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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

busy,annoyed sahm

418 replies

lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:08

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 10/03/2011 01:12

To anyone worked off their feet, trying to do hundreds of things at work all at once, maybe you could get more organised.... Anyone trying to take care of home and work too and moaning about it here, ditto.

"We are our own worst enemies. Women spend more time attacking each other and do far more harm than any amount of sexism from men." Amen.

Decorating and gardening are not really leisure activities. Doing it yourself saves the family a packet. Eating meals cooked at home does the same, compared to eating out or bringing home something.

Hmc, I agree with your post.

GotArt · 10/03/2011 05:57

Quattro "Blimey, the OP needs to get a life. It smacks of the lifestyle where people make an expedition to buy a postage stamp." Indeed!

Kungfu "The OP isn't a SAHM caring full-time for small children - she is caring for older children outside school hours." I think this is the point that is being missed in this discussion. That and the fact that lovelymumma hasn't been back since her original post.

GotArt · 10/03/2011 06:00

A blog/diary about my day as a SAHP has been spurned by this thread though. So lovelymamma, you have inspired someone today.

rainbowinthesky · 10/03/2011 07:56

100% agree with Quattrocentro.

TandB · 10/03/2011 09:13

Gardening is not a leisure activity? Really? Why bother with a garden then - just stick paving slabs over it and use it for BBQs.

I love gardening. I would sepnd hours in the garden if I had the time.

TheOohAahBird · 10/03/2011 09:25

I always think of gardening as a form of necessary outdoor housework. Not an interest or leisure activity, just a job that has to be done. We stick to basic tidy-ups re the garden - it's essentially there for the dc. No reason to concrete it over though just because it's not a treasured hobby.

Great post hmc. I agree with what you say 100%.

ssd · 10/03/2011 09:26

I think what the op represents is the fact that some women make a big deal out of nothing, whilst others do a lot and make nothing of it, just get on with it

I know loads of women who work in various jobs, only 2 who don't work whilst their kids are at school all day. One is married to a rich man and has what I see as an easy life. The other is a faffer, one of the "how can I possibly work I have kids" brigade, her dh doesn't earn much but its seems to be enough to let her off the hook, meanwhile she is the only mother I know with granny helping her out every day, yet she still doesn't get a job, meanwhile mothers with no help work all hours and seem to manage

its a funny old world isn't it!

MooMooFarm · 10/03/2011 09:32

Well I for one wasn't moaning about 'my lot' or slating anybody else's choices. I am happy to work PT, in a job I enjoy, and have no problem fitting all my home/children jobs in around it. For me, being at home during the day whilst nobody else is there = tedium. Maybe that's partly because most of my friends work too so I would literally have nobody around.

I definitely see gardening as a leisure activity, and even better, the children love it too so everybody's happy . Much more relaxing (and rewarding) to do in my free time than sitting staring at the TV.

wordfactory · 10/03/2011 09:43

I don't see gardening, cooking or anyhting else as a leisure activity, nor as something on par with paid work.

It's just stuff that we all do...including the childless. Don't you think those without children still mow their lawns and buy stamps?

Do we give them recognition for those activities?

No we do not.

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 10:01

I just think it's a reflection of how women have been made to feel guilty if they don't aspire to do it all and have it all.

As women we are wired up to want to protect and nurture our own children, it's a natural and normal imperitive. But this is increasingly socialised out of us so that we feel we must contribute yet more to our famillies and to society and this can only be achieved through work for money. This has created a feeling amongst women that womens work within the home is unworthy and below us, unimportant and unrewarding. No wonder OP felt attacked and felt she had to justify every single task she undertakes.

In the 60/70's we were preached at that we had to work to be taken seriously and to show that women were equal to men.

Now we are preached at either by working women, media advertising, government and businesses. Why? because capitalism requires two workers in place of one to create greater productivity and private profits and greater requirements for the goods produced, ie more fast food, more fuel, more handbags and shoes etc, Pofits are privatised whilst any harm is socialised. We pay twice for our right to choose work.

What effect is this consumersism and the ever faster pace of life having on children, well I guess we shall have to wait and see.

wordfactory · 10/03/2011 10:14

Well I take complete issue with the fact that looking after a house is 'women's work.'

