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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this guy to his manager?

278 replies

AngryBeaver · 27/02/2011 17:48

Dh took one of our dc with him to Tesco earlier. They did a bit of shopping and then he took her to the cafe for a drink and a scone.
Whilst they were eating dh overheard another customer ask a cafe worker if he would keep an eye on her things,while she took her child to the loo.
The worker said yes.
The same worker then approached my dh and dd's table and said to dh..."check out the hot young mum when she comes out the toilet!!"Shock

Dh gave him one of these Hmm and turned away.
He told me when he got home,I was shocked and angry,not least because some perv had spoken like this infront of dd.

I rang Tesco and complained to the manager,who told me he was appalled.

my mum however,thought I was ott.
So,was I bu?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 27/02/2011 19:25

I think YABU - it wasn't an appropriate thing for the worker to say it but he was possibly just making (admittedly crass) conversation in a cack-handed way.
However, our local Tesco also employs people with additional needs and other problems, which may or may not be noticeable. You have no idea about this young man really and your DH should have just said something quietly.
I hope the cafe worker doesn't get fired for poor judgement and that the manager just has a quiet word about boundaries.

LDNmummy · 27/02/2011 19:25

Ok, I will, but just keep in mind that it is because you are reinforcing a society that creates the impression of women as nothing more than objects that some people say a woman deserved some unwanted attention as she was wearing a short skirt and things like that.

I have been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour many times in my life and it is not ok.

The fact that he felt he had the right to comment on the womans appearance to a complete stranger, which he wouldn't have had that stranger been a woman, shows more than just light hearted conversation, it is as if her appearance made her something to be shared with the OP's husband or any man in the vicinity, and his assumption was that this would be recieved positively.

Of course my ex's objectified me, I gave them the go ahead to do so, I allowed them sexual ownership of my body as they allowed me the same priviledge over them. And I am not saying it is wrong to look at and admire someone's physical attributes, it was the way he approached the situation as I have outlined above.

LDNmummy · 27/02/2011 19:28

If he had been making a comment to a friend of the same nature then I wouldn't find the comment THAT bad in itself, it is the context in which the situation occurred that makes it bad.

SalandersBro · 27/02/2011 19:29

if I was an eg of 'male eye candy', the situation is different. thinknig about it, i am much less threatened.

Hatesponge · 27/02/2011 19:29

wook, speaking as a lawyer I can say much worse than this is said in the workplace, particularly in city firms!

A partner in a firm I worked at some years ago once asked a close (male) friend/colleague of mine if he ever felt like giving me a good seeing to Shock Hmm

I should add that nothing was said/done about it, because the firm was like an old boys club, and that sort of comment was commonplace.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 19:30

"Talk of doctors, lawyers, teachers etc... are people seriously suggesting that male professionals don't make these kind of comments to one another?"

I am sure they do.

However, did that guy make his silly comment to another cafe worker? No. He made it to a customer.

Different thing altogether.

And I don't think the guy should be sacked. I doubt very much he will be. I suspect bog all will happen and the manager will probably say "You'll never guess what phone call I'VE just had...".

My point was simply about professionalism and appropriate behaviour in the workplace, specifically in interactions with customers.

You do not oogle a customer to another customer. It is inappropriate.

bettybosseye · 27/02/2011 19:32

dear LDNmummy your ex's fancied you before you "gave them ownership", and may well have invited their friends to check out the hotty.
You are being very uptight about an ill judged comment.

LDNmummy · 27/02/2011 19:35

betty as I have already outlined, had the comment been to one of his friends then fair enough. But it wasn't, it was to the nearest random guy he saw, which makes it different, as well as it not being a social setting might I add.

Vallhala · 27/02/2011 19:38

I would imagine that the OP's husband is indeed the laughing stock of the store by now, not only because someone complained about the comment but because that 'someone' was the offended person's wife and not even the offended person himself.

The comment was somewhat unprofessional but hardly a crime and I defy anyone to convince me that the OP's daughter would have even understood it, much less been affected by it.

What a sad, silly fuss over nothing!

bettybosseye · 27/02/2011 19:41

LDNmummy as I and many others have already outlined, this guys comment was inappropriate but not worthy of a complaint or a lecture about mysogeny. (the lecture was from you by the way).

Drizzela · 27/02/2011 19:42

I thought you were upset the woman had been objectified but to go on and ask your DH if she was indeed 'hot' leads me to think you aren't shy of objectifying women yourself..

