You don't really get to walk,they constantly stop to sniff things and pee and then they get all het up about other dogs. It's a chore, and it sometime involves picking up and disposing of their poo too (at least it should)

I think when you're just starting out as a SAHM, once the really busy years are over and your youngest goes off to school, you feel really invisible and unappreciated. You have just gone from caring for a young child full time to having hours to yourself and your work to organise as you please, with your whole brain back and able to engage on whatever thing you're doing.

When you're with small children full time, you do not have that luxury, and for those who work outside the home, no matter how demanding your occupation, you can (at least for the most part) finish a thought and even sometimes go to the bathroom without all hell breaking loose behind you when you shut the door, or go to pee without having to keep the door open. It's hard to get used to the silence and the lack of constant demands on your attention, and sometimes the walls seem to close in on you initially.

It's easy to feel picked on and undervalued even though the alternative to having them in school all day is the constant dividing up of your brain and your attention span. It takes a while to get over the feeling that the children don't need you as much once they all start school, and also to get used to doing things just for yourself, making things in your home just as you want them to be. It's also easy to worry that all that time spent taking care of the children has left you with mush for brains. Hence maybe the tears.

YANBU, to an extent. It sounds like you were being a little defensive, maybe just stressed about other things in your life, like how the tediousness of it never stops being a SAHM, There always seems to be some other pissy little thing that needs to be done. Before I had children I had to deal with questions like this from family about what the hell I did all day, as somehow being an artist and art critic wasn't a valuable career and I didn't bring in a bi-weekly cheque. You are the one that keeps the homefires going, and yes, you make your schedule, after school run, but that doesn't take away the fact that you clearly want something that is just for you. Maybe take up a class for interest or something. Just getting you back to you iyswim.

If OP has as much free time as she does (sorry, cannot class her activities whilst her children are at school as 'work'), she is wasting it on drudgery.

She should just live it up, in other words carve out proper free time for herself, and not be miserable or defensive about it. I cannot see her as contributing as much to the family as a WOHM who works AND does all those things (why would she?). She will never win that battle. The sooner she gets over it, the better.

She should just concentrate on making people envious of her unstructured time. That would be much more profitable.

I just don't understand why people do so much ironing these days.

SAHMartyrs..

I agree, I dont iron anything, nada, in fact I dont even know where my iron is.
Business is all relative, but am surprised that the OP cannot in fact see that everything she does, needs to be done to some degree by everyone even if they work outside the home as well.
I dont have a dog because I dont have enough time to walk it. I spend my spare time in the evenings when the DC are in bed doing stuff on the internet and in the house.

tbh all of the chores you've mentioned are ones that as a wohm, I do in the time between getting home from work and going to bed. So I guess that either your evenings and weekends are very relaxing indeed, or that you are doing way too much housework!

the day the op decsribes in all honesty does sound like not much going on to me

races out the door to work after having done most of that before 7 am

I agree lookatme - that to me sounds like quite a relaxing day off

Another non ironer here...apart from the rare occasion anyone wears a shirt which is not often!

YABU

My DC are at primary school now and I still work part-time - I know I have spare time, so I cannot understand why you don't. I go out/watch TV/use the internet form 8 pm every night. I have a significant amount of free-time during the school day, too (I have a larger than average house but no mansion). I feel very lucky and I am lapping it up for now as I have no doubt my hours will increase at work in the near future.

I have been asked what I do with all my free time now several times and I have never taken offense. I think it is a reasonable question (IF asked by people who know me). I answer - go to the gym, do the family tree, housework at a leisurely pace, get shopping done so it doesn't cut into family time etc. Enjoy it!

Yes enjoy it.

I think I would get bored if I was home all the time on my own, so I work 16 hours a week [then come home and moan about it ha ha ].

I think you may feel a little underrated so try a structured week.

Do certain things on certain days.

OR just have fun and enjoy.

OP YANBU. That said, then if you are like me then from 8pm each night my evenings are totally free for relaxation and spending with DH.

I am a SAHM and never have a minute during the day, it is filled with taking my children to and from nursery, art classes, dance classes, swimming lessons, and doing countless errands to ensure that DH has a less stressful home life as his job is highly pressurised. I also do all the cleaning, and whilst my house is quite large, I never manage to get anywhere near as much done as I would like. This is added to by churning out 3 meals a day for whoever is around at that time. I also iron pretty much everything, and cannot honestly believe I could get away with not ironing.