Do you think two gay men living together don't wash, cook, clean and iron?

It is not that these things are not valued because they are done by women, they are simply not valued to outsiders because everyone does them.

Running a home is not the same as bringing up a family.

Nellykats · 10/03/2011 13:27

Queen Bathseba, in the 60s a lot of women were trapped housewives that had no other role than carer and the issues around work are not just about money but also self worth and purpose. Wired to protect our children? Please... biological determinism is rubbish and demeans us to the role of companion and supporter - fine if you want that but i certainly don't.

pommedeterre · 10/03/2011 14:28

Oh yes let's go back to the 1950's. Great times for women. Hold me back.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2011 14:42

QueenBathSheba -- food for thought there in your last post.

LineRunner · 10/03/2011 14:44

There are judgemental time-travellers from the 1950s and 1960s on many threads.

Beware...

BlackBag · 10/03/2011 15:49

Most human activities have some form of 'recognition' built in.

We give cards and presents to mark birthdays, Christmas, weddings etc
Certificates and medals for bravery, swimming and the best sponge cake.

Employee of the month, OBEs, CBEs etc.

We even say hello or good morning when we see friends, families and strangers.

Why do some of the posters on this thread think that running a home should be exempt from 'recognition' purely on the grounds that everyone does it.

blueshoes · 10/03/2011 19:08

QueenBath: "As women we are wired up to want to protect and nurture our own children, it's a natural and normal imperitive."

I take issue with this. Fathers are also wired to do this. Female biology is not destiny. It is this sort of thinking that holds women back from making a contribution to society outside their family that society colludes in but needs to break out of.

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 20:02

My contribution will be raising two functional sons thank you. Women who stay at home to raise their family make just as much contribution to society, it could be argued they contribute more.

Many women not only care for their children but elderly relatives and do voluntary work, I know I do and when I worked I worked in social work.

And no men are not wired up in the same way, sorry but if you believe that you have been sold a lie!

wordfactory · 10/03/2011 20:06

If you are raising your sons to beleive women have a biological need to SAH with their children, I would question how 'functional' they are.

I think they might just meet one or two girls that believe they can raise functional children and work...most women around the world do you know.

NotaMopsa · 10/03/2011 20:08

Queen i like what you say - have you name changed? (loving your choice of books too)

macdoodle · 10/03/2011 20:43

Umm Queen are you saying I am NOT raising functional children because I work
My children are very functional, they believe they can do whatever they want because they see me do it, are your sons being raised to believe a womans place is in the home

bossyboop · 10/03/2011 20:49

My dh was off work for a few weeks after a foot op and had me as his servant for weeks and dd did too as he couldnt do anything to help her it was all down to me as was all the housework. Despite me being up and down every 5 minutes fetching and carrying for them, housework, meals etc all he remembered about the stay at home experience was watching dvds all day, so when asked if he would like to be a SAHD he said yes. He failed to see what being a SAHParent actually involved. When I was working weekends he said looking after dd was easy and he enjoyed it. Of course he did, they went to the park, soft play etc Did any washing and ironing get done or cooking and cleaning? No of course it didnt but that is what I would do as part of my day as stay at home parent. I would have to come home from work wash clothes and cook tea but yet when he came home from work it was leisure time with a meal cooked for him.

Quattrocento · 10/03/2011 20:58

It is perfectly possible to raise functional children and work. Millions of people do it.

QueenBathsheba · 10/03/2011 21:16

I am not saying that you can't raise children and work, what I am trying to get over is that women who choose to stay at home often do contribute a great deal to society.

There is no greater or more important job than raising the next generation, full stop. How individual women choose to do this is up to them. Which is why it gets my goat that SAHM get such a hard time from the "I am a morally superior working super can do it all singing mum"

My sons help in the house as does DH. I teach them at home, I work part time from home and my sons actually listened to women's hour on 4 today! DS 10yrs is actually very aware of gender equality and womens rights, perhaps more so than if he were in school.

Womens right to equality at work, in public and in opportunities should also extend to womens rights to expect equal treatment and respect from other women even if she should choose childcare over paid employment.

LessNarkyPuffin · 10/03/2011 21:20

If you home ed then you are working full time.

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