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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regular Showering is the norm? Yes? My bloody marriage feels like a sham!

142 replies

BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:26

I have name-changed. DH knows my talk name and I wouldn't want him to see this.

I need to vent. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.

I am very worried that I don't love my DH. We are 22, with a 3 year old. Our lovely DD wasn't planned, but we decided to go ahead and we both adore her. We got together at 17, I fell pregnant at 18, we got married at 20.

I just don't feel like I'm in love with my DH anymore and it's freaking me out because I don't want to feel this way.

I suppose there are lots of factors, but the main one is probably just that I don't find him attractive anymore. He has always been lazy when it comes to looking after himself, but personal hygiene has just got so much worse since we got our own house.

He will go literally weeks without showering if I don't actually say 'Please go and have a shower.' He will happily wear the same clothes for days, he doesn't do any washing, I have to search the house for his clothes to wash them, as he can never be bothered putting them in the laundry basket.

I am aware that this can be a sign of depression, but I am as positive as can be that he is not depressed. He just can't be bothered.

Obviously, because of this, sometimes I struggle with sex. I know it might sound awful but sometimes I just can't bring myself to have sex with him when he hasn't showered in two weeks. He was annoyed last night when I didn't want to have sex because he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, and I just felt like I couldn't do it. The lack of sex is very frustrating.

And when we do, it is not very good. He has gotten very overweight because he will only eat burgers/pizzas/curry, and so he doesn't have very much energy. He makes no effort with me sexually/romantically, and when he gets home from work he only wants his playstation, which I can understand to an extent as he must be tired but I just can't help feeling a little neglected. I have tried making an effort to get things back on track but every effort just falls by the wayside.

I don't know how to approach this anymore, and I just don't feel 'in love' with him. I love him dearly, and only ever want him to be happy, but it's the kind of love I would have for a family member. And he is a wonderful father, and I wouldn't want to separate DD from him. He is my best friend, I want him in my life, but he doesn't feel like my husband. It's making me very sad, and at 22 I feel like I've signed myself off for feeling lonely forever. I don't know what to do, I suppose I am hoping for some advise? I hope I haven't come across as mean, I just needed to get a few things out.

OP posts:

pointythings · 26/02/2011 22:10

I agree with Pepsi - just because my DH - who normally has excellent personal hygiene and self care - shocked me by not wahing at all over a long weekend when he was yet again* doing a two person job by himself.

I tackled him over it, basically told him to go and have a long hot shower because it would make him feel better (it did) and then told him sod it, we were going to get a takeaway that night.

I took the pressure off him by saying that as long as this situation with work peristed, we'd do takeaway every Friday, and it helped.

OP, your DP does sound as if he may well have some depression issues. Can I ask - has there been any change in his sleep patterns, i.e. much more need for sleep, or much less? Is his interest in sex unchanged or not?

Try looking at this and putting yourself in his shoes: Beck Depression Inventory. Scoring is straightforward - you add up the numbers of the answers you select and there's your score. Anything over 26 indicates moderate to severe depression and would indicate a need for your DP to seek help. It's not a perfect tool for you to use on his behalf by any means, but it might make sense of things for you - it certainly did for me when I filled it out at a bad period in my life and scored a 27, and it helped me evaluate my life and take steps to improve.

Of course if your DP has always been dodgy about washing then none of the above applies and you should just ignore it.

AKMD · 26/02/2011 22:22

I got married at 20 too (DH is older but only by 3 years) and I hate it when people tell me I got married too young or presume that me talking about our relationship as anything other than perfect married bliss means we made a mistake and we should go our separate ways while we're still young, like our marriage is a practice run for when we're older. The fact is that we chose to get married and we see that as a 'forever' commitment.

[Struggles to return to point...]

Your DH is being disgusting. You are his wife, not his mother. You are already talking about leaving him so why are you worried about hurting his feelings tell him to wash and eat properly? You need to sit him down and tell him this as straight as you have told it to us, as perfect strangers over the Internet. As has been said, he needs to start now and keep it up for 2 months, at which point you will reassess how you both feel. Put together an action plan: he must shower every day, he must wear clean clothes and put his dirty ones in the washing basket, he must see his GP to be screened for depression, he must eat a proper diet and start exercising. Have a look at fitness classes run by your council and aask him to pick one to sign up to, to start immediately. No excuses, no prevaricating.

