busy,annoyed sahm

[lovelymumma]

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

Maternity leave is not in issue here; the OP's youngest is nine. I mean, come on.

OP, you sound like you have a lovely life. I agree with others; why not own that, and find something important to you to do?

Joolyjoo, I do see what you're saying. But I have to say that while I would do the same as you and the OP and fill the hours with chores if I had schoolage children, I would revel in that. The hardest thing for me about being home (I work part time) is that it's just impossible to keep my house as clean as I'd like with a toddler, unless I resort to television, and because I'm actually at home, I see the mess, and it really bothers me. Seriously, i see the chance to do a whole-house deep clean, on my own, without interruption and with loud music, as free time. If my mum takes my daughter for a few hours she urges me to get out for a pedicure, and I'm always "nooo, I can finally paint under the stairs, scrub the bath and cook a few casseroles for the freezer, hurrah!".

I'm not a martyr at all. I share all chores with my husband, insist on sleep-ins every now and then and think nothing of asking my mum to babysit for an evening so I can socialise. But the OP's "busy day" is my ideal way to spend the rare day without my toddler clutching at my skirt and whining to be played with. So, yeah. Sorry, OP, hope it keeps fine for you.

OP YABU.

I work part time, but every afternoon! I consider my mornings with dd3 to be my spare time, which I also use for cleaning house, washing etc. but also for trips to park, music group, playing jigsaws, blocks etc..

I would absolutely love to have a whole day with my dd3, let alone on my own.

I am also training for a marathon, which I fit in when my husband is home and at the weekends. I have an unruly garden but still enjoy gardening at the weekends with the children!

I would love to be a SAHM and have a dog to walk too, but too busy at the mo (maybe one day)!

If you enjoy being a SAHM, then go for it - it really doesn't matter how others feel.

I sometimes work full time for a few weeks, then no work for a few weeks. The same stuff gets done - am just much more organised when working. I get to go for coffee/swimming with friends. Dh works away and we have 4 kids, all with lots of activities, plus a dog.

If I came home every day and did what you do, I think I'd probably want to jump off a cliff! Each to their own I guess. I can clean very quickly when I choose to, just don't choose to do it all the time.

Wow you get to walk (with the dog) for an hour a day?! If I ever get the time to go for a long walk like that I consider it to be a relaxing day, only happens once every few months.

OP, I can tell you're busy, given that you don't have time to type "You".

For crying out loud, woman, so you have an easy life. Don't fool yourself you're busy - just enjoy being able to work at a really slow pace.

Interesting thread. I am SAHM with a child of school age. I do voluntary work at ds's school two mornings a week, and visit my elderly Mum every day, which takes about an hour a day, by the time I have gone there and back. I spend most of the rest of the days doing housework, shopping, ironing, gardening etc. But I do find I have some spare time.

Obviously I don't have as much washing and ironing as the OP, as I only have one child, and I don't have a dog.

I think if you really have no spare time at all, then you are maybe not being very efficient in the use of your time. Sometimes I find I'm rushing to get things done, but it's usually because I've spent too long on MN not been organised enough.

I can see how your evenings are busy now though, as your dcs are older. I tend to find I spend time with ds when he comes home, then cook, eat and clear up after dinner, then get ds to bed. This all happens a bit later these days as ds is older, so it leaves you with less evening. But I don't mind that too much. The benefits of being a SAHM for me are that when It gets to about 8.30 or so, my time is my own, rather than having to do cleaning/ironing etc in the evenings or at the weekends.

I think the only downside is that some days I feel life is just full of domestic chores. But if I worked, I would still have to do all the domestic chores, and find childcare for ds (and I'd rather have the time with him). And not be able to visit my Mum very easily. As we can manage on dh's money, it makes sense for me not to work at the moment.

I'd be very worried about becoming very bored and boring, if I did so little with my time. I am a SAHM (well, I do a few hours a week now) to two preschool children, but I also manage to do a lot of volunteering and spend a lot of time on my hobbies. Dragging out the housework to fill time and getting over involved in the children's homework is just women's busy work. Stop doing it and find something interesting to do with your time instead. Being a SAHM is great if your family can afford it, but FGS don't turn yourself into a drudge and a maryr with it.

I don't think you should attempt to justify yourself. If you are happy with how you fill your days, then it isn't really anybody else's business

I'm a sahm with 2 at home and have loads of time on my hands. Not that i like it. i would rather be busy tbh.

