Regular Showering is the norm? Yes? My bloody marriage feels like a sham!

[BlahBlahLady]

I have name-changed. DH knows my talk name and I wouldn't want him to see this.

I need to vent. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.

I am very worried that I don't love my DH. We are 22, with a 3 year old. Our lovely DD wasn't planned, but we decided to go ahead and we both adore her. We got together at 17, I fell pregnant at 18, we got married at 20.

I just don't feel like I'm in love with my DH anymore and it's freaking me out because I don't want to feel this way.

I suppose there are lots of factors, but the main one is probably just that I don't find him attractive anymore. He has always been lazy when it comes to looking after himself, but personal hygiene has just got so much worse since we got our own house.

He will go literally weeks without showering if I don't actually say 'Please go and have a shower.' He will happily wear the same clothes for days, he doesn't do any washing, I have to search the house for his clothes to wash them, as he can never be bothered putting them in the laundry basket.

I am aware that this can be a sign of depression, but I am as positive as can be that he is not depressed. He just can't be bothered.

Obviously, because of this, sometimes I struggle with sex. I know it might sound awful but sometimes I just can't bring myself to have sex with him when he hasn't showered in two weeks. He was annoyed last night when I didn't want to have sex because he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, and I just felt like I couldn't do it. The lack of sex is very frustrating.

And when we do, it is not very good. He has gotten very overweight because he will only eat burgers/pizzas/curry, and so he doesn't have very much energy. He makes no effort with me sexually/romantically, and when he gets home from work he only wants his playstation, which I can understand to an extent as he must be tired but I just can't help feeling a little neglected. I have tried making an effort to get things back on track but every effort just falls by the wayside.

I don't know how to approach this anymore, and I just don't feel 'in love' with him. I love him dearly, and only ever want him to be happy, but it's the kind of love I would have for a family member. And he is a wonderful father, and I wouldn't want to separate DD from him. He is my best friend, I want him in my life, but he doesn't feel like my husband. It's making me very sad, and at 22 I feel like I've signed myself off for feeling lonely forever. I don't know what to do, I suppose I am hoping for some advise? I hope I haven't come across as mean, I just needed to get a few things out.

Sorry, we are in agreement then.

Unfortunately for all three of them I don't think the OP sounds like she would be prepared to leave him if things didn't improve.

When i was younger (17) my ex never showered, sometimes he would go weeks too and just wash his face on a morning

I couldnt bring myself to sleep with him either.

I never said anything to him. You should maybe tell him your problems and explain to him that you would like him to shower daily like most people do.

When i first met my husband i used to ring him after work at 5pm and he would always be in the bath daily (he worked nights so had only just got out of bed and straight into the bath)
i said to him one day, your in the bath AGAIN? and he said 'Yeah why, i bathe daily, everyone does dont they?'

I was shocked that he was so clean - to what i was used to lol.

btw i bathe daily and always have done. Even my ex didnt hint that it should be done daily.

i could have written this whole thing myself! word for word, he is 31 i am 28 and he has had one shower in the last 18 months, and one bath 18 months ago when he was sick.
he claims he can "self clean" he doesnt he just rubs his dirt off on the bedsheets, as a result i have insisted on seperate duvets.
we dont have sex, the idea grosses me out, the last time we did it his peepee was gross, and smelt a bit. all sexual desire has gone and i dont know what to do about it. he has also put on a lot of weight too.
i make suggestions and hints but he is sensitive and i absolutley dont want to hurt his feelings.
i dont know how this is going to get better, we are more like best mates or flatmates at the moment. we havent had sex in over 2 years now and both of us never mention it.
i dont think he is deoressed, he wouldnt tell me if he was tbh and im scared of starting a conversation about it just in case it starts then end of our marraige. which i dont want, for us and esp the girls.
will be eger to read what the ladies suggetions to this are.
you are not alone, i think this must be more common than i thouhjt!

Why on earth wouldn't you want to end your marriage? Seriously. Do you envisage spending the next 50 years of your life like this? Do you want your children to be ashamed to bring their friends home because their father stinks? How is remaining in this situation best for your children?

My exh did this. Just stopped showering, doing his teeth etc, everything. I was pregnant at the time.

