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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell mum that my brother is threatening to kill himself again?

147 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 11:57

Back story here if you can be arsed Smile

Basically, my brother (22) is living in Brighton. He moved down there to go to uni' and he left on bad terms with most of his close family because he has basically acted like the biggest twat on earth for the last five years. To cut it short, his girlfriend in Brighton popped up on my FB chat on tuesday asking if I could try and get in touch with DB as she'd finished with him and he had been threatening to kill himself. I told her to let him get on with it as this will be the fifth time in 2 years he has been found out by a girlfriend for cheating on them and got dumped and threatened to kill himself. He has done this to five girls in the last two years Hmm

Now, I thought that I should tell my mum what was going on but decided against ot for a few reasons; a) He is bluffing. He is too self-regarding to ever top himself, b) my mum has had so much stress with him she is in councelling, she worries constantly about him having no money (refuses to get a job, but is constantly out on the lash, I know because I can see his FB) and is constantly sorting his rent out for him etc etc and c) I don't want to feed his cravings for attention. I told his girlfriend as much and told her to ignore him as he just wanted everyone to rally round him.

I know this sounds harsh but I just don't want to know and I don't want to worry my mum. I am sure it is just dramatics. This is what he does when things don't go his way and I think it is sick that rather than deal with his actions, he tries to worm out of it by stooping to this (threatening suicide) I have lost two close people to suicide so I don't take kindly to this nonsense. However, I have a niggling doubt that I was wrong not to tell mum. Can I ask what you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 20:10

I know there is always a "what if" but I think he knows that people know there's a what if and that's what he plays on; that people won't risk it. It's boy who cried wolf syndrome here, I think, if anything ever did happen. :(

Yes, she probably would go down (mum that is) and talk to him but for how long would this be a viable option? It's a long drive, she can barely afford petrol to get to work never mind 150 miles away and is she really supposed to do this every time he pulls this kind of stunt? I know people will say this is her job as a mother but still...a

Also, another reason I am reluctant to tell her is because (wasn't going to mention this as didn't want to out myself or my mum) is that one of the people I mentioned earlier who committed suicide was my mum's ex-partner who I remained friends with (he helped me part-renovate my house and was lovely to us) and it floored my mum. She's still not over it now. So i think it's a raw, emotive subject for her anyway and that is why she gets hysterical and why I can't believe he thinks that it's OK to do this. Sorry, honestly not drip-feeding, just decided to mention it as I think I am not painting a clear enough picture.

I can talk to DH but he is of the same mindset as me; leave him to it. One of my best friends works with people with MH problems and I am seeing her tomorrow for lunch so I am going to speak to her about it then although my mum has always made me promise never to discuss my brother and his issues with anyone but her and DH. Arrrrgggggggh!

OP posts:
Janos · 03/03/2011 20:35

bupcakes, I have read through this thread and your previous one. What a piece of work your bro sounds (not that you need me to tell you that of course).

scottishmummy's advice here is spot on I think. Cover yourself 'just in case'.

However, I think your decision not to tell your mum is the right one, and your instinct that he is doing this for attention is most likely correct.

General comment: I know its almost impossible to comprehend when you are a normal, decent person but some disturbed people really do pull this shit (suicide threats) for manipulative reasons; precisely because they KNOW decent and kind people don't want to take the risk that it might happen.

FattyArbuckel · 04/03/2011 09:10

I think your mother is an adult and a mother to her son, and that she really does have a right to know about this and to make up her own mind what her own actions will be, just as you have made up your mind for yourself.

I sympathise with how hard this is on you.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 10:32

no,id be wary about turning op into go-between communicating what her brother said ,does to the mother. he is adult he is responsible for his actions and isnt up to op to monitor and relay every situation

plupedantic · 04/03/2011 10:32

Sorry I am posting so late, but it took a while to get through all of this on the thread.

One thing that stuck out for me is that he told his ex-gf, not you, bupcakes, or your mother. That seemed to indicate that he was trying for a targeted effect, rather than trying to drag the whole world into his problems, or to communicate need to people who might help him (help he needed).

That is: he didn't contact you, bupcakes, or your mother, because he wasn't interested in communicating/affecting you. What you just posted, about the other suicide, which devastated your mother, underlines this. (Although it seems he is not above making your mother relive her suicide fears....).

Sorry I sound very calculating, but emotional cruelty angers me.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 04/03/2011 11:40

plupedantic you have got it in one. You seem to think about this in the same way as I do. He knew who to target/make feel guilty/who he wanted to rush to his attention.

FWIW, his FB page tells a story. He's had a house party last night, pictures of him laughing and joking. Humourous status updates. Arranging a night out tonight. Hardly someone on the edge of despair Hmm

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 11:46

so stop pissing about looking at his fb and harrumphing. there is no benefit to you looking, getting exasperated and saying god guess what hes done now

unless of course you secretly likey to look and harrumph

otherwise , leave it be. hes not your responsibility,nor are his actions

plupedantic · 04/03/2011 11:53

So if he uses Facebook to reveal his triumphs, he should be using it (or a similarly broad-cast - not narrow-cast medium of appeal) to issue any real cries for help? Hmm. Do you think that using that criterion might help you to feel easy about "discriminating" between his different cries for help in the future? It could help ease your worries about when/whether to pass on info to your mother/ police.

