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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to come home tonight...or ever for that matter!!!!!!

143 replies

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:29

Ok, here's why:

We have 2 DS's, DS1, 7 and DS2, 2.5. DS1 is Autistic and can be very hard work.

DH has no patience at all. He's very stressed at the moment as is in a job he hates, but is very well paid & would be hard pushed to find anything that pays as well for what he does. I know how horrible this can be as up until 4 weeks ago I was also in a job I hated. I now have a much better job that I love and am a much happier person since changing.

Anyway, DH & I bicker a lot over the way he talks to DS1 - generally a lot of shouting - but this morning he went too far imo.

DS1 is very awkward but this is all part and parcel of his condition. DH was getting him dressed this morning while I was sorting out DS2's breakfast. I could hear that DS1 was being a bit awkward and was faffing about while getting dressed, which caused DH to start losing his temper, this in turn caused DS1 to become even more awkward. The next thing I heard was DH saying "Come here now before I hurt you!". I flew out of the kitchen & asked DH what he thought gave him the right to talk to DS1 like that. His response was to shout at me......"Because I fucking hate him". I was Shock and Sad and burst into tears. I haven't spoken to him all day and don't want to, so AIBU in not wanting him to come home tonight and to be quite honest the way I feel at the moment I'd be happy if he never did?!!

(Sorry it's so long!!)

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 04/03/2011 18:07

Would your DH attend a support group or workshop for parents of autistic children?. Are you in touch with the autistic society or local support groups. They can usually recomend a reading list.
If your husband is starting to threaten your son, and children with autism take things literally, then you need to insist he talks about it. Because it does sound like his behaviour towards him is becoming worse. Even shouting at an autistic child is not good. Your husband needs to take on board how to interact and disipline a child with sn.

FourFortyFour · 04/03/2011 18:09

YANBU.

While your husband is probably at breaking point it is totally not on for him to say what he did. I have no real understanding of autism but would your son have understood what your husband was saying?

I would be tempted to get the children into bed a bit earlier so you have some time alone before he comes home and then take your cue from him when he gets in. Don't make any snap decisions now.

pigletmania · 04/03/2011 18:13

Yes what he said was bad, but also you have to see it from his position to, he is stressed in a job he hates, like you said he has never come to terms with ds diagnosis, and therefore finding it difficult to cope, up to now he has been a great father. We are only human at the end of the day and have different breaking points. Mabey you both need professional help to see you through this, espcially your dh, mabey contact a support group.

Katey1010 · 04/03/2011 18:13

I haven't read the whole thread Blush but wanted to say that this may well be a lot to do with the fact that he doesn't understand ASD. I have worked with families where there is ASD and once people REALLY internalise the fact that their relative cannot empathise in the same way things can improve. (D)H needs to understand that DS does not get that his behaviour is annoying/hurtful/scary. Is DH on the spectrum at all? Two people in the house who find it hard to empathise may be an issue as well.

saffy85 · 04/03/2011 18:17

YANBU to be shocked and upset and imo your DH owes you and your DS a massive apology as it was very hurtful what he said.

However I can understand your DH lashing out, he sounds frustrated and very fed up with stuff. It's no excuse to shout what he did at his own child, but think that everyone has had times where they have just had enough and it's all getting too much, I know I definately have.

He took it out on the wrong person and he really needs to apologise, properly and mean it. If he's been very stressed out recently is it worth a trip to the GP, assuming he would go?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/03/2011 18:28

If (as your posts imply) you have made various suggestions to improve things for your H and he has rejected every one of them, in some way he is getting something out of his unpleasant behaviour. He is giving himself permission to be nasty because his life is SO Hard. So I think it would be reasonable to say to him that you are not prepared to carry on like this: what changes is he prepared to make, what does he think will help him be less angry? And if he doesn't come up with any constructive suggestions, tell him that he should leave for a while. Because it's not acceptable for him to bully your son.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 18:52

Thank you everyone for your comments.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I look after the kids after 3pm. I said in a previous post that I work 10am-3pm and my Mum has DS2 whilst I am at work. After 3pm I am at home with both the boys, so DH is not expected to look after either of them, but I cannot be expected to take them both out everyday from 3pm til he finishes at 6-7pm just so he can work in peace! For one, I cannot afford to take them both out every day, secondly I have also been at work for 5 hours so do not always want to go out in the afternoon when there are things that need to be done at home, and thirdly, he could actually go and work at his office instead of at home!!

Itsjustafleshwound - This all happened so quickly that I didn;t get a chance to intervene. It is quite usual in our house for DS1 to be being awkward, and I cannot intervene every time! Also, it would then cause a row between me & DH which is not good for the kids to see, so what am I meant to do?
Yes, I have listened to him about his job, numerous times. I just wish he might listen to me once in a while!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 18:54

"That is a dreadful thing to say! Did your DS hear him? What did he make of it? Did he understand the significance? My DS has ASD and would not understand but if DH ever spoke to him like that he would be out the door until he made a serious effort to understand ASD and grow the fuck up!" - Well said FauxFox, I couldn't have put it better myself!! Yes DS did hear him, but doesn't understand. He does however, repeat a lot of what he hears & I'd be mortified if this was to be repeated at school!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 18:55

saffy85 - I have mentioned to him about seeing a doctor as I think he may be depressed. I have suffered depression myself & know how awful it is, and I can see signs in him, but he is one of these people who sweeps things under the carpet in the hope that they'll go away. Sad

OP posts:
FauxFox · 04/03/2011 18:56

I hope you get through to him chunky Sad I'm afraid I can only see his behaviour towards your DS getting worse unless you make a stand now Sad

Good luck x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2011 19:01

ChunkyMonkeysMum... Yes, I got that you were working until 3pm, what I didn't understand was why, if you are looking after them from 3pm onwards that DH is disrupted by them?

