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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regular Showering is the norm? Yes? My bloody marriage feels like a sham!

142 replies

BlahBlahLady · 26/02/2011 20:26

I have name-changed. DH knows my talk name and I wouldn't want him to see this.

I need to vent. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.

I am very worried that I don't love my DH. We are 22, with a 3 year old. Our lovely DD wasn't planned, but we decided to go ahead and we both adore her. We got together at 17, I fell pregnant at 18, we got married at 20.

I just don't feel like I'm in love with my DH anymore and it's freaking me out because I don't want to feel this way.

I suppose there are lots of factors, but the main one is probably just that I don't find him attractive anymore. He has always been lazy when it comes to looking after himself, but personal hygiene has just got so much worse since we got our own house.

He will go literally weeks without showering if I don't actually say 'Please go and have a shower.' He will happily wear the same clothes for days, he doesn't do any washing, I have to search the house for his clothes to wash them, as he can never be bothered putting them in the laundry basket.

I am aware that this can be a sign of depression, but I am as positive as can be that he is not depressed. He just can't be bothered.

Obviously, because of this, sometimes I struggle with sex. I know it might sound awful but sometimes I just can't bring myself to have sex with him when he hasn't showered in two weeks. He was annoyed last night when I didn't want to have sex because he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered, and I just felt like I couldn't do it. The lack of sex is very frustrating.

And when we do, it is not very good. He has gotten very overweight because he will only eat burgers/pizzas/curry, and so he doesn't have very much energy. He makes no effort with me sexually/romantically, and when he gets home from work he only wants his playstation, which I can understand to an extent as he must be tired but I just can't help feeling a little neglected. I have tried making an effort to get things back on track but every effort just falls by the wayside.

I don't know how to approach this anymore, and I just don't feel 'in love' with him. I love him dearly, and only ever want him to be happy, but it's the kind of love I would have for a family member. And he is a wonderful father, and I wouldn't want to separate DD from him. He is my best friend, I want him in my life, but he doesn't feel like my husband. It's making me very sad, and at 22 I feel like I've signed myself off for feeling lonely forever. I don't know what to do, I suppose I am hoping for some advise? I hope I haven't come across as mean, I just needed to get a few things out.

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 27/02/2011 21:28

morloth I think your last comment is a bit hard on OP - it's not 'any relationship' is it? It's her husband and also the father of her child - so she isn't just going to walk away easily is she?

BTW - feel for you OP

GORGEOUSX · 27/02/2011 21:33

Morloth Thank you for saying what I was thinking, but made a poor job of posting!

dignified · 27/02/2011 21:34

He was annoyed last night when I didn't want to have sex because he couldn't remember the last time he'd showered.

How convenient . He stinks , making himself unattractive yet then gets annoyed when you dont want sex. Dont fall for it Op , he knows full well.

greenlotus · 27/02/2011 21:53

It is possible for people to grow up and change, they don't always do it but they might. He doesn't sound like a write off, but someone who has more responsibility than they can cope with and has given up making the effort. He might even have some problem/issue he is too ashamed to speak to the OP about.

This is not everyone's cup of tea but there is a course called the Marriage Course that a number of churches run (there is a website). I have been on it. It is not religious at all and there is no group discussion, you just listen to the presentation and work through some questions privately with your partner each week. IMO it is very well constructed for people who have not really got the basics of communication or respecting/understanding their partners needs in a relationship, which sounds a bit like the OP's DH. Because you go along each week and have a meal together and can't really get distracted, it does make you find time to talk about some difficult subjects in a neutral atmosphere.

You/he might think you would never do a thing like that but it's a less drastic step than separating without ever having had an honest conversation about your relationship.

Regs74 · 27/02/2011 22:23

Where I have worked in the past someone with that level of hygiene issues would just get filled in, old school but effective. Tell him he is a minger and should be ashamed of the example he is setting, man up, get some personal pride and have a bloody shower

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 28/02/2011 08:54

Hmm, no-one seems to have mentioned that regardless of the effect it has on you, your little boy will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour... :(

And I second what a lot of posters have said. Telling him straight will be horrible, but a lot less horrible than leaving him and not telling him why or giving him chance to improve.

But if you dont love him anymore, it doesnt matter what he does (if he improves), him being clean wont make those feelings return. In that case, you need to cut your losses. Again, not for you or him, but for your DS.

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 28/02/2011 08:54

oops, replace boy with girl and DS with DD! Dont know why I did that!!

maltesers · 28/02/2011 09:13

I had this problem with my Ex... and it seems in general that men dont shower (From my Experience) as much as women do. Yes, I know some of you will have spouses that do wash every day but most dont. My Ex would go for 3-4 days, but not 2 weeks. That is terribly disgusting.

