busy,annoyed sahm

[lovelymumma]

I went to childrens party today.Feel upset that uncle asked @what i did with all my spare time.Uncle is nice,but never had children,and made me feel as if because I am at home and 3 children are in school,I should have all the time in the world.A school day after u drop kids off and before u leave to pick them up gives you 5 and half hours.I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

You are constantly on call, even in the middle of the night

Are you honestly saying that a working mother ignores her child in the middle of the night? Or would put her job before a sick child if the school rang?

Working mothers do all the things SAHM's do. We don't shake off our responsibilities to our children when we leave the house in the morning.

"It's taking her too long to walk the dogs"

bit at that. if you are going to have dogs, they should get adequate exercise. I would say for any healthy dog an hour a day is necessary, whether it is one long walk or 3 x 20min ones

FWIW my dog is nearly 16 and still walks an hour a day, happily. I'm glad the OP sacrifices that hour for the dog- so she should!

Jooly I don't think people were suggesting that she neglect the dogs, they were saying she could incorporate the walk when she takes her children to and from school rather than specifically put an hour aside for it.

Not that it's any of our business when she walks her dogs tbh.

I probably spend half hour eating having coffee,whilst catching up on e mails or post.an hour walking dogs.An hour doing washing and ironing.Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away.another hour can be spent on shopping or cooking,which usually leaves an hour for trying to decorate our new,old house.I don't see where I'm supposed to have all this spare time.At same party dad who only has children once or twice a week asked me if I worked,and thought I was so lucky not too.aaagh,just having a rant,because they think my life is so perfect,with all this spare time for me!

Having re-read the OP's post, I think there is a lot of fuffing about. I'm a SAHM as well, but cart 2 year DD throughout the day to various places so I can do my at home work too. A "half hour eating having coffee whilst catching up on emails and post." Sorry, but that is social time to yourself. I doubt very much there is pertinent emails that are being answered daily that are not simple social engaging. Come on, be honest. An hour to walk the dogs should be understood as being time to yourself... get rid of the dogs if you don't really like/want the responsibility. An hour ordering various things for DC's off the internet takes an hour every day... sorry but that sounds like bull shit. I walk to the store everyday for dinner but I look at it like it is a going out of the house event, many times stopping to have a coffee at the cafe, leisure time, even though DD is with me. It being winter time, I suspect there's not a whole hell of a lot of gardening or clearing out being done and an hour a day to decorate... wish I had the money to spend an hour a day to be creative like that, an I'm an artist. As for putting away clothes, your DC's are old enough to do it themselves if they are at school full time now.

It really sounds more like the OP is being a self-proclaimed martyr and not appreciating or being grateful of her luck to be a SAHM now that her LO's are all at school full-time, as most don't have that luxury. I think there is certainly something underlining her reason to crying all the way home as she knows she is over-compensating her role at home, and knows that she does indeed have it pretty damn easy compared to most but is unwilling to acknowledge it openly how bloody lovely it really is to get all these home tasks done now without LO's tugging at you. Time management and lack of organizational skills seem to be an issue. Throw on a load of laundry before heading out to school run... I just timed how long it took me to do it and it was 2 minutes. Done, came home from shopping, tossed it in the dryer. Done. Changed DD's diaper, put down for nap, made cup of tea, which took less than 10 minutes total, sat on arse and read this thread for the last 30 minutes and now am wondering, AIBU to say I can't believe I just wasted 30 minutes on such tripe?

Ps... I love being a SAHM, even though it gets tedious sometimes, but thank goodness I get to stay at home and make a home for my family, as a lot of my friends children are being raised by daycares and nanny's... I also know that my work allows me that luxury as well.

I know, ShavingGodfreysPrivates (fab name btw!) but to a dog trudging on a lead up a busy street to a school is in no way equivalent to a great bounding run-and-sniff in the park.

I know I am being a bit dog-precious (can you tell I had my hounds before my children? ), but I also don't like my dogs pooing on the pavement- I always pick it up, but sometimes you can't quite get it all iyswim (poss tmi- old dog with not great digestive system!!) , nor am I comfortable trying to control my chuildren AND dogs near a busy road (am projecting here- OP probably lives in a leafy suburb and has impeccably behaved pooch with nice solid poos ) Finally, I'm not keen on dogs at school gates- even mine, who I trust implicitly (although they could quite conceivably snatch someone's packed lunch..) Lots of children, me trying to control my own 3 dc, dogs excited and frustrated at being reined in, children rushing up to dogs and/or screaming at the sight of them...

It's just not ideal, from a dog-owner's pov (well, mine!)

get rid of the dogs if you don't really like/want the responsibility

OP never said she doesn't like/want the responsibility!