However, I used to achieve most of this when I worked full time too so agree it isn't any "harder" to be a SAHM, the differences for me are that DH used to do a little more and that I didn't do as much fun stuff with the children.

The OP is not being unreasonable to be a bit peeved that she was questioned as to what she does with her spare time, that would annoy me too, as there simply isn't any until late evening. That doesn't mean she or I are suggesting we have it harder than working mums. I know I don't. I don't think one is more harder than the other, they're just different.

I'm a sahm with 3 dc at school. Don't iron much. I used to iron everything but I kept reading about the virtues or folding and hanging everything and it really works! Still do some things though.

I have no interest in whether anyone thinks I should be working or not. Not a jot. It suits dh, dc and me and that's all that matters. If anyone asks I tell them I eat cakes all day.

Too much emphasis is placed on work as the only valid use of time. If you can afford it and the family are all happy (I include you in that op obvious) then you don't have to answer to anyone. Relaxation and fun are important too, so stop justifying. If others want to work and fit everything else in round that then cool, if you don't, equally cool.

If you are used to working it is hard to see how you would fill your time I'd you didn't. When I first started teaching I couldn't imagine what I would do with 6 wks off in the summer, nor could my friends. By the end of the hols I couldn't imagine how I'd have the time to go back to work. At the end of the first week? Back to not being able to figure out what I did all day!

It is perfectly possible to be busy without earning money.

I'm in the middle on this one. I can see you are upset because you are feeling under valued and that's not very nice. But I am going to say you are being v v v unreasonable for not even having the insight to see that those of us who work still do all of the stuff you do. I have no issue with you being at home but I do think you have to acknowledge how lucky you are.

We could give you tips as to how you could manage your time better so you actually have some leisure time (stop ironing for a start! An hour a day? That's 7 hours a week. I don't think I have spent 7 hours in total ironing in the last decade!) but I suspect that having more leisure time wouldn't actually suit you. Be happy with your choice but try and realise that you have it easier than most.

I disagree that a SAHM has it "easier than most" Bumperlicious.

When I worked and the dc's were in nursery I didn't have to worry about feeding them as that was being done for me and the house was always immaculate as we were barely in it. There wasn't the opportunity to do many activities etc with the children as we were either at work or nursery and additionally lots more is expected of SAHM's than those who work, because they are "at home" from extended family etc. I am also now more able to help out at nursery etc, because I can, and I had a long time of not being able to. I'm not saying this isn't enjoyable to a degree but I wouldn't call it "leisure time".

I really think this is turning into a debate of who does more, which is not what the OP was saying, when it really doesn't need to.

OP - you shouldn't feel upset, but I understand why you do. Like so many have said, don't feel the need to justify yourself. You're happy. End of.

I know how you feel, the thing is you dont have any free time really, if you are constantly doing (cleaning, dog walking, tv or internet) you are not giving yourself proper rest. that means turn mn off, have a bath and read a book for half an hour and then a small nap. You will feel refreshed and much better about yourself. we are constantly bombarded with bright flashy images, our minds cant keep up.

I hope you feel better soon, yadnbu

But wannabenigella the op's children are all at school, and the things she is complaining about are all things that the rest of us have to do anyway even while working (except for the dog, but it's her choice to have a dog so she is going to have more work).

I wouldn't judge the op for being a sahm while her dc are at school, but I do judge her for complaining about how busy she is when the rest of us have no choice but to do all that and work too. (I say that, I'm actually on maternity leave so I'm not working either but usually I work part time and am a part time sahm with a preschooler and now a baby.)

Oh and I don't mean all sahms have it easier than most. It's bloody hard work being at home with kids! Work is a respite if nothing else. But being a sahm while your kids are at school is obviously easier than being a working mum or a sahm to under 5's.

It is hard work being home with kids. However being home alone while your kids are gone all day is a lot less hard. Rather obviously.

But an hour of internet shopping every day would take it out of you.

Bumperlicious maternity leave is different to not working to me - you are recovering from a pretty big ordeal on your body (and if anyone says you are back to yourself after the magic 6 weeks they are smoking something - I had a post partum haeomarrage at 8 weeks). Also you've a very tiny baby to care for.