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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell mum that my brother is threatening to kill himself again?

147 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 11:57

Back story here if you can be arsed Smile

Basically, my brother (22) is living in Brighton. He moved down there to go to uni' and he left on bad terms with most of his close family because he has basically acted like the biggest twat on earth for the last five years. To cut it short, his girlfriend in Brighton popped up on my FB chat on tuesday asking if I could try and get in touch with DB as she'd finished with him and he had been threatening to kill himself. I told her to let him get on with it as this will be the fifth time in 2 years he has been found out by a girlfriend for cheating on them and got dumped and threatened to kill himself. He has done this to five girls in the last two years Hmm

Now, I thought that I should tell my mum what was going on but decided against ot for a few reasons; a) He is bluffing. He is too self-regarding to ever top himself, b) my mum has had so much stress with him she is in councelling, she worries constantly about him having no money (refuses to get a job, but is constantly out on the lash, I know because I can see his FB) and is constantly sorting his rent out for him etc etc and c) I don't want to feed his cravings for attention. I told his girlfriend as much and told her to ignore him as he just wanted everyone to rally round him.

I know this sounds harsh but I just don't want to know and I don't want to worry my mum. I am sure it is just dramatics. This is what he does when things don't go his way and I think it is sick that rather than deal with his actions, he tries to worm out of it by stooping to this (threatening suicide) I have lost two close people to suicide so I don't take kindly to this nonsense. However, I have a niggling doubt that I was wrong not to tell mum. Can I ask what you think?

OP posts:
LionRock · 03/03/2011 15:42

Without meaning to offend anyone...

The reality of calling in mental health professionals is that they can't force anyone to accept investigations or treatment unless the person's behaviour is so unignorably (real word?) dangerous that they can be legally sectioned. Also, you need to know not only his address but also whether he is there or not.

Even if the OP knows which GP her brother's registered with, she can only pass a message to the GP. The GP cannot provide any info or updates about their patient / her brother without the patient's permission.

The OP could contact her own GP or an organisation like the Samaritans or Breathing Spaces or similar for advice, but from reading the back stories this story is like watching a remake of an old movie. It's a bit different to the OP's brother contacting her for support and her saying "no, sort yourself out". He behaves badly to the point that people are no longer willing to put up with it then he threatens to hurt himself as a way of manipulating them to do what he wants (e.g. forgive him or whatever). There's a pattern of behaviour here.

giraffesisonadiet · 03/03/2011 15:46

lionrock yes thats true. I guess from the op point of view she has at least done something. And then its up to him if he accepts the help. If he is suicidal you are unlikely to be able to help - being THAT low and depressed needs professional help, same as if it was a physical problem.

LionRock · 03/03/2011 15:51

I don't mean to seem blase about suicide (like the OP I've been affected by this myself.) It just seems from the OP's post and backstory that her gut feeling is that he is looking for attention. I haven't picked up any mention that her brother is depressed, may have missed that. Also it sounds like he threatens to hurt himself but has never actually attempted suicide. The OP seems to be in a no-win situation. Tell: he gets attention and the cycle continues. Don't tell: yes it could be the first time he's serious.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 16:38

I also have the added burden of the ex-girlfriend asking me not to let on that I know anything because she is afraid he will "go psycho".

I think I have done the right thing...

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 16:44

Just got a message back from the ex, poor girl. I'll C&P it, see what you think...

Hi, I've only seen him once when i gave his stuff back and he's stopped texting me which is good. He hasn't threatened recently but he told me he tried to kill himself last friday and this monday, but i don't know how seriously I should take that. His friends all know what he's threatened and are on watch all the time.
Yeah I think that health assessment would be a good idea, because it's not just that, but the compulsive lying and almost complete lack of empathy. I'm not sure how he would take that though...
Thankyou so much for your advice. I'll look up the local police number just in case.
Hope you're well xx

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/03/2011 16:50

Poor girl. I think you should tell her again to just call the police if he threatens to kill himself. Let them deal with it.

If he means it, they'll help him. If he's being a manipulative arse, they'll have a few things to say to him.

And if he learns that this threat will only ever get him the police at his door, but won't get him money or people begging and pleading with him, then I would imagine he'll stop.

BitOfFun · 03/03/2011 16:51

I think that you just leave it now- email back saying "Great, all the best, Bup".

