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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to only have one child?

157 replies

Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 11:45

My son is three and I totally adore him, he is wonderful and easily the best thing to ever happen to me. However he is now at the stage where he'll be starting nursery this September and I will at long last have some time to myself. I get no help from either sets of grandparents and my husband is good but basically the whole childcare thing comes down to me, which is more or less fine. Anyway I am excited at the prospect of getting a job and going back to work and having a bit of a life again but at 36 I know if I am going to have anymore children I need to really get my skates on within the next year or so but the big problem is I don't really want to go through that whole baby bit again ( my son didn't sleep through the night for 18 months).
Would I be unreasonable to just leave it at one? Have heard lots of chat about 'lonely onlys' and 'only child syndrome'. I just can't decide

OP posts:

worraliberty · 04/03/2011 13:29

To be fair, my eldest was far more spoilt too when he was an only. I really didn't realise just how much I was spoiling him. I was also a helicopter parent of the highest degree..again I didn't realise until the other two came along.

I didn't have as much time and money to helicopter and spoil the two youngest and they are way more independent than my eldest was as a child.

catwhiskers10 · 04/03/2011 13:30

I'm an only child and have never felt lonely or wished I had siblings even now. My mother died when I was in my early 20s and I haven't had contact with my father since I was a child, I have still never wished to have a sibling.
IMO you don't miss what you never had.

RunningWithScissors · 04/03/2011 13:31

Journey, I couldn't have imagined only having one DC either, but it happened....is my DC therefore doomed to a lack of fulfilment?

Pinkjenny · 04/03/2011 13:34

The thread is quite well balanced, I think. There is a world of difference between someone like me, generally preferring that I had had a sibling, and someone who was desperately unhappy as an only child. And I'm sure parenting has a lot to do with that.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/03/2011 13:35

Buzz, that's an interesting point. DH and I were very close to adopting a child in Thailand. We realised it was for the wrong reasons so we stopped.

BeerTricksPotter · 04/03/2011 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamthere · 04/03/2011 13:35

I am an only child. Loved some of it, hated other bits. Childhood wise it was OK, didn't know any different, had cousins that I was close to. As an adult it's worse - the burden of being the only child means that my parents expect me to be there for every Christmas and birthday, party, funeral, wedding etc etc. No siblings to take the heat when the parents are being nutty. And of course when my (divorced) parents pass away it will be up to me to sort it all out...

But YANBU - just daunted by the thought of going through the whole baby stage again. It might be totally different the second time. I have three and they've all been different. My 3rd wasn't planned and I really didn't want to go through it all again but he is a little treasure and I can't imagine life without him now!

Just do what feels right - it won't ruin your child's life to be an only. I wanted more than one because I didn't want my oldest to be an only child (so I suppose I must have disliked being one more than liked it!), but I know a few mums who are dead set on having only one and their lives are considerably easier than mine!!

BeerTricksPotter · 04/03/2011 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alice15 · 04/03/2011 13:37

I'm an only, and I never minded at all. We had no nearby cousins, and I played a lot on my own, but had plenty of friends. I am more self-sufficient than many people and need to be alone to recharge sometimes, but otherwise I don't think it's had much effect on me one way or the other. When I had my two DDs, though, I did find it very hard to cope with the pettiness of their squabbles when they were small; how could two people fight over something like a scrap of paper or who presses the button on the lift?
Now, I do wish there was someone to share the care of my parents: but there's no guarantee, even if you have a sibling, that they will be willing or able to do that. I do think the anti-only prejudice is horrible - when I had DD2, my MIL (one of 5 herself) said to me, "Now you're a proper family!" She said it thoughtlessly rather than nastily, but I still remember 13 years later...
So, OP: do what's right for you!

catwhiskers10 · 04/03/2011 13:37

I find it quite annoying that people who don't have only children and are not only children themselves seem to think they can diagnose "only child syndrome" and call others selfish for only having one child.
I know plenty of self absorbed, spoilt selfish b*** that have siblings. You can't stereotype people in accordance with what size of family they come from.

bonkers20 · 04/03/2011 13:37

Difficult. We have a 10 year age gap between ours, so for the longest time (even though I always wanted another) it looked like DS1 would be an only. It was the way it was and I had to accept it.

Some random thoughts:

I don't think DS1 minded at all, that's all he knew. He was certainly able to do things that we can't do now that we have two. I tried to do what I could to not raise a spoilt brat.

I didn't feel complete with just one.

My Mother passed away last year and I truly feel glad that DS1 will not have to cope with the same situation as an only.

It has brought out a side to DS1 that is so lovely to see.

We don't have a big enough house (2 bed - 4 people). We are struggling in many ways when if we had not had #2 we would having a ball (lots of travel, able to pursue own hobbies, shopping!).

I have been able to continue my career and raise two children so that has not been an issue.

