Deep sigh... Roadside 'Tributes'

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Am I very unreasonable to hate them?

We have a road that I travel on quite often, it's locally known as 'Death Valley'. It's been the site of several fatal accidents, namely because people overtake and misjudge the traffic in the opposite direction.

Anyway... some of the lampposts are absolutely festooned with dirty and torn teddies and dead flowers and banners and goodness knows what... until mothers' day, birthday, Christmas or some other memorable day results in even more stuff being added. Some of these accidents happened five years ago or more.

This isn't common all over the UK, just in spots. I've often seen a cross on a verge, with perhaps a small wreath but nothing on the scale of 'Death Valley'.

I drove past one of the 'festooners' today, putting some garish finishing touches to a memorial picture (the size of a dartboard), with fairy lights. She was darting across the road and I think it's a matter of time before she becomes part of the tribute scene.

It goes without saying that I feel dreadfully sad for the bereaved families but WHY exactly, does the accident site have to become an impromptu display of ostentatious grief? I really hate it...

Of course they are holy. His life was holy. His life was sacred. All life is sacred. That is why no one touches these sacred objects.

I agree with you OP. And miniwedge - there are a lot fewer deaths on our roads than there used to be, despite the increasing number of cars on the road.

In 2007, 646 pedestrians were killed in road accidents in Great Britain; this was 22 per cent of all deaths from road accidents, a 78 per cent decrease from 40 years ago when pedestrian fatalities were 2,964.

Here's an article about a council putting a time limit on them because they believe they lead to further accidents.

My brother's good friend was killed by a car when they were both 17. I know it would never have occurred to my brother to make one of these shrines and I know he, like me, instinctively feels they are disturbing and not nice to see.

But I remember when he came back from the funeral, he was so upset that his friend was in a peaceful cemetery and, in his words, 'like an old person who died peacefully'. He found it very upsetting to see the contrast between the cemetery that is meant to make you feel calm and at peace, and the horrible way his friend died.

I just thought of that when people were saying on this thread that memorial gardens are cemeteries are the places for grieving and for shrines - they are, but for some they could be more upsetting.

I am in Irl and here in some counties they are becoming stricter with the type of memorial being placed at the roads side,
Where I live a simple wooden cross with a plaque is allowed but a permanent graveyard style set in concrete head stone is no longer allowed, this is because our local council was sued after some one had an accident in a black spot where some one had previously been killed and an up right head stone was placed in memory, the person hit the head stone and suffered serious injuries, he was able to prove that because no speed was involved on his part [he skidded on black ice on a bend] his car should have spun into the roadside green area with out to much of an impact, his theory was backed up by road side investigators,.
I personally have no issue with roadside memorials so long as they will not do damage to others who may have an accident in the area.

This phenomenen is covered in great depth and with great elegance by Theodore Dalrymple, the best social commentator of our time.

Spolit Rotten:The toxic cult of sentimentality

I grew up in Greece and there are little shrines on just about every dodgy sharp corner there is, so it doesn't seem strange to me.

Would I do it? I hope I am never in the position to decide wether to or not tbh

If it helps those grieving then so be it. We a had a little boy killed when the driver mounted the pavement in town at a dangerous bend very near my house. The family put up an photo, explanation and a flower pot at the spot. I thought of that boy every time I passed even though it happened shortly before i lived there. The council went on to spend a lot of money and make the road safer so something positive happened. Now there is a tree with a his name attached. Hope it gives the family some comfort.

Claig - really? 'Sacred' cellophane and deflated balloons then?

Don't like them and am puzzled by the social change that has made them acceptable. When did they start appearing in the UK - 10, 15 years ago?

Agree with the poster who said if people feel the need to leave flowers, they should take them out of the wrapping. Tatty torn plastic blowing around and making a mess is no way to honour the dead. And probably a hazard to wildlife, too.

I am actually at how much people detest them. I personally think they are a stark reminder of how we need to be more cautious on the road and I instinctively slow down when I see one, not to have a good nosey, far from it but as I realise how quickly a life can be taken by careless driving.

Claig I regularly walk past a memorial site and I have no guilt in removing cellophane, dead flowers, deflated balloons and reporting it to the litter wardens esp if the things left there fore people to step onto the road,
Sacred place no, sad place yes but no need to litter the street I walk/live on, if they want flowers there plant bulbs and seeds.
Chloe I don't take any notice of them. TBH It does not cause me to slow down esp as I 99% of the time do the speed limit I sadly assume it was speed or bad driving and better them the driver [as is the case near me] then an innocent person
Sorry if that sounds harsh

YANBU.

My DP used to work for our local council clearing homes of the deceased etc and eventually ended up spending atleast 2 hours of his shift every day clearing away roadsides of these 'shrines' because people just left it there to rot and it became more and more cluttered as time went on.

They would have to take everything back to the depo sort through it, try to contact famillies to ask if they wish any of the stuff to be given to them if they could'nt contact or the family did'nt want they would have to spend ages:

Sorting through photo's/notes and recycling
Washing teddies/tops/scarfs etc and donate to charity
Bin mountains of cellophane and other perishable junk
Put the flowers etc through garden waste processing

So in my opinion it is fine to leave stuff if you can be responsible about it and realise that if you choose to do it then you must maintain it in a way that will not cost others a lot of money and time and will not pose any danger to the rest of the public (massive displays do distract drivers).

