Regular Showering is the norm? Yes? My bloody marriage feels like a sham!

[BlahBlahLady]

I have name-changed. DH knows my talk name and I wouldn't want him to see this.

I need to vent. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.

I am very worried that I don't love my DH. We are 22, with a 3 year old. Our lovely DD wasn't planned, but we decided to go ahead and we both adore her. We got together at 17, I fell pregnant at 18, we got married at 20.

I just don't feel like I'm in love with my DH anymore and it's freaking me out because I don't want to feel this way.

I suppose there are lots of factors, but the main one is probably just that I don't find him attractive anymore. He has always been lazy when it comes to looking after himself, but personal hygiene has just got so much worse since we got our own house.

He will go literally weeks without showering if I don't actually say 'Please go and have a shower.' He will happily wear the same clothes for days, he doesn't do any washing, I have to search the house for his clothes to wash them, as he can never be bothered putting them in the laundry basket.

I am aware that this can be a sign of depression, but I am as positive as can be that he is not depressed. He just can't be bothered.

Obviously, because of this, sometimes I struggle with sex. I know it might sound awful but sometimes I just can't bring myself to have sex with him when he hasn't showered in two weeks. He was annoyed last night when I didn't want to have sex because he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, and I just felt like I couldn't do it. The lack of sex is very frustrating.

And when we do, it is not very good. He has gotten very overweight because he will only eat burgers/pizzas/curry, and so he doesn't have very much energy. He makes no effort with me sexually/romantically, and when he gets home from work he only wants his playstation, which I can understand to an extent as he must be tired but I just can't help feeling a little neglected. I have tried making an effort to get things back on track but every effort just falls by the wayside.

I don't know how to approach this anymore, and I just don't feel 'in love' with him. I love him dearly, and only ever want him to be happy, but it's the kind of love I would have for a family member. And he is a wonderful father, and I wouldn't want to separate DD from him. He is my best friend, I want him in my life, but he doesn't feel like my husband. It's making me very sad, and at 22 I feel like I've signed myself off for feeling lonely forever. I don't know what to do, I suppose I am hoping for some advise? I hope I haven't come across as mean, I just needed to get a few things out.

Do you have a very blunt friend who will say 'phew eeee you honk' to him. Preferably one who is very attractive who will force him to acknowledge his heinousness?

Is he 13?

Tell him straight-he is repulsing you.

I'm sure he would be speaking out if the situation was reversed.

YOu married too young, you are not fully matured until you at least reach 30. YOu may well have outgrown him emotionally which is what happens when you marry young.

You do need to talk to him, if there is anything left to recover, you can't stay with someone because you have a child with them that just isn't fair on either of you.

You are younger than my son, and I wouldn't have wanted him in your position.

You and your partner are still very young, it's understandable he will like his PS3.

Start by changing his diet, try to get him to to go the gym. And when he wants sex tell him you won't sleep with him whilst he is not clean.

What a positively filthy and vile specimen.

DH showers daily, sometimes twice and wears clean clothes daily; it obviously helps when we're sitting chillin' in the evening, that he doesn't smell. This aids towards us having a sex life, which we definitely would not have if he didn't squeak. It also affords him the occasional blow job.

I suggest you sit with a peg over your nose and wake up to the fact that he is supposed to be your DH and not your teenaged son (though I don't know any teenagers who don't wash regularly).

Tell him that you're not his mum and although you love him, you can't stand to be around him because he's minghing.

And get a divorce - anyone who has degenerated to this level of filth is never going to be hygienic enough to share a home with, let alone have sex with.

'You and your partner are still very young, it's understandable he will like his PS3'

Really?

You are not being clear enough. Mumbling a few words in a vague way is not enough. Do you think that you are not hurting his feelings now? do you think that not having sex, making excuses, avoiding things is not hurting his feelings? do you think he is so stupid that he does not know things are wrong here?

What could you say that would be worse than how things are? You are, and I don't say this to hurt you, you are being childish. You are an adult and you need to face this issue.

You need to be clear and direct. "Because you do not shower daily, you smell, and I find this very unattractive. I don't want to have sex with someone with such poor personal hygiene. It shows a lack of respect for yourself and it shows a lack of respect for me to expect me to lay down with you like this."

You are both so young. Many boys his age are still living with their parents and are wasting their lives on their game thingies. Many girls your age are with their parents and going clubbing every weekend.

But that is not the life you have. You are in a different world to all that and he needs to understand that.

You have got to tell him exactly how you feel. Write him a letter if you find it too hard to speak to him. But avoiding it will not help.

You're scared of hurting his feelings? How do you think you will feel if you don't tell him and it comes to you leaving him.

It is time to be honest with him. Does he work? If so then his colleagues are also likely to have noticed and this will be affecting how he is viewed treated at work. In time your DD will notice and she will be ambarassed by him and this will affect their relationship.

You actually owe him the level of honesty that is required to deal with this. Then he needs to wake up and do something about it.

Even if you struggle to bring it up, next time he tries to initiate sex, a proper talk is in order but it would be better and less emotive for him if you could find the courage to do it in a less charged situation. Once DD has gone to sleep "We need to talk" and then go for it.

You don't come across as mean - I'd be moving into a separate bed until he sorts it out!

He is being hugely disrespectful of both you and himself. Why are you worried about hurting his feelings? Not showering for weeks is disgusting.

It worries me that you would not be able to talk to him about his basic, personal hygiene because you think you might his feelings.

If you are for real, this is hugely, hugely concerning.

But I have to say I'm more of the opinion that this is yet another wind up.

I guess he just makes me feel like I'm over-reacting. I can't stand to hurt his feelings, but at the same time I just feel totally at a loss for what to do. I look after him the best I can, try to make him happy, but no, I am most definitely not happy. And I feel really guilty for craving something better. I just feel trapped in a relationship that makes me feel so lonely.

