To not want DH to come home tonight...or ever for that matter!!!!!!

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

Ok, here's why:

We have 2 DS's, DS1, 7 and DS2, 2.5. DS1 is Autistic and can be very hard work.

DH has no patience at all. He's very stressed at the moment as is in a job he hates, but is very well paid & would be hard pushed to find anything that pays as well for what he does. I know how horrible this can be as up until 4 weeks ago I was also in a job I hated. I now have a much better job that I love and am a much happier person since changing.

Anyway, DH & I bicker a lot over the way he talks to DS1 - generally a lot of shouting - but this morning he went too far imo.

DS1 is very awkward but this is all part and parcel of his condition. DH was getting him dressed this morning while I was sorting out DS2's breakfast. I could hear that DS1 was being a bit awkward and was faffing about while getting dressed, which caused DH to start losing his temper, this in turn caused DS1 to become even more awkward. The next thing I heard was DH saying "Come here now before I hurt you!". I flew out of the kitchen & asked DH what he thought gave him the right to talk to DS1 like that. His response was to shout at me......"Because I fucking hate him". I was and and burst into tears. I haven't spoken to him all day and don't want to, so AIBU in not wanting him to come home tonight and to be quite honest the way I feel at the moment I'd be happy if he never did?!!

(Sorry it's so long!!)

Ormirian - That is what DH is on as well. Honestly, it took DH a bit to realise that he was being unreasonable and needed help and refused to see GP. But as soon as he realised it, he called for an emergency/same day appointment with GP. It sometimes takes a bit longer for the penny to drop for some than others.

And where children are concerned, there comes a point, or did in my marriage, where H's refusal to accept help, responsibility for his actions and behaviour was so seriously impacting on DS's own MH and self esteem that a split was the answer. We had been through years of all sorts of levels of hell before the very painful decision not give him any more chances was made.

I agree with the point about marriages not being disposable and supporting partners with MH issues, but for how long before the damage to other individuals starts to be really counter productive.

To this day the DC's Dad admits he has things in his head and depression issues that he refuses to deal with and blames me for not 'letting him back'.

It sounds like Chunky's DH does realise that there are massive problems but is still refusing to tackle them ,and they don't just go away. We are beholden to our children to check ourselves and how we are affecting them.
And I say that as someone who has suffered very badly from depression.

Maybe shaking him up will make the OP's DH understand the extent of how bad things are for all of them.
It isn't fair for one person to crack because the other wants to bury their head in the sand.

Having a job which you loathe, but which you know you can't leave because of financial pressures is a truly horrible situation to be in. Being the main wageearner is a huge responsibility, knowing that the stability of your family is dependant on you. I have had jobs I hated so much I would cry every night at the thought of going in, and then spend 8 hours in the office hating every single second. It sounds to me as though the only way that the Op's husband can cope with his job is by minimising his time in the office (I've been there and done that, would visit as many clients as possible to ensure I was hardly ever there..). I know for me being out of the office didn't make me hate my job less, didn't make me happy, but it kept it just the right side of bearable.

Telling him to work at the office is not the answer, clearly. He obviously wants/needs to be at home. There needs to be a way of accomodating that and giving him some peace to work in - if he's not able to keep up with his work due to disturbance at home, that will add to his stresses and worries about his job. I know there have been suggestions made which you have rebutted in terms of creating a quiet area for him to work in, but I do think something needs to be done, to give him a room with a door where he can shut himself away and work quietly.

I also believe he is depressed - or he is certainly on the road towards it. When you have that black cloud around you everything seems so bleak, and solutions impossible. You need to work with him to try and find a way through this because if he doesn't, I would imagine ultimately he will lose his job (if/when the quality of his work starts to slip) and that will obviously worsen the financial situation. I agree he does need to see his GP but this may take some persuading - if he sees it as his job is the problem, and that cant change, he probably sees no point in seeing the GP, because they cant change his situation, iyswim.

Mittzy - no, I completely understand that - there has to be a limit. But only the OP can decide where that limit is.

I guess I just despise seeing the flood of "OMG leave him" comments that inevitably surface on these types of threads. It just makes me think that marriage has become so disposable that nobody is willing to even attempt to work through things. You can't tell me that some of these women have never been cross to their children or irritable or done something they're not proud of in a moment of sheer exhaustion. Because let's be realistic, raising kids is difficult and sometimes messy work. It's exhausting and sometimes we all get overwhelmed.

For what it's worth, DH & I agreed years ago (right after I put off for quite some time going in to be seen by GP and then had to have an emergency appendectomy whilst pregnant) that if one of us felt the other needed to see the GP, we would go without question. It sounds silly, but it has avoided numerous arguments since then. And it was when I finally reminded DH of this agreement that he stopped and listened to me and realised that he did really need help as it was a firm agreement that we'd always honoured.