Yes they are sacred because they are imbued with the love of people who are grieving and mourning the loss of a loved one. What consecrates an ordinary object, how can a priest consecrate a place or an object? It is done through love (and via God). The priest is only an intermediary for the love of God. Everybody understands that to deface a sacred object such as a gravestone in a sacred place such as a cemetery is a sacrilegious act, and it is worse than just committing a mundane act such as performing a burglary. That is why it is a rare occurrence and why few people would ever defile these roadside tributes.

The cellophane and the balloons are just those things to all of us, but to the family who have placed them there, they are sacred. We all know that, and that is why none of us would ever touch them, and no yob would ever steal the fottball shirt that still hangs in the same place weeks after having been put there.

Any city councillor, like the one in North Yorkshire, who objects to the grief of families being displayed in this way, should be voted out of office. That councillor doesn't deserve to represent the people.

YANBU to dislike them, but it's up to a person how they chose to remember their dead.

My ds1 is buried in a graveyard. A lovely place. But i don't feel close to him there. There's another place that i feel particularly close to him, so thats where i chose to leave flowers.

I personally think that those who grieve need to do whatever they can to make sense of their loss. If that means taping flowers to a lamppost where there loved one died, then i've no objection.

I would like say though that if I ever had an unfortunate reason to decide to leave a memorial (not sure I would but have never thankfully been in a position to decide) then I would def take down dying flowers/weathered photos etc as driving past them looking withered would be more of a discomfort than a comfort for me.

Oh and I am pleased that no-one has defaced or stolen the football shirt however, this isn't always the case - yobs round my area completely trashed a poppy wreath which has been sat and replaced each year at a WW memorial spot for 10 years

Yes, Chloe55, that is very sad. It does happen. But I would guess that it happens more often in the case of a WW memorial than of an individual tribute to a life recently taken. I think the reason is that the yobs feel less connection with the WW memorial to many lives lost a long time ago, than to one life lost recently and that they fully understand the grief of that one family. Even the yobs know that but for the grace of God, it could have happended to them.

SpeedyGonzalez... My comment about 'foisting on others' was just that, a comment, not a complaint. For clarification, none of my OP was a complaint.

Leaving flowers... It doesn't concern me what sort of flowers, the cellophane, papers, ribbons, etc. are the issue really. If people want to leave flowers (as for Princess Di), it's nothing to me. It comforts them and harms nobody. If they do it on a stretch of road that is notoriously dangerous, putting others at risk then I have a problem with it. That's inherent because accidents happen in blackspots and so do the fatalities.

I wouldn't leave flowers nor 'grieve' for someone I don't know but there's a definite trend towards that with people acting as if they're personally bereaved. I think that's a disgrace actually, it's very disrespectful for the friends and family who actually are bereaved.

As others have said, people die in different places yet shrines aren't placed in restaurants, post offices or other places. Why is that? Probably because they wouldn't be allowed to do it because it's someone else's property.

Flowers are the accepted 'norm', they convey the message perfectly. Why the other stuff? It has become a competition in some places and it looks truly dreadful.

I also agree with Northernlurker's post... the garish tributes I referred to are actually for a mother who was driving whilst chatting on her mobile and she decided to overtake. The victim is really the driver of the oil tanker who was travelling in the opposite direction and whom she hit head on.

Your post is a bit confused... you talk about wailing on TV camera at the loss of a relative, what does that have to do with the OP? The same for posting on MN about losing a relative. I don't know anybody that wouldn't sympathise. It's not relevant to anything I posted though. I don't expect anybody to 'box in their grief' and don't think I suggested that I did. I think you're confusing 'grace' with 'empathy' and perhaps tolerance.

Either way, it's fun to play devil's advocate, I know.

One person's garish is another's good taste...............

YANBU. Roadside tributes should be gently discouraged, especially where they can be distracting and thus dangerous.

out of curiosity. What if someone decided they wanted to remember where someone died by playing bagpipes at the spot they died every day? Would that be ok because that was how they wanted to remember them or would that not be ok? Who decides what is appropriate?

I really hate the idea of f I got knocked down and my family or friends decided to set up a shrine. I wouldn't want that bit of road becoming a little bit of sadness for all people walking/driving past. Life is difficult for people without adding anlittle sadness every day for people who didnt even know me.

'Why shouldn't grief be outpouring? I'm lucky never to have suffered a close loss but imagine it can be all-consuming. We don't really like public displays of emotion in this country do we? '

You are very lucky-I have and it is all consuming -but I don't see why it has to be a public display and you can't grieve unless you are seen to be grieving.I hate the way that people sort of 'try it out' with people they don't even know. Much better to give the flowers to the parent, or a lonely old lady, in memory of the person than leave it on the roadside in the wrapping.No one would know except you-but why does this matter-is the fact that you have to be seen that is important?
Planting a few bulbs or scattering flower seeds would be so much nicer.

veritythebrave... That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. I'm just wondering what the motivation for it is? It's not somewhere the family can go to remember their loved one and it has no relevance in terms of places where she was.

For those that say people should be able to put up whatever they want, whenever they want... where would you draw the line? Lots of people die in road accidents every year.

I've been thinking about what I would do were it a loved one of mine and I think I'd have a little place in my home where I would have their picture and light a candle... but again, maybe I wouldn't. That person would always be in my thoughts and in my heart.

OhYouBadKitten... I've heard quite a few people comment on how sad and depressing it is to see the number of shrines. It is terribly sad but so is the death of any person when we've loved them.

If it was a loved one of mine I would want to choose a lovely spot-perhaps have a bench in memory or a tree-but why on earth would I want a horrible stretch of road? The dead person would think we were mad! It also seems a shame to tie them after death to a traffic blackspot.