To think my dp was unreasonable?!

[Whiskymist]

I'm at sahm. I love it but don't go out much. Went to Allen Carr today, paid £220 and felt very positive after. Had my "last" cigarette at 2pm and then went to get my hair cut. Got in at 7.30pm (long time for me not to smoke), and hadn't even taken my coat off when he told me how ill our dd had been today - explosive nappies, vomited 3 times, dry gagged, lying on kitchen floor limp etc. Obviously very worrying. She had very bad diarrhoea for about a month recently which was horrendous, couldn't walk her bum was so sore, wasn't eating, I went to docs at least 3 times with her. So anyway I asked (probably not in the gentlest of tones but you can understand my worry when she's been so ill for so long so recently, I am the one that has to deal with her alone all day, my coat is still on and he hasn't even asked how my course was, I've just been bombarded) - why is she ill so much?! He took an aggressive tone back, saying she wasn't ill all the time, I said she was more than I think is normal considering she doesn't have any older siblings and doesn't go to nursery, he told me to stop having a go at him - and basically it escalated into an argument and u went and bought sins ciggies and a bottle of wine! Aibu to think that he could have at least let me take my coat off and asked about my course before bombarding me, and that hd shouldn't have taken such a tone with me/given me some leeway if I was meant to be giving up smoking? I know stressful situations occur in life, but 2 minutes after walking through the door? Now I am upset I am smoking again, upset with him, and worried about my dd. He had it all under control, was waiting for em doc to call back and cleaning up sick etc so aibu to have expected him to think about me in this situation? I hardly ever go out either, so now I also feel nervous about what will happen when I do!

Babyheave, thank you, you hit the nail on the head. No thanks to the other poster, I care about my family more than anything, how dare you suggest otherwise.

There is no I in team.

Exactly.

And I only expected 5 mins to get my coat off, not 30, not halfway through the evening ... How would you feel for example if you'd been at work all day then walked in and your dp had just thrust some awful news upon you?! Really - why is it hard to understand all I expected was to be told in a constructive, calm way? If a member of your family was ill, or god forbid something more serious had happened, would you really wNt your do to say as soon as you got through the door "so and so has had a heart attack" or whatever?! Is it not more caring to think for one second about the feelings of the person you are informing?

Having read everything else you've said I still think YABVU sorry.

Thanks beer. Agree with you. Just wanted 5 mins on the first day :-)

I would cut my husband some slack if he blurted it out as I walked in the door. I'd assume he'd been bottling it all up inside and would put his feelings before my smoking session and haircut, but we're all different I suppose.

Ooooh some mean responses on here! OP I didn't actually answer your question - no it was not too much to expect a minute to get your coat off, but your anxiety over stopping smoking has blown this up into something out of proportion. You are blaming your return to smoking on your DP's behaviour which is incorrect. In fact you haven't absorbed the message properly. I advise you to get a refubd on the seminar and buy his book for a fiver, and do it over a couple of weeks, at your own pace.

How would you feel for example if you'd been at work all day then walked in and your dp had just thrust some awful news upon you?

But you haven't been at work all day, you said you are a SAHM. You've been to a stop smoking session and then had your hair done.

Don't make ridiculous comparisons,

I can understand that you are upset that a rare day to yourself has been spoilt - I am also a sahm so know how precious they are. But honestly if one of my DCs was ill I would be annoyed that my DH hadn't rung me during the day to tell me and if it had just started recently I would expect to be told the minute I got through the door and would want to check on them before taking of my coat or talking about my day.

OP - YABU, very, very unreasonable.

Your DD has been very ill all day, having had a month of diarrhoea. I think it is perfectly reasonable for your DP to explain your DD had been so ill and I can completely understand why he might have been rather stressed when telling you - I imagine he has had one hell of a day and was relieved when you came home. You say he had the situation all under control as he was waiting on the emergency GP to call back and was cleaning up sick - I'm actually amazed you didn't think to ask what was wrong when you could see all of this. I would hardly call that as having the situation under control.

Reading your subsequent posts, I am very about you expecting a little empathy. Your DP was telling you how ill your DD had been and you're upset that he didn't ask how your day was first?! Unbelievable!

Is this a wind up?
If you have been smoking for 20 years then presumably you smoked throughout your pregnancy as well. That the fact that with your daughter limp on the floor, dp stressed and worried about your daughter and waiting for the emergency doc to phone back you want him to let you take your coat off and talk about your day before updating you on the health of your child is bloody weird and selfish.
And in case you're wondering, yes I was a smoker for 14 years and stopped immediately after getting a positive pregnancy test. Stop making excuses for yourself.

Yes, some very mean posts on here. Oh well - it's their children that have to deal with these women. Actually - my point was really not that I didn't wNt to hear about my dd, I spend every waking second of my life thinking/attending to her. I asked for photos of her today and was constantly thinking about her. It was the fact that it was put across to me in an aggressive way - I was worried about why she gets ill so much and he had a go at me for saying that. Actually he was the one belittling me for worrying about her, that there could be something seriously wrong with her etc.

Casmama

I'm beginning to think this is a wind up too. Surely nobody could be so utterly self centred as this!

OP have you namechanged or are you a new member?

No I didn't smoke during my pregnancy actually. And when I said "limp" the way dp put it across to me was that she was just tired/exhausted/I'll. Just very unlike her.

Why didn't he call you during the day if she was so ill? I think that would have made me angrier that he had left it until I got home tbh

Well if you stopped when you were pregnant why did you start again if your family are so important to you?
You asked for photos of your daughter when you were away from her for a few hours yet were more interested in talking about your day despite the fact that she was really ill.
Wind up.

Seriously?! I have dealt with and worried about every breath that she takes from the moment she was born and try to make one of the mist important decisions on my life and I'm not afforded 5 minutes to take my coat off before I am made to feel like a bad mother for leaving her and not even acknowledged I have stopped smoking 20 a day because I want to do it for both of them?! All I wanted was a nod to it.

Because she wasn't that ill is why he didn't call me I guess. Toddlers sick/tired all the time no? Yes I worry but I worry about her all the time, docs always fob me off. I'm going to ignore the ignorant "why didn't you stop smoking earlier" comments. Why didn't you stop becoming such a bitch earlier, your poor kids, do you speak to them like that?

You haven't stopped smoking though have you, you didn't smoke for a few hours whilst getting your hair done then threw a hissy fit at your partners perfectly reasonable behaviour and used that as an excuse to smoke and blame him for it.
Was the giving up smoking one of the most important decisions in your life? Really/

But you haven't stopped (yet)

If you could give up at the drop of a hat because you were pregnant I fail to see why you need to shell out £200 now to stop? Nicotine addiction doesn't just disappear because you've pissed on a stick.

Anyway, that aside do you not think his 'aggressive tone' was panic and sheer worry having seen his daughter laying limp on the kitchen floor after vomiting and having diorrhea?