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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think SHE should pay for smashing up MY car

407 replies

thequeensspeech · 25/02/2011 10:46

Mother in law is staying with us for 2 weeks, normally lives in Spain. Yesterday she asked if she could borrow mine and DH's car. She only has third party insurance. Was not happy about her driving the car. She reassured me that she has 40 years driving experience, no accidents ever, was only going to nip to the shops. Reluctantly I handed over the keys. Of course, sods law she has a crash. Garage now estimating £2000 to repair.

She has checked with her insurance company and obviously they are not going to pay out. She has made it quite clear that she will not be paying for my car to be fixed and ultimately DH and I have to somehow, scrape the money together. Not great when I'm being made redundant in June.

Yes I know it was my fault for giving her the keys to the car but surely to god she should at least volunteer to pay half the costs.

Disclaimer: she and her DH are well off, have house in Spain and 3 houses in the UK 2 of which they rent out and the other they live in for 3 months of the year.

OP posts:
nannyl · 25/02/2011 21:09

Good Luck Smile

let us know how you get on

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 25/02/2011 21:16

I don't want to worry you but she has said that another person was at fault, did she exchange details or just avoid them?

I think as well as DEMANDING the car be paid for she FULLY explains (with diagrams if necessary [grins] eaxactly what happened so you don't get any suprises in the post as few days/weeks from now!)

Good luck with the chat stay strong and be firm DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS, if she was happy to take the car she should be happy to pay the bill!

prettybird · 25/02/2011 21:17

If the accident really wasn't her fault, she would have given you more details about it Hmm

You need to decide if she (or your FIL) won't pay out, then is she/are they the sort of example you want to give to your children: people who aren't prepared to stand up to thier responsibilities.

Then you need to follow through: give her an ultimatum. Either she faces up to her responsibilities or she is not welcome in your home.

If your dh isn't prepared to do that, tell him that he will need to feed, talk to and look after his mother - you are having nothing more ot dow ith her. The pain that that wil involve sounds like nothing compared to the atmospehere you are currently having to endure and the difficulites that finding £2,000 will involve.

It might even be the making of your family unit, you, your dh and your kids , and the etsablishment of a new "wider" family dynamic, one in which his parents show him some respect Hmm and learn to pick up their own responsibilities.

HonestyBox · 25/02/2011 21:28

Oh it is so horrible for you, I hope you can sort it out. She needs to pay, especially seeing as she has the money.

It is always in these situations when you ask someone to be really careful that they do damage. Once I lent someone a book for half an hour that didn't belong to me and specifically said that the person this book belonged to was very fussy about the condition of his books and to be extra careful. She came back and the cover was bent in two, and she said 'I don't care about books'. I was fuming and evidently still am 7 years later Smile. Worst thing was that she didn't care and I even felt like she had done it on purpose to hurt me.

mawbroon · 25/02/2011 21:31

Where was the accident? Is there any way you could get hold of CCTV? I did this for an incident where somebody crashed into us and then concocted a story about us crashing into them. Angry

Perhaps if there was concrete proof of the incident then she would pay up?

plupedantic · 25/02/2011 22:03

I can't believe parents doing this to their own son. They are selfish and, I totally agree, a bad example for your family. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Yes, insurers do like to know of any incidents/accidents, as they want to "price you" as a risk, whether they have to pay on a certain occasion or not.

cumfy · 25/02/2011 23:02

Why didn't she get details of the other driver ?

Either she or the other driver are guilty of "failing to stop".

BlueCat2010 · 25/02/2011 23:03

Shock How on earth can a mother do this?

Has she said who or what she hit? Don't wish to worry you, but is it a possibility that she has hit and run?

FabbyChic · 25/02/2011 23:06

She sounds like a nasty peice of work, I wouldn't give her the time of day. In fact I'd probably have lopped her one by now.

cumfy · 25/02/2011 23:09

What's the betting she'll do a runner ? :o

I'm betting on Sunday morning if not before.

cumfy · 25/02/2011 23:12

I would phone the police, to see if anyone has reported the "other half" of the accident.

Don't tell MIL! She'll just do a runner.

libelulle · 25/02/2011 23:15

Clearly outrageous behaviour, OP, as seems to be the consensus! Hope you get it sorted somehow.

But just to the various people who have said that if you only have third party cover to your own car you will not be insured to drive any car - this is nonsense. I don't have fully comp insurance on my own car (cos it's worth a pittance) but am definitely insured to drive any car - it is there in black and white in the policy docs.

cumfy · 25/02/2011 23:19

Ooooh. Light bulb moment.

Nab her passport. :o

No escape!

mamatomany · 25/02/2011 23:24

You are taking this very well OP I'd have fcuking lamped her.

zipzap · 25/02/2011 23:37

hmm. so she won't pay the money she owes you but she has got the money to go out shopping Hmm

not good that your fil has confirmed that she didn't have insurance Sad makes whatever you have to do a whole lot more difficult in all sorts of respects.

definitely worth posting in legal and seeing if you can get any better 'proper' help from people that know more about the legalities of the situation you find yourself in.

