To not want DH to come home tonight...or ever for that matter!!!!!!

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

Ok, here's why:

We have 2 DS's, DS1, 7 and DS2, 2.5. DS1 is Autistic and can be very hard work.

DH has no patience at all. He's very stressed at the moment as is in a job he hates, but is very well paid & would be hard pushed to find anything that pays as well for what he does. I know how horrible this can be as up until 4 weeks ago I was also in a job I hated. I now have a much better job that I love and am a much happier person since changing.

Anyway, DH & I bicker a lot over the way he talks to DS1 - generally a lot of shouting - but this morning he went too far imo.

DS1 is very awkward but this is all part and parcel of his condition. DH was getting him dressed this morning while I was sorting out DS2's breakfast. I could hear that DS1 was being a bit awkward and was faffing about while getting dressed, which caused DH to start losing his temper, this in turn caused DS1 to become even more awkward. The next thing I heard was DH saying "Come here now before I hurt you!". I flew out of the kitchen & asked DH what he thought gave him the right to talk to DS1 like that. His response was to shout at me......"Because I fucking hate him". I was and and burst into tears. I haven't spoken to him all day and don't want to, so AIBU in not wanting him to come home tonight and to be quite honest the way I feel at the moment I'd be happy if he never did?!!

(Sorry it's so long!!)

chunky did you speak to him? Definately would not put up with his attitude to you or ds. He could compromise by working at your mums or even in ds1's room he is bvu

If you are shocked and angry, that must mean this behaviour is our of character for him. In which case, I would imagine he feels very, very bad about it (and he should). Maybe this will make him realise that he has to a) find ways of dealing with his stress better or b) make some big changes to his life - like move jobs. The latter is of couse much easier saud than done, especially at the moment. Could there be someone he could talk to at work?

If you were in ear-shot, maybe he was venting his stress/pressures at you, because he feels you are in a better 'place' to cope? Maybe seeing you more calm and happy is making him realise how stressed and unhappy he is. Perhaps your job change is mixed up in there - to get the same relief as you, he knows he is going to either have to bite the bullet and move or fight to improve things for himself at work.

YANBU to feel the way you do. Any loving mother would feel the same. It was a totally disgraceful, aggressive, hurtful loss of self -control infront of a child - but I would bet he has come to that conclusion himself. Maybe it will be a turning point.

I think there must be lots of stressed mums and dads trapped in pressured jobs at the moment. I hop things get better. x x x

Fwiw the 'come here now before I hurt you' isn't such a big deal as far as I am concerned. I have often said it to both of our boys when trying to get them dressed / to do something else they don't want to like get into a car seat etc. It isn't a threat, so not 'come here before I hit you for being naughty' but more of a 'if I have to force you to get dressed then that might hurt'.

Of course only you know if this is what he meant - if it was not like this then that is obviously another matter.

As far as the 'I hate him' comment goes that is awful. However like others say if this is out of character I don't think it is a sacking offence on its own. I agree with other posters that you need to talk to your dh as to how you can BOTH help each other here. He sounds absolutely at the end of his tether. Not saying you are not stressed either but you sound as though you cope well with both boys (and 2 boys is hard work without ASD) and have a job you enjoy which WILL make it easier. If him working at home is making things difficult then maybe come to a compromise - for eg he works at home 3 days a week and you take the boys out until 5 / 5.30 (teatime ish). When you get in he stops work and helps with the boys. On the other 2 days he works at the office and can stay as late as he needs to make up for the early finish on the other days. Could that work?

I also think it didn't help that you both sat in silence last night. I would have felt pretty hacked off that he didn't bring it up either but I also think you need to be a bit more proactive here and try and talk to him - not just sit there in seething resentment. You don't know what is in his head unless you talk to him and if you don't talk to him you will not be able to assess whether there is anything you can do together to make it work or whether the thoughts behind what he said make the whole thing unforgivable. If you don't talk about things like this then ultimately your marriage isn't going to survive is it because if you grow apart through this stress and not together then things are doomed aren't they?

