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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister BU not letting niece go on holiday

158 replies

Bonfire · 21/02/2011 00:06

My niece is 9 nearly 10. Two years ago I asked my sister if I could take her skiing to Italy, I was just told no.

Which was OK but that summer sister allowed her friend (she has a daughter same age) to take her for a week on holiday, this was to Wales.

Last year sister's friend again took my niece to Cornwell this time. Friend was called back to work during holiday and my niece was left with friend's parents.

I wanted to take my niece skiing again this year this time to Austria, I was willing to go half term, but I was told she is too young.

I am self employed with flexible hours so whenever my sister or her husband is not available I pick her up from school (this happens at least once every two weeks and always last minute), look after her and their 3 year old over school holidays, baby sit them when they want to go out.

I looked after the younger one for over a year as they could not get a nursery place, then working late into the night and weekends to then get my work done.

They let her go horse riding so it is not as if they do not want her taking part in dangerous sport (skiing is not that dangerous anyway), although when I wanted to take her horse riding I was told no.

I now hear she s being allowed to go away camping with Brownies.

Views please.

I am 25 and single.

OP posts:
solooovely · 22/02/2011 17:32

That's not really the same thing Thierry. If you child is sick you might ask someone to help as a favour (assuming you don't take the piss), that doesn't then give the helper the right to make your parenting decisions for you.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 22/02/2011 17:56

It's not about making parenting decisions for you though. Reading all the posts the OP seems to be doing a lot for her sister so I think it's reasonable to be able to ask to take the children away. It's good for the children to experience these things.

squeakytoy · 22/02/2011 18:05

I wonder if the sister would be happy for the Op to take her child to EuroDisney?

It may just be the risks that are associated with skiing. I definately wouldnt be too keen on the caving plan either.

There are years ahead when it will be fine to take a more competent teenage niece on these type of holidays.

daytoday · 22/02/2011 18:26

I think the OP is actually rather manipulative. Calling up her mother and asking her 'opinion' - urgh! Stirring things up, I'd say.

solooovely · 22/02/2011 18:49

Yes Thierry reasonable to ask but not to expect . . . and then get annoyed when the answer is no.

Original poster
Bonfire · 23/02/2011 00:17

I have already accepted niece is not going (see my last post) and I have not made an issue over it, yet. I rang mum up to just to see how she felt solooovely

Previously talking with sis in general a couple years back she said that she wouldn't allow niece to go in school term (they always go school holidays) so arranging someone else to go with me at half term is difficult.

I offered to go with sister, but as I already said she is not interested

wellwisher, sure I take you, have to ask your mum first though. I work 60/70 hours a week to afford skiing.

Research if I get injured, well I have a little and was told that they would make any arrangement necessary to look after the child and either fly parents out or to get child back to UK, of course they stressed the need for travel insurance. Although I haven't got into it in a big way as there was no point

To these that brought up the other niece she was 3 in December so a bit young to be taking skiing, next year if allowed I will take them both, although I won't be asking again.

QuintessentialShadows being told

Your complete inability to grasp the problem here would actually make me very hesitant to let you have my children at all, I don't understand why this is so hard for you to get?

Is being nice in my book

having already pointed out that I had accepted that niece is not coming skiing It was Morloth who brought up these points and I responded.

I will try and follow suggestions here and maybe offer to take her in the UK somewhere for a week - see how things go. If I get told no then I will have to start saying no too. I have asked and been told I couldn't take her horse riding.

However I got a email from my sister today thanking me for helping out today. First time ever! Wonder if she is reading this?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 23/02/2011 00:22

Why are you so so so desperate to take your niece on a holiday when your sister is making it very clear that she doesnt want you to?

Thats what I dont understand.

I would just think bugger it, and go with a friend my own age instead. Which really is what most girls your age would be doing anyway.

Morloth · 23/02/2011 00:27

LOL, I have been an expat now for almost 13 years. Have lived in 5 countries in that time and travelled to many more as a tourist.

I have skiied Austria, Italy, Switzerland (glacier skiing) and France and the last time I went skiing I had a pretty bad accident that resulted in an airlift and hospitalisation for a week - another woman at our chalet shattered her collarbone on the same day, we were both very experienced skiers. My DS would not have been able to manage if my DH had not been there.