An hour ordering various things for DC's off the internet takes an hour every day

Selective reading there - what OP actually said was "Another hour cleaning house and trying to order stuff children need off internet for various activities or catching up on doing garden or clearing stuff out,or putting clothes away"

The hour covers all those things, not just ordering off t'internet

Jooly sadly I can't claim to have thought of this name, I owe a debt of thanks to LeninGrad for it

I understand what you mean about walking two dogs and supervising children plus the dogshit dilemma. A run in the park or in the woods is far more satisfying for the animal rather than trudging along the road on a lead.

I appear to be playing devils advocate here!

And from the pov of someone who did up an old house and a garden, it takes considerably longer than an hour to get any decorating done. Painting, wallpaper, laying tiles, making curtains and hanging them, are all going to take up your time.

Gardening can only be done when the weather allows, and contrary to beliefs expressed here, it is not now winter and if you don't attend to it for a few hours at a stretch and keep on doing that frequently during the growing season you will soon be up to your armpits in weeds.

If you allow yourself a few hours to actually get a decorating job done from start to finish (painting a room for instance, including moving the furniture etc) then you still have all the everyday housework to attend to when you're done. If you spend the hours you can spend in the garden then the same applies wrt the other housework. And painting, papering, tiling, etc are physically demanding (recently painted ceilings myself and I'm not getting any younger), same with gardening.

No matter how much the children chip in, they are not going to be able to do more than the odd chore and they usually need management in order to do what they do, a pita in and of itself.

I'm sure there are many ways we could all make better use of our time whether at home or at work if we were all brutally honest with ourselves. But don't tear this OP apart based on fond imaginings of what her life must be like. She couldn't have been feeling too good if she cried and felt desperate as she described here.

Have read the first and last and don't know whether to laugh or cry. Our DC are 12 and 16. The DH works abroad Mon-Fri. I work full time. The average day goes:

Up at 6.30ish
load w/mach and put on kettle, feed cat
shower and get ready for work
Wake DD
Tidy kitchen (again)
Hang up wet washing and fold dry
Wake DS
Chat DD and give breakfast - have together
Chase DS
Put in toast for DS
Rush upstairs do lights and tidy beds/supervise
DD leaves at 8
DS and I leave at 8.10ish
Drive DS to school and then go straight to work
Very demanding job from 8.45 - 5(ish)- often no break - lunch on the go
come home - Waitrose on way
Make sure dc OK
Cook supper
Tidy up again
Have chat about homework, plans for tomorrow
Iron for about 20 mins
Make sure everything ready for next day
Catch up on e-mails/post
Sometimes do a couple of hours paperwork from work
sometimes sit down at about 8.45
Go to bed, perhaps having helped with vocab, maths,etc.
Some nights there are pick ups and drop offs to fit in.
some nights there is shopping to unload
Friday night DH comes home and likes a nice weekend.

If the OP would like to swap she can be my guest. I don't resent what I do but I cannot, simply cannot quite understand where the OP is coming from. I was a SAHM for 8 years and like many other posters never felt put upon, apart from the voluntary stuff and look back on the freedom of being able to sneak off to a gallery or a coffee with friends and of dedicating myself to the dc when they got home.

once your day sounds like mine. Full on from the moment I wake up till bedtime. BUT wouldn't want to swap with a SAHM. I was one once and it bored me silly!

My precious DCs, all 5 of them, wake themselves up and make their own breakfasts, so ner ner. And their schoolday starts at 8.

Why are you chasing a 12 or 16 yo DS in the mornings? And putting in toast for them (how exhausting) -- apart from the obvious comment that a 12 yo can put on their own toast surely?

Sorry, but really, the competitive whining is getting ridiculous.

Ladies,
OP hasn't come back. Her post indicates some over-sensitivity (crying in the car afterwards) which means she might be under stress.
There is not point talking about her in the third person when she is not here.

It doesn't help listing how many things we can do and how fast.

Hi OP; I'm you, basically. I'm at home with three (9,6,4) who go to different schools and extracurriculars so lots of driving about. We have a dog too so daily walks a must. Laundry, dishes, cleaning up after kids neverending....constant errands and fetching of new shoes, glasses, dentist, doctor, vet, e-mails, meal plans and ordering groceries etc. I love being at home but my days are full. to. the. brim. There's not a second to spare as my husband usually doesn't get home 'til 7:30/8:00 so I do all the bathing, stories, pj's and lunch prep as well. I do find time to workout 5 or 6 days a week but I consider it preventative medicine as I had PPD after baby #3 (plus I love the challenge). I occasionally volunteer at my kids' school and I'm doing some online science courses as I fantasize about doing another degree one day. Being at home is busy; I often marvel at women who work full-time with the same number of kids and wonder "how they do it"...I'm guessing the workouts, dog-walking, volunteering and sleep would have to go? I'm also a bit of a perfectionist so I do like things tidy-ish and I make everything from scratch (but I enjoy cooking too). I can't imagine running in the door and throwing a frozen pizza in the oven every night (no judgement....I'm a bit of a foodie). Staying at home IS a good life even though I often think how much I'd like to work outside the home again...I'm sure I will one day. Seasons and all that.

