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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Deep sigh... Roadside 'Tributes'

288 replies

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2011 13:09

Am I very unreasonable to hate them?

We have a road that I travel on quite often, it's locally known as 'Death Valley'. It's been the site of several fatal accidents, namely because people overtake and misjudge the traffic in the opposite direction.

Anyway... some of the lampposts are absolutely festooned with dirty and torn teddies and dead flowers and banners and goodness knows what... until mothers' day, birthday, Christmas or some other memorable day results in even more stuff being added. Some of these accidents happened five years ago or more. Confused

This isn't common all over the UK, just in spots. I've often seen a cross on a verge, with perhaps a small wreath but nothing on the scale of 'Death Valley'.

I drove past one of the 'festooners' today, putting some garish finishing touches to a memorial picture (the size of a dartboard), with fairy lights. She was darting across the road and I think it's a matter of time before she becomes part of the tribute scene.

It goes without saying that I feel dreadfully sad for the bereaved families but WHY exactly, does the accident site have to become an impromptu display of ostentatious grief? I really hate it...

OP posts:
miniwedge · 04/03/2011 13:27

What's it to you? Who are you to determine how people choose to grieve?

When did it become law that grief should be confined to the graveyard?

iamthere · 04/03/2011 13:28

I think they look awful when they're tatty and the photos always fade...

However, I HAVE suffered the loss of one of my children on a road like this, and we just put some flowers there on the day of the anniversary. We don't live anywhere near there any more so a friend does it for me, but just a simple floral tribute is enough for me (esp. as I don't see it). Personally I never want to go back there, so even if it was down the road I can't imagine going back to keep putting things there, but each to their own.

I wish people would take off the dead flowers and disintegrating bits of paper though. I once saw one that had a massive bag of Wine Gums on it! Bizarre.

Deciduousblonde · 04/03/2011 13:28

It's not actually my view that they are a distraction, but it is for others and some local authorities have stated this as fact.

I for one have never witnessed an accident caused by roadside memorials, but had the misfortune of being behind a driver distracted by a 'car for sale' sign.

Original poster
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/03/2011 13:29

miniwedge... If you want evidence, find it yourself. I'm stating an opinion. I don't expect you to agree with it.

It's actually a 50mph bit of road, perfectly straight, but it's dangerous because of the overtaking risks some people take. There is nowhere for the 'tributers' to park, they have to stop with two wheels up on a tiny kerb and run a gauntlet of fast-moving cars. Crazy, no?

OP posts:
timeforachangearooney · 04/03/2011 13:29

lying witch, there was a case here in NI, where a lady was killed at the roadside. she was only there to see where a relative had been killed less than 24 hours previous. it was very sad story

Marne · 04/03/2011 13:30

Sadly there are a couple of roads near us that are the same Sad, i don't see a problem with it, if anything it should be a lesson to people who drive like twats and young drivers who have no fear, it always reminds me how dangerous the roads are. I do find it a bit odd when people are still laying flowers years on (surely graves are for flowers?).

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 13:30

LyingWitch - I normally agree with just about all your posts tbh but on this i'm afraid i think YABU. (a little)

I think, certainly in RTA's, that the life is snatched away and the loved ones do the shrine thingy as a way of coping - these flowers/shrines may be an eyesore to you but what harm are they doing?

I reckon they are just about as dangerously distracting as an advertising board.

caughtinanet · 04/03/2011 13:31

miniwedge - are you sure deaths on the roads are increasing ? I thought the figure had remained static for quite a while.

Thankfully I haven't experienced a death like this and rally don't how I would feel if I did.

SarahBumBarer · 04/03/2011 13:31

I don't see why it is any more odd than expecting people to go to a cemetary and feel any solace from visiting a peice of earth that has absolutely no connection with the deceased's life (or death).

If it is causing a distraction that is a separate issue but I would not take anything away from anyone in terms of their right to grieve how they chose. And I find the likening of it to "look at MEEE" a bit insensitive {sorry - I really don't mean to be inflammatory). It's not really that new - it is just perhaps a bit more widespread these days. Furthermore this kind of thing has been done (quite officially( in many European countries in a very widespread manner for decades and decades and there presumably also is an aspect of crossing cultures given current global mobility.

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 13:32

But - YANBU about the "tributers" parking on this stretch of road - very silly IMO

Ormirian · 04/03/2011 13:33

It would be OK if they took them down once the flowers die and the wrappings get brown and tatty. Once that happens it's a pretty dismal memorial surely Sad. And they didn't replace them. Is there not a grave or a cemetery to go for remebrance?

lottiejenkins · 04/03/2011 13:34

There is one on a road that my Mum travels on every week, a girl died (drink driving) whilst driving home from work. The place where the flowers are is such a dangerous place to have to stop and put flowers and my mum has said what someone else on here has said that there will be another accident there whilst someone is changing the flowers.
The other thing that drives my Mum mad is people putting bunting and signs out for wedding receptions and parties (on road signs and poles etc) they never get taken down either!!

