AIBU to only have one child?

[Slinkysista]

My son is three and I totally adore him, he is wonderful and easily the best thing to ever happen to me. However he is now at the stage where he'll be starting nursery this September and I will at long last have some time to myself. I get no help from either sets of grandparents and my husband is good but basically the whole childcare thing comes down to me, which is more or less fine. Anyway I am excited at the prospect of getting a job and going back to work and having a bit of a life again but at 36 I know if I am going to have anymore children I need to really get my skates on within the next year or so but the big problem is I don't really want to go through that whole baby bit again ( my son didn't sleep through the night for 18 months).
Would I be unreasonable to just leave it at one? Have heard lots of chat about 'lonely onlys' and 'only child syndrome'. I just can't decide

Of course YANBU. My 3yo DS will be an only, and it's for the simple reason that we just don't want any more. Whatever urges we had to parents, DS fulfils them all.
We're able to concentrate all our time, energy and attention fully on him and if that means he's spoilt, so what. He's funny, clever and kind, he deserves to be spoilt. There are a lot worse things to be.

I also have a three year old and he is an only by choice. My family dynamic is just perfect as it is and there is nothing I would change.

My sentiments about him are just the same as jimpisone's about her son. He is the centre of my husband's and my world. He is simply fabulous. He starts pre-prep in September, and I am making the most of our precious last care free days together.

It's ok to say 'so what if he's spoilt' but he's only 3yrs old. You might think differently when you're dealing with a spoilt teenager...though that's certainly not exclusive to only children.

No child should be spoilt...because 'spoilt' means just that or 'ruined' would be another word.

runningwithscissors - here here! that posters post really pissed me off too. they responded in a defensive way because they felt got at as alot of posters were posting positive comments about having one. to the rude poster - noone cares how many you have, we are defending having one as there is alot of bullshit attached with having just one whereby there is not negative bullshit attached with having more than one so we are defending ourselves. running i have secondary inf' too, just given up ttc No.2 as too old, been a long tough journey HOWEVER i love dd to bits, we are very lucky and have a fantastic family life the three of us, she certainly ain't no spoilt self absorbed child, she is gentle, sociable, confident and most of all happy but yes, i am sure there are moments when even she gets a bit lonely, nothing i can do about that, put myself through all kinds of dodgy treatments in my quest to have another child. btw, i have a sister who may as well not exist, we have never liked each other so there is no love or companionship there, may as well be an only child

slinky & catwhiskers - here here! many thanks, appreciated your post, meant alot actually x

I'm an only child and I didn't hate it. I have a very, very close relationship with my DF which is part because I'm the only one and partly because my DM died when I was young.

I would like a sibling and I love that DP is part of a huge family but being an only child has its benefits

I am an only child of an only child mum with an only child. I have only ever been narked at being an only when Mum has chosen to moan about not having grandchildren, at which point I have just pointed out that she should have had more children then!

I do not intend to do that to ds.

Loved being an only. ds is one through choice.

Can't stand my brothers. Feel like an only. All brothers have good relationships with our parents, as do I. I have an only - my son is 10. If I am fortunate to have another, I will not expect my children to be mates. And I am a twin. Haven't spoken to my brother in 2 years, I don't think, except for obligatory Christmas "hello".

Oh - and my mum has lots of photos of us all cuddling as kids. Very diff. people as adults.

I have a 12 year old only DS. He isn't an only by choice, that's just the way it worked out.

He is happy, unspoilt, and fits in beautifully when at any of his many friends houses. He goes to a Catholic school, where only children are very rare, and he never feels like he is 'odd'.

He is lonely sometimes - he'd love to have somebody in his house to play with. I do worry about what happens when DH and I are older - I have health problems that mean that even though DH is 11 years older than me, we're likely to die at similar times. Eats away at me tbh.

There are up and down sides whichever way you go.

I can't give him a sibling, what I can do is try to give him the skills to build close relationships that will take the place of siblings as he grows older.

Only children don't have to be sad, or lonely - but there is the chance they will be. Similarly, children with siblings don't necessarily feel like they have an ally.

You have to do what you feel is right, and accept that whichever path you take may not be perfect.

FWIW - I hate the automatic assumption that only children will be sad, lonely, spoilt. Many parents of only ones try very hard to ensure that situation never happens. I'll tell you in 20 years whether DH and I got it right.

Add me to the list of onlys who hated it, I also used to drem up imaginary siblings and once told a new friend of mine that I did have a sister .

I have 3 DC's for this reason. But it's not the end of the world, I have my own family and I'm doing fine depite the fact that I used to play Monopoly against myself ,

Hi Slinkysista

I have two ds, my first was the same age (3) as yours when i had my second. I am just writing as much as I love both boys I do feel that special bond and easygoing time I have with my first has been shattered. It is now a matter of (mainly) trying to deal with their relationship and steer it along negotiating potential pitfalls, fights, bickering etc whereas with one i could like you said just go with the flow and do lots of fun things. It is hard, and I feel selfish saying that, a bit. It is a relief to see them seperately, today the younger was alseep and it was a joy to get a glimpse of how it used to be. I also enjoy just having ds2 whan the older is at school but have to completely change gear for after school. I miss him loads at school but it is just the practicalities of dealing with two on the school run which daunts me.

I miss the simplicity and spontanaeity of having one child. Trying to co-ordinate two (or more) in this world is tricky, especially with school times /naps etc. Mind you my youngest is 2 and I have just started to see them playing more together a bit. For ages it was just awful as the younger used to just run about screaming wanting the older's toys which were too old for him, the older found it hard to get a chance to use them and no-one was happy.