With all of that experience I say that there is no way I would allow anyone other than DH to take my kids overseas under the age of 14.

I wasn't trying to be nice, I was telling you that I think I can understand what your sister's problem is with you. Why did you ask if you were so very sure that you are not unreasonable?

If you don't want to help your sister out any more than don't but she doesn't owe you her child because you feel like it.

Most of the mothers on this thread have told you the same thing and you are still convinced you are right. Are you like that with everything?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 23/02/2011 00:35

I think you sis puts on you a lot and you resent it, but you love your ne=ieces so you put up with it. You do all the shitty bits (pick ups, drop offs, sickness) for your sis, and would like to enjoy some of the good bits, holidays, experiences etc I think thats fair enough so YANBU

However, you dont get to dictate the good bits, you need to find something you can agree on, skiing obviously isnt winning, neither is abroad by the sounds of things. you really need to talk to her and finds something, or at least get some reasons why not. YABU to moan about her without trying to get to ther bottom of it in my opinion.

Original poster
Bonfire · 23/02/2011 00:39

Not desperate squeakytoy

It is the fact that she is saying no without a reason, it is kind of like when a bf leaves you without a reason and your thinking sod him but it bugs you anyway as to the reason why?

it upsets me a little that she trusted her friend to take her away and then be left with virtual strangers, but i get told no.

I know it is abroad but if she trusted me that should not be an issue.

Do you get it, no, neither do I, but it hurts!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 23/02/2011 00:58

I can understand that it hurts. I really can. Maybe your sister cant think of a way to explain it without it sounding hurtful, but she just doesnt feel comfortable with it, and as she is the mum, then all you can do is respect that.

Original poster
Bonfire · 23/02/2011 01:00

In that case Morloth I apologies, being to defensive.

However I still do not get it! How would it be different if it was the UK but your DH was 400 miles away say 7 hours drive away or more?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonfire · 23/02/2011 01:05

squeakytoy I am respecting it, I haven't even pushed for an explanation because I probably end up in an argument, like on here

Just having a discussion on here trying to come to terms with it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 23/02/2011 01:17

It is different because there isn't the question of language, the question of your sister being able to get there if she needed to (much easier to get in a car and drive even for hours than to try to organise a flight at short notice), there is the question of customs and immigration questions, you know she would have to give you a letter giving you permission to take her daughter out of the country (no chance I would be giving one of those unless in dire circumstances) - see previous threads on here where people have been challenged about their own children.

What would you do if your niece had her passport stolen while you were there? What would be your plan if you were killed skiing? It is unlikely but possible, a 17 year old was killed in Les Arcs when I was there one time, totally random.

But all that aside she really does not need a reason, if she feels uncomfortable she does, that's it.

If you don't want to help her anymore then don't that is totally your call but she isn't comfortable with her daughter going overseas without her.

She doesn't have to have a rational reason, you don't have to like it, but you have to accept it.

I agree that horseriding is dangerous as well (broke my arm that time), but it doesn't matter, her perception of risk is what matters, not yours.

You can think whatever you like but she isn't being unreasonable, she is being a Mother.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/02/2011 08:54

Every year somebody get seriously injured on "our" slopes. One kid broke his back recently. Some has died. We know because we live here, we are on the slopes pretty much every day, chat with the people working there, and the other skiers and snowboarders. A few times a day a child get stuck on the lifts (on the nursery slopes, which in fact are quite "advanced") and dragged up. My dhs best mate got a serious alpine fracture here. Dh hurt his head a few weeks back, and he still hears a ringing noise, the doctor has asked him to just wait and see, and this is the perils of "extreme sports". DS1 was rammed by an adult snowboarder, who had not yet learn to avoid obstacles yet, and had to go to A&E.

Bonfire, I would say living in this environment provides a better insight into the everyday smaller perils of skiing. It is different when you come to a big resort, stay a week, keep within your group, and fly out again. Dh is also part of the mountain rescue, so we know a lot about what is going on.

But it seems to me that you find it really hard to listen to other people, you seem to find it really hard to admit that there may be something you dont have knowledge of, and that you might in fact not be right. It seems, obstinate, for lack of a better word.

