Not to tell mum that my brother is threatening to kill himself again?

[bupcakesandcunting]

Back story here if you can be arsed

Basically, my brother (22) is living in Brighton. He moved down there to go to uni' and he left on bad terms with most of his close family because he has basically acted like the biggest twat on earth for the last five years. To cut it short, his girlfriend in Brighton popped up on my FB chat on tuesday asking if I could try and get in touch with DB as she'd finished with him and he had been threatening to kill himself. I told her to let him get on with it as this will be the fifth time in 2 years he has been found out by a girlfriend for cheating on them and got dumped and threatened to kill himself. He has done this to five girls in the last two years

Now, I thought that I should tell my mum what was going on but decided against ot for a few reasons; a) He is bluffing. He is too self-regarding to ever top himself, b) my mum has had so much stress with him she is in councelling, she worries constantly about him having no money (refuses to get a job, but is constantly out on the lash, I know because I can see his FB) and is constantly sorting his rent out for him etc etc and c) I don't want to feed his cravings for attention. I told his girlfriend as much and told her to ignore him as he just wanted everyone to rally round him.

I know this sounds harsh but I just don't want to know and I don't want to worry my mum. I am sure it is just dramatics. This is what he does when things don't go his way and I think it is sick that rather than deal with his actions, he tries to worm out of it by stooping to this (threatening suicide) I have lost two close people to suicide so I don't take kindly to this nonsense. However, I have a niggling doubt that I was wrong not to tell mum. Can I ask what you think?

And I know it shouldn't be an excuse for his behaviour, but he's only a baby at 22

I was just getting over myself at that age.

Although if he does not suffer from depression and it is just stupid attention seeking it is another matter. You should threaten to have him sectioned - that will stop him if he is mucking around.

Jesus how disfunctional it that! To threaten suicide EVERYTIME he is dumped! That is so wrong. Have you ever told him how pathetic it makes him look as everyone knows he's saying it for attention.

Agent, I was angry at how he treated his girlfriend, yes. TBH, it wasn't run of the mill boyfriend/girlfriend shit. He has ZERO respect for women and yes, it does make me cross.

It would be between him and her if she didn't phone me bleating about it. She won't confide in anyone else about it, I suspect because she is deeply embarrassed by the shit stunts he pulls. So it all gets offloaded on to me, despite my asking that she doesn't talk to me about it.

giraffeisonadiet gives good advice, I think.

When I split with my ex, he threatend suicide (he had said throughout the relationship that he would kill himself if we split) so I called the police (non emergency) gave a descriptiona nd they kept a look out for him. When they saw him they stopped for a chat and he never threatend it again.

Yes, it is a good idea. I don't have his address though. Do you think I should contact the girlfriend to ask for it?

I think you should just apply for a compulsory assessment

How do I do that? Do you know?

talk to his GP about it, you can make a formal application

Agggggh, I have no idea who his GP is in Brighton!

I think the girlfriend might be reluctant to help because on Monday, she begged me not to tell him that I knew what was happening because she was scared of what he'd do.

Have you asked if the situation makes him feel like killing himself, or is it just like 'I'm gonna kill that guy in macdonalds if...' type anger statement - getting hung up on suicide issues is unhelpful if its merely over dramatisation - and an expression of how down and at sea he might feel by all this self-sabotage.

He has given very clear signals for some time about pulling away and now his ex and mother and sister are building up a story about him behind his back that surfaaces in criticism of him, his behaviour and/or 'worried mother' actions that tbh might feel stifling and controlling to him.

My parents seek to a) turn normal resistance of boundaries into mental health or other 'problems' that they b) then drag the whole family into 'solving' (i.e. worrying about) without seeking imnput from the person involved and so I have some appreciation for the other side of this.

I have been called by one member of the family when I was having a great time, only to have it explained to me that 'we have all decided you are depressed/out of control/need to come home for a while' I have similarly had the 'you seem to be out all the time when you don't have a job' when they decided I couldn't possibly have a job because they hand't heard I had one... would you believe!

Obv I don't know all of this, but the last part of the back story gave very clear signals of independence pulling away and resisting family control, and that is what I think might give the biggest clue - maybe he doesn't want to have a stable life yet, and wnats to both sleep around, and have the security of a regular partner - I have behaved in exactly the same way when I was younger - having a bF who I saw regularly and spent most of my time with without actually committing and secretly regarded myself as dating without really being honest with myself but still being devastated at this weak situation when it fell apart. Correct I would never ever threaten to kill myself publically, but with one occasion like this I did feel so low and dependent on my dreams with my most regular BF that I did feel as though life had little point for several months (my friends say years!) afterwards. ..

Perhaps you should continue the letting go and leave it - his ex needn't have told you, and in effect this is causing the cirlcing around and discussing and arranging behind his back that he seems to be resisting.

I'm not saying this is the answer, just another perspective that you might have missed .. ie. his...

IME people who threaten to commit suicide are crying for help and wanting attention. It's the ones who to the outsider seem ok and coping that are the ones to watch iykwim.
He obviously needs help though. I would tell your mum as it's not fair to have all the burden on you.

Even if your brother isn't suicidal he is still obviously emotionally ill.

Heroine, your post is interesting, thank you :)

TBH, I try and put as much of it as possible down to high-jinks of being 22. But some of it is just not right.

