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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to only have one child?

157 replies

Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 11:45

My son is three and I totally adore him, he is wonderful and easily the best thing to ever happen to me. However he is now at the stage where he'll be starting nursery this September and I will at long last have some time to myself. I get no help from either sets of grandparents and my husband is good but basically the whole childcare thing comes down to me, which is more or less fine. Anyway I am excited at the prospect of getting a job and going back to work and having a bit of a life again but at 36 I know if I am going to have anymore children I need to really get my skates on within the next year or so but the big problem is I don't really want to go through that whole baby bit again ( my son didn't sleep through the night for 18 months).
Would I be unreasonable to just leave it at one? Have heard lots of chat about 'lonely onlys' and 'only child syndrome'. I just can't decide Sad

OP posts:
mumsgotatum · 04/03/2011 12:16

YANBU as it is ultimately up to you BUT to echo squeakytoy I am an only and have always hated it. I absoulutely longed for a sibling and still do. It's taken a lot of time and heartache really to come to terms with the fact I will never have a brother or sister. When I had DS It was my mission that he would not be an only...now we have been blessed with DD2 and he loves her and she loves him. You will never regret having a baby.
Also when we get old they will have each other. My DP lost his parents and luckily he had 2 brothers and they all helped each other through it. Right now my parents live far away and before I had my own family it felt so lonely to basically be on my own....no there's no way i would put my child through the experience of being an only. Blood siblings might not always get on but you'd never wish them gone

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2011 12:16

I hated it as an adult, because when my parents died, I had to make all the decisions and had nobody to take any of the burden away.

Squeaky I know what you mean - I am an only and that side of it does really bother me, particularly since my 'D'H has not interest in my family and I imagine will be totally unsupportive when the time comes. Sending you a big un-mumsnetty hug too re: the rest.

I must admit aside from the above being an 'only doesn't bother me and never did as a child, although I always wanted more than 1 child myself. As it turns out I have just the 1 DD who will be 7 this year and she will more than likely be my only one.

She loves being an only child. She has lots of friends and is great with their younger siblings but has no desire for any of her own.

We had our first long summer holidays last year and did lots of lovely things and I found my friends with more than 1 child envied me because I didn't have to curtail our activities because of younger/older siblings and their requirements. In fact we went out with her cousins at the weekend and as much as I love them I can't say it's an experience I'd care to repeat Grin.

Personally I would say that unless you get a real burning desire to have another child - don't bother - it really isn't compulsory.

Original poster
Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 12:17

No it doesn't really feel complete I suppose.
Skidd I am totally daunted Sad

OP posts:
loftyclodflop · 04/03/2011 12:17

Those of you who whinge about being an only have no idea of the trauma involved in being the second of four children. I'm thinking of setting up a support group for us ...

solooovely · 04/03/2011 12:17

I was a bit nervous about having my second as I went through a really rough time with my first (for many horrific reasons) and wasn't very well mentally and the thought of the extra tiredness, stress and pressure of someone else demanding on me were quite scary and I honestly didn't know how I would cope.

But I had to weigh that up against how I would feel in years to come if I didn't have another one . . . and so I did!

It was difficult for a while but I was so pleased I did it. It is amazing how much love you have to go around! My 2 children are the most amazing little things and it fills me with happiness watching how happy they make each other. They are such good friends and really love each other.

Never regretted it for a second.

So I think that's the thing to do. Decide which one option you would regret most in 5/10 years time.

Rhian82 · 04/03/2011 12:18

I'm an only child and I loved it. There's no definite on good or bad - some will love being an only, some will hate it. Some will love siblings, some will hate them. For every only who says they hated having to deal with their parents' illness and deaths alone there's someone whose siblings made a difficult time a million times harder.

My mum was one of four, my dad one of three - they chose to have an only child. I was an only and have also chosen that DS will be an only. You can only do what's right for you and your family.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2011 12:19

I must just add, that although even now, I do sometimes feel the lack of a sibling when dealing with my parents etc, in RL I know plenty of people who have siblings they either don;t get on with, or who are no practical help to them when the chips are down anyway.

Siblings do not guarantee love and support on tap unfortunately.

HappyMummyOfOne · 04/03/2011 12:20

I hated growing up in a household where there was no one to one time, no time for help with homework, no money etc so love only having one child myself.

No arguments to referee, no moaning at each other, no favouritism, no being dragged to each others activities etc as I see siblings doing at school etc.