With regards to his diet Rachel I have tried, but he is possibly the most fussy eater I have ever encountered. The only vegetable he will eat is peas, he won't eat any salad, won't eat boiled potatoes/jacket potatoes...it's extreme to say the least. His idea of a healthy lunch is a cheese sandwich, which he has on white bread because he won't eat brown. It's exhausting, my 3 year has an excellent diet, and yet I can't even get DH to have brown bread. It's gotten to the point where I am giving up, as I'm fighting a losing battle.

Bless your heart,

I am 22 aswell and me and my DP have a 1 year old. Sometimes it takes being cruel to be kind.

Example..

I has a nervous breakdown 2 months ago. life was getting on top of me and i just couldnt cope. i wanted to kill myself and be away from this world. i just snapped, i ended up in hospital with it in the end.

What im trying to say is.. my DP was so lazy/uncaring and generaly a lazy sod. But since i have had my breakdown he is a different person. he showers, shaves often, helps with LO and the housework.

im not telling u to have a breakdown, i am telling you that if he truely loves you a short sharp shock will knock him into place. if not get rid. me and my DP are only still together because he changed and realised that he was being an arse to me.
hope it works out x

Fabby - don't advise her to be his mother change his diet and send him to the gym indeed!

They are both very young. But they have a child. They are a family. They don't live in the world of the single 22 yr old. That was the choice they made.

I think you need to sit down and be really honest with him. Tell him all the good things... you love him dearly, he's a great father but that his personal hygiene and lack of attention to his appearance means that you just don't fancy him as much, and this is really upsetting you because you can't imagine not being with him, so its important that you start fancying him more. Tell him you'd love to have more sex with him he has to shower more!

(what do his work colleagues think about his hygiene )

If this goes well, tell him that you will help him with his weight by cooking / buying the right sort of food, including a healthy lunch & snacks to eat at work, and by doing the "30 day shred together each night" BUT he has to take responsibility too for not eating chocolate (or other rubbish) in the day and he has to shower each morning or evening and he has to put clothes in the wash.

In terms of the playstation I guess he wants some "cavetime" after work, fair enough, but maybe need to discuss limits/boundaries for it.

DH was like this when we first met when he was 19 (not overweight but the not showering and smelly clothes) - but now he can't leave the house in the morning without a shower. Can't really remember why he changed his views on this. Thing it was partly to do with work and wanting to make good impression and also because I wasn't keen to come near him unless he has showered.

'I look after him the best I can'

He is adult.

You do not need to look after a adult,he should be capable of this.

What was he like before you got pregnant and married?

Could you have a break from each otehr to make him realise you are serious?

I agree with the others who say 'you maried too young' .

I married dh when i was 21 (i feel i was too young), dh is a lot older than me so a lot more mature.

I think your dh is acting like most single young men (22 is still very young, and men take longer to mature).

You need to sit down and tell him how you feel, if he's not willing to act like a husband and father (grow up) then i think you need to finish it .

You need to be blunt I'm afraid.

Tell him that everyone else you know showers every day (or most days as we're all aloowed to be a slob occassionally but that can only be 1 day of slobbyness!) and everyone wears clean clothes. That means clean socks, pants, t-shirt every day, jeans can last a few I think.

It needs pointing out to him as it sounds like he's never learnt this basic thing.

BecauseImWorthIt why on earth would it be a wind up? What could I possibly gain from that? Although, believe me I wish it wasn't real.

I am aware that we probably married too young, we know that, it was sort of hurried onto us by our parents. But it upsets me that some of you believe there is no hope for us.

I do love him, I can't imagine him not being part of my life, but some how he doesn't feel like a boyfriend or husband should.

When we first got together, he wasn't as bad as this, but we only saw each other twice a week so I don't know truly.

Also, to the person who asked, he went from home, to halls of residence, back to his mums and then to living with me.

And yes, his colleagues have apparently mentioned it before, he was upset and made an effort for a week, but things soon went back to normal.

well said Hecate

OP, it's very telling that you describe yourself as 'looking after him' - you should be a partnership but it sounds as though you're mothering him.

Honey, if you can't talk honestly and openly then there is no hope for you.

I have just seen you comments about his diet . Peas are carboydrates and don't really count as vegetables.

Thats part of the discussion - he has to go on a diet. Perhaps choose a high protein low carb one (dukan or atkins) but he has to be prepared to eat some vegetables, even if its just soups.

I think also you need to make it clear that you are not overreacting, you are 22 and you feel trapped and you are not going to stay with him forever unless he sorts himself out.

I know, hecate I guess I just wasn't confident I was being reasonable in expecting certain things. I feel more assured now though that I can expect these things from him.

Has he been to the GP? do you think he has depression?, i'm not saying you should just walk out on him but you can't can't cary on like this or you will end up depressed and unhappy.

OP sorry some of the responses have upset you - if it's any help, some good friends of mine went through something similar (but there were no children involved). She set out what the problems were and what she expected from him then moved in with her mum. It took a few months but they sorted it all out and now have 2 lovely DCs and are very happy.

Re his hygiene, you need to be consistent factor. It must have been awkward for his colleagues to ahve brought it up with him, they would be unlikely to do so again. All the time you are carrying on sleeping with him, he has no reason to make long term changes in his persoanl habits.

Did he show any signs of hygiene issues back then OP?

Are you sure that he hasn't got depression?

Not being bothered or fussed about anything in life can be a sign that he could be suffering from a mental health issue.

Hecate is right (of course). If you can't communicate then it just gets worse and worse until there are more things you can't say than you can. Been there

You have to be brave and talk to him. I know you know this...