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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dp was unreasonable?!

144 replies

Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 21:49

I'm at sahm. I love it but don't go out much. Went to Allen Carr today, paid £220 and felt very positive after. Had my "last" cigarette at 2pm and then went to get my hair cut. Got in at 7.30pm (long time for me not to smoke), and hadn't even taken my coat off when he told me how ill our dd had been today - explosive nappies, vomited 3 times, dry gagged, lying on kitchen floor limp etc. Obviously very worrying. She had very bad diarrhoea for about a month recently which was horrendous, couldn't walk her bum was so sore, wasn't eating, I went to docs at least 3 times with her. So anyway I asked (probably not in the gentlest of tones but you can understand my worry when she's been so ill for so long so recently, I am the one that has to deal with her alone all day, my coat is still on and he hasn't even asked how my course was, I've just been bombarded) - why is she ill so much?! He took an aggressive tone back, saying she wasn't ill all the time, I said she was more than I think is normal considering she doesn't have any older siblings and doesn't go to nursery, he told me to stop having a go at him - and basically it escalated into an argument and u went and bought sins ciggies and a bottle of wine! Aibu to think that he could have at least let me take my coat off and asked about my course before bombarding me, and that hd shouldn't have taken such a tone with me/given me some leeway if I was meant to be giving up smoking? I know stressful situations occur in life, but 2 minutes after walking through the door? Now I am upset I am smoking again, upset with him, and worried about my dd. He had it all under control, was waiting for em doc to call back and cleaning up sick etc so aibu to have expected him to think about me in this situation? I hardly ever go out either, so now I also feel nervous about what will happen when I do!

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 05/03/2011 21:54

Yabu. You had been out for the day and he had been looking after a sick child which is always stressfull.

Flisspaps · 05/03/2011 21:56

YABU - your DD is sick, what difference does it make if your coat is on or off?

You can't expect people to tiptoe around you because you're trying to give up smoking (well done on trying though, I know it's hard)

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 21:56

I think it was fairly natural for him to 'bombard' you with your child's symptoms given that he's been alone with her and no doubt worried. Perhaps his tone of panic and worry got your back up and your tone got his up?

I don't think I would have asked you straight away either (sorry) the child would come first and perhaps if it hadn't got to an argument he would of course asked about your session and how it went.

Please don't blame him or the situation for you smoking, that's a cop out and something covered on the Alan Carr programme.

Hope your little one gets better soon though, sounds like a rough time Sad

AnnieLobeseder · 05/03/2011 21:57

So he shouldn't express his worry about his DD because you're trying to give up smoking? Hmm

You're the one who turned it into an argument, you could have just asked for a minute to get yourself organised. And he quite rightly prioritised talking about your ill DD over talking about you and your day off.

YABVU.

fivegomadinthelambingshed · 05/03/2011 21:58

YABU, £220 to give up smoking, I paid £80 for hypnotherapy and it worked!!

YAalsoBU about your DP.

sourdoughface · 05/03/2011 21:58

i think you are being pretty unreasonable

if he hadnt mentioned kid had been ill, you would have moaned at him for that

FabbyChic · 05/03/2011 21:59

I too think as soon as you walk in he is going to tell you before he asks about anything else. What did you want him to do "Oh hello darling how was your day" then half an hour later tell you?

Get real and get into the real world.

Sounds like she is having a reaction to something she is either eating or drinking if she has the shits and is sick so much.

She has some kind of intollerance. Find out what it is so she is not sick anymore.

EverybodyLovesWine · 05/03/2011 21:59

A stressful time for both of you but I think YABU.

I would say that as you are probably more used to seeing DD unwell, you may not have appreciated how hard it may have been for him if he doesn't see her as much when she is ill.

It's not his fault she was ill when you went out and can see why he didn't ask about the course straightawy.

DramaInPyjamas · 05/03/2011 22:01

YABU. Your child should come first. No matter how rough your day was.

KatieMiddleton · 05/03/2011 22:03

Yabu. Sorry

pollyblue · 05/03/2011 22:03

Sorry, I think YABU. Your dd being ill is surely more important than the fact you're giving up smoking? I've got 3 dc under 4 and don't get out much either, but if I'd come home to dd in that state I'd have been straight in there helping dh clear up the sick, coat still on or not. He probably "bombarded" you with it all because he was worried (as I'm sure you are too). But I wouldn't have expected him to ask me about what I'd been doing until the em doc had been and dd was settled in bed etc......

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 05/03/2011 22:04

Is it just me that wondered why you went to see a comedian for such an extortionate price when your dd was so ill? Blush

ConstanceFelicity · 05/03/2011 22:06

YABU.

