AIBU to only have one child?

[Slinkysista]

My son is three and I totally adore him, he is wonderful and easily the best thing to ever happen to me. However he is now at the stage where he'll be starting nursery this September and I will at long last have some time to myself. I get no help from either sets of grandparents and my husband is good but basically the whole childcare thing comes down to me, which is more or less fine. Anyway I am excited at the prospect of getting a job and going back to work and having a bit of a life again but at 36 I know if I am going to have anymore children I need to really get my skates on within the next year or so but the big problem is I don't really want to go through that whole baby bit again ( my son didn't sleep through the night for 18 months).
Would I be unreasonable to just leave it at one? Have heard lots of chat about 'lonely onlys' and 'only child syndrome'. I just can't decide

It's interesting to read how many parents say their children are not missing out and that they are perfectly fine etc...and then in total contrast to read how many only children hated having no siblings.

My eldest was an only child until he was 7 1/2yrs old and I think having two siblings was the making of him. He absolutely dotes on them.

Yes Buzz - in fact I think I'll say it again, a bit louder this time:
Sensitive subject this - it would be nice if people were a leetle more careful how they word things!

slinky I'm an only child and I loved it! I would have hated having brothers or sisters, I got so much love and attention off my parents! We were not particularly well-off when I was growing up but I never went without anything that I really wanted (I got to make fantastic birthday and Xmas lists) but my mum and dad didnt spoil me the rest of the time. I never felt lonely, on holiday etc I would happily go and chat to other children which IMO is better than only having your sibling to talk to, and I was happy playin cards or board games with my parents. I think you should do whatever is right for your family, I would say with only 1 child you need to spend more time with them, but as long as you are happy doing this they should never be lonely! I'm currently pregnant with my first, I would like to only have the 1 but my husband would like loads of kids so it's a decision we will take together over the next few years. Don't let anyone else dictate what will work for your family!

I too was a 'lonely only' though I had lovely parents,lots of friends,cousins etc.I longed for a sibling all my childhood-even invented stories about imaginary ones.As an adult I wish I had someone who shared my memories of my parents and grandparents-someone who is family in a very central way.I always vowed I wouldnt have an 'only' myself[had 2dc].My dd-i-l only wanted one child though so my dgd is an only one too.remember mother love expands to encompass all dc you have.

worraliberty - I can say that though because I was an only myself and loved it :-)

To those of you who grew up as onlies - were you close to your cousins? And, if so, do you think it made a difference to any feelings of loneliness you had as an only child?

DP and I are very unlikely to have another child for medical reasons. We're gutted but consoling ourselves with the thought that he'll hopefully be close to his cousins, who we live very near to and see all the time.

OP, you're not being unreasonable in the slightest. However, if part of the reason for you being put off having another little one is lack of help from your DH, maybe you should have a word with him about that?

You shouldn't base your decision to have another child on how your dc might feel in the future. It is not fair to place that responsibility on their shoulders. It is your decision, based upon how you feel now. You may feel differently in a year or so, sometimes these decisions come to you in time.

What thumbwitch said.

Please don't make the assumption that everyone CHOOSES to have only one child! Or that the child will turn out selfish, lonely and antisocial.

My 9 year old goes on holiday every year with her friend who is an only child. She also looks longingly at her possessions which i could not afford to buy

Her friend also spends a lot of time at my house and seems to like playing with the 2 younger ones. She probably wouldnt if she lived with them though.

I dont regret having 3 but it is hard to spend quality time with all of them

People have reasons for their decisons and of course YANBU. However as an only myself I can only completely echo what Squeaky says and say that my DS (who I adore and would happily lavish 100% of my time and attention on) will definitely not be an only (if it is in my power).

I would also wonder whether being an only is potentially tougher for a boy. I only know one only male and he is odd but that is hardly representative My musings on this point are based more on my observations that it can be harder for men to form deep friendships/confidences in the way that women often do. I'm speaking purely from my own experiences where almost all of my female friends at times worry that their DH/DP's do not have any really close friends in the way that they do.

I was pretty close to my cousins (and two boys who were the children of my parents' best friends), but not in a sibling way. I was closer to my friends - I'm a passionate believer in being with people you've chosen to rather than just because you share genes!

I wasn't a lonely child - I had good friends, and was a bookworm so I spent a lot of time reading, and having adventures on my own in the garden using my very active imagination!

SarahBumBarer - that's possibly true about men, but my DH isn't really close to his brother either. Seems closer to his friends to me.

