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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell mum that my brother is threatening to kill himself again?

147 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 11:57

Back story here if you can be arsed Smile

Basically, my brother (22) is living in Brighton. He moved down there to go to uni' and he left on bad terms with most of his close family because he has basically acted like the biggest twat on earth for the last five years. To cut it short, his girlfriend in Brighton popped up on my FB chat on tuesday asking if I could try and get in touch with DB as she'd finished with him and he had been threatening to kill himself. I told her to let him get on with it as this will be the fifth time in 2 years he has been found out by a girlfriend for cheating on them and got dumped and threatened to kill himself. He has done this to five girls in the last two years Hmm

Now, I thought that I should tell my mum what was going on but decided against ot for a few reasons; a) He is bluffing. He is too self-regarding to ever top himself, b) my mum has had so much stress with him she is in councelling, she worries constantly about him having no money (refuses to get a job, but is constantly out on the lash, I know because I can see his FB) and is constantly sorting his rent out for him etc etc and c) I don't want to feed his cravings for attention. I told his girlfriend as much and told her to ignore him as he just wanted everyone to rally round him.

I know this sounds harsh but I just don't want to know and I don't want to worry my mum. I am sure it is just dramatics. This is what he does when things don't go his way and I think it is sick that rather than deal with his actions, he tries to worm out of it by stooping to this (threatening suicide) I have lost two close people to suicide so I don't take kindly to this nonsense. However, I have a niggling doubt that I was wrong not to tell mum. Can I ask what you think?

OP posts:
carriedababi · 03/03/2011 14:23

i think you'd be out of order to not tell your mum

she has the right to know

please dont assume he wont do it

theyCallMeHer · 03/03/2011 14:24

Oh sounds the exact same type. Does he have any drug/ alcohol issues?

My aunt once copied my grans debit card details and spent nearly £500 on online bingo, as you say, this wasn't her fault, her excuse was 'but I've not being drinking I can't help having an addictive personality and you haven't been supporting me enough'

(hollow laughter)

He needs to get off the pity pot and get some humility. Honestly I cannot understand the psyche.

theyCallMeHer · 03/03/2011 14:26

But carrie, if he tells her thats a different matter.

I think Op has every right not to implicate herself any further in this wretched mess.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 14:26

Yes he does.

He smokes too much weed and I am sure he is using coke too.

LOL at pity pot. I might use that line on him when/if I have to deal with the little scrote again Grin

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 03/03/2011 14:29

I wouldn't tell her. Just advise anyone asking to get medical help if he makes a direct threat.

LionRock · 03/03/2011 14:29

(After reading back stories)

I wouldn't tell her. Same reasons, save your mum from worrying unnecessarily. Cut off his supply of attention as you say and the dramatics should subside.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 14:38

After thinking about what you have all said, I have decided NOT to tell mum for the time being.

However, I have emailed his ex-girlfriend to ask her that if he acts up any more to contact me and I will contact the police and ask them to speak to him.

I hope think that this is the right course of action...

OP posts:
carriedababi · 03/03/2011 14:38

either way he need serious help.

you need to involve the police or drs.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 14:42

carriedababi, I don't have brother's address so I think it would be tricksy for me to be able to do much. I have passed on the advice given here to the ex-g and hopefully, if he pulls any more stunts, she will contact the police.

OP posts:
cumfy · 03/03/2011 14:43

Has he ever come close to being sectioned ?

I only ask, because sadly it sounds like the only ultimate destination these circumstances lead to.

Quite beyond belief.
What does he say if he's sat down and gently alleged all you've sasid ?

cumfy · 03/03/2011 14:43

Oh YADDNBU

theyCallMeHer · 03/03/2011 14:55

See I don't think it's that serious, I think he's just pushing his luck, has ot away with it for long enough and so keeps pushing it.

Why should bupcake and her mother be worrying when he's proabbly just sitting waiting for the money to roll in so he can go and get off his head?