He seems to be in clear denial about your sons ASD until he resolves this issue its not going to get better, hes blaming your son for being the way he is as if he has control over the way he is-as you know he cant help his condition or the way it makes him behave.

Its no wonder he gets stressed about the way your son is as it seems he thinks hes doing things on purpose.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

He needs to get his head out of the sand and face up to your sons diagnosis. try to understand it.

Hes wallowing in his own self induced misery and you are being forced to carry him as a parent.

Hatesponge - I think we all understand how bloody terrible it is to be working a job you hate, in an office that makes you want to scream or cry... but he has other options - he could go into DC1's bedroom, he could go to his MIL's, he could go to a starbucks - he does not have to sit at the dining room/kitchen table making everyone else's life bloody difficult.

Triggles I do agree with you, marriage is sometimes seen as pretty 'disposable' on here - but likewise sometimes (on here) women are putting up with far too much for far too long :( (not saying this OP is, just in general).

I don't have any problem with parents 'blowing up' or losing their temper - even with kids with SN - we're all human, what I take issue with is him saying he hates his son - to me that totally crosses a line and unless he was prepared to get some help he could fuck off.

Agree with Amber and as I said earlier, I'd be packing him off to do some thinking & reading. He needs a fast dose of 'grow the fuck up'.

Agrees with Hatesponge... I too have been there and it isn't a question of OP's DH being difficult (I don't believe so, anyway), he probably counts the hours and minutes at the office and looks forward to some respite of working at home for the time that he can.

It's only three or four hours (3pm till 6 or 7pm)... is there no way that the children can be occupied quietly for that one day per week? It might make the world of difference to the husband's attitude.

Agree also that this sounds like depression or on the way... he should see his GP asap.

Yes, many of us have been there. In terms of the god-awful job that I had to stay in because I was the main earner, and the depression. And I for one have already admitted I was a total bitch. But I did something about the depression and made things better for everyone. THis man does not have the option of doing nothing! He is behaving like a poisonous twat and making his family unhappy - and refusing to acknowledge any blame.

I repeat what I said earlier, if this man was being abusive to his wife there wouldn't be these excuses made for him. WHy are there when he's doing it to a vulnerable child?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I don't know where you've got the idea from that its 1 day a week that he works from home, it's 6 days a week!!! I cannot possibly try to keep the kids occupied quietly for 3 hours a day, 6 days a week after having worked all morning myself (by the way, have you ever tried to keep a child with ASD quiet and peaceful for that long?!?!?)
fartblossom - I have constantly been thanking people for their comments on this thread, not throwing things back in their faces! I have merely tried explaining why their suggestions would not work for us. I don't know how many times i have tried to explain that he does not have to work from home and if he continues to choose to, he could shut himself away in DS1's bedroom where there is a desk.
Also, just to clarify things, he never works at his office so it is not a case of not wanting to stay there, he is a surveyor so is out on the road in the mornings then comes home in the afternoon to write his surveys up.

Also I have come to my mums tonight with the DC's to give him time to think, not that I think it will do much good.

I'd just like to yet again thank everyone for their comments.

ChunkyMonkeysMum... Sorry for that, I've obviously misread it - 6 days is a lot. I don't know why I thought it was just one.

Just a suggestion... do you think there's any benefit in showing him your posts on this thread? Perhaps he's one of those people who doesn't 'get it' when it's verbally communicated? There has to be something he can do to help; perhaps he's so used to seeing you cope that he sort of takes a back seat.

One more question... as he does surveys, could he perhaps do the surveys in the afternoons and do the write-ups in the mornings when you're at work at the children are at school/at your Mums? Would his boss agree or is it not feasible at all?

Are there any that you've considered? Has your DH said why he won't work in your DS1's room? That would really have been ideal.

You do sound at the end of your tether as well and it can't be easy. I just don't know what options are possible for you.

I think it was mentioned earlier in the thread, but the fact that your husband claims to NEVER be in the wrong, and is NEVER able to compromise, and CANNOT see why his actions or what he says is hurtful or impacts on anyone else DOES suggest he may be on the Autism spectrum himself....
Google and read about what it's like being married to someone with aspergers, and it might start to ring bells with you.
Autism is a VERY wide spectrum, and making decisions like working from home when it is OBVIOUSLY not a good idea does smack of aspergers to me. Just have a read about aspergers marriages before you dismiss the notion out of hand. And of course as we know there is a very strong hereditary aspect to the condition..

I had considered showing him these posts but think that may add fuel to the fire IYKWIM?

Unfortunately it is not feasible for him to his surveys in the afternoons as he often has to travel quite a way into London and regularly has to meet people on site. Also he has a 24 hour turn around on his surveys so wouldn't get enough done in the mornings as he starts at 8am and if he was working at home from this time of the morning it would be chaos due to me getting ready for work & getting the DC's ready for school & mums house. Would be great if he could do that but sadly it's not an option.

