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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DH to forgive me

153 replies

inthedoghouse1 · 01/03/2011 19:37

Have namechanged as going to let my H read this.

So.. we spent the last 2 weekends fitting some nice new doors on our cupboards. This morning, while looking for some shoes at the bottom of my cupboard, I lost my balance and fell, and unfortunately hit one of the mirrored doors, and cracked it (not that noticable, but cracked all the same). I immediately apologised a few times, went to work, apologised again by text and email.

Now, 12 hours later, my H is still mad at me and says I should be feeling guilty as well as sorry, as all the hours he spent installing them. Ive said sorry as many times as I can, and now im just getting angry. He says he is going to be angry for weeks still!

AIBU in thinking it was an accident, and he should let it go?

OP posts:
gorionine · 02/03/2011 07:53

Did he even ask if you were hurt? that would have been Dh's first concern, something like

ME : DH I am so sorry I fell on the new mirrored door and Sad broke it!

HIM : Are you hurt? Did you cut yourself on it?

ME : No cuts but io hurt my ankle and there is a big crack in the door!

Him : Never mind the door, let's see your ankle.

I am pretty sure that after that he would add something like "that's the staret of our 7 years bad luck!Grin(he is ot supersticious at all but would have joked about it to make me feel better)

I think Your Dh should put things in pers[ective and realise that you are more important than a door, even if it is new and morrored!

gorionine · 02/03/2011 07:55

Maybe I should not try to type long posts while getting the Dcs ready for school, the stress does nothing for my spelling!Blush

RunAwayWife · 02/03/2011 08:05

WOW is he 6 years old?
What a twonk

ledkr · 02/03/2011 08:18

op you knew this was crazy thats why you posted,he sounds like a bully.Stand up to him tell him
"look i fell it was an accident and i have apologised,i do not want to hear anymore about it now"
say this very loudly firmly in a tone you have not used before then if he mentions it again leave the room and do not respond.
Its a behaviour managment technique,if he behaves like a child treat him accordingly!

Ephiny · 02/03/2011 08:40

He's being ridiculous. Fair enough for either of you to be a bit disappointed about the doors being broken after you've spent time on them and only just got them finished - but these things happen, it was an accident, it can be fixed, and the important thing is you didn't hurt yourself. Being 'angry for weeks' is not normal, neither is you feeling you have to beg for his forgiveness.

Also doesn't sound particularly safe to have flimsy glass doors that break so easily...

coraltoes · 02/03/2011 08:48

Christ on a bike! it is a door, on a bloody wardrobe, which lo and behold HE CAN REPLACE! he has done it once already, should be quick enough to do a second time. I cannot believe he didn't ask how you were. What a f*cking idiot.

I don't get why you felt you had to apologise so much though, surely getting up, swearing and saying "oh god sorry i've chipped the mirror" would have been enough??

Original poster
inthedoghouse1 · 02/03/2011 09:24

He has said this morning that he has stopped stewing about it...so I guess thats it done then. I am sad that he has never once asked how I am, I wouldnt mind him showing that he actually cared how I am.

The door wont take too long to replace, its not like we have to rip the whole lot down and start again.

I still feel pretty Sad about it all really.

But... my H isnt a complete shit, he can be really nice Grin

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/03/2011 09:35

Thing is, you didn't help matters by begging for forgiveness. Quite possibly, in his mind, your pleas to be forgiven legitimisted his anger.

You should have said "You know what, I didn't kick the bloody thing. I fell into it. I think you are a total SHIT for deciding to punish me for an accident instead of giving a shit that I am hurt. Screw you taking weeks to stop being angry with ME, I am going to stay cross with you for years. so put that in your pipe and smoke it you prat "

Bogeyface · 02/03/2011 09:41

I was wondering something similar to Hec.

THat perhaps you going on and on about the door made him forget that you had hurt yourself because YOU were focussing on having damaged the door. So after all these apologies, he is thinking "FFS, stop going on about it" and that wound him up to the point where he admitted he will be "angry for weeks" when what he meant was pissed off and disappointed.

If you had apologised once and left it then perhaps he would have left it too.

Just a thought!

orangehead · 02/03/2011 09:46

I agree, concern over if you had hurt yourself should of been his main concern

HotGiggity · 02/03/2011 09:55

You must be so relieved that he's let you off the hook so soon and stopped stewing so quickly.