My dp now doesnt shower every day but he never smells and always washes all the smelly bits daily. Plus when i insist he does shower.

You have to put your foot down I'm afraid BlahBlahlady. It sounds like if he doesnt shape up his dirty act he is on the road to nowhere. Its infuriating isnt it, cos they dont realise how badly they are messing up their relationship.
You have to tell him all his good points as you sit down and chat.

"You are such a good Dad and I love you and want us to be together, BUT. . .it is upsetting me a lot that you are not showering/bathing every day/every other day. I want to have a physical relationship with you but it very difficult when you smell so bad". "Please will you change your clothes every other day and wash every day" . . .or whatever amount you think is reasonable.

etc etc.
Wishing you lots of luck. xx

nurseblade · 28/02/2011 09:36

It sounds to me as if he is deliberately making himself unattractive and then blaming you when you (understandably) don't want to have sex with him.

Limara · 28/02/2011 09:57

Just a little gobsmacked at these dirty men Lazy or depressed or both.

Also a little shocked at the lack of back-bone their O/H are displaying

Surely, if you have a normal relationship, you can tell your DP,DH whatever
YOU STINK YOU DIRTY F*ER GO AND HAVE A SHOWER!

It really is black and white to me it shouldn't be hurting their feelings surely?

I just don't understand all this meekness? Can somebody explain please?

Thank you x

GORGEOUSX · 28/02/2011 10:10

Limara I totally agree. My DH is superclean but if he's ill or he's eaten something spicey and his breath smells, I just say, "Eeurgh you've got dog's breath"

He's not in the slightest upset by this - he realises no-one wants to get up close to someone with foul breath and doesn't have bad breath because he hasn't cleaned his teeth.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/02/2011 10:10

How are you doing, OP?

The personal hygiene issue is the one everyone's jumped on, of course. But i'm struck by the fact that he also doesn't pick up after himself, doesn't cook, doesn't interact with you affectionately except when he wants sex. What about him makes him a great Dad, exactly? Because at the moment, it sounds like a roommate situation except that you share a bed.

You sound terribly lonely and sad.

NestaFiesta · 28/02/2011 10:13

OP- I dumped a boyfriend for being a scuzzbag years ago before my spotlessly clean lovely DH.

What bugged me the most was that I went to lots of effort for him (clean clothes, daily showers, touch of make up, perfume etc) and he DIDN'T EVEN BRUSH HIS TEETH, let alone change his clothes or wash for weeks and weeks.

The issue was that he made no effort for me, therefore thinking I wasn't worth the bother of even washing for. It also smacked of arrogance: "I don't wash-deal with it" kind of thing.

You sound like a lovely wife and mother, and overly considerate to someone who is about 12 and doesn't give a shit about you or your child. Not washing? expecting sex when he stinks? playstation all evening? Come on.

Give him the talk, tell him its serious enough to end the marriage if things don't change, give him one big chance, then if you need to, leave. Someone as nice as you sound will be really appreciated and valued elsewhere.

JaneS · 28/02/2011 10:45

Oh, poor you. You deserve much better than this.

I would tell him straight that you can't have sex with someone who hasn't showered in two weeks because it has serious implications for your health. Look away if TMI, but honestly, does he not realize how absolutely disgusting it would be for you to put something that has come into contact with bodily fluids for two weeks and has not been washed, inside your body?

Seriously, show him this post. The way he treating you is completely unacceptable.

Pollo · 28/02/2011 10:47

So sorry Blah... Tell him that the sexiest thing you can think of is the smell of a freshly-showered man. If he needs daily instructions to shower, try that until, perhaps, he gets the message and does it without being told. Put your little one in the buggy of an evening and go for a long walk together or even graduate to a jog. Go swimming together. Run around the park after a ball together. I know cooking a delicious, nutritious meal is sometimes too much after a day with a lively three year old but he surely does not have to eat rubbish. How about cooking a meal together (and clearing up together)? Could not stand a smelly man in my bed!! Good luck.

swallowedAfly · 14/03/2011 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LaWeasel · 14/03/2011 19:00

Poor you!

In my humble opinion you have to be strict and tactless.

DH and I are both 23, and there has been moments where he was lazy about washing or brushing his teeth. I just tell him straight and if he snuggles up for a shag having forgotten to do his teeth he's just going to have to go and do them before I'll be interested!

It's not a problem, he knows in his heart that being stinky isn't sexy.

I have no advice about the eating however, because I cannot stand picky adults and would never have dated one, sorry!

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