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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to come home tonight...or ever for that matter!!!!!!

143 replies

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:29

Ok, here's why:

We have 2 DS's, DS1, 7 and DS2, 2.5. DS1 is Autistic and can be very hard work.

DH has no patience at all. He's very stressed at the moment as is in a job he hates, but is very well paid & would be hard pushed to find anything that pays as well for what he does. I know how horrible this can be as up until 4 weeks ago I was also in a job I hated. I now have a much better job that I love and am a much happier person since changing.

Anyway, DH & I bicker a lot over the way he talks to DS1 - generally a lot of shouting - but this morning he went too far imo.

DS1 is very awkward but this is all part and parcel of his condition. DH was getting him dressed this morning while I was sorting out DS2's breakfast. I could hear that DS1 was being a bit awkward and was faffing about while getting dressed, which caused DH to start losing his temper, this in turn caused DS1 to become even more awkward. The next thing I heard was DH saying "Come here now before I hurt you!". I flew out of the kitchen & asked DH what he thought gave him the right to talk to DS1 like that. His response was to shout at me......"Because I fucking hate him". I was Shock and Sad and burst into tears. I haven't spoken to him all day and don't want to, so AIBU in not wanting him to come home tonight and to be quite honest the way I feel at the moment I'd be happy if he never did?!!

(Sorry it's so long!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 06/03/2011 16:13

We had a long talk this morning & he has agreed that maybe he is depressed and has agreed to go and see our GP.
He has apologised for what he said & says he doesn't hate our son and what he said was wrong & stupid but said in the heat of the moment.
We have moved DS1's cabin bed today & have deep cleaned the carpet and scrubbed from top to bottom and his room is now smelling fresh & clean. DH has agreed to work in there from now on.
No, we don't get any respite/help at home at all for DS1. We contacted Social Services about it and they visited but suggested we would be better off with a Carers Break Payment which is a one-off payment annually that we have to apply for each year. This enables us to send him to our local SN holiday club for days in the main school holidays. Sadly that is all it pays for as it is £70 a week so there is nothing left to pay someone to help out with respite at home. The reason they didn't give us the respite payments was because we didn't like the idea of him staying over night with other people so they agreed to this other payment as it was more appropriate for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 06/03/2011 16:14

That's the holiday club that is £70 a week, not the SS payment!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 06/03/2011 16:16

We have also taken the boys out for lunch and for a play in the park today. Was so lovely to do something as a family that we haven't done for a long time.

OP posts:
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 06/03/2011 16:19

He doesn't hate his son, he hates the autism.

I'm glad you've talked things through, hopefully he'll get some help.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/03/2011 16:23

Brilliant result, ChunkyMonkeysMum, I'm so pleased for you. :)

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 06/03/2011 16:32

Thank you!

It's been a lovely day, I just hope we can keep it up and things don't slip again. I know it's going to take a lot of work from both of us, but I'm determined.

OP posts:
Earthymama · 06/03/2011 19:40

Just checked in after lurking and want to add my congratulations to both of you.

I'll send un-MN blessings too, and will be thinking of you all xx

oiwhatsoccuring · 06/03/2011 20:00

It may be worth considering going bankrupt if your debts are so large, and the financial pressures are so great. Clearly, your DH's mental health is not great and you may find living a "simpler" life with less income and starting again, with no credit, may help.
it is good that you have got him to go to the GP's well done.

tallwivglasses · 06/03/2011 20:09

Another lurker here - so glad to see a happy ending...but I've a feeling you're being fobbed off with the respite issue. DS gets direct payments for carers to take him out for a few hours spread over the week.

I know my borough is good but there's hopefully more choices for you if you know what to ask for. Try Contact-A-Family x

PurpleCrazyHorse · 06/03/2011 20:21

Great to hear things are looking up.

Was going to add something that probably won't help at all but when DH is working from home (in our small lounge/diner), he has noise cancelling headphones. That way he can't hear me & DD so isn't so easily disturbed. I just have to keep DD physically away from him.

Takes the stress off me too as DD can make noise, have the TV/DVD on etc and I'm not trying to keep an 18mo quiet.

Clearly your DH has more things to cope with than just noisy kids when working from home, but it's an idea if noise is drifting upstairs.

Anyway, I really hope things continue to improve for you.

Madmartigan · 06/03/2011 20:28

Right, I haven't read everything but I do have a small house so I am coming in to say I totally get that if anyone wanted to work anywhere in the house, you couldn't keep the kids from bothering them. Getting frustrated with people telling Chunky'smum to have the kids play elsewhere. We couldn't do it either. People look at me funny when I say I haven't room for things.

Madmartigan · 06/03/2011 20:32

Caught up on the good news. What I would add is that we have recently had a life review and realised our life isn't doing what we want it to, DH looking for a transfer up north, I am prepared to pack in my career and take a pay cut and we will have to reduce our expectations of house (it couldn't be smaller but we are paying a premium for a nice area) to get a life that we think will make us happier.

cestlavielife · 07/03/2011 00:16

Sounds like a result.
make sure he follows through.

if GP says yes depression then go back to SS and explain that one reason is your DS'a autism and high care needs.

ask them to re-asess you both as carers and consider help during the week eg someone to take him out to an after school activity.

longer term it is vital you reconsider him staying over with "other people" - espec if he cannot stay with friends or relatives due to his needs.

if you have relatives or friends he CAN stay with - then start using them.

for your own sanity and well being of whole family - and - to give HIM those life experiences going on sleepovers etc too

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 07/03/2011 01:48

CMM - that's a really good start :)

Let us know how you are getting on ok!!

FauxFox · 07/03/2011 08:00

Thank goodness for that! I'm so pleased for you chunky Smile Hopefully now he has started facing up to it all you can work through things together. x

ursusnix · 07/03/2011 08:09

CMM - he'll love you more for it, thats for sure!

Good luck

U

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 07/03/2011 22:19

Thanks again everyone!

OP posts:
DSH · 08/03/2011 07:28

apologies, I have only read the OP so this may have been said.

I have a child with autism.

some days I fucking hate autism.

Not forgiving your DH for what he said, but if he's stressed and you have a child with a disability it can just be really hard work. chances are he hates the autism rather than your son.

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