Deep sigh... Roadside 'Tributes'

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Am I very unreasonable to hate them?

We have a road that I travel on quite often, it's locally known as 'Death Valley'. It's been the site of several fatal accidents, namely because people overtake and misjudge the traffic in the opposite direction.

Anyway... some of the lampposts are absolutely festooned with dirty and torn teddies and dead flowers and banners and goodness knows what... until mothers' day, birthday, Christmas or some other memorable day results in even more stuff being added. Some of these accidents happened five years ago or more.

This isn't common all over the UK, just in spots. I've often seen a cross on a verge, with perhaps a small wreath but nothing on the scale of 'Death Valley'.

I drove past one of the 'festooners' today, putting some garish finishing touches to a memorial picture (the size of a dartboard), with fairy lights. She was darting across the road and I think it's a matter of time before she becomes part of the tribute scene.

It goes without saying that I feel dreadfully sad for the bereaved families but WHY exactly, does the accident site have to become an impromptu display of ostentatious grief? I really hate it...

There is a bench just outsidevthe village where I grew up. Someone died in an accident there, years ago, so the family always but flowers/a wreath on the bench. The problem is, that every time I have driven past for the last 15/20 years there has been some sort of floral tribute on the seat, rendering it completely useless.. Its not like anyone is going to move the flowers so they can sit down

I hate them! Why oh why don't people remove the cellophane-it is so easy, the flowers would look much nicer and they would rot down quickly.
I never know why people don't find a nice spot to remember them. If it was me the last thing I would want would be some horrible spot of road-much better to get well away from it.

people should be allowed to grieve and keep their loved ones existence alive as it were however they want. i do think it would be appropriate for cellophane etc to be removed before flowers being placed, because the flowers, lets face it, will be taken care of by nature, the cellophane etc wont.

many years ago, nearby, a young couple died in their car- really tragic. on the verge where it happened the family planted it with bulbs one autumn. now, every spring there are natural, fresh flowers as a tribute to them. there is no plaque or anything- more a case of if you know it means something, if you dont its just that spot you keep an eye on each march for the first signs of spring.

YANBU - I have lost my Mum in a fatal RTA and I would hate to see her memory on public display like this. The road where she died is also a complete blackspot, thankfully the council have taken action and repaired the camber of the road and put up more signs and railings, this work has meant people dont leave so much stuff lying around as the workmen would just move it anyway.

I cant even drive down that road anymore :(

YABVVU.
People can mark the death of their loved ones how they choose. I am always moved when I drive past a roadside tribute, and I think of somebody's loved one who has been taken away.

I actually think they are a good thing, because they make you think about the way you are driving. I drive along a very treacherous rural road every day to work. There are two impromptu memorials, one of which was quite substantial, made of stone and big. I thought it a shame when someone took it away because it actually didn't look tacky at all. I think a young man died there because he was driving recklessly, he drove straight into a tree. Another memorial just outside Totnes is just a bunch of flowers, a taxi driver was invovled in a head on collision on the hill.

This kind of memorial has been common for decade in many other countries. The reason we didn't use to do it was that death was a bit of a taboo for a long time in the UK. We are losing some of that traditional english reserve, and therefor we feel free to exress our grief in any way that halps. Personally I think this is good.

I wouldn't do it myself but whenever I see flowers/photos of children tied to a lamp post at the side of a road, I always think that the grieving mum just wants people to KNOW that their child was alive and is now gone. It's seems like such a scream for acknowledgement, I find it incredibly upsetting but would never seek to prohibit someone's grief and manner of expressing it.

I think that the mum has very little control over it. If I lost a DC in a road accident the last thing I would want would be a reminder of the very spot-I am like changing2011 and would have to stop using the road.
I wish that it hadn't become a habit to acknowledge grief in this way.
Couldn't we have a campaign to remove cellophane and wrapping-I can't understand why people leave it on-to prove that they paid for the flowers? If so, is that superior to picking them from your garden?
Planting flowers would be so much nicer and environmentally friendly.

I really hate the phrase 'outpouring of grief' when used disdainfully. Why shouldn't grief be outpouring? I'm lucky never to have suffered a close loss but imagine it can be all-consuming. We don't really like public displays of emotion in this country do we?

