Not to tell mum that my brother is threatening to kill himself again?

[bupcakesandcunting]

Back story here if you can be arsed

Basically, my brother (22) is living in Brighton. He moved down there to go to uni' and he left on bad terms with most of his close family because he has basically acted like the biggest twat on earth for the last five years. To cut it short, his girlfriend in Brighton popped up on my FB chat on tuesday asking if I could try and get in touch with DB as she'd finished with him and he had been threatening to kill himself. I told her to let him get on with it as this will be the fifth time in 2 years he has been found out by a girlfriend for cheating on them and got dumped and threatened to kill himself. He has done this to five girls in the last two years

Now, I thought that I should tell my mum what was going on but decided against ot for a few reasons; a) He is bluffing. He is too self-regarding to ever top himself, b) my mum has had so much stress with him she is in councelling, she worries constantly about him having no money (refuses to get a job, but is constantly out on the lash, I know because I can see his FB) and is constantly sorting his rent out for him etc etc and c) I don't want to feed his cravings for attention. I told his girlfriend as much and told her to ignore him as he just wanted everyone to rally round him.

I know this sounds harsh but I just don't want to know and I don't want to worry my mum. I am sure it is just dramatics. This is what he does when things don't go his way and I think it is sick that rather than deal with his actions, he tries to worm out of it by stooping to this (threatening suicide) I have lost two close people to suicide so I don't take kindly to this nonsense. However, I have a niggling doubt that I was wrong not to tell mum. Can I ask what you think?

I would tell her, am sure she would find it a bit more than worrying if he did kill himself?

I think it'd be different if your mum had asked you not to tell her, but she might not thank you for choosing on her behalf.

I know you're doing it for the best intentions, but think of your own DC, if they were having this much difficulty and even if you were struggling to deal with their behaviour, you'd still want to know.

It's a difficult one, and I see you see it as just 'nonsense' and don't think he will, but if he did this time, you'd feel awful not saying.

yikes, clicked for back story and there was link for more back story!

She would finding worrying but I have pretty solid reasons for thinking he is bluffing. If I tell her this is what will happen;

-She will get hysterical (she suffers from anxiety and depression :()
-She will take time off work, unpaid, to drive down to Brighton. She is brassic.
-She will start giving him money.
-It will eat her up for months. She will get hysterical every time she can't get an answer off him on the phone.

I wouldn't have told her.

There is so mauch back story to this, Mitchiest, I could write a tome on it.

Another reason I am reluctant is that when this has happened before (and it's always come after some pretty vile shit that I haven't posted about as it's too embarrassing) he has used this as a "tool" to get out of stuff. I just think if the pattern got broke by no-one giving him any sympathy/attention, he might not do it again and actually THINK about how he conducts himself and his relationships.

I agree with you. No point in worrying her. Although he probably could use help, maybe tell his ex to suggest he sees his doctor about his feelings.

It doesn't sound cold, BeerTricks. It's what I think too.

or get more desperate for attention?

iscream I have begged him to see a psychiatrist before. He refuses.

I don't know, Mitchiest The only way he would get more attention is by actually doing it and I don't think he would. Honestly. If I thought there was any danger of it, I wouldn't be so cold about it.

I answered without checking out the backstory, and I say this as someone who doesn't have contact with their prick of a brother, but you do seem very entwined in his life and relationships with others.

I'm sure you see this as your right, but he's a big lad now, and what he does with his girlfriend/s, and what your mum does with her money/work, aren't your responsibility.

They're adults and can choose to act as they wish.

If you don't want contact with him, that's your choice, but I'm not sure it's within your remit as a sister or daughter to make decisions for other people in this way.

As I said, I know it'll be more complex than what I've read on your threads, and you are obviously able to justify how you feel with perhaps other info you've left out, but on the surface of it that's what your OPs make me think.

And just as an aside, I don't believe in brushing off any threat of sucicide, whether it's to try and control another person or it's a cry for help, one thing is certain, your brother is definately struggling at the min.

can't you or whoever nearest relative is apply for assessment under mha? if you are worried, you probably should be a bit worried what with him being right sort of age and sex for it

If your brother threatens to kill himself you need to phone him an ambulance as he needs emergency mental heath treatment. If he is serious then he will get help, and if he is not then he will learn this is a very serious thing to threaten.

tell her, but in due course, no hurry. Keep her informed but with a delay so he doesn't get the immediate attention he's after

I think you are doing the right thing too. He sounds like a nightmare.

If only it were that simple, Agent.

I told my mum last year that I wanted nothing to do with him or his reltationships. I didn't want to hear of it, nor speak of it.

But then when my mum collapses at work, hyperventilating after the stress of him getting into police trouble etc etc, it's hard to stand by and shrug. His actions don't just affect him. If they did I wouldn't give a shit.

P.S I don't feel entwined in his life. I never speak to him. I managed to avoid the little twat from July-December last year and it was bliss. Other people (girlfriends/mum/relatives) seem to drag me in to it...

are the 'close people' you lost to suicide relatives or friends?

Both friends, Mitchiest

And neither of them gave any inkling that they were going to do it beforehand :(

I was thinking of how enraged you sound at the way he treated his girlfriend, which although she was long term and you obviously got on well with her, it was his business.

You effectively took her side, I know he was being a shit though.

Or the way he treats your mum, it must be hard to stand by and watch him being a twat with her, but is that not between him and her?

I am a bit skewed on the subject though, and try to avoid any family for exactly the same reason.

I do feel for you

many people do though, I wondered because seem to have idea that suicide runs in families

Hmm well I would always take a suicide threat seriously. My DH's business partner was always threatening it and the few people who knew became very blase about it when he went into one of his black moods and wasn't seen for days. It really was a case of the boy who cried wolf and last year DH found his body two days after he had died. He told me on the Saturday that his friend was hiding away again, I said we should check but he and some others shrugged it off. He may have done it anyway but I always wonder if we could have saved him :(

Sorry I don't mean to frighten you but just be careful. Or don't tell your Mum but go and see him yourself.