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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regular Showering is the norm? Yes? My bloody marriage feels like a sham!

142 replies

BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:26

I have name-changed. DH knows my talk name and I wouldn't want him to see this.

I need to vent. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.

I am very worried that I don't love my DH. We are 22, with a 3 year old. Our lovely DD wasn't planned, but we decided to go ahead and we both adore her. We got together at 17, I fell pregnant at 18, we got married at 20.

I just don't feel like I'm in love with my DH anymore and it's freaking me out because I don't want to feel this way.

I suppose there are lots of factors, but the main one is probably just that I don't find him attractive anymore. He has always been lazy when it comes to looking after himself, but personal hygiene has just got so much worse since we got our own house.

He will go literally weeks without showering if I don't actually say 'Please go and have a shower.' He will happily wear the same clothes for days, he doesn't do any washing, I have to search the house for his clothes to wash them, as he can never be bothered putting them in the laundry basket.

I am aware that this can be a sign of depression, but I am as positive as can be that he is not depressed. He just can't be bothered.

Obviously, because of this, sometimes I struggle with sex. I know it might sound awful but sometimes I just can't bring myself to have sex with him when he hasn't showered in two weeks. He was annoyed last night when I didn't want to have sex because he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, and I just felt like I couldn't do it. The lack of sex is very frustrating.

And when we do, it is not very good. He has gotten very overweight because he will only eat burgers/pizzas/curry, and so he doesn't have very much energy. He makes no effort with me sexually/romantically, and when he gets home from work he only wants his playstation, which I can understand to an extent as he must be tired but I just can't help feeling a little neglected. I have tried making an effort to get things back on track but every effort just falls by the wayside.

I don't know how to approach this anymore, and I just don't feel 'in love' with him. I love him dearly, and only ever want him to be happy, but it's the kind of love I would have for a family member. And he is a wonderful father, and I wouldn't want to separate DD from him. He is my best friend, I want him in my life, but he doesn't feel like my husband. It's making me very sad, and at 22 I feel like I've signed myself off for feeling lonely forever. I don't know what to do, I suppose I am hoping for some advise? I hope I haven't come across as mean, I just needed to get a few things out.

OP posts:
maxpower · 26/02/2011 21:00

appalling typos Blush

FabbyChic · 26/02/2011 21:00

Personally I don't think it will ever work, you just got together too young.

Sometimes you can't get the feelings back no matter how much you try.

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/02/2011 21:00

OP - in some ways I hope it is a wind up.

Sadly, threads about partners with poor personal hygiene seem to crop up all to frequently.

Your situation sounds dreadful. And I repeat what I said in my post - he is being hugely disrespectful to you. I can't see why on earth you are worrying about hurting his feelings? You have to make it absolutely clear to him that this is unacceptable.

It's very worrying that you feel you can't call him on this.

GeekLove · 26/02/2011 21:04

Does he care about hurting YOUR feelings by showing you no respect with respect to hygene, tidiness etc?

Also I would put my foot down wrt cooking. Only cook one meal and give him the choice of take it or leave it. Alternatively he could do the cooking if he is so picky.

However I was in this situation once ( admittedly I was still in 6th form) with someone who had only taken up washing when he fancied me - then gave up along with manners and respect. I dumped him soon after.

If you do want to work on this relationship it will be an uphill struggle. Right now he has a house, catering, housekeeping and sex and from his POV has everything he wants.

foreverondiet · 26/02/2011 21:05

FWIW I had a colleague with terrible BO.

We all discussed what to do as no one wanted to sit near him but he make the office smell.... We all talked about it behind his back. Eventually after much discussion another bloke the same age was picked to have the conversation. It was a client facing role so also a worry that he wasn't a great asset for the company.

For a couple of weeks things improved, and we were all so relieved (this bloke was single)....

But then he went back to him old habits. If anything worse. I asked to move desk as I couldn't bear to be at work Blush. He was made redundant shortly afterwards. The boss had to choose someone I guess, and no one was sad to see him go.

Original poster
BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 21:05

The only reason I feel I can't speak to him about it is because I have tried saying it gently before, and it hasn't worked, so I'd have to take a much harsher approach...this is something which doesn't come naturally to me, and I'd just feel mean. I do realise I have to do this, but what if it's all just for nothing?

OP posts:
solooovely · 26/02/2011 21:06

I think that the fussy eating and things are slightly different issues to the hygeine problem. Lots of people are fussy eaters and eat crap but everyone (unless they have serious problems) wash regular.

Although actual saying that I have a sibling who doesn't! Ok I'm talking shit!

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/02/2011 21:06

Why would it be for nothing?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 21:06

Then at least you tried.

pinkstinks · 26/02/2011 21:08

i feel for you OP but if you are not happy now, you need to do something about it, as it will only get worse, you dont want to end up resenting him.
For me personal hygiene would be a deal breaker, i think you will have to be cruel to be kind (not cruel though) Just honest.

Thingumy · 26/02/2011 21:08

Can you broach this with anyone in real life-your friends,siblings etc?

JemimaMuddleFuck · 26/02/2011 21:08

You will never get the respect that you deserve, from a man that doesn't even respect himself.