I did try to talke to him last night & he said he disn't to "get involved". I asked what he meant as he was involved and he said it would end in a row between us so he couldn't be bothered!
As for trying to compromise with him about the working from home thing, I really have tried....he has been offered my mums house, DS1's bedroom, his office yet he doesn't want to use any of those. Why should I then be expected to take the kids out when I've also had a busy day but need to be preparing dinner etc?
As for the financial thing, fittodrop - You know nothing about our financial situation, it is not a case of me putting that first, or me not being able to live without HIS money - I make my own money for Christs sake - but the fact that OUR money goes into a joint account and after our bills and debts are paid we have less than £300 a month to live on!!! We owe my parents money as well as quite a few loans, some of which are in my name, totalling a massive amount, so there is no way I can get out as I'd be liable for a lot of this debt as it is in my name and I could not afford to pay it on my own.
There is no question of downsizing as we rent our property and would only save abbout £100 a month by downsizing as we have been here 7 years & pay much less rent than the property is worth.
I'm stuck......living with a man who is miserable & horrible to my son, no money to get out and build a better life for my kids. What am I supposed to do?

*talk
*about

Sorry, typing too quickly!

I haven't read all the posts but my initial thought was that he isn't coping with your sons condition and said what he did out of frustration. (sorry if this has already been decided to be bollocks)

chunky could you talk to the CAB/bank/benefits advice/solicitor for some advice? I'm not sure about the financial ins and outs but it makes sense to get as much info as you can as you really do not want to be "stuck" in the situation. Your DH really needs to man up and face his life! "Doesn't want to get involved"??? WTF??? He is deliberately sabotaging his work by not going to do it in the office and making it your fault it is not going well, this is a red herring in any case as the issue is that you have a son with ASD and he doesn't want to deal with it emotionally or physically which is not on. Obviously it's more difficult with a SEN child but it's part of being a parent - you can't just decide to ignore it!! You need to have a serious talk with him and get this out in the open. I really feel for you chunky I can't imagine what it must be like to have the person who should be supporting you, your partner, behave in this pathetic and annoying way. Never mind his stress - his behaviour must be putting your stress level through the roof

Please don't let him sweep this under the carpet. Find out all the info you can about what your rights/entitlements are and be prepared to do this hopefully with him if he sorts his attitude out, but perhaps without him if he can't/won't.

Good luck and an unMNetty < hug >

x

Thank you.

I'm now sitting here is tears as he has just got up, still in a bad mood. He hasn't even spoken to the kids!

I just asked him if he was perpared to talk about it, he says there is nothing to talk about. I told him that I think he might be depressed and needs to see a Doctor and he said he's not ill and he's not seeing a fucking doctor.

I'm going to take the kids to see his mum today and I think I might take them and stay over with my mum tonight, see if it gives him time to think about what he wants to do.

He isn't coping soloovely but neither is he making an effort to deal with anything. The son is 7. He has had years to try to come to terms with it and learn about what it means.Avoiding the issue is what has caused him to end up so frustrated as his expectations are too high and he doesn't understand that the son's behaviour that annoys him is part of having ASD - there are ways to shape behaviour and encourage to good etc but shouting and threats are not going to help at all!

He isn't coping soloovely but neither is he making an effort to deal with anything. The son is 7. He has had years to try to come to terms with it and learn about what it means.Avoiding the issue is what has caused him to end up so frustrated as his expectations are too high and he doesn't understand that the son's behaviour that annoys him is part of having ASD - there are ways to shape behaviour and encourage to good etc but shouting and threats are not going to help at all!

I have read this thread and really dont understand what you want from this thread.

Everytime someone makes a suggestion you just throw it back in their face. Please can you listen to what is being said and help yourself. You are not going to get anywhere if you keep going the way you are, but nothing is working with him so you NEED to be harsh.

Yes you owe a lot of money, but so do a lot of people, myself included. Have you thought about going to national debt helpline or another IVF company. Only go to a free one as most just want to take your money but not help you. You will end up paying one company who will work out your debts for you. This could turn out to be a lot less then you are paying now.