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 14:59

cumfy he flies off the handle if you try and talk to him about it. I've told him before that I suspect he may need help with his issues but he goes off on one and does stuff like pull knives out of drawers (because THAT's how perfectly balanced people behave Hmm)

I think he has personality disorders and sexual disorders. I am certain he has Narcissistic personality disorder; he is self-obsessed, thinks he is "gifted" and that he is going to be the next John Lennon and even though he fucked his A-Levels up, managed to get his dad to pay for him to go to music college so that he could attend on the strength of cash rather than talent, his sense of entitlement is massive, surrounds himself with people who adore him (based on this fake persona he uses) but cuts off those who might criticise him, he is a total fantasist.

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 15:00

"Why should bupcake and her mother be worrying when he's proabbly just sitting waiting for the money to roll in so he can go and get off his head?"

Glad it's not just me seeing it this way :)

OP posts:
LionRock · 03/03/2011 15:07

I agree that he seems to show more than a few traits of a narcissistic personality. He sounds like the Golden Child.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/03/2011 15:08

If you're going to keep it from your Mum, make sure that you can do that forever. If she finds out (after the event), she will never forgive YOU.

Voddy · 03/03/2011 15:10

Oh I'm sorry but that 'arranging for other men to have sex with his girlfriends' thing sounds really really sinister, especially in light of his other issues. Your poor mum, and poor you for having to deal with him at all.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 15:11

I've just been reading up a bit more on NPD and I think I am right

The causes make total sense; idolised as a child, excessive praise for not much achievement i.e "oh you actually went to school today?! that is FABULOUS, you are brilliant, my special boy etc etc", being told he is extremely handsome (he IS good looking but he ain't Johnny Depp), completely over-indulged.

I am off to Google the Golden Child :)

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 15:11

I agree, LyingWitch. I have mulled over that since I ws told...

OP posts:
LionRock · 03/03/2011 15:15

Just a warning - if he sounds like a classic golden child then (from what I've read) he was made that way. Not to excuse his behaviour, but you may unravel a whole pile of cr@p that you weren't expecting about your family dynamics. There's loads of info on the internet about this stuff. Just be aware that some is written by individuals that came from narc families so their views may not always be balamced or comprehensive (compared with stuff written by psychologists.) Wiki may be a good start.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 15:20

Oh, our family dynamics are fucked. I could write reams on it but no-one would interested Grin

I'm surprised I am as balanced (well, relatively) as I am considering...

OP posts:
giraffesisonadiet · 03/03/2011 15:31

Yes do find out address and call for help for him, depending on how he threatens it then ambulance or police. He either needs help, or he needs to learn this is the responce he gets to claiming to be suicidal. If he is genuinly suicidal then he will be getting the right help. Even if he is not actively suicidal and is just saying it then tbh that still sounds like he needs some mental health intervention!

LionRock · 03/03/2011 15:32

I think the definition of being an adult should include something about realising that all families are f@cked in their own particlar way. I'm with Philip Larkin!

amiheartless · 03/03/2011 15:33

I feel you've made the right decision , the behaviour seems attention seeking

you mums 'hysteris' feeds the attention and may encourage the behaviour, plus your mum does not need th stress

BigBadMummy · 03/03/2011 15:37

DISCLAIMER: I have only read the first post and not subsequent so this may not all be relevant now.

Please do not assume he won't do it.

As somebody who has lived through a BIL taking his own life after a failed attempt two years previously, this time triggered by discovering his ex-partner had a new partner, I would suggest you take this seriously.

It is not for you to decide if your mother knows or not. You should tell her.

He needs help. It might be attention seeking but why is he seeking attention?

My BIL's situation was different from you family's, obviously, but the pain that will be left if he does go through with his threats, will be real and will mark all of you forever.

Please don't turn your back on him.

He needs to know you care and love him. That might be hard for you to offer to him, given his past twattish behavious but you have to ask why he was a twat and why he had distanced himself and why he is now attention seeking.

Don't ignore it.

Or you could be getting a knock on your front door at 3am from the local police and being asked to identify a body. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

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