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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to come home tonight...or ever for that matter!!!!!!

143 replies

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 17:29

Ok, here's why:

We have 2 DS's, DS1, 7 and DS2, 2.5. DS1 is Autistic and can be very hard work.

DH has no patience at all. He's very stressed at the moment as is in a job he hates, but is very well paid & would be hard pushed to find anything that pays as well for what he does. I know how horrible this can be as up until 4 weeks ago I was also in a job I hated. I now have a much better job that I love and am a much happier person since changing.

Anyway, DH & I bicker a lot over the way he talks to DS1 - generally a lot of shouting - but this morning he went too far imo.

DS1 is very awkward but this is all part and parcel of his condition. DH was getting him dressed this morning while I was sorting out DS2's breakfast. I could hear that DS1 was being a bit awkward and was faffing about while getting dressed, which caused DH to start losing his temper, this in turn caused DS1 to become even more awkward. The next thing I heard was DH saying "Come here now before I hurt you!". I flew out of the kitchen & asked DH what he thought gave him the right to talk to DS1 like that. His response was to shout at me......"Because I fucking hate him". I was Shock and Sad and burst into tears. I haven't spoken to him all day and don't want to, so AIBU in not wanting him to come home tonight and to be quite honest the way I feel at the moment I'd be happy if he never did?!!

(Sorry it's so long!!)

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/03/2011 19:21

What he has done is wrong, totally.

But marriage/family is about compromise.

He chooses to work from home because he prefers to as opposed to going in the office. How that works is neither here nor there, but if he works from home he needs peace.

You say he is stressed but he cannot do anything else as you need the money, well then help him be less stressed find a compromise that works for all of you.

Nothing is going to change if you continue on the path you are currently on, changes need to be made, where I have no idea, but you have to look to change something.

Something is wrong, you need to put it right together.

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:22

My Mum & Dad help out loads & do have him to stay 1 night a week to give us a break.

OP posts:
Fiddledee · 04/03/2011 19:24

I really feel for you. He is acting very unreasonable by working from home, very selfish as he must put you and the kids under stress to keep quiet every afternoon. Is there no space for a desk in your bedroom?

He should never have said he hates DS1. He doesn't like his job, many people don't but he does have a job and a family to support.

I think this runs deeper - what he said and how you have reacted. He sounds in denial about his son and his work.

You need to talk. Do you have any family that could give you a break for the weekend?

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:25

I know that FabbyChic and believe me I really do try. I changed my job to try to relieve some of the pressure as I now work longer hours, therefore more money, but during the school day instead of afternoons/evenings, I have suggested he go to the office to work as it is not practical to work from home as there is nowhere he can go at home to get peace. My mum & dad have offered for him to go to their house to work so he can get peace but he doesn't want to. What more can I do???

OP posts:
Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:28

No, threre is no space in the bedroom for a desk. DS1's room has a cabin bed in it with a desk underneath & I have suggested to DH that he uses this, but he doesn't!

I've really tried to talk to him, I just end up getting upset and feeling even more rubbish because he doesn't want to discuss anything as never feels that he is in the wrong.

The compromise needs to come from him as I feel like all I ever do is try to compromise just to get it thrown back in my face. He doesn't know the meaning of the word compromise.

OP posts:
MotherNight · 04/03/2011 19:31

I wouldn't be able to live with a man who spoke to my child like that, sorry.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 04/03/2011 19:31

May he have meant he hated DS1's behaviour, rather than him?

The fact that he would rather be at home shows that he wants to be with you all, as a family, so i'd use that as a positive stance & go from there... you all sound like you're having such a stressful time at the minute - but to not want him to come home may just cause more trouble/hassle/stress for your DS.

FabbyChic · 04/03/2011 19:33

Well at least you can tell yourself you have tried to make life easier for him, the fact he won't meet you in the middle isn't your fault.

I hope he apologises to his son and you when he comes home tonight.

