to wonder what IPOAT stands for?

[Hullygully]

I would be bloody furious. I am bloody furious on your behalf. I would like to think that parents that think this is an OK thing to do are few and far between.

I absolutely understand the father and brother issue but your DS is a completely different person. He has been lovingly raised by you and DH and look how well he is doing!

He would, of course, felt under pressure to join in (14-16 imo is the worst for feeling under pressure to fit in and be accepted) so hard as it may be, try not to be too mad at him for that. I would however lay down some ground rules should he find himself in a similar situation. It's a NO. He is a child, he should not be drinking more than the odd sip on special occasions.

I think I would be tempted to speak to the parents of the next party he is invited to and check that there will be no alcohol there. You can explain your discomfort at this experience as to why you are asking such a question.

But at 14 you shouldn't bloody have to ask! Outrageous. Poor you and poor DS being put in that position.

You know, I am gobsmacked.

Hully

I think that is massively out of order and I have never experienced that.
I would be annoyed tbh - not that that is especially helpful.

Ds1 tended to report that alcohol started to rear it's head at parties at around 15. But he rarely had any and pressure to drink was considered deeply uncool.

I have never heard if parents encouraging drinking. It is one thing to take the decision that you will make a few cans of drink available andvquite another to press it upon children arriving at your house.

Are you sure that this is the culture? With some embarrassment ds1 s school ticks all your descriptive boxes but most parents are very wary of allowing alcohol and either check with other parents or ask guests if their parents are ok. Most don't want alcohol as they don't want to risk sending pissed child home.
The only exceptions are the ones who want to be ' best friends' with their children

I had lots and lots of long conversations with ds1 about alcohol. Gave him family history and discussed pros and cons. I also discussed how different alcohol is upon adult rather than young brains.

What does your ds feel about it. Mine didn't want to drink because tbh he was scared of the loss of control ( much more chilled 3 years on) but he didn't want to be the only one not doing it iyswim.how does ds feel

Sorry, had to sign in on another computer. I remember a few kids in school who didn't drink and were very cool about the whole thing, and no one hassled them. That's the teenage paradox, though, isn't it. If you don't care about how cool you are, most people think you're cool. :)

It's not a private school, btw (know ds1's is, Pag). I get the impression it's the general culture, I don't know any parents yet! One mother did phone me when her ds was coming here to be reassured that they would be supervised and there wouldn't be alcohol - I was surprised at the time, I'm not now .

It's that odd kind of middle England, home county, commuters, heavy drinking, private-prepped, tutored, rugby and tennis club membership thing where the parents seem to think it's ok for the kids to have a drink. I have never come across this, but dh grew up in that kind of land.

I don't know if I can say to ds that if he isn't able to say nah, don't drink thanks, that he can't go.

And I was so pleased when he got in

Hullster, don't go fretting that this will be the norm. Feel reassured that another parent feels the same as you (hence call to you to ask about alcohol) Hopefully there are more sane parents than fuckwitted ones.

Did you get the impression DS will be able to say no thanks next time?

Oh hully, don't assume it will all be like this.

I honestly honestly don't think they will all be like this. There will be lots of parents like you. Ds1 was even first team for rugby and did tours and didn't drink more than a smudge.

Could you go and see the school and ask about alcohol policy/ education?

The private school tennis club types are all on here and threads about teenagers and alcohol seem to generate lots of anxious ' how do we protect them' posts.

I haven't talked to him properly about it yet as I thought I should get my head straight first! He knows I'm demn unhappy about it though. We have talked about it in the past and he thinks I am too extreme about it and others his age have beer at parties, so why not him? Yr 9s do have parties with drink and nekkidness (dear lord).

I say that in the end it comes down to its being illegal, his being a child, and a big fat no.

Where are these other non-alkie schools?

You are the exception Paggy, always the exception. I saw and heard lots of the parents guffawing away at parents' evening so I know the type.

Could you call the parent that called you? Maybe she has lots of inside info to share about this.

At dss school there has always been acfew boys who want to drink, and want to be known for being drinkers iyswim. Maybe there is a pissy clique and you could get an indication of it's members.

I think it is one of those ones where you have to say ' I love you and I do understand your point of view and that to you this is a small issue. But this is one of those cases where I don't care. You have to be with me on this one issue. You can't say it is no biggy and then be pissy when I say in that case don't drink. I always want us to negotiate but this , like contraception and heroin is a line in the sand . Right now, at 14 no. '

Sorry dylanesque stream of thought rambling....

DS1 was offered a can of lager at 14 at a friends but he refused. It wasn't set out in the way you describe though - just an informal offer from the Dad who was having a can while they all watched tv together. I was a bit surprised but not too bothered as it wasn't forced on him.

