AIBU to only have one child?

[Slinkysista]

My son is three and I totally adore him, he is wonderful and easily the best thing to ever happen to me. However he is now at the stage where he'll be starting nursery this September and I will at long last have some time to myself. I get no help from either sets of grandparents and my husband is good but basically the whole childcare thing comes down to me, which is more or less fine. Anyway I am excited at the prospect of getting a job and going back to work and having a bit of a life again but at 36 I know if I am going to have anymore children I need to really get my skates on within the next year or so but the big problem is I don't really want to go through that whole baby bit again ( my son didn't sleep through the night for 18 months).
Would I be unreasonable to just leave it at one? Have heard lots of chat about 'lonely onlys' and 'only child syndrome'. I just can't decide

-have to agree about the spoilt only child remarks. I definately wasnt spoilt as we simply did not have the money for me to be spoilt. I was actually an extremely quite, polite and well behaved child (if I do say so myself!!). DD was "on her own" until she was 4.5 and completely spoilt by us, grannys and grandads, aunts etc.. yet very well behaved and is exactly the same child (behaviour wise) now that she has a little brother and I expect she will be the same when this one arrives too.

Think behaviour is down to child's personality/ parenting/ other factors etc..

me too Barbie, really well behaved wee thing I was! And certainly not "spoilt" - not like my classmate who used to scream and kick her mother if she didn't get her own way. She was the eldest of three

No.

OP, before you had your DS, did you and your DH have any idea of what your completed family would look like? Did you always expect to have more than one DC? If so, I would suggest it's just your dread of reliving a difficult period over again that's putting you off. As others have said, if that's what's stopping you, it will be finite. There are pro's and con's to all family types. Do whatever you and your DH feel is right for your family. You can't anticipate what effect another child will have on your existing family, but if you want another or want your DS to have a sibling, you just have to go for it.

Those who are saying only children get spoilt, what is spoilt?
As an only I had loads of toys and possessions and didn't have to share them but I didn't get much attention from my mother and had quite a miserable childhood with my nasty stepfather. I never had a holiday until I was 22 and if it hadn't been for my grandparents there would have been no trips to the seaside etc so I am very grateful to them for that.
I don't feel sorry for myself, that's just the way things were but is it having lots of material possessions that makes a child spoilt or too much attention from their parents?

Ooh yes - maxpower asks an excellent question..

I am not an only child.

However, unfortunately, I didn't get on well with my sister growing up, didn't have much in common with her, don't remember playing with her. Still don't have much in common. (And if I'm honest, I'm not even sure she'd be especially helpful in dealing with infirm parents, if and when that time comes). So there go all the reasons that squeakytoy and others have listed for having another child.

I would say, do not have a second child for the sake of your first child. You cannot guarantee that they will get on (and you may even end up feeling resentful if they don't, if that was your reason). Have another child if you want another.

You sound like a lovely mother and it sounds like you and your son have a really good relationship. If you have another baby do it because you want another child not for your son to have a sibling, it sounds to me that you would make sure he wasn't a lonely only anyhow.

Exactly minipie. My cousin has emigrated to NZ and made it pretty clear shes not interested in the family she has left behind. Fair enough but if her mother had any idealised ideas about her 2 children's relationship as adults thats pretty much not going to happen.

I am an only child. My mother was an only child. My son is an only child.
I love being an only child - always have done, always will do. We are a very close knit happy family.
I love the way that I never got shoved off with siblings to do "kid stuff" whilst my parents had more fun. My childhood was always inclusive and I got to travel and experience things in life that would never have happened if I had just been one of a pack of "the kids".
I really love the fact that I have never had to deal with sibling crap which seems to plague some people for a lifetime.
I love the confidence being an only child gave me to make plenty of friends on MY terms and not be a needy nelly when it comes to companionship and relationships. I am very indepedent and have been travelling the world (very often alone) since I was 16.
I love the fact that my family is so close and that my relationship with my parents has always been so intimate.
My son is nearly 4 and is a wonderfully sociable little boy with loads of friends. He is confident and happy and in no way disadvantged by being an only. The complete opposite actually.

It is really important for your son to have a happy and fulfilled mum. If you feel the need to get back to work then do it without any guilt.

