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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

busy,annoyed sahm

418 replies

lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:08

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 10/03/2011 21:25

no.you are not working ft if you home ed. you are indulging a personal choice.most certainly not ft work.tasks may stretch to fill day but isnt ft work or comparable to teaching

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 21:25

Thank you LessNarkyPuffin (love the name) It doesn't feel like work.

blueshoes · 10/03/2011 21:31

QueenBath, even if women contribute to society through looking after their own families, they are only contributing invisibly in their own domestic sphere. Leading to women being marginalised in other spheres. And men being enabled to dominate in their stead.

They are also contributing less than a WOHM who is raising her own family and contributing to the family kitty and contributing to society through her labour in the workforce and probably also employing a few other domestic staff and childcarers along the way.

I am not denigrating the choice to SAHM. I am just stating a fact.

I still disagree with you about men not being able to do as good if not better job than women in raising children just because they don't have a womb and breasts. You are using biology as an excuse to bag the easier role of being at home (particularly now with grown up teenagers) than your dh who also expressed an interest in doing so. You don't speak for all women, and certainly not for me or wordfactory and many on this thread.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2011 21:56

The idea that being a SAHM is automatically going to give your DCs the notion that work around the home is women's work (or non-work according to Scottishmummy) strikes me as odd. Would having a SAHD give children the same sort of impression about men? Would this be a disservice to men or to children?

DS can cook and serve a meal and clean up afterwards, vacuum, clean a bathroom thoroughly, do laundry, fold and put things away (no-one irons around here), repair drywall, do household carpentry and minor plumbing, use power tools, prep and paint walls and mop out a flooded basement and assemble flat pack furniture just as well as I can because I have taught him to. He even reads directions. He can also apply plasters to knees of younger siblings, take temperatures, read directions on medicine and administer doses, mop up puke and change nappies with the best of them and in general can be relied upon to hold the fort in all circumstances while I'm out. He wants to be a pilot.

The DDs are not half as interested in developing the sort of general housework competence as DS is, maybe because they tend to prefer things they can learn by studying whereas DS is very much a hands on sort of learner. But they do their chores because you have to start somewhere in the world of working and housework affords a fantastic opportunity to develop skills, good attitude to work, and a sense of responsibility and accountability to the other household members. One in particular has developed the skill of delegation to the point of an art form.

I think if children see someone doing a good, honest day's work, organised and able to train and delegate and run a tight ship in general, then that person is showing a good example to children whether the good job involves cleaning a toilet or running a corporation. Because children are far more likely to see work skills in action in school or at home than in the corridors of IBM, then as far as examples go of work, attitude, management skills, etc., housework is far more useful as a way of teaching children than anything a parent can do in the paid workplace, which tends to be mysterious and hard for most DCs to imagine. I would go so far as to say that a WOHM whose life consists of frantic crisis management, hastily cobbled together meals, etc., is actually teaching a child how not to work effectively. Not saying all WOHMs' lives are like that mind...

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 22:16

Mathanxiety, well said, esp regarding children only seeing busy stressed and not entirely engaged parents struggling to do it all and puzzled about why. Very young children would have no concept of what a parent does to fill their day at work but the results achieved within the home benefit them and are immeadiately obvious to them.

"You are using biology as an excuse to bag the easier role of being at home (particularly now with grown up teenagers" actually mine are much younger!

BlueShoes are you suggesting that your life is harder? What sort of wierd logic made you decide it was worthy to make your life more difficult? Do you subconciously think women should suffer? why should we strive to marter ourselves when we have a government that doesn't offer free child care and businesses that don't afford us equal pay and conditions.

blueshoes · 10/03/2011 22:18

Math: "I would go so far as to say that a WOHM whose life consists of frantic crisis management, hastily cobbled together meals, etc., is actually teaching a child how not to work effectively. Not saying all WOHMs' lives are like that mind..."

Any WOHM who does this won't survive very long. I can only work ft and raise a family and run a home by being VERY organised. Only one shop a week, meal planning, home and work and dh synchronised diaries. It is the SAHMs, esp those with school-age children, that can just about get away with chaos because there is so much give to their day. I find it so much easier to organise things with WOHMs because they understand and respect the need to plan in advance. It is the SAHMs that like to live impromptu that are so difficult to get hold of and commit.

Not saying all SAHMs' lives are like that mind ...

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 22:19

Just wanted to ask ScotishMummy why her job wasn't a choice? Did you choose to take your job?

scottishmummy · 10/03/2011 22:22

why assume working parents are stress bunnies with distressed parents?

i work ft.have work/life balance.dont come home frazzled because im good at my job and can adeptly manage being both mum and worker.im neither guilty nor stressed

BeerTricksPotter · 10/03/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 10/03/2011 22:25

QueenBath, women shouldn't suffer. Men shouldn't suffer.

If your children are not at school, then it is hard work. Once your children are at school, a SAHM's life is easier.

Again, no value judgment. Just stating a fact.

lololizzy · 10/03/2011 22:25

and also re previous posts, assume that childless people don't have experience with children

scottishmummy · 10/03/2011 22:27

no teachers teach.parents home educate isnt same.surely point of choice is that it isnt traditional teaching - exercising different choice.different environment, methods,and location

blueshoes · 10/03/2011 22:30

I suppose some SAHMs assume working mothers are guilty and stressed because that is how they themselves would feel if they have to WOHM.

That is just projection, not a reflection of reality for a lot of working mothers who do so by choice and keep it together with aplomb and the cash to hire in help.

Quattrocento · 10/03/2011 22:31

I'd have been more stressed staying at home tbh. Need lots of adrenaline, need to use my mind. Would not have coped as a housewife. Each to their own.

NormanTebbit · 10/03/2011 22:32

I used to live in a hole in t'middle of road. And pay for the privilege.

scottishmummy · 10/03/2011 22:33

i actively chose not to be sahm.work ft
guilt free. nursery places booked 12wk pg,all my dc attend nursery. always part of the plan

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 22:37

Hire in help, no, I'd hate paying some women to clean my loo, that's why DH does it Grin

who are these people that clean houses? are they perhaps women with children. Great job that must be too.

NormanTebbit Grin

blueshoes · 10/03/2011 22:39

QueenBath, your taking an unnecessary moral high ground is holding you back. As is your biology. Cleaning threads have been done to death.

Quattrocento · 10/03/2011 22:41

What, is there some earth-mothery delight to be had in cleaning your own house now?

I'm totally guilt-free about working and monumentally guilt-free about having a cleaner. We've had both men and women cleaning over the years. Now we have a lady who comes and does for 8 hours a week. We like and respect her. She has got grown up children. She does what we are simply too busy to do.

Is that okay with you?

scottishmummy · 10/03/2011 22:42

cleaner?yes i have cleaner.

BeerTricksPotter · 10/03/2011 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunnysInTheGarden · 10/03/2011 22:43

hey, this has turned into a SAHM/WOHM croissant fight. I am a WOHM who hates her children and has a cleaner, 2 CM's AND a window cleaner. Beat That

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 22:44

Quatrocento I agree but staying at home doesn't have to mean not using your brain.

At work I used a set of skills specific to my job. At home I have started reading the classics, bought and sold antiques (which is great fun) learnt more about ancient greece and history than ever before, read all the books on my must read list, studied maths, art history and currently various political theories, taught maths and visited some really fab places.

DS aged 10 is doing IGCSE maths so again I am keeping my brain ticking over.

Why denigrate stay at home parents by saying we are brainless.

Quattrocento · 10/03/2011 22:45

Natch. I have a window cleaner. Also have a gardener. too. I win on points :)

BeerTricksPotter · 10/03/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.