Roll on a year or so and they are all at house parties drinking stupid amounts of vodka - some of which is apparently provided by the parents. I don't like it at all - especially since I had to collect DS1 at stupid o'clock after vomitting copiously into a plant pot.

Unfortunately now that DS1 is 16 he will not listen to a word I say as I know nothing and have done less. I can only hope that the input I did have when he did listen will stick with him.

I'm more concerned about drugs right now. There seems to be a rash of pill popping and although DS1 is very anti, they aren't above a bit of drink spiking.

It's not the kids from his (good) state high school that are the worry, it's the ones from the very posh but low academic private school that have no self control and less parental interest ime

I'm frightened she would think me a loon...but it might come to that.

I've pretty much said that, Paggy. Partly why I'm in shock that he drank it. I will have to say it again.

The "in crowd" are the drinkers and strippers, that's part of the problem.

Beri, I really don't know if he'll say no. Will have to have a Big Talk.

So what do you DO, Jins? Oh god it's going to get worse.

I used to say "my mom's a psycho and she'll go off on me, not worth it," which is what she encouraged me to say. :o

I wish I had an answer but every time I speak to him in an even slightly critical way it ends up as a massive family row. I'm sick of walking on eggshells with him but it disrupts everybody if we have a stand up fight and it makes no difference to his behaviour.

Annoyingly he is a lovely, polite lad most of the time.

What I have found is that the in crowd at 14 are very much the out crowd at 16. I'm sure he will go the right way. Mine is just dizzy with the novelty of popularity at the moment

Dd suggested, "Thanks, but I'm an alcoholic, I daren't risk even one." Bless her. She also told me it was the parents' fault and how hard it must be for ds. Then she gave me a big hug and I went upstairs and cried in secret.

I know it's mad, but i wish I could shut up the little insistent voice in my head that's saying yup, father, brother, just the son to go..

Bloody hell, hully - that's very rubbish for you. I always wonder how on earth we can get kids to not mind not doing the same as everyone else. I was kind of oblivious to peer pressure as a child (some might say self absorbed), but then you think, isn't that just as stupid a position - to be so unaware of others. I don't know. But I think I'd try to point out how crappy it is to essentially be a follower for its own sake, or out of fear. It strikes me as now way to live.

Hi Habb, yes, I do say that (partic as dh and I tend to veer slightly towards the eccentric), but part of the problem is that he is desperate to fit in as at the new school there are three groups of around 30 kids, all from the same 3 schools who all know each other, and he is trying to "break in." Poor sod.

You are absolutely right about it being the 'in crowd'.

We have had a gazillion conversations about the in crowd and the pitfalls.

In a way we were lucky. Poor old ds1 was never going to be a cool kid once he was known as the boy with the odd brother. And he arrived from a school that sent no other boys. He did want to fit in but for the first two years that was never going to happen. that is when it is thevworst - when a can of beer feels like the addmission ticket to the cool kids hang outs. At that point it was the same conversation over and over again. He also genuinely wanted to be an athlete (rugby and cricket) so drinking was not an option near matches.

But he filled out and looks good in rugby shorts and the cool kids wanted him to join. That was the hardest bit.
But he got to see first hand how shallow they are and he gets how shitty the world can be so he wasn't really interested.

But you can't fret about x and y happening. You can't fret about genes. The more you ask him who he wants to be, how he wants to live, the more he sees that he gets to chose.

Hullygirl. Your fears are understandable but your son is his own person. He makes a whole new mould

Does he understand where your fears come from?

thing is, those 3 sets of 30 will have their own inner and outer sets, their own loners. there's a lot to be said for learning the skills of watch and wait, rather than diving straight in - it may look cohesive to him now, but if he goes for a stance of friendly observer, it may be more useful. or set him up for a career in anthropology.

It's soooo hard... I'm dreading the next decade.

A guy I went to high school with (we're still friends on facebook and talk often) was/is a staunch Mormon. He didn't go near drugs or alcohol and was a virgin. (Still is...and I have to admit I'll be a little sad the day he gets married still carry a bit of a torch for him, y'see) And he was extremely popular and cool, because he did not care. He made no apologies for any of it, or the fact that he couldn't do much on weekends because he was hanging out with his family. Of course he was gorgeous, which never hurts. (I went to prom with him and the photos still cause some friends to say "who the hell is that ?!" :) ) He would just say, "I don't do that," and that was that. But I think it's an attitude you really can't fake; either it's there or it's not.

Best of luck, hully. I think DD's suggestion is sweet...he could allude to some time in rehab and the others would assume he had A Past. (Always a fabulous thing when you're a teen.)

You're a great mom, doing the best you can. Sorry I'm not more help!