Just popped back to say, if I seemed anti-only in my pp, in my defence I had no contact at all with my 2 half-sibs (they were in a different country, we had never met. I have a nice relationship with my sis but my brother is dead) until my late 20s so this may also colour my view a bit. The friends/relatives I have who are geniune "onlies" are more comfortable with their lack of siblings.

My sister and one of our cousins are VERY close, I would say as close as if they were sisters. They have always lived round the corner from each other, seen each other every day etc, so if there is extended family the only child may not be lonely at all :) It's also much more common to be an only now, I was the only only in my class at school.

There is huge pressure to have more than one but only you and dh know what you want.

We said after dd was born that she would be an only child but at 2.75 she was playing so well with others and I felt sad when I took her to the park and others with siblings wouldn't play with her even though she wanted to. After a lot of soul searching, dh and I decided our family perhaps could have a 2nd child and I am now pg (with twins!). We are very happy and clearly somebody is having a bit of a laugh with us, but we know it'll be fine - but life will be very different than planned!

However, this is what works for us. It was hard to seperate the expectations of others for us to have 2 and what we really wanted. I have a brother but we're not close and were very different so I think people often think the grass is greener.

I apologise in advance if I'm just repeating what other people have said/being contrary - I haven't read the rest of the thread.

It sounds like you don't want to have another child? So who, exactly, will you be getting pregnant for? Having sleepless nights for? Going through childbirth for?

I'm in EXACTLY the same situation as you (DS 3, DH and realising that it's final, final, no turning back decision time), and we are sticking with one. Because we just don't want to have another (I know that's an alien concept to many, so apologies if it sounds callous). Personally, I think if you don't in your heart want another, then it would be a big mistake to have one just because it seems to be the norm/everyone else is doing it/to give your child something to play with.

Ultimately, for every "lonely only" story, there's another story about an independent, well-adjusted, socially advanced only. Your DS is going to benefit the most from having loving, happy parents, and if having another child is going to put a strain on the settled family you have now, then the benefits of having another will soon be outweighed...

Not all children grow up to get along with their siblings, and I genuinely think as long as you are proactive in fostering the friendships of your DS, then everything will be fine!

Its very interesting to read others views on this, as I have very few friends who are only children themselves. Virtually all of my friends have siblings.

What I didnt mention this morning on my post, is that one of the reasons I am an only child, is that I was adopted. Not that this was ever an issue to me as a child, it was just a unique part of me that made me special and I never had hang ups about it.

It has brought problems though as I have got older. My parents were always my parents, and I never thought of them as anything else. I have never had any real urge to find my birth mother. I know the circumstances of my birth, and understand her reasons. Or thought I did until just before my mum died. I did a bit of searching on the internet, as you do.. and found out I had 2 half brothers, born before me, and that really threw me. I have no idea where they are and am sure they know nothing at all about me, so I am still an only child.

My dad was an only, and my mum had one sister, who was living in S Africa when I was growing up, so I never knew my cousins until I was 8 and they came back to England. Even then they lived 200 miles away, so we only saw each other a couple of times a year. I dont have any contact with them now, and feel that, as I was adopted, they dont see me as a blood relative anyway. I have no contact with any of my fathers family (his cousins) as again, they dont see me as being a part of the real family.

I did only cover the negative parts of being an only this morning. I am sure it had its positive sides too.. I think it helped me to be more confident in life, because I had no to stick up for me, I had to do it for myself. I spent more time with adults, so find it easy to converse with them. I do think you grow up quicker as an only child.

I dont think anyone is being reasonable or unreasonable to only have one. For many people, it isnt a matter of choice, and I appreciate that, but I did want to express my personal perspective on how it felt to me growing up as an only child, and how I still feel about it even now at 40.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, I will do in a moment before someone sticks me in the stocks and starts pelting me with rotten tomatoes

I grew up an only child and it didn't bother me in the slightest. I had friends I could play with when I wanted to but I enjoyed my own company as well. I loved reading and nearly always had my nose stuck in a book so one of the advantages, for me, of being an only child was there was no one to bother me when I was reading.

I do have two children but not because I was an only but because it was what felt right for me.

YANBU you must do what feels right for you.

OP - I agree with all those who have said that you should only have another child if you and your DH really want another, and not just to "save" your DS from being an only child.