Just wanted to add my two pence worth on this;

Women very rarely drove cars (she didn't)
No big supermarkets
No convenience food so everything was home made
"She had no hoover so swept the house from top to bottom.
No dishwashers
No microwaves
Fruit and veg, meat, clothes, household cleaners, bread..lots of things were all sold in seperate shops so housewives had to queue seperatley in each one.
No deep freezers.
Not even an electric whisk
No internet shopping
No internet banking
No washing machines though she eventually got an old top loader with seperate spinner."

In those days it didn't matter so much if a woman didn't drive. All the kids went to the nearest school, 99% walked to school.

It didn't matter that there were no big supermarkets. In those day you had local shops down the road that sold a variety of everything you needed. You didn't have to go far in those days to come across a local bakery/butcher/green groucer.

Agree that hoovers are a big convienent thing to have these days.

It didn't matter so much if you didn't have a deep freeze because you could shop daily down the road. These days we drive miles to supermarkets. I would much rather have local shops.

I don't internet shop or bank nore do i have a dishwasher.

Not saying anyone has it easier either way. But imo it would be far more convinient to have local shops that i could walk to and buy from then having to drive 4 or 5 miles to a supermarket that is crowded and stressful.

I have read the first and last pages (busy...lol).

OP, I sympathise with you but reckon you have misidentified the problem: it is not that you have no FREE time but that you have no activities that others value and that hurts and feel unjustified.

I also suspect that if you have no domestic help and if your husband works long hours then looking after 3 children, a dog and a reasonably sized house can indeed take many hours a day.

Perhaps you would be happier if you multitasked eg take dog on school run, do cooking after the children are home (do it with them) and also washing, and then used the time that created to do something more creative - learn the piano, take up running, write a book......even if it is only on, say, Wednesdays. If you can possibly afford it, get a cleaner. I bet a lot of money that you have a degree from a good university and used to hold down a reasonable job. Yes, bringing up children is immensely worthwhile but don't expect uncles / men / others to congratulate you on it. Or even your children once grown. If you want recognition then you have to do more than cook, clean and parent, however sad that is. Actually, you need to use your brain to remain sane IMO. Or take a secret lover and have him boost your ego instead.

Um, signed a SAHM

I'm with worraliberty. Maybe you have exceptionally high standards rehgarding housework. I'm sorry, but if you're children are at school all week you do have a lot of time - of course your time is mostly spent doing housework, washing, running errands and shopping etc becasue that's what SAHMs do, but you do have more time to do all that stuff than someone who works part or full time.

Why do you feel the need for random family members to appreciate your role anyway? You shouldn't need to look to others to validate your worth - you know you're doing a fantastic job!
Spend a minute reminiscing about how little time you had before your DCs went to school, and how everything took ten times longer then (like shopping, for example) and then you might reaslise that actually you do have a lot of time!

I have four children. DH is a sahd just now but previously he worked full time, I worked part time, we have a dog and we both have voluntary roles.

Washing and cleaning was still done and I you think you have lots of washing, imagine our house!

Our youngest is in nursery now but starts primary this year and DH will go back to work.

Most of the SAHMs with school age children I know seem to feel so busy and overwhelmed with their daily tasks and feel like they have to justify the way they spend their days. It sounds crazy to get all worked up about a bit of housework and grocery shopping that everyone who has a household needs to get done as well. Just do it, quit moaning about how 'busy' your day is! To the rest of the planet, it sounds like a luxurious chance to be pretty bone idle. We all get it done, amongst everything else. If a husband were at home with that schedule, I bet there would be lots of women complaining about supporting hubby's SAH habits and free time! Would it be looked at the same way, if DH were at home with school age children?
I'd have a lot more respect for my SAHM friends if they just called a spade a spade and admitted that they have a life where there aren't many external deadlines they have to meet. Sorry, but I'm not convinced that laundry and ironing is so urgent and unmanageable when there are only FREE hours during children's school days. Five days a week. How many hours is that? 20-30?

The op didn't read like she was complaining about doing the chores etc, just that it kept her busy and this wasn't recognised.

But all that listing to make it sound as if her day is rush rush rush, makes the OP sound like she doesn't enjoy it at all.

It's just whinging by another means.