AnnyR · 04/03/2011 19:36

Chunky - I feel for you as we also have a DS1 with ASD. We are further on from you in that our DSs are 18 and 21, so we have been through both the "little kid" stage and the "dreaded teen" stage too!

We have been under huge stress with both of us now ill, for different reasons.

Reading your post and all of the replies on here has made me think of a few things though. Firstly, no-one is perfect! Both of us had a hard time coming to terms with our DS's ASD - my DH most of all. In the early years, I was probably the most patient out of the 2 of us and more able to deal with DS. As he got older, he began to have serious rages and then DH dealt with things better than I did.

We have both of us said horrible things over the years when seriously stressed - please don't flame me for saying this, I am being honest. When you have been screamed at for hours and have had to dodge flying things thrown at you, then you don't always have complete control over your own emotions.

Our DS is now 21 and knows that we love him. We have probably yelled nasty names at him many times and he has yelled worse things back! But he is happy, secure and knows he is loved. That is what matters.

One day it might be you who "loses it" when you are tired and stressed!

I agree that your DH needs to find out more about ASD and work on coming to terms with the fact that his DS will not be the son that he imagined he would have. Just different. As all DC are, when you think about it.

Best of luck to you X

Original poster
ChunkyMonkeysMum · 04/03/2011 19:43

Thank you everybody!

FWIW, he's home, no apology, barely even a word spoken to either me or DS1. Both DC's in bed now and we're sitting here in silence watching Corrie. I did ask if he had come home in a better mood than he went out in and he said "not really", so clearly not sorry about what he said and doesn;t think he was wrong.....says it all really!

OP posts:
Gothica · 04/03/2011 19:45

If your son hasa comdition and work life is proving very stressful for him, he may well be suffering from depression. Money's not everything.

If it were me I'd have DH look for another job or book some holiday time so he can rellax and work out what his problems and needs are. He definately didn't say the right thing but to me it sounds like he might be close to snapping and we should watch for these signs in our loved ones so we can get them help/suport.

FourFortyFour · 04/03/2011 21:08

You have to talk about it now or else it will sour your whole weekend.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 04/03/2011 21:40

I'm sorry, but as the mother of 2 autistic children, if my husband yelled that, I would never ever forgive him.

And I've forgiven him a LOT! (towards me) but if he ever behaved like that to our kids he'd be out the door.

And the child's asd is no justification for yelling that at him. It's not his fault. This is what happens when parents make it all about them instead of focusing on the needs of the child. God it pisses me right off.

I don't blame you for being so mad. I don't know how you are going to forgive him this, tbh.

ilovemyhens · 04/03/2011 21:49

Just a practical suggestion, but we have a loft bed in our bedroom which frees up a lot of space for dh to have an office area in there. We got ours from Ikea and it didn't cost a fortune.

lechatnoir · 04/03/2011 21:55

FWIW I think he sounds like he's being a total arse who is:

  1. In denial about his child's condition
  2. Not coping with the pressures of work/your financial situation
  3. But mainly, being an uncommunicative, disrespectful, unhelpful and unsympathetic arse of a husband!!!

The longer you let him continue to be all these things, the worse it will get.
LCN

Morloth · 04/03/2011 22:09

He shouldn't have said that, but it sounds like a symptom of a much bigger problem.

You two NEED to talk or it is going to be over. If he won't talk then maybe it already is.

fit2drop · 04/03/2011 22:11

Of course you have every right to be angry about his harsh words about your son. What parent wouldn't be, But after reading this I feel that there is a lot more to it than just that one (albeit horrible) remark. That remark came after so many different stresses on so many different levels. Yes you have done as much as you can to make things easier,The obvious answer is to change his job, you say that is not feasable....so ,
he carries on working in a job he hates, intensifying the stress and the atmosphere in the home, Surely its not worth it. Down size, do whatever you need to do for his health, which will then impact on the health of the whole family in a positive way, , surely. NO amount of money is worth destroying what was I assume a happy family unit at one point.Though you have said he has never accepted your sons diagnosis. How sad, for all of you.
Unless you are really at the end of your tether with this which would then mean you would have to down size because it would mean the end of your marriage, which would then entail all the problems you have and MORE.
You need to get back to basics... list whats important, materialistic stuff or your family unit and husbands health.
You are both working, people do and can live on less when they have to. Its about choices.