My DD, now 8, is an only child and unless I have a huge change of heart within the next couple of years (am 40) she'll stay one. I had always envisaged that I'd have 2 DC and until DD was around 4 even bought a lot of her clothes gender neutrally in case I then had a son. We very briefly started TTC when DD was 4. But I suddenly realised that this was not what I really wanted - or at least that I couldn't manage another without making some radical changes to my life.

My DH would have loved to have another. But we both work full time in very demanding (though fulfilling) jobs, and there are only just enough hours in the day as it is. We couldn't cope with having another without one of us changing jobs and going part time which neither of us really want to do. Would you be able to do the job you want to with 2DC or would everyone (DC, DH, you and your job) all end up being short changed?

DD is happy and well adjusted and doesn't want a sibling, at the moment at least. Most of her friends have younger siblings and she finds them annoying. She has a lot of non-school friends and is close to her cousins - she loves playing with them but also is happy spending time with us and doing her own thing (art, crafts, reading).

I hated being pg and didn't much enjoy the first 18 months either so no doubt that did affect my thinking a bit. But as others have said, that is a short period in the grand scheme of things.

My DH feels we will live to regreat not having another child, but I think you can only do what seems best at the time. He also thinks that if something dreadful happened to DD we'd kick ourselves for not having had another, but I don't think you should have a child as an insurance policy!

Good luck with this difficult decision...

If you don't want another child then you shouldn't be pressured to have one. I'm an only child and although I would have loved siblings I don't think it has ever held me back. I vehemently disagree with the "spoilt" argument. Only children get more attention, I'm not sure they get more toys or clothes because they never get a "go" at something a sibling asked for and they didn't especially want. I have two DC who get along very well. I was from a relatively privileged background and probably could have had more or less what I wanted and so do our DC. Oddly, I find it hard to persuade my dc to tell me what they want so I can buy them something. On the other hand I have friends who had very little but who are possessive and greedy and seem to want lots and lots of things.

Its interesting to read the difference experiences of being an only child. I hated it, still do. I always felt it put all the pressure on me and was a huge responsibility when my Dad was ill and then sadly died.

I would never, ever, ever have considered having one child but clearly not all onlys feel this way, maybe it more to do with parenting than the numbers!! And it must make for an easier life as bickering siblings are a nightmare!!

OP, YANBU. My oldest friend is an only (not by her parents' choice - they couldn't have any more) and is probably the best-adjusted person I know. I also have two other friends who are onlies: they worry a bit about elderly parents, but on the whole they don't wish that they'd had siblings.

DH and I have only DS: I don't want another and couldn't if I wanted to as we depend on my job, which is looking a bit precarious, and DH is OK with that. We were both bookworm children: we both have siblings, but I frankly wished I didn't (though I'm fond of them as an adult!). It just puts more of an obligation on us to make sure DS has a social life and other children to play with from early on.

Slinkysista, if you're not happy in your marriage why are you even thinking of having another child? That seems to me to be a far bigger issue.

Sorry, posted too soon - I meant to reiterate what others on this thread have said about definitely not having another child for the sake of your DS. It sounds as though the only reason you're thinking of having another child is that you want to do the right thing by him. He might not thank you for it!

DS is our only and as we were told we were unlikely to be able to have children, we count our blessings every day. He is a sociable, outgoing, little chap, he isn't spoilt and told us he doesn't want a brother or sister but his guinea pigs will do nicely !!

I'm the youngest of 3 and we aren't particularly close, just do what is right for you and your family.

Slippersandpjsmum - I'm sorry to read your experience but I have a sibling and he lives in Canada with his Canadian wife. They are very unlikely to ever move back. If my parents were to get ill I know I would be in an only child situation.

Similarly, my dad is dealing with my 92-year-old grandmother and her dementia at the moment. He promised his father on his death bed 25 years ago that he would care for his mum, and is keeping his word He is from a family of five, however one is in Australia, one in America and 2 miles away in the UK - so apart from emails updating them on her condition and a constant fear one of them will accuse him of messing with her finances and ruining their inheritance as he has had to take them on (she can't even write a cheque or remember how to put socks on), he mights as well be an only child in the instance.

I just think, the grass is always greener. I had an identical twin and wonder what life would have been like but never in huge detail as it does no good. I know my parents love me and do their best with me and that is what is important.

2 of them live miles away (not just 2 miles away!)