When you see disasters in other countries in tv people are literally in the streets wailing. It may be disturbing for some but it seems like a more natural visceral response to me.

Some really thought-provoking posts here and they've made me wonder what exactly irritates me so about the tributes that I see on that particular road.

I've decided that it's not the fact that people want to mark the spot, it's the all-consuming need to make a big and often indiscreet display. Flowers at the scene are understandable - what I hate is the cellophane, paper, balloons, ribbons and all the other paraphernalia that they're wrapped in. Flowers would degrade naturally after a time, this other stuff doesn't.

Some of the tributes are extremely OTT. Perhaps you're thinking of the ones in your own areas and haven't seen some of the more flamboyant displays. There is also, sadly, some 'competition' on that stretch of road. Families (even in relation to the same deceased person), compete to demonstrate better their love for the person, larger and bigger items pinned to the lamppost... they bring stepladders apparently to cover the as far along the length of it as possible. Perhaps they might even invest in a Cherrypicker at some point? It looks distasteful (in my view), it reminds me of a fairground stall and again, in my opinion, does nothing to make traffic on that road safer.

At that particular road, there was a fairly recent tragedy where a man and his mother and father were killed in the car he was driving. His pregnant wife (almost to term) survived, but the baby didn't. It was horrific and it moved many people. The family put some flowers there but moved other tributes like teddies and the like away. They felt their grief was private and whilst they acknowledged the thoughts of the general public, it wasn't public grief, it was their own and not in public ownership. Once the flowers died, the spot was left unmarked but to the family and loved ones, it will always be poignant and visible.

Anyway, I've seen many tributes all across the UK and personally think that whilst some unwrapped flowers or a non-maintenance shrub would offend none, I know of many people who silently wish the teddies and ostentatious displays would stop. It is a difficult subject and my views don't diminish peoples' grief.

The dartboard-sized picture and fairy lights will be removed, no doubt about it. The council will have to act as it's dangerous. I think a board showing the accident rates for the year, as I've seen elsewhere, would be a useful tool in reducing the number of accidents there.

I agree that people have the right to grieve as they wish. I don't agree that people have the right to project that grief wherever and howsoever they choose when it encroaches past their own property.

On a separate but related point, I also feel that way about hoardings and birthday banners on bridges, the devoted family never thinks to remove them after the event, leaving someone else to pick up after them.

Time was when you'd only see this sort of thing in Greece and Italy, with little roadside glass-encased shrines marking the places where people had died.

It seems terribly un-English, but society has changed a lot in the last 20 years or so. It's probably alogical progression from the 'Diana Effect' I reckon.

Bumperlicious... No, I generally think we don't like public outpourings of grief in this country.

I have to say that the shocking display of grief over Princess Diana's funeral made me truly ashamed to be British. I felt so very sorry for the Princes having to walk behind their Mother's coffin with all that wailing. They were the bereaved after all.

It's become almost accepted that some people will be devastated and grief stricken at the death of a person they don't even know. Jade Goody's funeral was a good example... absolute hysteria. I'm glad her sons were not there to see it... and Marmite, jars and jars of it. That was beyond silly when you think that it would have been a far better tribute to donate the cost of them to cancer research, in Jade's name.

Perhaps I am old-fashioned?

Changing2011 and other posters who've said this... That's exactly how I would feel if I lost somebody in a road accident. :(

Posted on a thread like this before and got told i was wrong but i dont care.

I have put flowers at the roadside on 3 occasions.. My younger brother was killed in a road crash in october 2009. Flowers and messages have been put at the scene the day after his death, his birthday and the first anniversairy of his death. The section of road he was killed on is notorious just leaving a town and people speed down there. The tributes we have left have been photographed an put in the local paper to help raise awareness of road deaths in my area. Some people may not lie them but they bring great comfort to those close to the deceased

YANBU

I lost my beloved grandma in a RTA and would detour to avoid the road if necessary (tho it's not as it happened miles away from where I now live). Mind you I wouldn't go to the memorial garden where her ashes were scattered either. Fourteen years later I would still find it too upsetting.