Your sister does not have to say anything else than "no". She probably knows you a lot better than us, and knows that there is absolutely no point in trying to discuss it with you. You wont see her point, in the same way as you wont see any of our points. There will only be bad feeling.

You do sound like a cool and caring aunt. And you do seem to do quite a lot for her in terms of dropping everything you do to go pick up her kids. You must save her a small fortune.

I cant understand why she wont let you take her horse riding, if she already goes horse riding, though.

LibraPoppyGirl · 23/02/2011 09:43

Bonfire you have canvassed MN for opinions and don't appear to be completely satisfied by our collective wisdom.

I suggest the time has now come to take your argument to the Jeremy Kyle Show!

You will then have a captive audience plus host, a stage more suited to your needs.

Then perhaps you'll shut up!

PS. Don't forget to let us know when you'll be on, we wouldn't want to miss the final showdown Grin

Hullygully · 23/02/2011 09:51

Bonfire - I would let (and have let) my dc go away with my dsis and she has no kids etc too.

I think your feelings are hurt by the situation, I think people on here are being huffy because you don't accept their views, and I think you really need to have a proper chat with your sis and get to the bottom of it. It would be a shame to spoil your relationship with your nieces.

Original poster
Bonfire · 23/02/2011 16:31

LibraPoppyGirl I keep on to MN to get some understanding, not for me but as to the reasons my sis would be saying no and I have been given reason like its abroad, there is no NHS, they do not speak English. It is not wisdom, wisdom requires the giving of opinion that is based on knowledge, experience and control of one's emotional reactions.

QuintessentialShadows and your point is? Would it made a difference on a beach, do you not think people die and seriously get injured by the seaside for example.

Is keep your children sat in front of TV screens and on their DS Lights nice and safe really good parenting?.

OP posts:
titchy · 23/02/2011 16:44

Is anyone else desperate for the OP to come back once she has children and realises that logic, experience, control, wisdom etc go flying out the window once you are talking about your own children Grin.

It is ENTIRELY irrelevant what the actual risk of an activity is (which is why you don't understand). What is relevant is the PERCEIVED risk of the parent. And trust me perceived risk multiplies by a factor of 10 when your children are away from you. It multiplies by a further factor of 10 if away and in a potentially difficult to get to place. Then another factor of 10 when an activity like skiing is involved! No, none of it is logical, or perhaps understandable to a child-free mid-20's singleton like yourself, but that's just the way it is!

NinkyNonker · 23/02/2011 16:46

But surely it doesn't matter what her reasons are, she doesn't want to let her 9 yr old go skiing on her own (without a parent) just yet...is that not enough? Are the legions of parents on here telling you that they would feel the same not enough?

edam · 23/02/2011 16:48

ooh get you! Honestly you do sound like a 14yo yourself ? getting all chippy because people have answered your questions but you don't like the answers.

LIZS · 23/02/2011 16:59

Being critical to parents about their parenting skills and experience, especially when you have yet to have children of your own, isn't a particularly good way to get them onside ! The more you post about this the less mature you come across. MN is all about opinions especially the AIBU threads, you relaly need to learn to appreciate others' perspectives.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/02/2011 17:18

Goodness me, you are one tiresome numpty, Bonfire. If you dont get my point, I am not about to explain it.

solooovely · 23/02/2011 17:30

tiresome numpty - funny! Smile

BellsaRinging · 23/02/2011 17:43

I feel you're getting a raw deal here OP. I'm a parent and I have to say if I used someone to look after ds (6) regularly, as you do with dn, then I would also be happy for them to take him away skiing. I'd be perfectly happy for my sister, or my best friend (who has no children) to take him, because I trust them. Yes, it's a foreign country, but I don't refrain from taking him abroad on my own because something might happen to me, and whilst I don't ski I do sail, windsurf, scuba dive etc. I would trust my sister and friend to take as good care of ds as I would (if anything they'd probably be more careful as he isn't theirs!).

However, as you seem to have have accepted it's your sister's choice. It may be because it's abroad, or too dangerous an activity, or because she can't afford to do it herself, or another reason entirely. I do however think it's a bit tough on you given that you have done so much childcare in the past, and I can totally understand why you're hurt.

In summary I agree with hulygully. Have a frank talk with your sister-it would be a shame to lose out on a good relationship with your dns because you cannot resolve your feelings about this issue.