I get very embarassed mentioning this kind of thing and eventually did the softly softly approach but it didnt work. Eventually I just had to say it bluntly. He blamed me. Said if I wanted him to shower I should 'tempt' him in by calling him into my shower

I thought he was depressed, wouldn't wash/change his clothes either. He got made redundant (I think partially due to his poor hygiene). He wouldn't go to the drs though re his depression.

I remember the embarassment when he took his shoes off at my parents' house, or when we went out with friends and I could smell him.

We divorced when dd was 18 months.

Sorry. No real constructive thoughts

i dont want our marraige to end because he is a great dad, and a nice guy kind and thoughtful most of the time and would be hurt and upset and i couldnt stand the thought of that, i guess this means i love him, which therefore means i shoudlnt divorce him. i mean how important is sex anyway? i do crave it but i live without it happily enough.
i dont think a marraige should end based on one issue.
plus in a selfish point of view, i dont know how i would cope alone, i do not have it in me to be a full time single parent, i take my hat off to those who do it, i just need my job (pt) those 3 days give me a needed break from the house and children and i love my adult time, during mat leave i didnt see anyone, no one called no one visited, if i quit work it will just be me and the kids and i would be a bad mother, bad tempered, lonely. i know it. so it is in everyones best interests to stay in this situaion.

bubbub - I don't think its normal for a healthy male not to want sex.... at least once a week (probably more). There is something really not right. Clearly you don't mind the status quo, but he clearly isn't thoughtful at all if he doesn't shower.

Each to their own... FWIW DH didn't shower much (maybe once a week) ages ago... when he realised I wasn't going to come near him he changed, now he will not leave the house in the morning without a shower and spends ages in it each morning.

forever, i do mind! i just dont want the alternative.
its not a set up that i envisaged when taking our vows.

It's not in your best interests to stay in this marriage bubbub, or your children's. It's just easier. My mother worked full time as a single parent and yes it was tough. I would find it incredibly tough to be a single parent.

However, if the alternative was sharing house room with a stinking pit of a human being with no respect for himself or the rest of our family it would be a no brainer, frankly.

(Will stop complaining about my fragrantly clean DH using so much hot water)

I might be off here but in I go...

Your OH sounds like he is still a bit 'stuck' in his teenage stage of developement.

You say you got together young and had your DD young. Sounds like the experience made you grow up but it had the opposite affect on him.

Lots of people go through a rather disgusting stage at about 15 + and it may be that your OH got comfortable there and decided to stay. Perhaps as a bit of a protest at being forced to grow up. Not making and effort, being selfish, endless games on his PS3 - not what a grown man should be doing.

I dont mean you forced him, I mean circumstances.

I hope I dont sound patronizing I really dont mean to. You are both young and have so much ahead of you. How horrible to spend years being unhappy with this man. He can change, its not impossible to change your behaviour. My OH was a bit of a twit when we were younger (he was only 21 when we got together). It took a while. A turning point was when he was ranting about 'I cant change who I AM' in a dramatic fashion. I told him 'I dont want you to change who you ARE, I want you to change what you DO. I cant make you but I can tell you what I will do if you dont'.

It was a rare moment of clarity for me. I am not known for my calmness in the face of a good row.

wow GORGEOUSX you have all the answers dont you?
in answer to your question, no when we were dating he showered regualy, when we moved in together we had a bedsit with a shower, he showered plenty. we moved into a house with a bath and a shower connected, and he gradualy used it less and less till here we are.
just so you know, i shower every morning and if i dont i enjoy a bath full of goodies from lush. yes my husband smells from time to time, although he does try to cover himself in deoderant. if i didnt notice or could smell it, i wouldnt have posted here would i? yes. it bothers me, i think i had actually said that already.
i do not stink. neither do my children, but i tell you what does... your attitude.
how dare you. my children are not filthy and stinking! why do you feel you have to make such personal and potentialy hurtful comments? do you do this often? making yourself feel better about your own life my bringing down someone elses?
you have no idea about what goes on in my house so dont make assumptions.
either im lying or i stink? is that the only two options? you just sound like a total fool.

georgousx - not necessary at all.

i can't be fucked with softly softly - i tell dh to get a shower then call him 'crusty knob'

bubbub, GORGEOUSX has a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a twat to people on this board

although, interestingly, he/she pops up on threads where bullying is being discussed and accuses others of exactly the same thing

put it down to having RL issues of her own, if you are feeling charitable

certainly, don't take it personally, you have enough to deal with

well im so pleased i shared my story now, thanks gorgeousx

Come on Fuppy. Ignore.