Walks to the park, playing in their rooms with them, watching DVDs, cooking with them, none of these things cost any money. I know that you have stuff to do at home when you get home, we all do, but your DH is still at work till 6 or 7pm, you aren't and your chores are flexible whilst his aren't.

I'm just wondering at what point you and your DH will have a serious discussion about your future as you're at a crossroads; none of the options are easy but some decisions have to be made by both of you.

I'll leave it now as I'm repeating myself. Good luck with it all.

FabbyChic · 04/03/2011 19:05

YOu want him to earn the money but you don't give him a space to work in.

You say you cannot live without his wage, you say he is stressed but there is no give from you at all.

I'm sorry to be mean but something has to give for the sake of your chidlren and your marriage.

Keep the kids out of his way or find a workspace he can work in, even if you move a wardrobe out of your bedroom and move a desk in.

YOu want things to change but are unwillingly to do anything to change them but cannot live without his wage, do you want him to have a heart attack and not be able to work at all?

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:06

He is disrupted by them because, like I said, he sits at our dining table to work. Our dining room is attached to our living room and kitchen so whatever we do he is disrupted.

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 04/03/2011 19:09

Your poor husband sounds stressed to the hilt, I think he needs to re- think his job if it is making him unhappy, it just sounds like he has too much to deal with and it came out this morning

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:11

FabbyChic - I hardly think that's fair!!!!
I DON'T have the space for him to work in - he has an office he could go to but CHOOSES to work from home!!
WE cannot live without his wage, not just me, and I work bloody hard too. It is not me saying that he cannot find another job, it is US knowing he cannot get another job that is as well paid as his and US not being able to afford for him to take a lower paid job, even if he found one!
We have fitted wardrobes and a bed in our room - there is nowhere for a desk! And like I said before, he CHOOSES to work from home when he doesn't HAVE to.
The job I was doing before meant that he DID have to look after the kids 3 evenings a week because I HAD to work. I CHANGED MY JOB so that I only work school hours, to make life easier for HIM so that I am home to look after them whilst he is working and it is STILL not good enough..........I'm not fucking superwoman!!!!

OP posts:
Ormirian · 04/03/2011 19:12

Oh I am usually prepared to give a lot of leeway to working parents stressed to the hilt, but that is seriously bad.

I'd struggle to forgive him too unless he was very very sorry and made an effort to change.

TaffyandTeenyTaffy · 04/03/2011 19:12

Stress is a horrible thing - and should in no way excuse what your (D)H has said and done. Is there any way that your husband could request a change/move of any kind in his job. My husband is a manager and has recently moved to a different depot. Same job, similar pressures but change of people he is working with and a bit of a fresh start. He is like a different person....just a thought.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:13

And FYI I used to work from home, 20 hours a week, which I had to do whilst the kids were at home because HE wasn't here to look after them and DIDN'T look after whilst I worked!!

OP posts:
Ormirian · 04/03/2011 19:13

" he CHOOSES to work from home when he doesn't HAVE to.
"

??? Now that is odd. I work from home but only when the children are at school (or most of them). I hate working from home when I have all 3 of them. He's is being an arse. Unforgivable to say that to a child.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:15

Unfortunately not Taffy. That is part of the problem. His company are full of empty promises, always have been. They recently told him that they wanted him to consider a role in the office, which was a managerial role, but they weren't prepared to pay him any more, even wanting him to pay £75 a month himself to be able to park, therefore leaving him worse off every month!! Then they decided that they weren't going to bother with that role and just leave things as they are.

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 04/03/2011 19:16

I hope you can come to some mutually agreed arrangement and find an adult way out of this blame game you seem to be playing with each other. What he said to his son is wholly unacceptable. Perhaps you are listening, but not to the real issue - it could be more than just a dislike for work ...

I wish you all the best.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:17

Thank you Ormirian. I posted this just wanting to know if I was being unreasonable for feeling angry enough to not want him to come home after what he said about our son, and sadly some posters have felt the need to tear ME apart!!
As if I wasn't feeling bad enough.....Sad

OP posts:
Ormirian · 04/03/2011 19:19

I don't know if yabu, but I can tell you I'd feel the same way.

Hope he is sorry and see how epic the mistake was.

bibbitybobbityhat · 04/03/2011 19:19

Chunky: that would be a deal breaker for me, I agree. I quite understand your torment.
How horrible! What a terrible thing to say about your own child.

oggybags · 04/03/2011 19:19

could you get some respite care for your son for a weekend to have some you both time, other son to parents. he possibly needs a small break away from everything - you both do. ive seen the benefits just 1 day can give , good luck

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