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AIBU?

To think my dp was unreasonable?!

144 replies

Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 21:49

I'm at sahm. I love it but don't go out much. Went to Allen Carr today, paid £220 and felt very positive after. Had my "last" cigarette at 2pm and then went to get my hair cut. Got in at 7.30pm (long time for me not to smoke), and hadn't even taken my coat off when he told me how ill our dd had been today - explosive nappies, vomited 3 times, dry gagged, lying on kitchen floor limp etc. Obviously very worrying. She had very bad diarrhoea for about a month recently which was horrendous, couldn't walk her bum was so sore, wasn't eating, I went to docs at least 3 times with her. So anyway I asked (probably not in the gentlest of tones but you can understand my worry when she's been so ill for so long so recently, I am the one that has to deal with her alone all day, my coat is still on and he hasn't even asked how my course was, I've just been bombarded) - why is she ill so much?! He took an aggressive tone back, saying she wasn't ill all the time, I said she was more than I think is normal considering she doesn't have any older siblings and doesn't go to nursery, he told me to stop having a go at him - and basically it escalated into an argument and u went and bought sins ciggies and a bottle of wine! Aibu to think that he could have at least let me take my coat off and asked about my course before bombarding me, and that hd shouldn't have taken such a tone with me/given me some leeway if I was meant to be giving up smoking? I know stressful situations occur in life, but 2 minutes after walking through the door? Now I am upset I am smoking again, upset with him, and worried about my dd. He had it all under control, was waiting for em doc to call back and cleaning up sick etc so aibu to have expected him to think about me in this situation? I hardly ever go out either, so now I also feel nervous about what will happen when I do!

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LittleMissHissyFit · 05/03/2011 23:06

You are using every trick in the book, every excuse known to justify that your £220 was a total waste of time, and you haven't got the desire nor will power to give up cigarettes.

Life is tough someetimes, yet you blew a good £250-£300 quid today, and for what? Nothing.

FOR the sake of your sick daughter and your stressed H, you OWE them the giving up, you need to make sure that you being out of the house was worth it.

FWIW, I know myself that being at home all day with a tired or sick child is horrific, and the first thing you do when the other partner comes in the door is to off-load.

Sure it's not nice to do that to the person coming home but it happens.

Bin the fags and make that £220+++ worth it. Refuse to FAIL.

LessNarkyPuffin · 05/03/2011 23:06

If this isn't a wind up, stop going on about how you were trying to give up for your family and how it was supposed to be a longterm thing.

If you want to give up, put out the cigarette you're smoking and throw away the packet. Vinegar on them can stop you taking them back out and smoking them. If you can't get through tomorrow, buy some patches and try that way.

You need to accept that you are stopping and, even if you have one, not give up on the idea and give yourself license to smoke again.

Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 23:07

No but I was ready to, sounds crap but 5 hours a long time for ne.

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LittleMissHissyFit · 05/03/2011 23:08

I smoked for over 10 yrs, gave up 2 yrs ago, because it's hateful, makes us stink to high heaven, looks so dreadful AND harms us and those around us. Bloody expensive too.

I bought gum, and never bought another pack again.

Get on with it OP!

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/03/2011 23:08

Casmama you are being really out of order. There is no need to pick and poke at her decision to start smoking again after her baby was born, I'm sure she realises it was a bad decision (as do we all who stop during pregnancy and start again). She's made the decision to stop and needs some support as it's not easy. I agree it's not correct to blame anyone else for her decision to smoke but it sounds like both parents were stressed and snappy, not that either of them were U actually, and yet you are being quite nasty to the OP.

Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 23:09

Thanks for your comments on the smoking guys. Don't mind hearing a harsh word in that side. You're right. Just refuse to be told I'm a bad mother/partner.

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PaisleyLeaf · 05/03/2011 23:10

Is this like one of those 'I know I'm in the wrong, so I'd better get in first with the accusations' things?
Like woe betide your DP if he's annoyed about the hundreds of pounds that's just gone on a day out and haircut.

Jaydles · 05/03/2011 23:11

But isn't vomiting, having diarrhea for a month, laying limp on the kitchen floor and having to call the emergency doctor surely is ill enough for him to call you?
I can understand that if she wasn't actually that ill he could've waited until you got through the door but having stayed at home with an extremely ill child it's the first thing I have done to my DH.