I know when you renew car insurance they ask you if you/car have been involved in any incidents regardless of whether or not you claimed on insurance. DH got hit by another car; other person admitted it was his fault and his insurance covered it but despite that we still had a bigger quote the next time around as apparently even if it wasn't your fault you are still more likely to be involved in another accident Hmm otherwise known as another way of extracting extra money from the punter.

so not sure where this puts you if you haven't reported it to the police or if you need to expecially now you know she didn't have insurance (although I guess you can still say that she does and act surprised when she produces her documents and they aren't valid, which is probably what would have happened if fil had spoken to mil rather than you, doesn't sound like she would have told you the truth)

on a completely separate note - there are now some websites that specialise in selling insurance to people that need it short term, just for a day or week or month or so, that can be done over the web or phone. spotted the info on the moneysavingexpert.com website but think you can just google for that sort of thing and you'll find some.

If you ever get caught in this position again, you will be able to say that they can borrow the car as soon as they buy insurance for them to drive it... I know that you can add people to your insurance for a short time too but if you don't want to get involved with that at least this offers a different option that the others themselves will have to fork out for.

jenga079 · 25/02/2011 23:38

I read this earlier and was as outraged as everyone else but didn't comment as I didn't have anything to add other than my shock. I've been thinking about you though and really feel for the position you're in.

I can't agree with those people who are saying to chuck her out, cut off all contact etc. She is your DH's mother, you can't cut her out of your life. If you have children they will want to see their grandmother. It's a horrible, horrible situation, but you all need to discuss it in a mature, adult way.

So, here's what I would do (or try to do, if I could calm down for long enough!!)

Sit her down. Ask if she's okay ("It must have been such a shock to have an accident after so much incident-free driving experience" yadda yadda) Tell her how worried you are about the whole thing, about the money/damage/impact on DH getting to work etc. Ask her to explain exactly what happened (who? where? what? when?) "so that we can discuss it with the insurers". None of this should sound at all judgmental, just a "let's all sort this mess out" type conversation. Unless she's a total cow she's probably as cut up as you about the whole thing and should willingly join in (tbh, I think the furtive phone conversations and going out for so long today are probably her way of expressing her shock. I also wonder if she has any money of her own, or if any wealth is in assets or held by her DH. Is her DH your DH's father?). If not, DH has got to get assertive. She's his mother, he needs to be the forceful one.

At the end of the conversation agree what will happen next (talking to insurers, finding out more details from cctv / other party etc) and refer to the fact that she will have to contribute (significantly) to the costs involved as you a) can't afford it and b) are not at fault.

Then, discuss it with whoever it needs discussing with, get another two quotes for the damage, and sit back down to agree who is paying what (personally I think the whole bill is hers, but that's for you to agree)

Good luck. I really feel for you.

cumfy · 25/02/2011 23:43

Get.Her.Passport.1st. :o

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/02/2011 23:49

Jenga, there IS no insurers in this story, MIL is not covered for damage to this car, 3rd party only, if even that. Technically she could be arrested for driving without insurance.

Did she give details to the other driver? If not, that is another offence IIRC.

OP, Go and get the car fixed and just give her the bill.

Don't ASK her what she is going to do about it, TELL her what she IS going to do about it.

Come on, the pair of you have to stand up to this, it's not funny and it's not clever.

If she refuses, you can call the police and have her done for the above... well you can threaten her with it anyway.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/02/2011 23:49

sorry ARE no insurers...

jenga079 · 26/02/2011 00:00

I know. I just think that a "we're all in this together. What are we going to do?" approach is better than "cut her off", "never see her again" (I paraphrase!) I do agree that ultimately she should pay.

Oh dear, maybe baby brain is making me soft!!

Oh, and if by any miracle MIL is right and it wasn't her fault, then surely there are insurers? (The other driver's?)

MadamDeathstare · 26/02/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/02/2011 00:09

wonder if the supermarket CCTV picked it up?

MrsMiyagi · 26/02/2011 06:47

OP, is your car automatic? Could that explain why there is damage to the back? i.e. she didn't realise she was in reverse.

I'd be strangling the answers out of her by now! Still incredulous that she's just not explaining what happened. Does she have dementia or anything like that?

kitbit · 26/02/2011 07:23

Was there definitely another car involved? Did she at least tell you that? Or did she reverse into a wall or something?

TechnoKitten · 26/02/2011 07:33

So first of all she tells you she's insured when she isn't. Then once she's had the crash she refuses to pay. She makes up some crap about another driver (and god help you if there is one and you have to foot the bill for their repairs too!). Then she asks if you will commit insurance fraud.

And you are asking us if you are being unreasonable?

Personally I'd tell her you're calling the police and pressing charges - taking and driving away, driving while uninsured and causing criminal damage. She may find it more difficult to come and go between the UK and Spain with that around her neck.

Jenga - you are so much lovelier than I am.