Personal choice, you do what makes you happy rather than what people expect you to do.

skidd · 04/03/2011 12:24

skinky - it is daunting - everyone is nervous about how having another child will change family dynamics. If you imagine 20 years into the future with just your DS - does that sounds like the kind of future you want? If so, then great

But having said that, I think all the things that are hard about having more DC pale into insignificance when you see your DC loving each other. DS1 (3) said to DD (5) yesterday: 'I miss you when you're at school because I love you, you beautiful' and heart melting doesn't even come close

wisecamel · 04/03/2011 12:24

I had no idea only children have such a hard time. Aren't there any out there who were happy and have raised just one child themselves?

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 12:25

some tired ole cliches about spoiled only etc are just that,throw away silly comments.dont let others influence such a big decision.

prgamatically
do you both want to (isnt solely about mum)
can you afford it
how will it affect work/career

i know plenty parents delighted with one
and plenty children not bothered by being singleton

wisecamel · 04/03/2011 12:25

Sorry Rhian82 cross post - you answered my question!

Original poster
Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 12:27

Skidd I am tearing up, that's so lovely!

OP posts:
GMajor7 · 04/03/2011 12:28

there's no way i would put my child through the experience of being an only

Oops. DD is and will remain an only. I'm 37 (not betting any younger), had a birth experience I will never get over and know that we would REALLY struggle to afford a second.

Yep. Fell really fucking great now Hmm

GMajor7 · 04/03/2011 12:29

*Feel!

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 12:31

Sensitive subject this - it would be nice if people were a leetle more careful how they word things!

Original poster
Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 12:31

I left work when I had my son and yes we can definitely afford it in the financial sense.
I hate to admit this but sometimes I feel so trapped by motherhood, I hope you all don't take that the wrong way. I am a very good mother and my son is cared for like an egg but it's so much harder than I imagined.
Please don't think badly of me for saying that Sad

OP posts:
fifi25 · 04/03/2011 12:31

My mam was an only child with oldish parents and hated it, she had 4 of us.

I think my eldest daughter should have been an only child and would have been happier to have all the attention lavished on her instead of between 3 of them. She does not like either of her younger sisters.

Doesnt really help Smile

solooovely · 04/03/2011 12:34

No one's going to think badly of you for saying that. It is much harder then I expected too. Still glad I had another though. I feel that I get better at it as time goes on.

skidd · 04/03/2011 12:34

everyone feel trapped slinky (I think) - you are trapped - sometimes in a lovely way, sometimes not. FWIW I think that feeling of being trapped is strongest with your first because you can still remember what freedom was like Grin. With my 3rd I went out about twice in the first six months with DH and didn;t mind at all - it also goes much quicker with subsequent DC IME

fifi25 · 04/03/2011 12:37

i dont feel trapped as such but i feel like im stuck in groundhog day most days Smile

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 12:39

your emotions are legitimate,if you feel it as trapped then that is your personal lived experience.and no amount of mums effusing how enhancing and great it is to have many can alter that

dont take this wrong way,but you wont find true or sensible answer asking others.this just polarises people.have seen mn threads where posters opine single child is a dreadful thing

listen to yourself,your experience and gut feeling

coccyx · 04/03/2011 12:42

I loved having sisters and love having 4 children. They are not neglected in any way. they learn way more being/having siblings.
Most of the 'onlys' I have encountered are spoilt and self absorbed

BarbieLovesKen · 04/03/2011 12:43

Sorry, didnt read all just yet (but will do). Hmm.. a tough one - the right and decent answer would probably be "oh of course not..etc.." and well, yes - of course you arent being unreasonable - thats the wrong word. If you and your dh dont want another child it would probably be more unreasonable to go ahead with it (and not fair on that child).

That said, as an only child myself, I cant help but look at this from the child's perspective and to be honest, in my own experience, (and given the choice) I would never, ever have choosen to be an "only".

I feel exactly as squeakytoy put it. I am completely aware of how lucky I am to be able to have children but must admit I hate every second of pregnancy. Like you, there are so many things I prefer about getting past the small baby stage but, to be honest in the grand scheme of things, those 18 months or so are teeny and regardless of all this, Im pregnant with number 3 (and last!) as I couldnt bear to have "an only" (when I had the choice, obviously this does not apply to anyone with fertility problems). It helps that I absolutely adore number 2 and 3 too Grin.

I find that the majority of only children would rather have had siblings, I'd bear that in mind when thinking this one out.

BuzzLiteBeer · 04/03/2011 12:46

agree with you thumbwitch, would also help if even the OP bothered to read posts properly.
poster: I'm really sad that I have no blood relatives and it looks likt I'll never have children
OP; how many kids you got?
Hmm

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