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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to come home tonight...or ever for that matter!!!!!!

143 replies

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:29

Ok, here's why:

We have 2 DS's, DS1, 7 and DS2, 2.5. DS1 is Autistic and can be very hard work.

DH has no patience at all. He's very stressed at the moment as is in a job he hates, but is very well paid & would be hard pushed to find anything that pays as well for what he does. I know how horrible this can be as up until 4 weeks ago I was also in a job I hated. I now have a much better job that I love and am a much happier person since changing.

Anyway, DH & I bicker a lot over the way he talks to DS1 - generally a lot of shouting - but this morning he went too far imo.

DS1 is very awkward but this is all part and parcel of his condition. DH was getting him dressed this morning while I was sorting out DS2's breakfast. I could hear that DS1 was being a bit awkward and was faffing about while getting dressed, which caused DH to start losing his temper, this in turn caused DS1 to become even more awkward. The next thing I heard was DH saying "Come here now before I hurt you!". I flew out of the kitchen & asked DH what he thought gave him the right to talk to DS1 like that. His response was to shout at me......"Because I fucking hate him". I was Shock and Sad and burst into tears. I haven't spoken to him all day and don't want to, so AIBU in not wanting him to come home tonight and to be quite honest the way I feel at the moment I'd be happy if he never did?!!

(Sorry it's so long!!)

OP posts:
Tizwoz · 04/03/2011 17:30

Sounds like he's a bit of dick, frankly.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:32

Cheers Tizwoz, glad it's not just me that thinks that!!!

FWIW DS1 has been an angel for me since he got home from school today but I know everything will change the minute DH walks in!!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/03/2011 17:32

Im so gobsmacked he said that I really don't know what to say.

I'm really sorry that he said that thats appalling and certainly not the type of thing I would expect any father to say of their son.

Even said in the heat of the moment it was totally wrong.

I know he is work stressed but that's taking it too far.

You are going to have to consider the possibility that he will have to move jobs, it might be hard but if the job does this to his mood he is better off out of it.

Imnotaslimjim · 04/03/2011 17:35

Shock that unbelievable that he thinks he has the right to talk to the poor boy like that

YADNBU to ask him not to come home, I'd be furious if DH has spoken to either of our DC (or me) like that

I don't know how to advise you though. Do you think it was said in the heat of the moment, and he didn't really mean it? Or do you think it has built up over time and he does genuinely dislike DS1?

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:36

That's how I feel FabbyChic, I can't believe he said it either. TBH I don't think he's ever come to terms with DS1's diagnosis of ASD, and has never bothered to research the condition so has no idea how to deal with it.
I'm at the end of my tether.
The problem with his job is that there is absolutely no way we can afford for him to take something lower paid due to our financial commitments and sadly there is nothing around that will pay as well for the type of job he does.

OP posts:
pjmama · 04/03/2011 17:37

How awful, presumably your DS heard him too? That is absolutely unforgiveable. I have to say that I think that might be a deal breaker for me and certainly not something I could brush off as just having a bad day. Something is seriously festering there and he needs to deal with it. Would he go to counselling to talk about what's really going on in his head? Either way I wouldn't let this go, that remark has come from a very dark place that needs to be addressed.

FabbyChic · 04/03/2011 17:39

Would you rather he stays as stressed as he is? It's never a good thing to live up to the salary you get coming in if you do when that salary goes you are pooped.

If his job is doing this how can you even live with each other?

What if you split up? How would you cope then.

You need to have a serious talk to him and find out why he would even consider saying such a thing. It's pretty horrendous.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2011 17:40

Not diminishing that it was a terrible thing to say, your DH sounds as if he's at his wits end, caused by stress in his job. Perhaps his employer is putting staff under pressure to be in work at a certain time and this translates into stress in getting your DS1 ready. He doesn't hate his son, of course he doesn't.

Can you have a chat to your DH, without the kids being around, and just talk to him about his job and the possibility of him getting another one?

I do feel sorry for both of you, it's not easy when you have a child with special needs who doesn't understand or behave according to 'normal rules'.

As you say, it's miserable being trapped in a job you hate and if your DH is in this position perhaps that's why he's lashing out. Obviously this can't keep happening and perhaps if you and he can have a talk, he will feel that you at least understand and will support.

Don't make flippant comments about him not coming home, that's no help to you or the children. He's their father and they need him as much as they need you. If this were reversed, would your DH immediately say that he didn't want you to ocme home?

I hope you can get through this as a family and see the outburst for what it was.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:40

I'm really not sure Imnotaslimjim, sometimes he's lovely with him, but only when DS1 is having one his rare really good days, otherwise he has no patience with him.
Stressed or not, does not give him the right to think he can talk about DS1 like that, or cause such an atmosphere in the house on a regular basis.
He works a lot from home which doesn't help as we have nowhere for him to work except the table in the dining room which unfortunately in our house, is joined onto the living room and the kitchen, so he is disturbed a lot. I personally feel that if he spent more time away from home, like normal working hours, he would be able to handle the kids better as would be seeing them less frequently than he does now.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 04/03/2011 17:44

Not meaning to upset you, but there can be a genetic element to ASDs. Is it possible that there is a certain inflexibility of thought in your DH, and that he is simply unable to understand how your DS thinks?