A lot of people have posted in this thread in good faith about not taking the chance of ignoring a "real wolf"; this "test" could help you answer their very correct and humane position without betraying yourself (by "feeding" his appalling behaviour) or hurting your mother (by letting her grieve over him again and again). What do you think?

(Sorry the broad-cast/narrow-cast stuff is a bit poncy, but it's a useful illustrative structure.)

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 04/03/2011 11:53

It comes up on my newsfeed when I log in.

Wind your neck in Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 04/03/2011 11:54

I'm sorry plupedantic I got confused with your second post. Explain it to me again in a way that a flu-ed up, shattered dimwit will understand Wink Grin

OP posts:
plupedantic · 04/03/2011 11:56

PMSL about the juxtaposition of my poncy "illustrative structure" and scottishmummy's no-nonsense talk of harrumphing.

Blush
plupedantic · 04/03/2011 11:57

I can't explain now. My sore bottom won't take another pratfall!

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 11:57

so take him off your newsfeed.youre rubbernecking on his life and getting all het up

you can chose whether or not to look this fb,if it causes such consternation and mn angst,stop looking

unless,you so like looking and the resultant omg he did this and that

for as long as you look at his fb and allow it to permeate in and have emotional hold,then you are also a participant in all this too

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 04/03/2011 11:58

Huh well I didn't know that (you can take people off your newsfeed)

OP posts:
plupedantic · 04/03/2011 12:04

Okay, I've given myself a talking to now.

The idea is to apply a "test" to any future appeals:

If he calls for someone-anyone-everyone, you can take it seriously, as someone who really needs help won't care who helps them.

If it is targeted (that's what I meant by narrowcast, by the way), it's for effect, and isn't actually meant for you.

That will help you feel you aren't responding to whims, and aren't subjecting your poor mother to them, while ensuring that you aren't callously missing The Big One.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 12:06

alternatively stop gawping at his fb,youre winding self up

iscream · 04/03/2011 13:19

If someone is serious about suicide, they get a gun or jump in front of a train or jump off something high, or hang themselves. They don't take a few pills or cut themselves and tell people about it.
OP is doing the right thing in not worrying her poor mother with this. I know from years of dealing with a relative like this, it makes you ill. Her brother doesn't care about anybody except himself. OP's mom can't help anyways, it is a viscous circle. Until he gets professional help, I doubt he will change. Sounds like he has a substance abuse problem as well as being selfish and unstable.

Violence is unacceptable and I am afraid your mother was very wrong in accepting that behavior and expecting others to as well. He needs professionals to help him. The consequences for bad behavior should be people not wanting you to be around them. A little ignoring will do him some good. Your mom has the fear due to her ex killing himself, which makes it even harder. I feel really sorry for your mother. My doctor said the expression "worried sick" is not just a saying. It wears you down, in all aspects.

Wishing you have all the strength to deal with this, you do sound like you have your head on straight. Keep on keeping on.

FattyArbuckel · 04/03/2011 16:45

iscream "If someone is serious about suicide, they get a gun or jump in front of a train or jump off something high, or hang themselves. They don't take a few pills or cut themselves and tell people about it."

This is totally untrue. Most people who kill themselves have previously confided in others that they feel this way.

iscream · 04/03/2011 17:57

Perhaps you may be right about many confiding in someone, but many do not.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 22:42

majority of people who commit suicide have given recent & explicit indication of suicidal ideation. it can articulate as cant go on/cant do this.as ofen borne out in debrief with friends,family

i see this oft touted myth on mn those who say dont and it is not true.really it isnt

AgentZigzag · 04/03/2011 23:04

Iscream, dismissing attention seeking behaviour as just putting it on or acting up makes me feel uncomfortable.

People display attention seeking behaviour because they need that attention, for whatever reason.

They're trying to say something to you, but are perhaps having difficulty expressing it.

But then again, if like the OP you've heard it lots of times before and they won't accept help, I can understand how draining and distressing that must be.

iscream · 04/03/2011 23:48

Yes, I guess my response was coloured by the frustration caused by my own experiences. Years of similar behavior to OP's brother.
I will keep out of the thread, I wouldn't want anything to happen to someone because of me giving them a false sense of feeling a disturbed person was only crying wolf. I am just a frustrated, emotionally drained person like bupcakes.
I do think professionals should be involved, it is too much for family and friends to handle alone.

AgentZigzag · 04/03/2011 23:56

You shouldn't feel as though you can't post iscream.

Your opinion is just as valid as anyone elses, it probably helps the OP knowing she's not alone in how she feels.

Hope you're OK.

hmc · 04/03/2011 23:58

If I was his mum, I'd want to know and would make my own assessment of the situation....

scottishmummy · 04/03/2011 23:59

express any opinion online,but do expect it to be challenged