CuppaTeaJanice · 04/03/2011 13:35

A young guy was killed on a road next to our local park a few years ago. The council let the family plant a tree with a small plaque in his memory. Elsewhere in town, five joyriding teenagers crashed into a wall and tragically all died, and after a year or so of flowers, teddies etc tied to a lamppost, the council put up a small brass plaque with their names on, on the understanding that no more personal tributes would be left.

It would be much better, and safer, for the bereaved families, and less traumatic for people living at accident sites, if something permanent and understated could be installed, whether that be a tree, bush, piece of artwork, plaque etc.

LittleMissHissyFit · 04/03/2011 13:36

Personally, I would prefer to mark a place that the lost one felt happy in, enjoyed and loved, rather than the place that took them from me.

I do agree with the Ghost Bikes though, where a bike sprayed white is placed everywhere a cyclist is killed.

IMO, a death tribute with teddies and flowers is personal to the person or people that lost THAT person, while I know it's not specifically about road safety, and is a personal outpouring of grief, in terms of it's wider application, I doubt that other motorists would resonate with it from a safety perspective.

A white bike is a sober reminder to everyone to practice caution and sensible speed, so in the loss of one person, perhaps other parents, husbands, wives and children, sisters and brothers, may be spared the same dramatic and violent loss.

gallifrey · 04/03/2011 13:37

My friend lost her son in a car accident and she can't even go anywhere near where it happened at all and it was 20 years ago. She would make a massive detour rather than drive down that bit of road.

Ormirian · 04/03/2011 13:37

And as for what harm is it doing? Well none really I suppose apart from the fact that they are unsightly. People aren't usually permitted to leave piles of rotting flowers and paper whereever they feel like. Perhaps if there was a time limit. Otherwise presumably there is a possibility that some roads would be permanently festooned with them.

kerala · 04/03/2011 13:37

YANBU agree with everything the OP has posted. Remember as a child seeing alot of these tributes in southern Europe but they seem to have spread here. They inevitably end up looking tatty and sad and not a fitting or appropriate tribute to anyone.

CrocusesTrulyReign · 04/03/2011 13:50

iamthere I am sorry for your loss.

How awful for you to have experienced this.

I agree that dead flowers/worn memorials are not respectful. Could a flowering tree on the site provide a small comfort to the bereaved?

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 13:50

isnt about you op,is about closure and grief and how this manifests for some folk

gobbledegoop · 04/03/2011 13:50

My mum died on the resus table at my local hospital, i never go in there and put flowers down, i'm sure it would really piss the nurses and doctors off after a while...

I don't like roadside tributes at all, they often look old and unsightly. I do understand why people do it but as others have said, that's what graves are for.

Pennies · 04/03/2011 13:56

YANBU. Horrible things. Seems to be very a la mode following the public outpouring of grief after Diana died.

chippy47 · 04/03/2011 13:56

Seeing young victims friends' leaving cans of lager tends to wind me up -but may have misunderstood the sentiment.

cumbria81 · 04/03/2011 14:05

I think they are reminder to drivers to exercise caution. They do make me think when I am driving. I have nothing against them.

SpeedyGonzalez · 04/03/2011 14:05

Lyingwitch, I can't help thinking, upon reading your posts, that your real frustration is that other people just don't seem to think, believe and act like you do. Regardless of the safety issue wrt these tributes (and yes, it's true that advertising hoardings can be just as distracting, if not more so), many of your posts seem to be saying 'me me me, be like me'. As worra said, your statement that "The person who died is not there and I believe that their spirit is with the people they loved, not the spot their life ended." says it all - don't you see that other people believe different things and, for example, for some, the spirit might remain at the place where they died? Or perhaps no spirit but the griever's memories? Or some other idea connected to the place of death?

"I understand that people feel differently, but I don't understand why they have to make the statement on a public highway. It's unnecessarily mawkish and attention-seeking in my view" - I think it's incredibly self-centred to prescribe how other people should grieve and describe their chosen approach in such a judgemental way. Perhaps you are quite a conservative person, maybe even on the introvert side (I'm just guessing here) - does that mean that other people should be prevented from expressing themselves in different ways from you?

legoverlil · 04/03/2011 14:14

I used to find them very tacky but I guess I've mellowed with age as now I'm not phased either way, perhaps if anything they may make other drivers think a bit more.