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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister BU not letting niece go on holiday

158 replies

Bonfire · 21/02/2011 00:06

My niece is 9 nearly 10. Two years ago I asked my sister if I could take her skiing to Italy, I was just told no.

Which was OK but that summer sister allowed her friend (she has a daughter same age) to take her for a week on holiday, this was to Wales.

Last year sister's friend again took my niece to Cornwell this time. Friend was called back to work during holiday and my niece was left with friend's parents.

I wanted to take my niece skiing again this year this time to Austria, I was willing to go half term, but I was told she is too young.

I am self employed with flexible hours so whenever my sister or her husband is not available I pick her up from school (this happens at least once every two weeks and always last minute), look after her and their 3 year old over school holidays, baby sit them when they want to go out.

I looked after the younger one for over a year as they could not get a nursery place, then working late into the night and weekends to then get my work done.

They let her go horse riding so it is not as if they do not want her taking part in dangerous sport (skiing is not that dangerous anyway), although when I wanted to take her horse riding I was told no.

I now hear she s being allowed to go away camping with Brownies.

Views please.

I am 25 and single.

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 22/02/2011 15:08

I think you need to start sating NO to your sister using you as unpaid child care and skivvy.

LibraPoppyGirl · 22/02/2011 15:19

Bonfire you are sounding a bit like a martyr now and it's getting a bit beyond reasonable.

You have asked and been answered.

Your sister is perfectly entitled to say NO to something she is not comfortable with, especially when it involves her children.

You are perfectly entitled to say NO to something you are not comfortable with. If you feel you are being used to pick up the slack then say NO.

BUT don't say NO just to spite your sister because she is not letting you have your own way.

I think the relationship you have with nieces is awesome and you are very lucky, some families do not have what your family has.

You are starting to sound like the spoiled younger sister now though.

LIZS · 22/02/2011 15:21

Perhaps it is time to ask your sister to use paid childcare and stop being at her beck and call, if it causes you such resentment. You can say it isn't convenenient but the longer you allow her to do this the more of a bugbear it becomes.

This however is entirely separate issue there is no quid pro quo. She does not want you to take her daughter on holiday, to place neither she , her dd or even you are familiar with. Yes English is widely spoken in resorts and there are travel reps but for a child and indeed many adults being taken ill or injured and fidnign themselves in a foreign hospital is a scary thought. The fact that you fail to see this from any pov other than your own just reinforces the view of other parents here that your sister is entitled to be concerned.

hogsback · 22/02/2011 15:22

Bonfire. I think you're getting a hard time and sound like an awesome aunt.

I'm also a bit Confused at all the "abroad" stuff, but I think that's just a very British thing. Would SIL be happier if it was France so easy/quick driving distance rather than flying to Austria?

WrightsandRongs · 22/02/2011 15:28

People on AIBU only get a 'hard time' when they don't listen.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/02/2011 15:29

No need for the Confused, of course it's a British thing, we're a fecking island!

If the OP and her family were in France and tthe OP wanted to go to Austria we probably wouldn't be having this conversation.

LibraPoppyGirl · 22/02/2011 15:35

Yes the OP might be getting a bit of a hard time now but she wasn't really until her last post. She has been given advice, and real views which, in the main, have all been from the same POV. That it's the taking of a 9yo overseas, without her parents, that is the main bone of contention.

She has steadfastly refused to see anything but her own POV.

I've been with this thread since the beginning and my honest opinion is that she is now being deliberately obtuse for the sake of it.

OP is trying to argue now that she doesn't see it as unreasonable, so therefore it isn't. Well she obviously doesn't see it that way, but that does not mean that her sister is wrong.

It's her sisters child and if the OP doesn't like it then she knows what she can do. If she doesn't want to help out, she doesn't have to.

SHE IS BEING UNREASONABLE!!

hogsback · 22/02/2011 15:37

Gwendoline: so do you think the fact that we are an island is more of a psychological barrier or a physical one? From where I live in southern England, I can drive to the (Western) Alps in half a day, and be in Paris on the train in less time than it takes to get to Manchester. I don't really think of other European countries as "abroad", always reserve that term for countries with unfamiliar cultures in Asia, Africa etc. But then I'm not British so might not get the cultural subtleties.

