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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

busy,annoyed sahm

418 replies

lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:08

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

OP posts:

ssd · 09/03/2011 20:55

oh for christ's sake, being a mother is a lifestyle choice, thats the biggest crap I've read here!

well done lolo

scottishmummy · 09/03/2011 20:58

Cooking
Cleaning
Own Child care
Home decorating
Gardening

are all unpaid activities

childcare undertaken by nanny/cm/nursery is highly externally regulated and has sanctions if not of adequate standard.

so pointless to list individual activities and tasks as if comparable to salaried job.it isnt

MosEisley · 09/03/2011 20:58

Sorry to hear about your IVF situation Lolo, that must be very hard.

I just found it odd that your views were quite strong yet you said you didn't have experience of either situation.

Perhaps I'm oversensitive, because I've found that contrary your post, as a mother people judge and bully you alot.

lololizzy · 09/03/2011 21:03

I do have experience in that have done a lot of unpaid/paid childcare as well as working outside home..and whole days spent with a screaming toddler can obviously be majorly exhausting. But i have never , ever found that as knackering and stressful as most jobs i've had! I suppose can only draw on my own experience..but most jobs i've had, not sit down and not regular breaks etc..sometimes none..therefore childcare wins on the stress factor, even the being weed on etc!
But i have respect for ALL mothers that love their children..
Given my situation..i do however feel that having a child is a luxury and privilige and i really would be happy to be a knackered, stressed mum!

ChorltonChick · 09/03/2011 21:06

but you are doing all of those things in your free time..ie. not at weekends when DH & children are around like working mums have to do..they really have NO free time a sthey have to squeeze these thing in during family time.

GotArt · 09/03/2011 21:09

I agree with you SM

at Animal Masturbator job... how do you tell that to someone at a party... its a bit of a conversation stopper before one gets going. lol

Since reading this thread when it started, I've been really examining how I spend my day, and still stand by my point that I have it pretty fucking easy being a SAHP. Today, DD and I went to dance class, then came home, but I don't have any housework to do outside the basics of dishes making lunch and we have just moved into a new place but I consider decorating as leisure time. Yes, it grates on me that I don't get to attack my artwork and writing with fervor, (my medium simply doesn't allow me to work in the home) but it gets out and I although I don't get to booze it up everyday, I spend it getting together with other SAHM for coffee, playground runs, swimming, lunching, walking in the woods... I just wish my DH, whom I thank regularly for working long grueling hours as Exec. Chef for enabling me to be able to be primary caregiver to our DD and soon to be NB, (and that appreciation for what he does is reciprocated,) could be home in the evenings.

If you take on the mentality of being a parent as a 'job' then you feel resentment after a time.

GotArt · 09/03/2011 21:16

and resentment breeds feelings of being under-valued.

QueenBathsheba · 09/03/2011 21:18

I don't work, that's what I keep DH for

I used to earn more than DH and he wanted to stay home. I said that was fine if he could just give birth and feed baby, he could be my guest.

MosEisley · 09/03/2011 21:19

This has been a fascinating thread, I've even thought about it whilst not on MN. Funny that the OP seems to have abandoned it, though.

Perhaps both work and SAHP can both be easy and hard. Some jobs are a bit dossy, with plenty of tea breaks and leaving on the dot of 5, others are long hours, stressful, tedious or whatever. Likewise the amount of work involved in looking after children depends alot on how many and how old they are.

QueenBathsheba · 09/03/2011 21:27

The amount of work in looking after children also depends on how you apply yourself to the task.

GotArt · 09/03/2011 21:29

QueenBathsheba

Mos Both have pros and cons indeed. There's days when I think about sticking pins in my eyes to break from the tediousness of it all, but then I've had jobs like that too.

I get the feeling the OP was someone who invested all her time in family and home and nothing on balance and remembering you must nurture yourself too. And now with both DC's in school full time, she is unsure what comes next because the chores are still there, cue the over-sensitive response of crying at the spare time comment.

ssd · 09/03/2011 21:31

the issue isn't SAMH V WOHM, its SAHM when-all-the-kids-are-now-at-school V the rest of the world

if you are at home 5 days a week and all your kids are in school you don't have it hard, don't kid us you do!

a SAMH with young kids under her feet all day HAS it hard!!

MosEisley · 09/03/2011 21:34

Indeed. I will join you sticking pins in my eyes if my DC get to the age of the OPs and all I do is fold my family's underwear. I can't wait to get something else in my life again too. I have a way to go though, DC3 is just 8 months...