You do not want to hurt him; but think that it is acceptable for him to hurt you, through his actions, or rather lack of them.

You, quite rightly silently seething and resentment is growing daily.

That isn't a relationship worth saving, as it stands, BlahBlah.

Marne · 26/02/2011 21:09

You either try and talk to him, leave him or put up with it and face a life of being unhappy.

You need to talk to him.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/02/2011 21:09

Don't be his mother. Don't fall into that role.

He went from home to you and what changed? he has a woman cooking and cleaning and - sorry - nagging him - while he plays his games and has teenager hygiene, and yes he's got a job but he's not taking it seriously like a grown man with a family, is he? if he doesn't even ensure he is clean?

He's being a child. You have a choice. Be his wife or be his mother. demand a man or look after a child.

MadamDeathstare · 26/02/2011 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eviscerateyourmemory · 26/02/2011 21:13

I think that some men need you to be blunt before they will really listen.

You arent being mean. Wouldnt you want him to tell you if you were being like this?

FourFortyFour · 26/02/2011 21:14

Age is not necessarily relevant here and it doesn't help the OP to tell her she married too young. She can't change that.

OP - does your husband want more sex because if he doesn't he won't be bothered by you telling him he needs to shower or you won't sleep with him.

If you can't speak to him, write him a letter. Spell it out to him how things will be if you separate and remind him how good things could be again. Presumably he didn't smell when you started dating him?

RachelHRD · 26/02/2011 21:17

I do think there is still hope for you both. a 22 year old man is a lot less mature than a 22 year old woman and I think sadly you need to be honest with him and tell him exactly how you are feeling otherwise nothing will change.

It is far better to hurt his feelings a bit with honesty than by announcing down the line that you are leaving him. Some men need things spelled out to them and lets face it most of us have to 'mother' our DH's in some way or other because men are generally crap at the stuff we are good at!!

Could you talk to his Mum or sibling if he has one and see if they could help in some way?

R x

PepsiPopcorn · 26/02/2011 21:24

I know you said you don't think it's depression, but I wonder if it could be. Presumably he used to pay more care to personal hygiene? Not taking care of yourself as you normally would can be a sign, even if someone seems outwardly happy. Weight gain, lack of energy, withdrawing from contact with others (and preferring the PlayStation), and giving the impression of "can't be bothered" are all signs of depression. I would encourage him to go to the GP.

mmsmum · 26/02/2011 21:30

Ever heard the expression be cruel to be kind? You've tried subtle now it's time to be tough and tell him exactly what you think. He's a minger and it's not normal. Either you take the stance that he is a waste of space and walk or you think he needs some sort of help and take him to his gp. And please bin the playstation

HalfPastWine · 26/02/2011 21:42

RachelHRD, SherbertDiD make very good points. Definitely worth sitting him down for a chat even if it does feel an uncomfortable topic! Failing that it may be worth getting some counselling if you both want to make it work.
Hope you sort it out!x

leafbird · 26/02/2011 21:47

i really think you need to be honest with him.You should only have to tell him once that if he want to have sex he needs to be clean, there is no excuse for this ,you need him to respect you,you are worried about hurting his feeling but you need to put a stop to this childlike behaviour.My partner and i had our first son at 19 and although he didnt have the hygiene issues he came back form uni and would go on the playstation and not help with the house work, i felt like i didnt want to be with him for quite a while so i sat down and told him how i felt about everything we talked for hours, its not easy but we are now ten years together and with two children trying for our third and so very happy we didn't give up. being young parents is very hard but if you love him its worth a try.good luck xxx

freebreeze · 26/02/2011 21:55

I think you need to communicate in order to save your relationship. Tell him how seriouslu affected you are by his lack of effort and poor hygiene. Tell him it's hard to feel love for him like this. This is the fairest way as then you give him the chance to change. Make him realise how serious you are.

Love isn't a feeling only, not if it's going to last any length of time. It's often about good communication and honesty.

I can understand how hard it must be for you to cope with him at present.

Hope it all works out x

glitterkitty · 26/02/2011 21:57

Oh OP, I know a guy like this. (Not DP thank god).

He has always been like this. I mean, not washing, not changing clothes, washing hair etc. His hands are like ingrained with dirt. He dosent clean his teeth. Its awful. His wife left him- and although I was sad (they have a son) I couldnt blame her.

He too plays a lot of computer games, eats no veg or fruit, generally he dosent take care of himself. Lazy around the house. Borrows from people and dosent repay. He has been like this since I can remember.

At 35 he has been diagnosed depressed- says he always has been (since his teenage years). But meds/ therapy etc made no difference.

Anyway, sorry for hijack but I really feel for you. You sound really nice- and I guess I'd say try and change him now- I think people get set in a pattern over time and it just gets harder.

Also, I think that if you just let things keep sliding at some point you'll just be so repulsed you'll probably just turf him out. I dont think you'll be able to stand this indefinatly.

Good luck x

nomorefrizz · 26/02/2011 21:57

He is showing you no respect whatsoever. I wonder what his family are like hygiene wise. Maybe he has no clue how many times most people shower.
You sound lovely. Has it occurred to you that he may have fallen out of love too. You have to talk to him.