What would happen if DH lost his job, or what if he said right Im off and leave you. Both of these would be out of your control, but then what would you do? What would happen if the home you lived in suddenly wasnt available, say the owners decided to sell up and you HAD to move out?

Im sorry, but everytime someone makes a suggestion you find a reason why you cant do this. You NEED to do something NOW. Its only going to get worse. If DH wont help himself then there is really nothing you can do for him. I would just take on the responsibilty for the children myself (you work round their school hours so are there when you need to be) and leave DH to do his own moping about. A lot of people have hard lives and its harder for those around, but if you want advice you need to listen to the advice and take it, not just throw it back in anyones face. Everyone is trying to help you.

Good luck with whatever happens.

Sorry double post.

I hope he comes through for you chunky but I suspect it will be out-of-sight-out-of-mind if his past behaviour is anything to go by

*sorry not IVF I meant one of those 5 year plans where you pay off all your debts to one company, cant remember what they are called.

Why is he so unwilling to read up on ASD? If it were me I'd be reading everything I could.

My oldest child is a tricky one sometimes (no SN just tricky) and I'm always trying to find (usually on here) better ways of dealing with difficult situations.

Does he accept the diagnosis?

JUst seen this. Feel so sad for you and you DS1.

Regardless of what happens with you and your husband, your DS hear his Dad say he hates him. No matter how hard he works to be kind and loving towards your DS, your DS will NEVER forget those words. He may not say much about it, but once things have been said they can't be unsaid.

Your husband should be absolutely ashamed of himself. What he did was abusive. People get angry, and especiually when under stress about other things, but to say you hate a child, any child is unfirgivable in my opinion.

Hugs to you and you 2 DS

I just want to say how sorry I am Chunky that you are going through this as I have been through very similar, and although I don't know much about your DS, I would guess that he is very much aware of his Dad's feelings towards him and it will impact massively on his wellbeing.

I think your choices are all very very difficult and right now I actually understand why the suggestions being put forward just seem overwhelming because I guess in your head you want things to change for the better without having to work really hard at doing so because at a guess you are tired and demoralised. I think going to your Mums is a really good idea and maybe you can find the strength to assess what and how you want things to change.

I have to be honest, I split up with my H, and as tough as it is, it is also easier because living in a big black cloud made the already hard stuff unbearable.

Sadly, things rarely change unless you change them and even though it is unfair that it seems you are going to have to be the driving force without the support of your H, if you imagine nothing having changed in the next 12 months and still existing in this state, it can help motivate you a little.

Another (( )) x

Sorry to read that chunky .

Stress or no stress, he is behaving appallingly. I think you have done everything you can for him and I don't understand why people are telling you to make more effort.

I feel sorry for your DH too but I care more about your children and they should be your priority now.

((HUG))

Honest to god I don't understand where some people are coming from - of course you should fix it, of course you should intervene, of course you should take the kids out, of course you should bend over fucking backwards until you SNAP

HE is the twunting arse who said he HATES his son?? It's unforgiveable. I don't give a flying fuck how stressed he is that is not acceptable. Thankfully you say DS1 wouldn't understand, but even so. I can understand him snapping and saying DS was being a little shit (even though he wasn't) or that he's fed up with everything or whatever, but not to say 'I hate him' - not acceptable at all.

As for choosing to work from home... that's just ridiculous. I would tell him that he has to work from somewhere else if you have any chance of a settled home life - end of.

Someway right at the beginning of the thread said to pack him a bag, some books about Autism and tell him not to come back until he has read them and has some fucking understanding of what your sons life is like. He can't just bloody hope it will go away.

I don't know if I am more angry with him or other posters telling you that you should be doing this that or the other... FFS

((HUGS)) you need them!! x

Oh - the bolding went all weird - it keeps taking the 1st & 4th * and ignoring the others, I only intended to bold HE and NOT??