Ormirian · 04/03/2011 22:55

What I am finding hard to understand is why, in other threads, men have been similarly unpleasant about their partners and there has been almost universal condemnation, regardless of the circumstances. Here an adult has said something fairly unforgivable to a vulnerable child and people are falling over themselves to excuse him.

bibbitybobbityhat · 04/03/2011 23:00

Agree Orm, v v strange indeed.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 04/03/2011 23:12

My partner is autistic, and grew up with a father who had no patience for him. It was a lot milder than this, but it clearly left some parts of him utterly destroyed. Massive issues. I can only imagine what this ceaseless undercurrent of fear in your household is doing to your son. And you, for that matter.

Your husband's attitude needs to change. Not soon, NOW. If he's not prepared to give every sinew in his body to change his way with your son, then he cannot be trusted around him.

I doubt your little boy will ever get over what's already happened. Please don't allow more of this.

Autistic, stressed, awkward, whatever. If a parent THREATENS THEIR CHILD WITH PHYSICAL HARM, they're out, no second chances in my opinion.

You already know how good you feel when he's not there. Please do what's best for you and your kids. I wish you luck and happiness. x

InPraiseOfBacchus · 04/03/2011 23:18

And I also agree with Ormerian, why are people focusing on the stressed husband needing more space when there's a vulnerable autistic child being threatened by a grown up who's meant to be the one man they can trust with their life and soul?

OP needs to build a new LIFE, not a cozy loft office extension.

fit2drop · 04/03/2011 23:32

I agree she does need to make a fresh start , I thought my post said that, however she continues to insist she needs the money.... she is putting their finacial situation first. IMO Thats whats wrong.

The childs safety first and formost everytime.

No one here has said the hubby was right for his actions and any suggestions of how changing his work habits would help have been met with resistence. She has obviously already decided hers and her childrens life would be happier and smoother without him but not without his money,

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/03/2011 23:46

FFS the OP has been trying to rearrange things so the H can be less stressed, but he is resisting every offer of help. This man wants to be stressed so he can bully his family and claim it's down to stress.

fit2drop · 05/03/2011 00:19

OK , so she should say bye bye tosser, but she wont cos of the money

I don't think he WANTS to be stressed

I think he is fearfully trying very hard to do all things righ EXCEPT he is actually doing everything wrong especially regarding the child.
However the OP is not collecting sympathy as she does not appear to give an inch regards HER needs AND HER WAY AND WHAT SHE WANTS.
If they wanted to sort this thy could....too many answers up there with so many different solutions NONE of which she is prepared to consider.
Its obvious to most that this can't go on but op will allow it because financially they cant afford to not continue as they are.

Sad that it is the poor child paying the price for the parents materialistic choices

cestlavielife · 05/03/2011 00:25

sounds like he wants to be centre of attention and it is all about him.
he wont compromise wont go to his office.
op doing all the compromising.

how high functioning is DS 1? understands? talks? mainstream school or special school?

it may be he hates ds' autism - but that's not the point. it is his responsibility to find a way thru this too - why is it all op's problem?

i think you need ot be very clear that if he is indeed about to snap - as was suggested - he cant stay around you and your DC right now. he needs to get himself some help. and maybe he does neeed to go stay elsewhere for a few days/weeks...

my exP had stress of work, denial about our son's autism etc - in the end he did snap and attacked him...just saying...

ask him bluntly - would you ever harm DS?

if he not prepared to say "look of course i would never hurt him!!" and mean it then you have to consider that yes, next time, he might hurt him...