Original poster
Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 22:08

Thanks for your comments. I am (was) actually trying to give up for our family, so I could spend more time with my daughter and our family. I do fully accept stresses will occur, just at that moment, when it is such a big deal to me after smoking for nearly 20 years and actually there was no physical emergency with our dd, would have been nice to have a breather and at least taken my coat off and put my bag down before launching into the worry. My dp knows me well, knows I don't cope well with stress, knows I worry about our dd constantly, knows I don't like leaving her, knows I don't sleep much as I worry if she even has so much as a cold ... I am not saying my giving up smoking is more important than getting the info on how she has been today, or that he should tiptoe around me, just would have been nice if perhaps he had given me 5 minutes to get in the door and get my head straight. If I have had a bad day with our dd I always make sure I ask him about his day etc before starting on my list of concerns! Just trying to communicate in an effective way.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 05/03/2011 22:08

YABU
I'm afraid the AC method doesn't sound like it has worked this time if you didn't get through the day without smoking. As you know, life is stressful and stresses cannot be avoided. I quit using AC two weeks ago and have since split with my H, sorted full time childcare and have been ill. I'm not trying to sound smug but if you think you need to be protected from stress in order to stop smoking then you have the wrong frame of mind about it.

Original poster
Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 22:10

By the way, she was already in bed when I got in.

OP posts:
ShavingGodfreysPrivates · 05/03/2011 22:11

YABU

Your young child has been puking up etc and your main concern is that he didn't ask how your course went?

Get a fecking grip.

Blame yourself and your lack of willpower for chucking £220 down the drain, not your OH.

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 22:17

My dp knows me well, knows I don't cope well with stress, knows I worry about our dd constantly, knows I don't like leaving her, knows I don't sleep much as I worry if she even has so much as a cold

There are an awful lot of "I's" in there. What about your DP? If you are usually the one home with her when she is ill, then can you not understand how worrying it must have been for him to deal with his ill child alone?

Jaydles · 05/03/2011 22:18

I don't really know what the AC thing is but why would giving up smoking mean you could spend more time with your family?
I do think though that he was probably as someone else wrote a bit freaked out at seeing your daughter ill if it is something that you normally deal with then I would expect him to say it as soon as you walked in. I think I would've been more pissed off had he had a 20 minute conversation about my day then just dropped into conversation oh by the way DD was REALLY ill today.

pollyblue · 05/03/2011 22:20

I hardly ever go out either, so now I also feel nervous about what will happen when I do!

I'm sure it will be fine. Perhaps you should try and arrange more regular time 'off', so you get used to being away from dd (and hopefully stress less about it) and you dh gets used to looking after her on his own - though to be fair it sounds like he managed things very well today.

FWIW I got to college one day a week - rarely get to eat lunch and arrive home just as dh is starting tea for our 3dc. It's bedlam and I usually end up mucking in, jacket still on, and don't get anything to eat or drink myself for a good half an hour, though after an afternoon in a stained glass workshop I'm spitting feathers. Such is life! Grin In all seriousness, never mind the Allen Carr thing, have you considered something like meditation or yoga classes to help you relax?

Original poster
Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 22:21

My dp and I generally have a good, supportive relationship. If for example I knew one day he was going to find out at work whether he still had a job or not, and dd had been ill that day, I would ask him about what happened when he got in. Then I would talk to him about dd later as I feel that is a more constructive way of doing things. If I knew he had had a stressful day and actually there was no emergency with our dd, I don't see why it isn't helpful to at least let him get in the door after a hard day, and catch up, before reeling off my worries. I just think there is a way of communicating with your partner which can be helpful. But obviously I am a terrible mother/partner for expecting a little empathy?! I was actually trying to give up smoking for our family, it was meant to be a long term thing :-(

OP posts:
nenevomito · 05/03/2011 22:22

OP - I may be a lone voice here, but I do get what you are saying. That if your DD was in bed and the situation was under control then he could have let you come in and take your coat off. I think that having the whole situation thrown at you the moment you walked through the door was pretty harsh.

Its not about not caring that you DD had been poorly, but about not even being able to take your coat off before he started.

YABU blaming him on starting smoking again, but don't smoke again tomorrow and move on from there.

Out of interest - as your DD has been poorly recently, do you do the same to him and tell him everything bad that has happened during the day the moment he walks in? Did you feel that what he did was unfair as you don't and that you couldn't even have one day off without being made to feel bad.

Maybe I'm reading too much into your post, but that's what I took from it.

sourdoughface · 05/03/2011 22:24

to be honest and harsh, if you have been smoking 20 years you cant worry that much about your family and your kid

Original poster
Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 22:24

Pollyblue, thanks. Usually I am exactly the same and dp has no probs looking after dd. Was just the first thing I've tried to do for myself today in 2 years and a bit upset it all went wrong. But thank you, it's nice to hear a kind word.

OP posts:
bessie26 · 05/03/2011 22:25

YABU. Your DD was "lying on kitchen floor limp" and your DH was "waiting on em doc to call back" and you think that it was more important to talk about your day? I suspect if he'd started off talking to your about your day & then told you that DD had been sick you would be on here moaning about that instead.

And £220 for Allen Carr? Bloody hell! DH & I bought the books & gave up straight away (after 17yrs of smoking) about 7 years ago - sounds like you need to re-read your notes from today and start afresh in the morning.