Oh my lovely g'ma, RIP :(

Sorry for not responding earlier, have just read back through the thread:

LittleMissHissyFit... That's interesting. I didn't know about 'Ghost Bikes' but think it's a fantastic idea. Off to google it...

CuppaTeaJanice... A plaque seems a nice idea for families that want the place marked.

SpeedyGonzalez... I have no problem with people thinking differently to me and disagreeing with me at every turn. I gave my view of it and, on reading the subsequent posts I haven't changed it but I've thought about things from another angle. I think that people have the right to do as they wish, so long as it doesn't encroach on other people who have the equal right not to have whatever it is foisted on them.

Shelleylou... I'm very sorry about your brother. I'm glad that the flowers and messages were a comfort to you.

plasticspoon...That's exactly how I'd feel too. The spot would be burned into my memory and I'd never want to see it again. So sorry about your grandma.

Glad to see your thread has provoked a deeper line of thinking for you, OP. However, I'm finding your complaints about people 'foisting' their behaviour on others a curious one.

What do you mean by that? Is it okay, for example, to leave flowers for someone you know but not a celebrity? Should the flowers be stylishly arranged, or would bog-standard chrysanths do (after all, they have long been considered the flower of funerals and are long-lasting). Are only flowers allowed, and no other objects?

What about someone standing at the scene sobbing on the day of the accident - there's no decorum in that and it would certainly be far more distracting than a flower tribute. Or starting a conversation on MN to say their loved one has died - thus inviting others, including strangers, to share in their grief. Would that be 'foisting oneself'? No risk of causing accidents on a web forum.

What about wailing in front of a TV news camera about how your child has just been killed by a landmine?

Etc

I'm playing devil's advocate here, of course, but I hope you can see my point. Perhaps I have more experience of losing loved one's than you do; that I don't know. But I do know that expecting people to box in their grief to benefit others' tastes is, frankly, bizarre. There are 7 billion of us sharing this planet so we're going to encroach upon each other all the time. When that happens for 'good' reasons, surely what's wanted is a hefty dose of good grace?

Totally agree with cameron cooke, a sober reminder of being careful on the roads, far better than speed cameras anyday.

well said SpeedyGonzalez.

A young boy was run over at a place near me. A tragic accident caused in a moment of madness by someone showing off in a Porsche that they didn't own.

The family has put flowers and mementos at the spot at which he died. There is a football shirt hanging there of the team that he loved. It is a way for the family to be near him, to be with him at the spot that his soul was taken. It is a way to mark the loss of a dearly loved son taken in a tragic accident. It is a demonstartion that he was loved and will be dearly missed by those who knew him. And for people like me, who didn't know him, it is very moving, and my thoughts are with his family. It reminds us all that life is precious, that we should take care when driving because our reckless actions can have devastating consequences. The community who sees these tributes joins together with the family and feels for them in their grief and the family are strengthened by it.

I don't mind them at all. In fact, like a previous poster, I find them sobering and sometimes they make me feel quite emotional.

What I do dislike, though, is the plastic flower wrappers etc being left to float around like litter. My family left a bunch of flowers for a loved one when we scattered the ashes into a river, and I asked them to take the plastic bag off because I don't think that cluttering up the environment that a person used to love is the best way to honour their memory.

I agree with you OP. The fence opposite dd's nursery is used for this. A young man died there a few years ago. He died because he decided to overtake a car at speed on his motorbike. He was in a 30 mph zone in an urban setting with a nursery on one side and a leisure facility used by many children on the other. The tributes are never removed just left to rot. It isn't just close family either - it's quite a trend. I dont agree with this. There is no need to encourage people to be safer there - the road is safe as long as people aren't recklessly stupid. I object to the implication that this young man was a 'victim' - which is suggested by the messages left. Victim of his own carelessness for himself and others. His death is a tragedy of course but I don't agree with 'celebrating' it in this way.

No one celebrates death. They are honouring his short life. Everybody makes mistakes.

They make rules and regulations about many things, but they haven't made a regulation to remove these tributes. I think it is because it would be sacrilegious to do so.

No it wouldn't - they aren't 'holy'!

Not even yobs have touched the football shirt that hangs where the young boy died. No one touches it. Everyone understands what it means, and no one will commit a sacrilege.