Original poster

Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 13:38

OK look, everyone knows some only children who are a bit ratty in the same way we all know some children who have brothers and sisters who are equally ratty.
Since when has it been ok to slag off children just because they don't have any siblings?
Please bear in mind that for some parents it is not a conscious choice to only have one child!
Please be sensitive to that.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 13:39

what are you seeking from this thread,what your motivation ss?

worraliberty · 04/03/2011 13:41

Same here bonkers it brought a different side to my eldest out that was also lovely to see.

Pinkjenny · 04/03/2011 13:42

Is this even helping you, Slinkysista? What does your dh think?

Geriatricbabymama · 04/03/2011 13:44

alice 15 when I had DD2, my MIL (one of 5 herself) said to me, "Now you're a proper family!"

Ouch

Original poster

Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 13:49

Scottishmummy I don't really have any motivation re this thread, just wanted to share this burden, my husband doesn't really understand and I thought some of the women on Mumsnet would. That's all.
I don't think I'll find my answer here really.
Thanks all.

OP posts:

wosswot · 04/03/2011 13:49

Totally agree with ScottishMummy. Just wanted you to know that you aren't condemning your child if you don't choose to have another.

They won't necessarily turn out "spoilt" and "self-absorbed"

Original poster

Slinkysista · 04/03/2011 13:52

Thanks Wosswot and iamthere and scottishmummy your posts make sense. iamthere I think I am just really scared to have another child.

OP posts:

Adversecamber · 04/03/2011 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistlethrush · 04/03/2011 13:56

I have an only - significant health issues relating to that, and 1/4 sucesses combined with age means that, I think, we will stick with just one. He has masses of friends at school, is very outgoing, gets invited to all the parties (especially the girls' ) and can be a real pleasure to spend time with (please note the can). We had always assumed we'd have two - takes some of the pressure off him later on.

However, I was an only child. I don't ever remember wishing that I had siblings. I wasn't lonely - holidays were crammed with playing with friends, horseriding, books etc. I'm sure I had more time from my parents than I would have done if I had had siblings. And now, as I have no siblings, ds is my parents' only grandchild - so they are very happy to spend time with him and help out in school holidays. That probably would not have been so easy if either I had had siblings or if I had had more than one child.

Oblomov · 04/03/2011 14:10

People have written some terrible things on this thread about only children. spoilt ? really ? no more spolit than all children these days are.
I find most children, including my 2, disgracefully behaved, generally, these days. Single children no more so than a child who is one of 3 or one of 10.
OP, don't have another child. Not unless you WANT to. I don't think you are at that place, yet/currently.

BarbieLovesKen · 04/03/2011 14:14

Just to add, I am unusually close to my cousins and we all (24 of us!! ) live pretty close to each other - didnt make any difference though. Also, I would have said as a child that I was happy as an only and even now I've often heard my mum saying "barbie was always happy to be my one and only" - I wasnt. It was horrible. But thats me. Just funny the way I felt and she interpreted (and she is an absolutely fabulous mother, who I am very, very close to).

My dad died last August and it was unusual circumstances, I would have done anything to have a sibling to understand how I was feeling. I felt very alone at that time. DH is one of 5 and Im slightly jealous. I'd love my own nephews and nieces.

OP, I know its daunting, as I said I really understand as I really, really hate pregnancy so its never a decision I take lightly but just make sure you weigh up all pros and cons for your own wee family and try look at it from each family member's angle/ perspective.

Also dont think the OP needs a "motivation" for the thread, its very usual to ask these type of questions on Mnet to get various opinions/ experiences to factor in when making a decision.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

Missymorrison87 · 04/03/2011 14:16

I'm with you on only wanting one child. To be honest one has hindred my current and future career plans already and hasnt even been born yet haha

(NOT that im regretting it, i love the fact i'm having a baby and starting my small family with the man i love)

So although i love that i will have a little life to look after and a stabe family home, i would also like to get back on track with my career plan as soon as possible.

I'm one of the lucky ones though that has a partner that is willing to take 2 days a week off to let me go back to college and study. I know a few mums that get no support from their husbands, who seem to think the fact they work 9-5 jobs it give them a get out clause with the childcare

glovesoflove · 04/03/2011 14:16

OP, nobody can tell you the "right" answer. If you don't want another child, don't have one.

I am an only and would have loved a sibling, but my parents would have loved another child. I have a friend whose parents had a bitter divorce when she was about 12, mainly because her mother only wanted 2 children but was pressured into three (my poor friend). I think my family situation is better than hers!

As for the negative stereotypes of only children... I fit the "lonely" only, but have a friend who is one of five and feels isolated - sometimes it's just a character trait. I am shy and siblings would have helped with that, but my DP is an only and is not in the least bit shy! I have several friends who are onlies, as are my mum and MIL, and can honestly say that they are some of the kindest, most selfless and reliable friends/family you could have, so your DS will be lovely and himself regardless. If you have extended family do make an effort to nurture those links, I wish I had close cousins.

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