Perhaps because I care and because they are very, very important to me and it's what my mother did for me and because being a mother is very important to me. What would you prefer - neglect and disorder and tea eaten on trays and unironed shirts. Or rather, a rudeness competition.

I often marvel at women who work full-time with the same number of kids and wonder "how they do it"...I'm guessing the workouts, dog-walking, volunteering and sleep would have to go?

I have three children and work long hours, but I disagree that things have to 'go'; they are just done before/after I'm at work!

never bored at home me
6 dcs and a big and old ( constant decorating etc) house

meh meh m-meh meh to all you working ones who were 'bored' when sahms! As my old Nanny would have said 'bored= boring'

I must admit that I get breakfast for my two boys (14 and 17) because left to their own devices they simply wouldn't get round to it and I think it's important that they eat before they leave for school.

So shoot me

I work part time (8-noon) and some evenings, have only one child and one dog, and can barely get everything done.

I'm just not that sort of person. I have friends who are fabulously competent and organized, and it's a real struggle for me to be that way. Everyone has strengths, and that's not mine.

I do think the OP was being a bit over-sensitive, but I don't think she needs to justify the way she spends her time either.

I've worked full time until 18 months ago (now have 3DCs). And when I was working I was exhausted juggling it all. Now I am now working I constantly get asked by my friends and former colleagues (whom I still see socially) when I will be coming back to work. When I say it won't be for a while, they are all surprised and question what I do all day.

It took a while to get used to but I can honestly say that our family life as a whole is 500% better than when I worked. Yes, my day is less "busy" but so what? It wasn't fun being stretched to the limit. I don't feel the need to do much housework (low standards!) but do put dishwasher and washing machine on every day to keep up with it all and also cook all the meal during the week. But other than that I enjoy my DD (still at home) and being with my other kids outside school hours. I enjoy my family life so much more on my new "go slow" life. I don't need to justify to anyone what I do all day.

And if we were really rich then I'm fairly certain DH would give up work and we would happily "pootle" about all day together.....

And yes, walking the dog does take a good hour a day - he needs the off lead time. School run not enough.

I'm wondering whether the OP on some level questions whether those who ask about her "spare" time have a point. If she thought: "What a load of bollocks! i do this, this and this and there's no way I could squeeze in anything else. What are they on about?!". Instead of she feels the need to keep on justifying every little chore. If someone says they manage everything and it's a doddle, she questions whether they have 3 kids and a husband and a dog. When someone said yes, then she says that oh, but do they have daughters because her daughters are messy. I guess some people will always have an answer to all the arguments that might prove them wrong.

Anyway, I'm with the group who says you stretch your tasks accordingly to time available. Even a tiny thing suddenly becomes the master task for the day. If I were the OP, I'd say to myself "good on me" and not try to prove I'm a martyr.

The thing is all the stuff that it takes to run a family and a home should be appreciated by those directly involved ie the family.

But, it's simply absurd to expect outsiders to appreciate it or value it.

Why should you care, be impressed by or value the fact that I emptied the tumble dryer this morning?
I mean seriously. Expecting recognition for that is just daft.

So either you are the sort of person who doesn't want or need outside recognition, or if you are, you seek it elsewhere.

Worst of all worlds is being a SAHP expecting recognition from outside. You won't get it. And I'm not actually sure you should.

That's interesting Wordfactory, I think that's what I mean by working entirely within the home requiring a shift in your mental state.

It's a bit of a shock to the system after 30 years of 'well done' school reports, promotions and appraisals from external sources to only having internal validation.

Mind you imagine The Hoff undertaking domestic tasks he'd have the tumble dryer congratulating him Knightrider style.

Off to ring Douglas Adams Cybinetic lift company.

LOL.

I agree being a parent full stop needs a mental shift and being a SAHP involves an entire paradigm change.

I think it's also important not to conflate running a home with bringing up a family.

Running a home is simply what absolutely everyone does. The childless still hoover, walk dogs, shop, cook and clean, decorate and recycle.

None of these things attract recognition outside those directly affected and nor should they.

housework and parenting expand to fill the available time

agree activate.
On my 3rd lot of mat leave and fairly busy (less so when children are awake as I can't study then anyway), but don't sit around much. DH is at home now and I am rocking a post-vaccination grumpy baby.
When I go back to work the chores will get done in the evening and there will be less home-made food...