QuintessentialShadows · 02/03/2011 09:59

Did he stop stewing after he read this thread?

Does he feel ashamed of himself? Embarassed? He should.

privategodfrey · 02/03/2011 10:03

If you are a clumsy person and make a habit of breaking things through carelessness etc then I could understand him being angry at that moment but not for weeks afterwards.

My youngest DC is very cack-handed and sometimes him breaking something relatively minor is enough to make me blow my top which would seem OTT to a casual observer. They aren't party to the fact it is the 10th thing he has broken that week though!

If you walked down the stairs then I'm guessing he assumed you couldn't have been injured to any real extent.

Having said all the above, he sounds a twat about it all especially if you did half the work installing the bloody things!

FellatioNelson · 02/03/2011 10:22

He should just be grateful you weren't seriously hurt. It's frustrating for him, I know, but to blame you is childish and spoilt.

chipmonkey · 02/03/2011 10:22

privategodfrey, as a clumsy person, can I point out that no-one is deliberately clumsy. Please give your poor dc a break.

Themumsnot · 02/03/2011 10:31

People can't help being clumsy PrivateGodfrey. My DD is dyspraxic. So am I. We can't help our lack of co-ordination. YABVU to get angry at your son for something he can't do anything about.

privategodfrey · 02/03/2011 11:29

Please give your poor dc a break

Oh okay, I'll stop suspending him from the ceiling and beating him with a stick then ...

LOL. I don't shout at him every time he breaks something but when he has broken his mobile phone, iPod and our latest laptop in the space of 10 days then I think I'm entitled to be a bit pissed off!

Themumsnot

I know people can't help being clumsy, but in my DS's case it's a mixture of clumsiness and not taking proper care of things. He doesn't have dyspraxia, he's a very careless teenager so actually he CAN do something about it.

:)

BertieBotts · 02/03/2011 12:19

"my H isnt a complete shit, he can be really nice"

Of course he can - why would you be with him if he wasn't? Doesn't cancel out the times he is a shit though, unless maybe they are few and far between and he's genuinely apologetic about it.

Hecate and Bogeyface, don't you think that it's a bit odd she did feel the need to apologise so much when it first happened though? You wouldn't, I wouldn't, it wouldn't occur to us, so why did the OP think it was necessary? Either she's extremely nervous or he always reacts like this. Only the OP knows, I guess.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/03/2011 12:20

Yes. I do. It smacks of someone who is afraid of their partner's reactions.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 02/03/2011 12:25

Fear of your partner's reaction is not necessarily brought on by their behaviour. I react like that and over-apologise for things because of my father's treatment of me in the past. I am often over-defensive and apologetic, and my poor DH ends up saying 'I'm not your father'.

Just to make the point that you can't read too much into an entire relationship on the strength of one incident.

BertieBotts · 02/03/2011 12:38

I know PLW - it could be just that the OP has had a previous bad relationship, bad childhood etc, but to add it up with the H's sulking for weeks just says to me that there's more to this. Up to OP though if she wants to look into it more.

Original poster
inthedoghouse1 · 02/03/2011 13:17

I say sorry alot to try snap him out of a mood before he gets in one, if that makes sense? Im not scared of him, i just know he "sulks" he is a "sulker", im used to it, I dont think it makes him abusive because he sulks

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 02/03/2011 13:24

Sulking is listed as an abusive behaviour on the Women's Aid website. Here. The word abusive does seem a bit strong if sulking is all he is doing though. Still, it can't be much fun to live with.

Also I don't think the word afraid was necessarily meant in the way that you are afraid of him hitting you or shouting at you etc, but you are trying to prevent him from going into a mood, so you are afraid of his reaction (in a way) - that was all we were meaning :)

Themumsnot · 02/03/2011 13:27

I'd like to ask you something, OP.
What, if anything, do you think you have learned from this incident?
And do you think your DH has learned anything?
Will either of you change your behaviour in future as a result?

Ephiny · 02/03/2011 13:30

I probably wouldn't say 'abusive' based just on this thread. Still couldn't bear living with someone who regularly goes into 'moods' and 'sulks' (I mean adults, obviously!) and informs me that he's going to be 'angry for weeks' because I accidentally broke something, that's just ridiculous and laughable to me and I don't think I could have any respect for him.