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Original poster

Regular Showering is the norm? Yes? My bloody marriage feels like a sham!

142 replies

BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:26

I have name-changed. DH knows my talk name and I wouldn't want him to see this.

I need to vent. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.

I am very worried that I don't love my DH. We are 22, with a 3 year old. Our lovely DD wasn't planned, but we decided to go ahead and we both adore her. We got together at 17, I fell pregnant at 18, we got married at 20.

I just don't feel like I'm in love with my DH anymore and it's freaking me out because I don't want to feel this way.

I suppose there are lots of factors, but the main one is probably just that I don't find him attractive anymore. He has always been lazy when it comes to looking after himself, but personal hygiene has just got so much worse since we got our own house.

He will go literally weeks without showering if I don't actually say 'Please go and have a shower.' He will happily wear the same clothes for days, he doesn't do any washing, I have to search the house for his clothes to wash them, as he can never be bothered putting them in the laundry basket.

I am aware that this can be a sign of depression, but I am as positive as can be that he is not depressed. He just can't be bothered.

Obviously, because of this, sometimes I struggle with sex. I know it might sound awful but sometimes I just can't bring myself to have sex with him when he hasn't showered in two weeks. He was annoyed last night when I didn't want to have sex because he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, and I just felt like I couldn't do it. The lack of sex is very frustrating.

And when we do, it is not very good. He has gotten very overweight because he will only eat burgers/pizzas/curry, and so he doesn't have very much energy. He makes no effort with me sexually/romantically, and when he gets home from work he only wants his playstation, which I can understand to an extent as he must be tired but I just can't help feeling a little neglected. I have tried making an effort to get things back on track but every effort just falls by the wayside.

I don't know how to approach this anymore, and I just don't feel 'in love' with him. I love him dearly, and only ever want him to be happy, but it's the kind of love I would have for a family member. And he is a wonderful father, and I wouldn't want to separate DD from him. He is my best friend, I want him in my life, but he doesn't feel like my husband. It's making me very sad, and at 22 I feel like I've signed myself off for feeling lonely forever. I don't know what to do, I suppose I am hoping for some advise? I hope I haven't come across as mean, I just needed to get a few things out.

OP posts:
moondog · 26/02/2011 20:27

Good God, he sounds horrendous., I wouldn't live with him, let alone shag him.

He sounds about 57 too!

Original poster
BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:29

That's the thing moondog it makes me feel so much older than I am, too.

OP posts:
thebountymuncher · 26/02/2011 20:30

He sounds revolting.

You certainly don't sound mean- awful for you that a man with such poor hygiene would expect you to even sit near him let alone have sex with him.

Yuk.

moondog · 26/02/2011 20:30

Poor you, you should be in your prime, not living like this. Sad

AlistairSim · 26/02/2011 20:30
Shock

He sounds pretty grim.

Have you told him how much he smells? How off-putting you find it?

Btw, you don't sound horrid at all.

Firawla · 26/02/2011 20:32

his lack of hygiene sounds really extreme Shock
if he ask him about it, what does he say?? like what is his explanation for it, does he really think its not a big deal?!

Original poster
BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:32

Thank god, I was worried I would sound so mean! I have tried telling him that it's off-putting, but he says things will change, and they don't. I just don't feel like I'm in a relationship, I just feel like I'm living with a family member.

OP posts:
whattheheckisthisflaminplace · 26/02/2011 20:32

I agree with AlistairSim, you don't sound horrid...god, I can't imagine

I really hope it gets better for you x

Original poster
BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:33

No, I don't think he gets just how unusual it is. Sad

OP posts:
rasta · 26/02/2011 20:33

My goodness Sad

You need to sit him down and have a long, long talk with him. Do you think he's aware of how you are feeling?

eviscerateyourmemory · 26/02/2011 20:33

You dont sound mean. If anything it sounds like you are maybe being too understanding. Have you told him how you feel, as clearly as you have said it here?

Original poster
BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:35

I just don't know what more I can say than 'You should really have a shower' I have told him that sometimes I find it a bit off putting, but I can never find the right words, I'm scared of hurting his feelings. The whole thing is really upsetting me, because I just don't find him attractive anymore. It's exhausting pretending and I'm scared it's gone forever.