He doesn't have a job. He's told us as much himself and his dad (my ex-stepdad) wires money to him weekly. So far as the promiscuity goes, I know al about it (I had a, ahem, colourful love life at that age, but didn't seem to leave hurt people in the aftermath :() but a lot of the things he does are beyond the pale. I didn't even want to mention this because I find it embarrassing but I think I need to give a fuller picture here...

The girlfriend most recently and the one before both found out that DB was arranging to get other men to sleep with them, for what gains I shudder to think, but I think that this is warped behaviour in itself. Both girls were really opposed to this and he persisted in trying to get them to do it. (I really wish they had told me this, eugh) He is a regular user of hardcore, vile porn and has gone into debt to fund his habit. He even stole card details from his dad to pay for it last year. As I mentioned in another thread, he has threatened my uncle with a knife. The list goes on.

My mother seems under some misapprehension that living away from home will be the making of him but I know it won't be. I am sure he has some kind of personality disorder, I have told him as much. I have told him that he needs help but he won't listen.

• I wish they hadn't

P.S It might be worth mentioning that I think a lot of this is down the genetics. My stepdad was a habitual womaniser, had no respect for women. He is 53 and on his third marriage. He is now married to a woman who lived across the road from his second wife who he started shagging relations with when his second wife was out of the house! I've heard tales of him being involved in orgies and all sorts in the 70s so I reckon it might be in the blood. Ex stepdad is like a low-rent Mick jagger

I wouldn't have told my mum TBH as I know how she would react and if your convinced he wont actually go through with it then YANBU.

I second calling the non-emergency police number. Call, say he has threatened to kill himself and you cannot get there, and can they go and see him? Get the address from his ex, definitely.

If he is genunine then they may be able to stop him or involve social services or the mental health team, if he is attention seeking then he may find that the police are the wrong kind of attention - they won't give him a financial bailout!

I wouldn't worry your mum or even waste any more of your emotional energy on him. Tell him to visit his GP if he is having suicidal thoughts and then leave the rest up to him. He is an adult and is choosing to behave in this way.

It is a slightly different situation but I'll explain ow we as a family handled my aunt and my grandparents.

My aunt has been a lifelong alcoholic, no amount of treatment, support etc has helped, in fact so much that has been done for her has been thrown back in the vilest of ways.

My Grandparents became very ill through the worry, would pay her rent so she didn't end up in council provided bedsits (which is all she was worth tbh). Eventually there was a thought that enough is enough. My uncles drove over to hers, sat her down and basically threatened her. Sounds harsh but it was needed. She was told that so long as she was continuing to drink then she had no place in the family.

She listened and didn't approach them for money, the family members she did approach knew not to give, and also al agreed it would be kept from my grandparents,

It sounds horribly as though we were all complicit in her illness but my grandparents both died thinking their daughter was sober and coping.

This is a woman who when my grandad was having end of life care at home was upstairs swigging from cider bottles she'd hidden in the airing cupboard

Sorry I just realised how irrelevant that wa

Not irrelevant at all, theycallmeher.

I'm a big advocate of tough love, especially for people who won't help themselves despite it affecting the people who, for some reason, care about them.

This is just it isn't it bupcakes, you can trot out the 'illness' excuse, but there's only so long that washed.

My grandparents had constant money worries despite working hard all their lives because they were subsidising what I see as an entirely selfish and irresponsible lifestyle. It sounds like the same is happening with your mother the poor woman.

My aunt had all sorts of excuses about how awful NHS rehab was, so family chipped in for 3 months intensive private detox. My uncle picked her up from it, took her shopping so she had well stocked cupboards, made sure she was okay. She had two numbers for 24/7 relapse prevention workers and was told to call family if she had the slightest urge, no matter the time.

He went back to check on her that night and found door to her flat wide open and her passed out in bed, three strange men in her living room surrounded by booze. We dread to think what she did for the booze money.

Do you have other siblings? Is there any way you can do an 'intervention'

Sorry you are going through this it's a dreadful worry, and I think perhaps the hardest is the guilt when you slowly stop caring.

Your poor grandparents :( It's so frustrated seeing nice people being taken for a ride, isn't it?

I have no other siblings. I don't think I have anyone else who would be willing to back me up on this. My mum would just insist he needs to come home for a bit of TLC from her , my mum's siblings have washed their hands of him, very understanably and my own DH doesn't care either.

Weirdly, I haven't felt any guilt about stopping caring. This will sound awful but I feel happy about it because I'd hate to be one of those people, like my mum and your gp's, who are never going to give up on hopeless cases. I hate being taken for a fool by anyone, family or not.

I can totally understand that, in fact at first I thought one of my uncles who was very vocal in his dismissal and utter anger was uncaring, until I realised he had seen the film playing to the end. He knew exactly how she was pushing everyones buttons and it must have frustrated him trying to make everyone else see.

If you can I'd suggest a long email to your brother, and be brutal. More likely than not he won't care, or will try to use it as another attempt at attention seeking.

Oh, he won't care. He's got a brass neck on him.

DH had stern words with him after he stole money from my mum. He had a stack of excuses ready the best one being "she never does any food shopping, I was hungry" (erm, 20 years old, GET A FUCKING JOB!) He re1lly believes everything bad in his life is not his fault. Poor victim.