Chunky - just wanted to respond to this. My DH is on meds for depression, and just before he sought treatment, he was very much walking around like a wounded bear. He was irritable, irrational (not like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" you understand, but simply having unbelievably unrealistic expectations), and generally miserable himself and to everyone around him. At the time, we were going through a lot with DS2 (4yo), and had not yet been told he had ADHD, ASD, and a host of other issues, although obviously we knew something was going on there. We found out about that not long after DH started on meds, and he found it difficult to cope with it for awhile.

Over the past year, we have had a lot of discussions, some good, some not so good, about DS2, finances, his health, my health (some ongoing problems), family issues (extended family), his father's recent death and other things. He had a lot of denial about DS2 for quite some time - and often couldn't come to terms with the idea that some things that were "normal" for a 4yo are difficult for DS2. I honestly think sometimes he felt if he were a bit stricter or if we pushed him a bit harder that things would fall into place and he wouldn't be autistic or something. Which we all know doesn't make sense, but then, he wasn't thinking logically, he was clinically depressed and grasping at straws.

The first turning point for us, obviously, was when DH admitted he needed help and sought treatment. We've had good days and bad days, but he's finally come to terms with things and is coping much better now. In fact, this morning he was talking about a coworker that had just found out his young son was possibly autistic and wasn't coping with it well, and he was saying he might talk to this coworker and see if he needs a sounding board at all and offer to be there if he needs to chat about it. I think something that was also helpful for DH was having time to chat with another father at a local ASD support meeting while DH was struggling still.

As for your DH working from home, have you sat down and asked him why he wants to work at home? Perhaps there is a specific reason he doesn't want to be at the office? Is there someone there that he doesn't get on with? Does he feel uncomfortable talking with coworkers because he is struggling with the autism dx and feels that others will comment if it's mentioned?

Obviously we don't know your DH, but you do. If this is unusual behaviour for him, and you are concerned he is depressed or coping badly, maybe he is embarrassed or unwilling to admit it. Hopefully if that is so, you can convince him to speak to his GP about it. Best of luck. I know it's so easy for people sometimes to say "oh you should never blow up at your kids..blah blah blah" but honestly, DS2 could try the patience of a saint!! I could see where he could drive someone to drink!

Also, just a note, DH understood that I was willing for us to stay together and work on things as long as he was committed to staying on treatment (meds and whatever else might be required) and continued to work on his issues. He has, and therefore we worked through it, and I'm glad we did. But obviously, the important thing is that your DH has to see that it is an issue that needs to be addressed by himself.

Excellent post Triggles, them admitting their side of the problem is key to making forward moving progress.

But this fucknugget man will not do anything to help the situation. Why are so many people blaming the OP who is trying various fixes, suggesting different workspaces for the man, asking him to consider seeing the doctor?
CMM: hope spending some time with your mum will give you some clarity, but I think you are going to have to tell your H that he shapes up or fucks off. It seems to me that you are already a bit in the mindset of percieving him as the boss/owner of the family. You can tell him to fuck off, you know.

I'm not blaming the OP by any means. And there is nothing wrong with suggesting the speak to her DH about seeing the GP regarding possible depression. You know, some days I despair with all the "disposable marriage" attitude on MN. There is a "for better, for worse" thing that many are missing. Now I am not for one minute condoning someone staying in an abusive or violent relationship. But I certainly couldn't just chuck my marriage out the window without first attempting to help my DH, who was obviously having difficulty coping. Yes, if I tried repeatedly to get him to accept help and he absolutely point blank refused and was getting worse, then I would have to consider leaving, for my own and my children's sakes. But I'd like to think if I was suffering from a breakdown or depression that my DH would step in and encourage me to get help as well (which I know he would) rather than simply packing up himself and the children and leaving me to it.

People with depression, if indeed that even is what is going on with the OPs DH, don't just say "oh well, okay, if that's what you think" the very first time help is suggested. It can take time, and only the OP can decide how long she is comfortable attempting to get him to accept help or responsibility for this.

triggles - I am on citalopram for anxiety. I was a total bitch before I started taking it. Difference is that I wasn't so self-absorbed that I refused to accept I was the cause of the problem. OPs' partner is refusing to see the GP. What can she do?