Like i said I love them both but sometimes think of how my life would be now and think should have stuck with one. Also feel like could have had more of a social life for ds1 as at present can't really cope with other children round for tea, clubs etc with the toddler.

Although I can see that it will get easier as they get older- it is more the aby / toddler phase where we have had to revolve around the little one. I guess it is good in way for them to think about another's needs though (try telling them that when they just want to go to the after school rollerdisco till 7 though

I'm a mum of one. My DS is autistic and frankly wouldn't be interested in siblings. If I had another child now i'd be making the new one into an extra carer for him. That seems unfair.

I have no desire for another child - the chance of ASD is also a decision.

I would point out that I'm one of 3 myself and I still bear the scar of where my horrible sisters drew blood. We didn't get on then and we don't get on now

Like moonbells, I'm an only child of an only child with an only child.

And we love it.

(ps, SparkyDuchesse, bizarrely, we are in Italy, where (obviously) it doesn't get any more Catholic, and only children far outnumber those with siblings, for a variety of reasons, economic mainly....and seemingly the fact that no matter what the guy in the white frock says people are going to make their own decisions I've just totted up and in dd's class there are 24 children, of whom 2 are twins, 3 have siblings and the rest are onlies)

I am an onlie and hated it for all the reasons above and still resent my mother....

However, I think that had more to do with my dysfunctional parents and eventually their divorce......

I know lots of onlies now, and they seem to be pretty happy with their lot. And I know my DC sometimes wish they were onlies

My mum married another man when I was 1 and he had custody of his son who was two he lived with us for 2 years but then his mum wanted him back despite him not knowing her she got custody. I was then alone till age 13, I hated it me and my step brother didnt always get on but without him was horrid.

All the parents with single older children I know have told me in hindsight they wish they had another.

some people can only have one child. I won't be able to afford another round of IVF. If my DS ends up being an only child I really won't mind. Some things are unavoidable.

YANBU....if you don't want another child you don't have to. It sounds like you are happy with your situation, happy with your life and you mind is made up.

Sorry, but am I the only person to feel faintly upset by the postings by only children which imply that you are failing as a mother by only having one kid? Maybe that's not what squeakytoy and others intend in their posts, but the way it reads to me its like its a mother's duty to provide her child with siblings and hang the consequences for her, financial, emotional, social, whatever. For what its worth, I grew up with one full sibling and two half siblings and I didn't have a terribly good relationship with any of them when I was young in fact a lot of the time I wished I was an only child. Maybe this has coloured my judgement, but having a sibling doesn't automatically guarantee you're going to like or benefit from having that sibling. But more than that its the broader implication and I know you don't say this explicitly but its implied -- that you're failing your child by failing to provide siblings. I have one child and for a number of reasons (primarily age and financial situation) I almost certainly won't have any more. Does this mean I'm a bad mother? Or that as an older first time mother I should have forgone this right because I knew I couldn't provide my DD with siblings?

I have a brother. We don't get on as adults, but although we fought lots as children/teenagers I did love having a brother and we were very close. Although we are not at all close now, he does help out with our parents. It is easier to look after parents if there is more than 1 of you doing this.

BUT I also knew siblings who genuinely would have been happy for the other sibling not to exist and adult siblings where 1 child is left to do all the caring.

I don't think a friend is the same as a sibling - sorry but I really think it is a different kind of relationship.

But, you really can't predict whether your child would be happier in the long run with a sibling or not so happy with one. So much of this is down to individual personalities. Its like when people criticise couples who don't have children by saying they will be lonely in old age. Some adult children look after their parents brilliantly, others ignore them, or worse. Or when someone asks you what it is like to have a baby - of course it depends on the baby and the parents.

So I think in the end you have to do whatever seems best for you and your OH.

Its like deciding to have a baby. No one can really tell you whether you would in the long run have been happier being childless or whether you would always regret not having a child. Some things you really can't make a logical decision on and you just have to do what feels right for you and your OH.

And just to say, that although I had a brother, I begged my mum to have a baby when I was about 10 or 11. My best friends mum had a baby at this age and I was jealous of her and her younger sister. My mum didn't have another baby. So even if you do have a second child, your children may wish you had more/children of a different gender or age.

As a parent of an enfant unique, you just use your common sense.
DS is a joyfully happy child, and displays none of the stereotypes that people love to trot out about only children.
We welcome other children to play - don't be one of those parents who shudder at having othe people's children in your house and moan about what they do and don't eat . We have little parties fo all sorts of events - pancake day etc. Make friends with lots of othe families n the area - we go weekend camping with seveal other families. When choosing holiday accommodation we tend to look for somewhere with a shared pool and Ds has always made friends with a little gang.

Occasionally (wink) families with more than one child get exasperated with the sibling quarrelling that goes on and are more than happy to let one play with a child of the same age and sex so that they can spend quality time with the other. I also make sure that if I am swapping childcare - say in school hols - I sometimes take the whole of a family, all 3 kids, not just the one that is friends with DS, so that the other paents gets all thoer childcare done, just as I do if they have mone.

Once you view your local community as extended family, lovely things happen - attending the local school, within walking distance of freinds helps too.

But our family is happy, feels joyful and complete - and having listened to other peolpe's expeiences I will make sure that all arrangements f our old age and care are made well in advance and DS is not landed.