The reason why he won't work in DS1's room is because DS1 is going through a horrible phase at the moment of peeing in his room so despite me constantly cleaning it up, febreezing, and having air freshners in there, it does often resemble the smell of a public toilet!

crytonite - I will look into this, although he would never accept it even if I told him this may be the case! He's never really accepted DS1's condition, let alone the prospect that he may also be on the spectrum.

men are selfish pigs and cannot empathise with their wives in many situations, I feel for you, this is very sad, but typical.

Triggles: 'working on a marriage' is almost always a euphemism for 'Women! Eat shit and know your place!' There is almost no social pressure on men to adapt or improve their behaviour when a relationship is going wrong, but women are constantly being told to 'give him a chance/maybe it's your fault' and there are endless threads from women asking for ways to accept horrible abuse because breaking up a family is so 'terrible'.

i wouldn't want him around my child until he sought help for his problems. his behaviour at the moment sounds very emotionally abusive.

If he does not want to work at home or at the office how about a library or a cafe? Although I still feel his work issues are secondary to his lack of understanding and attitude towards DS1 which is the real problem here

OP - This must be so horrible for you (to state the obvious). I really feel for you. I think you did the right thing getting away for the night.

Triggles and Hatesponge have it spot on here. The problem is that the further away your DH gets from looking at himself and his issues, the harder it will be for him to do so and the darker his world will become. You're both under a huge amount of presuure and something has to happen to release some of that.

Good luck with everything.

I think if he does have some ASD like traits it could explain his reluctance to accept them in his son. To accept there is something "wrong" with your DS means accepting that within himself too. It could also explain why he is depressed. I think that is very common in undiagnosed adults.

I'm not sure any of that helps you with a solution though. If he can't or won't accept that he needs to address his problems himself then I really don't know what you can do.

Talking from the other side of the fence, having been in a job that I loathed and loved with equal measure, and that demanded a lot of my time - ask hubby to do a cost/benefit on what he is currently doing, and take a close look at the family finances.

At the moment he's feeling pressure 4 ways
1/ Job - anything to do with the construction industry and you'll have to be exceptional every day to keep your job..
2/ DS
3/ family commitment/support
4/ HIMSELF - under estimate this one at your peril

We as a family decided that camping gave us a better holiday experience, and worked around switching supermarkets (which to date is saving us 25% of our old food bill per week), and clothes budgets - doing so opened up options, take a critical look at the 'cant do withouts' - see if there is some room to wriggle, especially if there is some stuff you can do yourselves.

This enabled the family to take some of the financial pressure off me - in ways that we could easily manage.

I would look into some workspace for him that isn't the dining table - small 'cabins' and plans are available.

tinyhouseblog.com/

for some ideas

When I was in a similar situation my world became polarised - into love and hate - and I hated anything that I needed to think about, or placed further dependancies on me, or was difficult and unpredictable. Quite often my DW would have 'dealt' with issues so that my DS's wouldn't take the sharp end of my tongue. As a team, we decided that there would be occasions where I would walk away from a situation, and simply say 'don't know', and she would pick things up.

The fact that he wants to be home with his family speaks volumes. he loves you all, and is completely unable to express it, excpet for this action.

If there is a way for you to be able to step back a little, so to give him some headspace, (beware the gentle reminders will aggravate greatly at this time!), then try to - as that is what he will need to be able to think straight, and do throw ideas in, to stimulate thinking about possibilities.

Most of all, keep the communications open, and try to make some precious 'you together' time.

I can say, been there, done that, and wouldn't go back if you paid me a million (well I might think about it for a moment, but the answer would still be no).

Oh, and after resigning my position after it all became totally unbearable, I am still decompressing - and thats 13 months ago.

Oh and talk to him about how he would feel if he 'lost' his job - this much internal pressure will be affecting his work performance, and could bring about that doomsday scenario, and he will not understand why, as in his eyes he will have been giving it everything and more - a surefire way to demolish self esteem.

I am the story of 'you too can get through this' - I have a smart and lovely DW, and a loving family to thank for that !

U

Thank you everybody! And thank you especially to ursusnix, it's great to get a man's perspective of things and to know you have "been there, done that".
I fully intend to try to get him to sit down and talk to me tonight when the DS's are in bed and hope we can try to start sorting through our problems. Something has to change.

SwingOutSister - you are talking bollocks. Not all men are selfish pigs.

ChunyMonkeysMum... Reading your earlier post, if your DS1's room smells so strongly of urine, in spite of the cleansing, I'm not really surprised that your DH doesn't want to work in it. It's not really an option at all.

what help are you getting for DS1?
eg respite , in the home for example etc

if you doing everything then it's hard to deal with another person's issues as well -when that person is supposed to tbe the partner/other responsible parent/support.

i dntthink anyone is saying "leave him now" - but there are steps to take - and you can set those out - if he takes no responsibility for his actions no remorse for what ahpened, refuses to see GP etc - then somethign drastic has to happen.