Huffymuffy · 09/03/2011 21:38

Mmm I'm torn on this. I've been a working away from home mum since DS was 14 months, but recently become SAHM now that DS is 5 and DD is 3. I would need to earn £24k to pay for childcare full-time for DD and part time for DS, fuel for the car and possibly a cleaner and not bring any money home. For us it was a straight financial impossibility for me to work at the moment. Unless I work nights in Tesco/Sainsburys or similar. But I am so busy. I spend a lot of time washing, ironing, cleaning and sorting out the house. But I also run a toddler group once a week and go to free sessions elsewhere with DD every other day. I love it! Don't feel the need to justify myself at all. I've worked...really hard like all of us. And I will again. Stick two fingers up! It's not as hard as it was back in the day, by why should it be?

missmapp · 09/03/2011 21:42

I work three days a week, one child(5) in school and a three year old at home. On the days I work, I dont have a minute to myself, but thinking about it still manage to get to the gym in the evenings, so that is me time. On the days |I am at home, I work equally as hard, BUT can have the odd coffee morning or time working in the garden while ds2 is playing. This is me time and is a pleasure. I dont think anyone can say there days are harder or easier, but I think some people can find more ME time than others.

QueenBathsheba · 09/03/2011 21:44

I couldn't fit my full time work around children so gave up when DS1 was 6 months. After days of taking calls from staff at 6.30 am and more calls at 10pm I decided it couldn't be done.

I could at a push work for the minimum wage in tesco, working family friendly hours but I wouldn't line their pockets with cheap labour! even if...... they paid me.

It's wrong that becasue of lack of flexible working, men basically that can't boil eggs and expensive child care that as women we are often coerced to take low paid work. I think that is what makes many women feel bitter.

hmc · 09/03/2011 21:51

I'm a SAHM with school aged kids. I don't have it hard, it is a pretty cushy number. I do fill my time - but with things I choose to do mostly - am very lucky . But other SAHMs in my situation aren't quite so fortunate - I know one who has to help her frail MIL with shopping, housework, doctors appointments etc and it takes up a good deal of her time

.....so for that reason (that people don't know what is going on in the background).I think the Uncle's question was a bit impertinent and rather loaded.

Huffymuffy · 09/03/2011 21:54

Yep! Totally agree, the main reason I am not working (and DH earns enough for us to be fine, no holidays to the Carribean but hey ho), is that even with my qualifications and experience it's just not worth it. I am a Trainer or a HR manager whichever turns up first, love training though! If I were to work full time for 35-40k a year that company would expect their pound of flesh. I'd be working all hours, putting kids into nursery/school/clubs 50 hours per week, and it doesn't end when you get home. Phone calls, emails, packed lunches, ironing...blah. Guilt is one of the reasons I am not working. My babies come first and to be honest, they bloody love camping holidays or holidays where all we do is visit Grandma and Grandpa. So that's why I've thrown off work for a few years!

MosEisley · 09/03/2011 21:57

QueenB, my situation is similar and I agree with your last post.

MosEisley · 09/03/2011 21:59

And very similar to your situation too Huffy. Even worked in HR!

GotArt · 09/03/2011 22:01

hmc I commend your friend for taking on that responsibility and it is very special for her MIL to have family that cares for her. But the OP did state what was going on in her day and if there was another 'job' to be listed in amongst the ones already stated, I'm sure she would have, particularly if she was caring for an elderly parent or the like.

littlesez · 09/03/2011 22:07

can't be arsed to read 12 pages but i just wanted to say that going from a SAHM to a SAHM with school age children frees up a lot of spare time doesn't it? I mean before they went to school you had to do everything you do now PLUS look after the kids at the same time.

I wouldn't want to not work if all my children were in school all day i would be bored! Each to their own though people will judge i think. WEll they already have

hmc · 09/03/2011 22:12

My old granny used to say - only the boring get bored. I tend to agree

ReindeerBollocks · 09/03/2011 22:12

I want a job . Just had a week of DS and DD at home (DS normally in school). I'm a rubbish mummy whose had to start over this week after not coping last week fingers crossed it gets better now but I'd love to go back to work. Don't get me wrong my children are my everything and I love them dearly, but it would be nice to have a cup of tea in peace.

Both roles WOHM and SAHM have hard moments/easier days. If you are comfortable with your life then don't worry about it, just defend your choice when asked or like me cry into your cup of tea!

Quattrocento · 09/03/2011 22:12

They do say that work expands to fill the time available. Classic case IMO. I manage to keep a house, shop and cook and look after the DCs as well as hold down a job. As do many other working parents.

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