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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

busy,annoyed sahm

418 replies

lovelymumma · 07/03/2011 00:08

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/03/2011 17:14

Seems to me a lot of the WOHMs here expect kudos for their efforts in the home as well as out. Look at all those posts all over the thread pointing out what they do with themselves all day...

loler · 09/03/2011 17:48

I don't expect kudos - I just think that everyone can fill their day and call themselves busy but if you are a WOHM you have to squeeze all the home stuff into your day as well as work. It's not about who's the best or who's right but I have 3 kids, a DH who works away, a dog, hobbies, waste hours on MN, don't have a cleaner (it is easy to tell this!!) and I ALSO work. So when I saw the OP complaining about being busy I just felt a little Hmm but also a lot Envy.

I also don't expect anyone to congratulate me on my life choices and or recognise that I'm busy. The OP asked if she was being unreasonable "because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!" and compared with most WOHM she is BU - she has time to "spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post" - sounds lovely. Sorry but she did ask!

wordfactory · 09/03/2011 17:58

I think it was more a case of people saying, look, we do all that too.

It's just unrealistic to expect any recognition for it. Why should any of us get it?

Yes by all means DH should be jolly grateful I renewed his tax disc...but am suspecting no one outside my four walls gives a shit. And why should they?

loler · 09/03/2011 18:18

Wordfactory - that's what I wanted to say!

pointydog · 09/03/2011 18:44

Lots of jobs expand to fill the available time. So you manage your time.

toeragsnotriches · 09/03/2011 18:53

blackbag 11.55.50

Have actually slightly wet myself laughing over The Hoff.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2011 19:13

'It's not about who's the best or who's right but I have 3 kids, a DH who works away, a dog, hobbies, waste hours on MN, don't have a cleaner (it is easy to tell this!!) and I ALSO work. '
-- So, if you're a SAHM with 6 DCs does that equal a WOHM with 2?

'I just think that everyone can fill their day and call themselves busy but if you are a WOHM you have to squeeze all the home stuff into your day as well as work.'
-- I don't know where to start with the 'call yourself busy' versus 'work' thing. Women are not going to get anywhere when we can blithely type and click post without thinking through the implications of what we're saying about what other women do (with themselves [grrr]) all day. Patronising and dismissive much?

mathanxiety · 09/03/2011 19:20

Anyone who has ever had a really crappy, badly paid job that came with zero recognition or chance for promotion, etc., could probably identify with most SAHMs and the sort of thinly veiled derision that this thread is awash with might be familiar too.

macdoodle · 09/03/2011 19:23

Chip much ?

PrincessScrumpy · 09/03/2011 19:24

You are lucky to be able to be a sahm, many of us can't afford it. That's not me saying you don't do lots of house work etc, but I do all that and work so maybe your life isn't so hard?!

DH is supportive but also works long hours, I do 30 hours a week.

loler · 09/03/2011 19:27

It's not a competition and from what I've both typed and read no one is dismissing anyone.

The grass is always greener and all that.

scottishmummy · 09/03/2011 20:05

walmart analogy is a poor one,most inappropriate

lets see sahm,...
sets own tasks,
undertaken in own time scale
working alone and autonomous
no direct supervision of work
no appraisal of abilities,competencies or review
no pressure to adhere to predetermined standard of work
cant get sacked from it (unless he gets a a new twinkie)

sahm is not comparable to paid employment. at all

so ease up on the hard luck story

jist of this thread is most say the enjoy sahm,and they arent disproportionately rushed off feet.posters report they do fit in lunch,gym,shopping and own time

ShavingGodfreysPrivates · 09/03/2011 20:09

If you think working in Walmart is a thankless task, take a look at these jobs

Shock
mathanxiety · 09/03/2011 20:29

Having done both SAHM and working at dead end thankless jobs (though not in Walmart) I would pick the dead end thankless job because at least you get paid.

scottishmummy · 09/03/2011 20:30

yes you get paid for a job
sahm isnt a job

mathanxiety · 09/03/2011 20:34

You can get paid for most of the components of the SAHM 'non-job'.

A job is only a job when you get paid for it?

If you get paid very little, does that mean it's only partially a job?

scottishmummy · 09/03/2011 20:39

i can cook supper.doesnt mean pay me as chef

sahm is a private individual unregulated choice
work is highly regulated,income generating

and no sahp doesnt attract a salary as it isnt a job

BlackBag · 09/03/2011 20:44

Why don't the working classes just fuck off and take their scaffolding with them. Grin

lololizzy · 09/03/2011 20:44

as a SAHM, no employer is breathing down your neck, monitoring you, giving you deadlines, disciplinaries, you can take a teabreak when you want, many jobs you don't get time for even a cuppa all day. If you have an off day, no one is going to judge you or bully you. A job is a necessity, being a mother is not, it's a lifestyle choice, well said scottishmummy to all you wrote

LessNarkyPuffin · 09/03/2011 20:45

SAHM is a lifestyle choice, not a job. Childcare and cleaning are jobs. With school age children you have 9 - 3:30. It does not take that long to clean. Even if you dust.

lololizzy · 09/03/2011 20:46

looking after your child is however a necessity, and that needs to be addressed whether you are an SAHM or a working parent. I am neither, one thing i notice time and time again on mumsnet is the divide of working and stay at home mums. There doesn't seem to be a lot of respect and support for people's choices.

MosEisley · 09/03/2011 20:50

Lolo, I found taking a tea break was much easier at work than when at home with two small kids. As was taking a crap... at least I didn't have to do it with people watching.

Doesn't sound as though you have much experience from which to base your judgey-ments though....

lololizzy · 09/03/2011 20:51

Would be nice if ALL mothers supported each other, regardless of how they spend their days. Just my observation anyway, will skulk off now. (won't change my mind on SAHM being a job though). if i were a working parent that would grate a bit as i'd be working AND doing all the home stuff)

lololizzy · 09/03/2011 20:53

i meant, if too busy to get a teabreak. That, i do have experience of. So sorry i dont have the other experience..as i have been just turned down for IVF funding perhaps you would be happier if i just fucked off from MN as i'm obviously not part of the elite

mathanxiety · 09/03/2011 20:53

Cooking
Cleaning
Child care
Home decorating
Gardening

all services done for money.

LOL at the idea that the average SAHM with small children underfoot all day, let's say one with twins for instance or even a few children under the age of 6, can take a teabreak whenever she wants, has no-one breathing down her neck, hasn't a mountain of work waiting for her if she ever recovers from being sick; and lol too at the alleged lack of deadlines.

Have you ever heard of crying babies or tantrumming toddlers? Puke? Nappies that need changing? All of the above going on when you're trying to cook dinner?

And I thought being a mother was something both SAHMs and WOHMs had in common. It's not a lifestyle choice for WOHMs then, the frantic, hectic, busy-ness? Because they could just as easily choose not to have children...