I wouldn't have complained after the event. If I had been sat in the restaurant I would have said something to the offending individual about objectifying women. Maybe the best thing for your DD would have been if her Dad had stood up for the woman in question if front of DD but as he didnt I don't see what reporting it after the event will do.

bupcakesandcunting · 27/02/2011 19:43

"Ok, I will, but just keep in mind that it is because you are reinforcing a society that creates the impression of women as nothing more than objects that some people say a woman deserved some unwanted attention as she was wearing a short skirt and things like that."

Finding a woman/man attractive is NOT objectifying them. Even making the kind of twattish comment Tesco bloke did is not objectifying them.

I would count a woman walking down the street nad being vocally leered at by a group of blokes objectifying. Women being used as a fucktoy in a porn film is objectifying. Men buying NUTS to look at pictures of pneumatic blondes in suggestive poses is objectifying.

Making a passing comment that a member of the opposite sex is "hot" is NOT objectifying. It may have been ill-judged in this context but that is all.

52Girls · 27/02/2011 19:44

You rang up on behalf of your DH? Seriously?

Hahaha !!

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 19:44

some people say a woman deserved some unwanted attention as she was wearing a short skirt and things like that

well to be quite honest, if a woman goes out dressed attractively, showing a lot of leg, and does look good, then yes she is going to attract male attention, it isnt a crime to look as far as I am aware..

Hmm
NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 19:45

Yabu to complain. Ott.

bupcakesandcunting · 27/02/2011 19:45

I am just waiting for someone to suggest that the hot young mum has in fact been raped by Tesco bloke, metaphorically raped, I mean.

LDNmummy · 27/02/2011 19:46

betty I don't dispute that you and others have stated that, but that doesn't mean that I agree with your opinion so I don't get your point. Should I just agree with the majority or something?

Salmotrutta · 27/02/2011 19:46

I'll bet the guy realised he'd stepped over the mark anyway if the OP's husband really did do this:

Dh gave him one of these Hmm and turned away

I agree with Vallhala that the OP's DD was probably oblivious too.

Salmotrutta · 27/02/2011 19:48

over-stepped even!

LDNmummy · 27/02/2011 19:51

squeakytoy by unwanted attention I meant situations such as manhandling in a club when no invitation has been given for the other person to touch you etc..

Not appreciative looks.

bupcakes "Finding a woman/man attractive is NOT objectifying them"

I agree with you on this point, and didn't say that it was, I actually stated already that admiring someones physical attributes is fine IMO, it is what he did next that is wrong.

bettybosseye · 27/02/2011 19:52

NO LDNmummy i would hate if you just agreed with he majority. All i'm saying is your whole feminist rant is OTT in this case, the guy got it wrong but he hardly deserves being held up as everything that is unequal or unfair between the sexes.
Men lust after women, women lust after men and every combination in between, and sometimes people say stupid things, get used to it.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 19:53

but he didnt touch her, he just just said to a fellow bloke "check her out"...

If a woman working there had said to the Op, "phwoarr that bloke over there was a bit of alright".. would she have gone to the manager demanding the woman be sacked????

Ridiculously OTT behaviour ...

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/02/2011 19:54

OP your behaviour was disgustingly officious. You weren't even there. You don't even know if the encounter happened exactly as your H described it. And yet you stuck your fucking beak in and did something that may have cost that cafe worker his job.
Do you feel proud of yourself? Really?

bupcakesandcunting · 27/02/2011 19:55

"I agree with you on this point, and didn't say that it was, I actually stated already that admiring someones physical attributes is fine IMO, it is what he did next that is wrong"

I still don't think it is objectifying. It is unprofessional and a bit dense of him to do so but he was making a comment that many women/men make about the opposite sex every day. He just made that kind of remark to a customer which is an error of judgement.

Has the day come when we can't even state that we might find a person "hot" in fear of objectifying them? (And I'm speaking generally, not referring to Tesco bloke, I bet his ears are on fire tonight Grin)

Drizzela · 27/02/2011 19:56

I agree, appreciating a woman's good looks to yourself is natural. Talking about it to a random male is the kind of boysclub behaviour I despise. SO when the woman comes out of the toilet there are two men poised to ogle her some more with a little in joke between them that she can't be party to.

It is worng, but as I say, it was up to the DH to address it with the man in question, not for someone who wasn't even there to call the guy's manager.

If OP's concern is really for the inappropriatness of the comment in front of the child, what good will addressing it after the event do? The most powerful thing for the little girl would have been to have seen daddy doing the right thing and challenging the behaviour.

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