If he won't do this, despite you telling him exactly how you feel, he is, unfortunately, not going to change. He will lose his job and not be able to find another one. He will sit at home playing his PS3 all day, stuffing his face with junk food. He will be obese and he willnstink worse than he does already. I could not live with a man like this and it's upmto you to decide if you can.

RevoltingPeasant · 26/02/2011 23:00

OP - you said you changed your name because your DH knew your normal nickname.

I'd show him this thread. That would a) serve the function of writing him a letter; b) show him you are genuinely upset if you are willing to post about it on the internet and c) show him that it is NOT normal because nearly 70 other strangers have said it is not.

This might be too harsh for you but when this has died down, can you print this out, leave it on the kitchen table with a note and go to your mum's with DC for the weekend? Then tell him to call you when he wants to talk.

ilovemyhens · 26/02/2011 23:32

I think you need to sheep dip him then stick him out in the shed

Unless he's seriously mentally ill then there's no excuse for behaving like this.

Ditch him and DO NOT have sex with him otherwise you'll end up developing infections due to his non existent hygiene.

Morloth · 27/02/2011 00:05

Oh hell no, I wouldn't be putting up with this if I was 62 let alone 22 with your whole life stretching ahead of you.

Do Not Settle, you are not his mother, if you love him, give him one more chance, tell him straight up that he needs to wash his clothes and shower at least once a day or he will have to go. Set it all out, you shouldn't have to but it seems you do. Give him a list if you really want him, but if he doesn't get his shit together then he is dead weight that you are better off without.

I repeat DO NOT SETTLE. You get one go at life, just one, don't waste it.

MissyKLo · 27/02/2011 00:11

Gross

I can't go a day without a shower let alone days or weeks

You are so so young, do something about this situation or before you know it you will be old and resentful

Mumi · 27/02/2011 00:18

My narcissist XP was like this. Claimed he didn't get dirty after days of not washing (unlike mere mortals ), to the point that he either denied that anyone else could smell him or if they could and didn't like it, that there must be something wrong with them, because it was "natural" ( again ), whereas what is actually healthy is to pursue at least a very basic level of personal hygiene.

It was by no means the sole area in his life he was neglectful of to the detriment of others, and it seems this is also the case with your H.

foreverondiet · 27/02/2011 00:22

OP - I think people have given you good advice, you are not his mother and he is no longer a teenager. You don't have to put up with this for the next 50 years......

As the subtle approach hasn't worked you are going to have to be firm and harsh. Make a list of the things that he needs to change, and put it to him as an ultimatum, or the relationship is over.

eg:

shower daily, clean clothes, dirty ones in laundry etc
go on diet and start to loose weight
do exercise 3x a week (maybe ea sports active on playstation?)
cut back playstation hours to spend time with you, no more than 1 hour per evening, or 4 hours over the weekend.
date night once a week, if no money for babysitter then do something together at home, eg cook nice meal/watch film.

crystalglasses · 27/02/2011 00:26

Another approach is to make positive comments everytime he does bathe; tell him how nice he smells and how much it turns you on. You could also suggest having shower or bath together as a precursor to sex.

BitOfFun · 27/02/2011 00:30

It shouldn't be like training a dog though, crystal. If the guy doesn't appreciate that nobody wants to have a knob that smells like Stilton near them, then he is a bit of a lost cause

Maelstrom · 27/02/2011 00:37

Hurt his feelings dear.... better to hurt them asking him now to improve his hygiene than hurting him by leaving him because you can't stand the situation anymore.

Having said that, you are very young, you have all your life in front of you, don't waste it this way. He either makes a massive change or leaves. It is not fair on you.

Morloth · 27/02/2011 00:43

Can you imagine having 50 (or possibly more!) years of a stinky manchild next to you? Really? Your whole life picking up after someone, having sex you don't want to etc.

God, it makes me so sad that you would even contemplate this, what a waste.

ccpccp · 27/02/2011 09:00

It sounds like you arent the only one feeling trapped in the relationship, OP. DH is showing classic signs of feeling stuck in a rut too.

17 is far far too early to be having children. At 22 you want to be out on the pull every weekend meeting new and interesting people - which you cant do if you are married and have a toddler.