Geriatricbabymama - my mother grew up in the same house as two of her cousins but somehow this didn't make any difference to her feelings of aloneness. She thought that they didn't get on because they weren't her brother and sister; not because that's just what happens in many families! She also had 6 other cousins living fairly close by.

YABU to think there's anything unreasonable in wanting one child. I wasn't aware of it until I had just the one DS.... but there is some terrible anti-only-child prejudice out there. Some of it quite irrational with hackneyed themes like 'selfishness', 'loneliness', 'social misfits' and 'only child syndrome' (wtf?!). No need to look too far for the next serial killer it seems. Just round up anyone without siblings in a 10 mile radius!

You're lucky because you have a child and you have choices. Other people don't have either. I say count your blessings, do as you please and stand by your decisions.

No, you are not unreasonable to just have one child, but you would be unreasonable to base this decision on what anyone else (apart from your husband) says. In fact I'm a bit surprised you would ask a bunch on strangers to help with what is an intensely personal decision.

This is one of those situations where you have to do what is right for you.

Just to balance things out a bit: I'm a very happy 31 year-old only 'child'.

I had a wonderful childhood with parents who always took the time to play with me and I can't remember feeling lonely even once.

In adulthood I find that I am independent and am probably a bit more comfortable in my own company than most of my friend who had siblings (not that they're attention junkies or anything!)

Have to say, though, I have a very close group of lifelong girlfriends, which I'm sure makes a massive difference to any feelings of loneliness I might otherwise have had.

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you don't create a new person purely to theoretically prevent your existing child from being lonely

There has just been a study done which has concluded that the fewer children there are in a family the happier those children are (cant link but heard on radio 4 so must be true ). They also tend to be more successful (Natalie Portman has put her success down to being an only child). Also its hardly as if there arent enough people around...so its definitely the greener choice!

Erm ... I was pretty lonely, antisocial and spoilt as an only child, actually. My parents certainly didn't want me to be like that, it's just what happened - I was an only child, only grandchild and only neice on my mum's side. My parents wanted more children. They couldn't.

I'm fully aware of the anti-only child prejudice ("so why are you an only then? Why didn't you mum have more - how selfish!I bet you were spoilt" etc etc but there is an element of truth behind it - in my own, personal experience.

Such a sensitive subject.

I am an only child, not sure why, my mum never really discusses why they decided to stop at one, particularly as she had me at 18.

I never felt hugely disadvantaged, but it can be lonely, and I do worry about my parents quite a lot. I would say I am a happy, confident person, but I would have preferred a sibling, if it had been up to me, tbh.

I have two dc, my dd is 3.10yo and my ds is 15mo. I am almost jealous of the bond that they already have, and the knowledge that although they may not get on, they will always have that link to each other. I am undecided as to whether I want any more dc, but I suppose this answers your question: I would never have wanted dd to be an only child.

And on the baby front, dd still doesn't sleep through the night, yet ds has slept through since he was 9 weeks old. It wasn't easy, I'm not a fan of the baby stage, but it really is such a short period of time.

Do whatever feels right for you and your family, everyone brings their own agenda to this subject, and it will just confuse you even more, imho.

When my DS got to 3, we started thinking about whether to have another. Neither of us had any burning desire, but we thought that if we were going to try again, we should get on with it.

DS2 is now 18 months old. I love him to bits, he's a beautiful little person and I wouldn't be without him. BUT it has changed the dynamic of our family - DS1 is 5 and really interesting - we have interesting conversations and my enjoyment of the things he does is not just vicarious. DS2 does limit that, and DS1 does miss out.

Like the OP, DS1 has pseudo-siblings - close friends who live very near by - so I don't feel that he would have missed out on close relationships if we hadn't had DS2. However, DS1 and DS2 can be really lovely together. DS2 loves to copy DS1, and then can be really funny playing silly games. And I'm hopeful that as DS2 gets bigger and becomes an interesting person himself that I will feel that the benefits outweigh the downsides from DS1's perspective!

Just to add, my dad and my MIL are also both only children and are both happy, well-balanced and outgoing. MIL is particularly gobby erm talkative. She is the absolute antithesis of stereotype attributed to only children.

"Most of the 'onlys' I have encountered are spoilt and self absorbed"

That's a lovely thing to post, especially when secondary infertility is a real issue for many....you're effectively saying to many of us that, not only do we have to deal with infertility, but that our kids are going to grow up to be horrible people

op,read this thread then do your own sweet thing.fgs dont act upon advice received online. chew it over by all means but really,words on a screen shouldnt determine a life changing choice

I couldn't imagine only having one. My DCs play together and have lots of fun. Their little lives are so much more fulfilled from having siblings.