OP posts:
hoops997 · 26/02/2011 20:36

8Blah* i have just got rid of my DP for the same thing.......not so much the showering, but the other things like playing the PS, being lazy and me not feeling like I was in a relationship...........I gave him lots of warnings but he never attempted to change so I gave him the boot, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, but he keeps phoning me asking what he did wrong!!!

CPtart · 26/02/2011 20:38

He is a wonderful father, yet he comes home from work and "all he wants is his playstation???".....

RachelHRD · 26/02/2011 20:39

You don't sound mean at all. It's totally understandable that you have gone off him is he is so lax with his personal hygiene - 2 weeks without a shower is really grim by anyone's standards :(

I think you need to sit down and have an honest talk with him and say that if he wants you and he to have a good sex life then he needs to make more effort with his personal hygiene. Try and get him to start a routine of showering at least every other day if not daily and to put his clothes in the washing basket daily/every other day.

Maybe also suggest that you each have an evening a week where you go out and do some form of exercise - swimming, a class etc to motivate him to start taking care of himself more and get away from the playstation. Perhaps try swimming as a family - at least then you can get him to shower before and after! I would also take more control over his diet and intersperse the pizza, curry etc with healthier alternatives. Maybe you could also make Friday or Saturday evening a 'date night' where you either get a babysitter or stay in but make an effort dressing up and have a nice meal together with no TV or playstation!

Its really tough but he needs to know that he needs to make more of an effort if he wants his 'perks'! It's so easy to get into a rut of doing the same thing every day and not make an effort to change.

HTH
Rach x

FakePlasticTrees · 26/02/2011 20:39

Have you told you will not have sex unless he's had a shower that day or just asked him when he's had a shower? Have you told him it is not acceptable to go more than 24 hours without a shower? What's his family like? Do they smell or do they all manage to wash regularly?

I think a serious talk is in order. I would see this as disrespectful of you.

cybilliberty · 26/02/2011 20:39

What about what YOU need from your partner?

He's not giving you that is he?

you are being FAR too nice and polite about all this

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 20:39

You haven't come across as mean. Far from it.

You are way too understanding.

How do you shag someone who is a soap dodger?

I have no constructive advice really as I left a relationship similar to this years ago.

eviscerateyourmemory · 26/02/2011 20:39

Have you said to him "If you dont wash on a regular basis I will leave you because I cant live like this" Dont try to avoid upsetting him - its only fair to give him a chance to change by making him aware of the problem and the potential consequences of that.

CarGirl · 26/02/2011 20:39

I think you have to be brutal honest with him, wrinkle nose "phoar when did you last shower you stink", he makes an amorous move - you snuggle up and then "uegh what's that smell"

Why are you pandering to his stinky habits?

your sheets must smell minging - I honestly couldn't have sex if my dh and/or bed smelt.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/02/2011 20:39

Think this a situation for couples counseling.

Has he ever had to live on his own and manage his life independantly or did he move from mum /fa,ily to you?
Becasue it sounds like you've become his mother - comes in goes to his playstation (like a teenagere) leaves clothes around the house (like a teenager) eats junk food (?doesn't know how to cook) like (some) teenagers).

Sounds like he needs to grow up and address his resonsibiliies now he is AN ADULT! How is his relationship with your dd does he do much with her and more importantly for her?

noddyholder · 26/02/2011 20:40

You are very young. If this is the situation now and the relationship is in its infancy with a young child then I don't see much hope really.You are only going to change more and grow apart if your fundamental differences are so apparent now.He can still be a ogood dad and not a good partner.

SherbetDibDab · 26/02/2011 20:41

What's his job, because if he stinks that bad, he could lose that too.

I think it's beyond the stage of not hurting his feelings. Does he realise what he's in danger if losing?

Is there anyone else who could speak to him, his Mum or whatever, back up your case a bit,.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 20:42

Fuck it.

Sorry op but i would have to leave if I were in your shoes.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 20:42

why are you scared of hurting his feeling? his whiff must be hurting your nostrils...

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