You didn't share it for GX, you shared it for the OP. Who I am sure benefitted from it.

You can't be bothered by who else might pop onto a thread and have a go. It's not worth it.

Fuppygish Your story just goes to show that you couldn't stand it because you yourself are clean, and have standards, surely!

I thought your post would be inspiring, although the OP doesn't want a divorce.

I cannot understand how she can be happy to share a space with someone who stinks; I had to share an office with someone who stank and it was extremely difficult so I honestly can't understand how anyone could stand to live with that, let alone share a bed.

The suggestions put forward by posters have been to try and train him - as you would a dog - or get rid of him. The OP doesn't want to get rid of him so she can't be finding it that difficult - clearly she is not at the end of her tether.

OP, taking a little side step, have you thought about looking at it fom another angle and instead of deciding how YOU ae going to fix his problem, let him decide how to fix yours?

What I mean is, in the past I have sometimes become all het up about how I am going to approach something/solve eomthing, etc. Anticipating his reaction, debating an ultimatium, deciding what outcome I would accept, etc. It can become overwhelming, and sometimes feel like you are te one doing all the workbefore you even speak!

And then I realised that in a marriage, to communicate you don't need to have all the answers all the time before you have the conversation.

Have you tried just saying to him:
'Babe, I love you, but I am so unhappy '. Then if he cares about you (which I'm sure he does) he can ask you why, and you can be completely honest ('I really hate to hurt your feelings but I miss having sex with you, and tbh your hygiene puts me off and I'm worried about you, etc').
Then he has to come up with some answers or solutions, and also sees that this is not a mother-nagging-role, but his wife who is unhappy about something which he can put right for her.

Why not make it about him helping you with something you are struggling with, and not you sorting out his problem, IYSWIM?

This puts the onus on him to come with solutions, rather than you presenting him with a 'rule book' which he can then accept or reject. He is your husband, not your son. Problems are mutual.

HTH - maybe an approach which makes it easier for you? Alhough I agree completely with everyone else - this is not acceptable and you deserve better.

I think that is very sensible, T.

Fair point Hectate

The point is GorgeousX that you love the person and the person wasn't like that when you first got together (or in my case for 5 years until after we were married and i was pregnant). Therefore you don't just want to throw it away you want to sort the problem.

Generally people do not want to say to their loved ones 'you stink' it takes a lot for me even to type that let alone say it.

It was only when all my efforts to 'change' him (back) failed that I filed for divorce. OP wants to try everything before she goes down that route.

Boys are often very bad at having showers enough although you would have thought by 22 they would have been out of that phase. Just tell him he must have a shower every day and stand over him if you have to... you could even make it into some kind of sex game. I am sure you can think of a heap of things you could do to him the shower to entice him in there.

I don't think the OP should have to think up sex frolics on a daily basis to persuade her husband to wash, Xenia.

Xenia???

Tbh I don't think OP was too young to get married (I was 20). I do think however that there is a very big difference between age and maturity. I would perhaps say that the OP and her partner were too immature to get married if the main reason was because it was forced upon them by their parents.

OP I think you've already been given some good advice on here but you are already aware that if you want him to change you must talk to him!

How can you love someone and feel repulsed by them at the same time?

bubhub if you are willing to settle then that is your business, but he will not change, because there is no reason for him too is there? He can continue being a filthy pig and you will just put up with it, why would he change? He obviously doesn't care how you feel. I am sure your children don't stink now, but children learn from their parents and what they are learning is that hygeine doesn't matter, neither do your partner and family.

I don't think the OP was too young, I got married when I was 21 and DH was 23. I do think she is far too young to be contemplating putting up with this forever.

It never ceases to amaze me what women will put up with in order to be in a relationship, any relationship.