Dont be surprised if you find he has his own things he wants to talk to you about if you bring the hygene up. 'We never have sex anymore so why bother showering' etc. etc.

Best of luck, but maybe you've grown apart as you've grown up. 17 was a long time ago.

lalalonglegs · 27/02/2011 10:09

The OP did have a child and marry at a relatively young age - but I'm not sure how relevant that is to her problem. And, second, although I agree that it is harder for those who wed very young to make their marriages last, it's not impossible - a lot of people on this thread seem to think the relationship is doomed on the basis of the OP's age and nothing much else.

BlahBlahLady, you say that your husband isn't depressed - are you sure? Not taking an interest in his personal care, eating comfort food and not wanting to communicate are classic signs of this as is "not being bothered" with life. I agree with those who say that the time has come for counseling. Good luck - he can improve.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 27/02/2011 10:20

He doesn't sound 57 to me, he is acting like a 7 year old. He's eating and acting however he likes and fighting against the responsibilities he has at a young age.

SummerRain · 27/02/2011 10:36

DP gets like this when he's depressed.... stops washing, spends far too long on games consoles, eats piles of shite.

I tolerate it for a week or two to see if he'll snap out of it himself and then i start nagging him. I tell him he reeks, constantly nag about showers, tell him off if he's ignoring the kids in favour of video games and stop buying so much crap so it's just not in the house. And i tell him that i'm treating him like a child as he's treating me like his mother and that I don't shag someone who behaves like a child. If it continues I tell him he either snaps out of it, goes to the gp about depression or leaves... his choice.

Yes there are blazing rows but it works, we got together young as well and had children young and we're still together 9 years later.

One thing I wil say about the food is... dp is picky too but i cook a meal for all of us daily and he either eats that or goes hungry as the shopping budget doesn't extend to facilitating anyone's pickiness... least of all his.

Your dh is putting his job and marriage on the line and if he's incapable of breaking the cycle himself then you have to snap him out of it... at the very least if it doesn't work you can leave the marriage knowing you tried your hardest to resolve the problems but it was him who refused to change

madonnawhore · 27/02/2011 10:42

You're so young, I wouldn't waste any more time with this loser. You have time on your side to meet someone else who will have respect for himself and consideration for you.

FreudianSlippery · 27/02/2011 10:49

I would be very worried about his self esteem, or rather lack of it. Whenever I start feeling bad about myself, self-care goes out the window

Georgimama · 27/02/2011 11:06

You're not his mother, but he does have one, I presume. What do his parents think about his complete lack of personal hygiene? Have you spoken to them about it? Or your own parents? They must have noticed.

CameronCook · 27/02/2011 11:09

You are far too young to live your life unhappy.

Do not let him get away with behaving like a child - you are not his mother

TheProvincialLady · 27/02/2011 11:18

You are married to this man and you have a child together (whether or not tat was a wise decision is a different matter) so you need to try and make a go of this. That means talking to him properly and seriously about the things he does and how they affect you and his family. Tell him what he needs to do to change so that you will feel happy.

If he is not prepared to make those changes, get help and enter the adult world then you need to leave him and make a success of your life, because he will only drag you down if you stay with him like this. It won't be much fun for your child to be the kid with the fat, smelly father either

TheProvincialLady · 27/02/2011 11:19

Reading that back, it sounds like I am being nasty about fat people. I'm not, I promise. I mean that if he is very overweight AND smelly then children will notice and comment. Sorry for any offence.

Ariesgirl · 27/02/2011 11:21

You don't sound mean. You sound very sweet and nice.

Tell him also, that by wanting to have sex with you when he filthy, he is putting your health at risk.

Georgimama · 27/02/2011 11:24

ProvincialLady, she only needs to try and make a go of this if her husband is prepared to do so to. Marriage involves 2 people trying to put each other first, not one slobbing on the sofa and the other running around holding everything together.

TheProvincialLady · 27/02/2011 11:41

Oh yes Georgiemama, I completely agree. The OP's responsibility is to set out what she will accept from him and how she would support him if necessary, and what would happen (ie leave him) if he doesn't change. After that it is all up to the H. I hope my post doesn't sound like I think the OP should fix everything. I don't think that and it wouldn't be possible anyway. But you have to tell the other person what is wrong and what you will do.

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