SwingOutSisters · 05/03/2011 23:11

men are not used to being slaves, therefore when confronted with a simple dilemma they can't cope and will portion the blame even if not warranted onto YOU, men are selfish pigs.

bessie26 · 05/03/2011 23:11

You were ready? Was that it then? £220 got you a few hours where you could have given up and now that opportunity has passed you're just going to continue smoking? That'll learn your DH for not putting you first all the time.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/03/2011 23:12

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 23:12

I don't think you're a bad mother or a bad partner because I don't know you.

What I do think is in this instance from what you've written, you were incredibly selfish. I still don't think you see your partner's worry and stress in all this and that you've mistaken it for aggression.

Also if my kids are ill, I really don't give a shit if my coat is on, off or laying in the dog's basket..I want to hear about it first.

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 23:14

men are not used to being slaves, therefore when confronted with a simple dilemma they can't cope and will portion the blame even if not warranted onto YOU, men are selfish pigs

And the award for most ignorant, sexist, sweeping post of the year goes to...swingoutsisters

Casmama · 05/03/2011 23:17

Good post worraliberty.
And Eric, you maybe right about me being nasty, I wasn't convinced that the OP was being entirely honest but accept that my comments were not helpful. However, I think the OP is feeling pretty sorry for herself, that those feelings are misplaced and that perhaps being a bit challenging may make her consider that. Perhaps not.

Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 23:18

Yes I wanted to hear about it. No I didn't want to be shouted at when I worried why she was ill all the time. Yes I feel under an incredible amount of pressure because I don't know why she is ill. And my dp is extremely competent professionally and at home - but shouts at me for worrying/being stressed about her. The diarrohea was a separate issue. Lasted a month and was so upsetting. Only stopped a week or 2 ago through my own research as went to docs 3 times and they did nothing to help.

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/03/2011 23:18

Whiskymist I work long hours DH is a SAHD and sometimes when he has had a bad day I don't get my coat off before he offloads his concerns or I get one of the kids crying or complaining at me. I don't like it much but I take it to mean that DH is close to snapping point and just needs a bit of backup / chance to vent.

There is nothing to stop you having a last cigarette tonight and getting up tomorrow morning knowing you haven't smoked for 8 hours already. I know I fell of the wagon when giving up but the key thing was to stop again as quickly as possible. You also need to find different ways of coping with stress including being able to say to your DH " Just let me get my coat off dear and I'll give you my full attention"

ShavingGodfreysPrivates · 05/03/2011 23:19

PMSL @ Swingout - I see you've posted the same thing on a couple of other threads you wee rascal

thornykate · 05/03/2011 23:20

Sorry but YABU. I did the Alan Carr course & the main point was that you should be able to quit after the course regardless of stressors, he specifically makes the point that IF you understand the course correctly it is not necessary to avoid stress to stop smoking & you should actually enjoy not smoking more at such times that would usually trigger more smoking eg after an argument.

Maybe you need to take up the moneyback guarantee or call the course leader up as I believe you are entitled to go back for a 2nd day if it hasnt worked for you?

good luck you will get there in the end just keep trying.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/03/2011 23:21

I am a bit concerned to read that your DH shouts at you when you are worried about your DD being ill.

Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 23:21

Bessie, not about putting me first, just about working together and knowing each other as a couple. If you care about someone you care about how you present upsetting news to them.

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ShavingGodfreysPrivates · 05/03/2011 23:22

Yes I wanted to hear about it. No I didn't want to be shouted at when I worried why she was ill all the time

" So anyway I asked (probably not in the gentlest of tones ... "

Maybe you shouldn't have snapped at him if you didn't want him to snap back? Just a thought.

Jaydles · 05/03/2011 23:22

Is the issue not that he told you about the illness but that he was aggressive towards you when you questioned why she is always ill? If that's the case then he was probably just stressed out from being at home with her not that he doesn't care about your efforts to stop smoking. It might just be a passing sickness phase, my 18 month old has had chest infections since December and following 3 lots of antibiotics they have decided it is viral and will just have to go itself.

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thornykate · 05/03/2011 23:22

Meant to add, hope your LO is better soon too.

Casmama · 05/03/2011 23:23

To be fair thornykate I think the enjoying not smoking more at stressful times is probably sometime down the road but definitely once the physical withdrawal symptoms have gone which takes much longer than five hours. Going back to the course leader is a good shout though.

Whiskymist · 05/03/2011 23:24

Guys thank you. I was prepared for straddles and actually didn't mind being told dd was ill, just upset when got an aggressive tine of voice for wondering why she was ill so much and turned into an argument. This is more like the supportive mumsnet I used to know and love...

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