Snuppeline · 04/03/2011 17:45

I think you should get a few books about ASD from the library, or out from the book shelves where you might be storing them. Put them in a weekend bag with a few spares of clothes for your dh and ask him to go somewhere this weekend for a good hard read and a long think. Tell him that he can't expect to be treated with respect and understanding by you if he doesn't research his sons condition so he can understand him and deal with him appropriately. Then tell him that you understand his work is crappy and that you're willing to discuss a change for him in that department but only if you see a change in his behaviour, starting with learning about his son's condition.

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 17:47

You are right, speaking to, or about him, like that is never right, but it does sound like your husband is at breaking point too. :(

It really doesnt sound like working from home is a good idea if there are constant interruptions. Is there any way he can rent a cheap office? That might ease the pressure, and they really can be very inexpensive to have.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:48

pjmama - Sadly, no, he wouldn't have counselling. He's not a great talker at the best of times. I just know that if I mentioned it to him he'd ignore me!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I have tried talking to him in the past, every time something happens which ends in him doing or saying something horrible, but he never feels that he was in the wrong and clams up not wanting to discuss it, so I end up feeling as if I am talking to myself and wasting my time. I wish he would talk about things!

FabbyChic - Sadly, that is the position we are in with money, we have a lot of debt, so we really cannot afford to lose money. I have just taken on a job doing almost double the hours I was doing previously to try to make ends meet.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/03/2011 17:51

YOu need to make workspace available for him to work at on his own uninterrupted. Do you have a spare bedroom you can put a desk in?

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:52

I would love to be able to do what Snuppeline suggests but he would never go for it. He is not prepared to give an inch and sadly has always been like this, he's just worse when he's stressed!

purplepidjin - No I don't think thats the case at all. I just think he's a stubborn shit who cannot hold his temper and doesn't cope well with stress.

squeakytoy - We have had this conversation before about him working from home & I have tried to explain why it is not a good idea and why he should go to his company's office to work, but sadly he sees it as a "perk of the job" being able to get home in the middle of the day and then spend all afternnon sitting at the dining room table working.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2011 17:54

OP... If your DH is working from home, who is doing the childcare? I work from home partially and it's difficult if you don't have an environment to actually work in.

Is this something that could be remedied, maybe? If your DH can actually get on with his work and finish it, maybe he'll be less stressed and can actually interract with his children.

I'm not sticking up for him, I've just read what you've posted and you're in a tough situation. Any little changes that can be made might make a bit of positive difference to your lives and your relationship together and with the children.

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 17:55

Well its not a perk if he cant get any work done, and is ending up in a strop that he takes out on the rest of you. :(

I do feel for you, especially if he is being stubborn and has other options but is unwilling to take them.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:55

FabbyChic - No, we don't have anywhere else he can work. He has a perfectly good office he could work from but he prefers to work from home!! Basically, he is a surveyor, so is out in the mornings doing his surveys, then comes home to write them up in the afternoons. He can be home anytime from 12.30pm onwards really. Just so happens that today is a busy day so he won't be home until around 6-6.30pm. I would like it if it was like this everyday as would give DS1 more stability and routine if we both had jobs where we get in around the same time each day.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:56

My mum has DS2 while I'm at work 10am-3pm and DS2 is at school until 3pm so they are around when DH is home, there is nothing I can do about that.

OP posts:
cheekeymonkey · 04/03/2011 18:02

I bet he feels terrible, See what happens when he gets back. He has some serious making up to do.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 18:03

I'll keep you updated!! I'm dreading him coming back & upsetting what has been a happy house this afternoon!
Hopefully the kids'll be in bed before he gets home.

OP posts:
Branno · 04/03/2011 18:04

ChunkyMonkeysMum, DH is cornered. He hates his job, his darling boy is autistic. He cannot change his job cause you need the money it brings in. You got a break recently in the new job and you know what? He probably hates his life at the moment. And it came out all wrong, at the wrong time, in the wrong way and I bet he really wishes he had never expressed himself like that. So for your sake, for his sake and the sake of the family let him of the hook this one time. Try not to focus on what he said but on the why. And both men and women have to be allowed to say - this is shit and I resent it". And it shit at the mo' for him.

On the other hand for you to hear that said about the most vulnerable in the house is unbelievably hard and unbelievably hurtful. And while not in any way endorsing what your DH said you, as the strong one at the moment could decide to become the facilitator between the two troubled people.

Itsjustafleshwound · 04/03/2011 18:05

I am sorry to go against the grain - what he said was totally unacceptable but ..

a) if you heard that it was going to kick off or was kicking off in the other room, why didn't you go in and intervene??

b) have you really listened to him about his job?? What does he do to unwind and let off steam??

I isn't anybody's fault and behaving like sulky teenagers is not helping your mood. You need to get practical - have you given him coping techniques or suggestions as to what you do when DS 'goes into one'??

I don't mean to be harsh, it is a difficult situation and sometimes it might mean treating him better than he deserves ...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2011 18:05

ChunkyMonkeysMum... If he hates his job, I can quite understand why he feels that being able to work away from the office is a perk.

Who looks after DS1 and DS2 after 3pm? It's not fair for DH to be expected to work and look after or supervise the boys and, if he were at work, he wouldn't be able to at all. Can you do something with the boys from 3pm till whatever time DH finishes what he needs to do?

Is there some kind of family evening that you can plan for the evening that DH works from home, something you can all look forward to?

Can you downsize? Is that possibly an option for you?

FauxFox · 04/03/2011 18:06

That is a dreadful thing to say! Did your DS hear him? What did he make of it? Did he understand the significance? My DS has ASD and would not understand but if DH ever spoke to him like that he would be out the door until he made a serious effort to understand ASD and grow the fuck up!

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