Hello OP,

I find the hardest thing about being a SAHM is that unlike any other it is a 24 hour job. If you have your dream career - and I used to, it still only takes up 36/48/70 hours a week, at some point the work would stop and I'd move onto something else,. When I did work back to back long weeks, I went a bit strange and physically and mentally ground to ahalt after a particularly tough month. With motherhood it grinds on and on, it's the longest contract ever.

Full time, at home, it never ends, the tasks & projects are never finished. The feed back is generally lousey. You are constantly on call, even in the middle of the night, your advice and problem solving skills are called on continuely and require an instant response. There is no other job like it and would be considered inhumane if you drew it up as a job discription.

It's lonely, there is little camphionship and I feel mental incrediably challenging.
For the good of my mental health I'm trying to get my head around it and look at coping stratagys. My mum (who worked) used to laugh at a SAHM friend who had set days for tasks rather then 'fitting'it in where she could but I'm heading down that route before my world is swallowed up under a 1000 never ending small tasks.

YANBU but need a polite response to the rest of the world.

I read it as just listing to show she is always doing stuff, busy in other words.

YAB massively U. SAHMs with dcs in school/nursery have it easy. Ihave 3 SAHM friends all of whom have days to themselves. They all complain about how busy they are it's utter crap, they're just bloody martyrs to the cause and trying to compete with other Mums for the most devoted wife/mother award. Even one day off is a luxury in my book. I have 2 dcs 4 and 18m I'm at home with them 2 days and work 3 long days in a busy, stressful senior position. I'm also working towards a post grad qualification so I can keep my role/position because of all the shitty public sector cuts (work in NHS). You don't know the meaning of busy, I know I sound harsh but this attitude really irritates me.

Me and Dh do all the chores around work/childcare bearing in mind ours are pre schoolers so pretty dependent. At your daughters ages I did my own washing, ironing, homework independently, got all my stuff ready for school the next day. Your daughters can also do loads round the house, they can cook meals (jacket potato and salad/veg is easy for the most incompetent beginner). My 4 year old already helps with tidying and loading the dishwasher.

I'm actually considering increasing ds (18m) to 4 days at nursery when dd(4) starts school in september so I can have a day "off", this will be a massive luxury. I'm taking 4 hours time owed tomorrow pm both dcs in nursery, cannot wait. And don't over activity your dds they need time to be bored to learn to amuse themselves and think creatively. Kids who moan about being bored because they've been hyperparented and done every activity going are a PITA.

I'm afraid I'm one who doesn't agree that being a SAHM is harder than working, I did it for a year on mat leave after ds was a dream compared to working. My job is a lot more stressful and demanding than looking after dc.

And I had loads more time to myself too!

Agreed minxofmancunia, just had a year off on maternity leave with ds too and its an absolute breeze. A lot less worries/ offic politics too.

Still, as I said before, why anyone would want to compete to have it the hardest is beyond me! I cant wait til I reach the status of having to do very little and Ill be very happy about it!!!!

Looks like this has turned into a who has the hardest life thread which is way off the title.

Erm, it's a toughie as people will ALWAYS judge you whether you are a SAHM or working full time. Fuck 'em and get on with enjoying YOUR life!

I'm a SAHM AND I work in the evenings as well. I'm totally wankered most of the time.

Occasionally the postie will knock with a parcel in the morning and I'll be stood there in a dressing gown, DD swinging from my ankle and you can see him thinking I've got it easy. I just want to say 'Actually mate I got in from work at 2am last night [hmm}'

I sort of see what you mean OP, but people would make assumptions of you for working as well

Ooh I hate it when the faces don't work

I'm a SAHM with 2 school age children, my friends do think i'm a bit of a lazy cow i think, which is prob fair.

In our household of four I only do about 4 loads of washing I think, but i have got a large load machine so maybe that helps. Also, I NEVER IRON ANYTHING which def helps.

Have lots of SAHM friends, we have lunch at each others a couple of times a week and coffee in the morning, I go running twice a week, spend one morning at DC school helping, go to town one morning. It's a dream life and I feel very very lucky. We're not rich, but can manage on one income (one car which my DH uses for work, one holiday for a week, rarely have paid babysitter - do swops with friends).

Anyway, I have a clean and tidy house, prob do 2 hours max in a week of housework, and lots of free time, OP one hour a day on correspondence?

I agree with BlackBag. The op has never claimed to have it harder than working parents for Pete's sake!