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 16:52

Yes, I have just repeated it to her and the reasons why she shouldn't give him any attention other than taking the time to inform the police.

See, it's all well and good saying "he's an adult, you don't need to be involved" but he leaves such a trail of destruction in his wake that as a sibling, I feel some degree of responsibility to put it right somehow Confused

OP posts:
LionRock · 03/03/2011 17:00

Poor ex-gf. She seems to have her head screwed on though.

You've both done what you can. His local friends know the situation and can monitor and step in if and when needed.

Long-term, it sounds like him seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist could be useful, but if he is narcissistic, they almost never recognise it as a problem.

LionRock · 03/03/2011 17:01

they = narcissists

It's like trying to convince a person with bipolar disorder that they are unnaturally happy at the mo. Not easy.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 17:01

I've been reading up on the Golden Child syndrome. So many things are clunking into place!

OP posts:
Glitterknickaz · 03/03/2011 18:51

Sussex Police non emergency no 0845 60 70 999

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 19:00

Thank you, Glittaknickaz.

OP posts:
FattyArbuckel · 03/03/2011 19:02

I would take this seriously yourself and tell your mother.

How would you cope if he followed through with this and you coud have helped him?

scottishmummy · 03/03/2011 19:03

call police ask for welfare check,just in case

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 19:08

I can't help though, Fatty. We have no address for him (he wouldn't give one to my mum Hmm) I am a 4 hour drive away. I don't know what it is I can do to help? Tell my mum so that she can drive four hours down to Brighton then drive round the streets looking for him? If she phones him to ask if he is OK, he will hang up. I think what I have done re: telling the people there to contact the police is the most sensible action. By the way, he is safe and well, according to the ex-gf.

scottishmummy, if I tell the police, would they be able to find out his address do you think? I know they wouldn't give it to me, I don't really want it, but they would be able to find it and visit?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/03/2011 19:09

0845 60 70 999 Brighton police
John Street
Brighton
East Sussex

request welfare check: reason you are worried about suicidal ideation

scurryfunge · 03/03/2011 19:14

The police can make enquiries about his whereabouts to do a welfare check but only if they think he is of immediate risk. There are loads of ways of tracing people but the search is prioritised according to how much danger he is in. If he made the threat a few days ago and people have seen him alive and well since, he is not going to be much of a priority.

scottishmummy · 03/03/2011 19:18

prior to requst any welfare check, do your own digging has he been on FB,
does he answer phone,
anyone seen him

yes the will prioritise according to urgency/previous history, source of referral eg statutory agency or public,and age

police will try to locate his address but obviously delays if you cannot supply it
give full name, dob
mobile phone number
approximate locality

scurryfunge · 03/03/2011 19:26

If you do end up passing this on to police, it will be helpful if you have vehicle details to hand too.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 19:27

That's what I suspected, scurry. I've looked on MIND and some links that nice MNers have PMd to me that if you suspect someone is in imminent danger of harming themselves or someone else then call the SS locally or the emergency police number. I don't think he would be a priority because he is at his house, safe and well and apparently not distressed.

scottishmummy he hasn't been on FB but I think that this is part of the illusion he is hoping to create i.e people being unable to contact him. But the ex-gf went to take his stuff to his house and he answered the door and he was there. He never answers his phone so am not going to try and call him.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/03/2011 19:29

ok,so his safety is established.move on. he is adult and responsible for his actions,no further action

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 03/03/2011 19:40

"no further action"

I love you, scottishmummy Grin

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/03/2011 19:47

thats how i would see it!draw a line__

AgentZigzag · 03/03/2011 19:53

It's good you're a bit further on thinking on what to do bupcake.

I'm a bit surprised at posters agreeing you shouldn't tell your mum, although I understand why.

Apart from the initial devastation a suicide can cause, it's mostly defined for me by everyone who knew the person feeling a terrible guilt and a whole forest of 'What if...'s.

I know you think he won't, and I sincerely hope he doesn't, but there is a risk he might.

Your mum would be left having to deal with how everyone acted at the end, and unfortunately you can't unlearn what you know of the situation.

She'd be left thinking if only she'd known she could have gone and looked for him, if she could have talked to him it would have turned out differently...etc etc etc on and on and on.

He sounds a very very difficult person to be in contact with, but if you didn't give a shit, you wouldn't be on here.

How are you coping? Have you got people in RL you can talk to?