Sorry, bit OT there.

mummytime · 22/02/2011 15:46

Abroad is a different country, which employs different laws etc. This is just as true for the rest of Europe as for far away destinations such as Africa and Asia. If I was in the US, then going to Mexico or Canada would be going abroad.

If something happens to my child in the Alps, it costs more, there are language barriers and possible legal barriers, compared with Manchester. And having had to take a child to A and E in France, where despite my French and their excellent English, we struggled to communicate certain anatomical information. What if there is an accident in the Channel Tunnel or aircraft are grounded by fog?

belgo · 22/02/2011 15:48

Bonfire - please do not say anything more to your niece about skiing. Your sister has said no, and you have to respect that. Talking to your niece about the skiing will only make your niece pester her parents and that will annoy them more.

hogsback · 22/02/2011 15:52

mummytime: ok, understand.

Bonfire - YABU for not respecting your DSis's wishes. Your DSis is also BU for not letting her niece go on what would be a brilliant holiday with her cool aunt.

solooovely · 22/02/2011 15:54

The fact that you look after your neices a lot (which is very nice of you admittedly) doesn't give you the right to do with them or take them where you like. This is still the decision of their mum and has absolutely nothing to do with you.

It sounds like you are starting to get a bit oo attached to your neice in that you think you have the right to make these decisions so maybe it's best if you back off a bit.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 22/02/2011 15:55

OP I think you're being given a hard time and I think your sister is being selfish. What would she do if the school was arranging the trip? let her miss out because of her issues!?

belgo · 22/02/2011 15:59

Are there any british schools that take nine year olds abroad skiing?

QuintessentialShadows · 22/02/2011 16:01

A school trip is very different. It is unlikely to be just ONE adult in charge of the kids. There would be more.

I would not be surprised if your sister would agree to let you take your niece if you
a) took both kids so as not to appear to favour one and;
b) travelled with other adults

You could even have invited your sister along, and made it a two sisters and kids trip.

But you havent, you have invited your niece because you are going along, so you depend on her for company.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/02/2011 16:02

going ALONE, sorry, not alone.

Not 9 year olds, but my friends 12 year old daughter went skiing with her north london state school.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 22/02/2011 16:04

But a school trip the number of adults to children isn't a one to one relationship whereas in this situation it is!

I would be pissed off as well if I was the op. I'm good enough to step in for an emergency but not to ask for a nice time of my choosing.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/02/2011 16:05

They dont need a one to one relationship on a school trip. There are plenty of people around, for company and help.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 22/02/2011 16:07

They don't need more than one adult to a child when the child wants to go, the adult concerned has looked after the child on many occasions.

We'll agree to differ.

Orissiah · 22/02/2011 16:11

Being a parent can make us quite irrational. I wouldn't want my DD to go skiing without me if she'd never skied before. I would prefer it if she learned here in UK, preferably whilst I was close by. It's irrational, I know, but that's the way it is.

Take her somewhere else or give her lessons here in UK (close to mum) first.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/02/2011 16:19

Oh I think it's a psychological barrier, the same barrier that makes a lot of people here think we're not really part of Europe. You could be in Austria far quicker than Scotland (unless you were in Newcastle!) but as others have said, you've got to factor in passports, book a flight, pack a case, get to airport. Not the same as jumping in the car even if the csr journey would take twice as long.

wellwisher · 22/02/2011 16:24

I am Envy that a 25yo can afford a ski holiday for herself and someone else. Bonfire, do you want to take me instead? My mum won't mind Grin

I think the point about what happens to your niece if something happened to YOU while you're skiing is a very good one. Did you have a plan for this? Even expert skiers can have dreadful accidents. A friend of mine who has skied since childhood was badly hurt when an out-of-control adult novice crashed into her as she was standing outside a cafe on the ski slope. Unless your niece speaks German (even if she does), it would be awful for her if you were hurt on holiday in Austria.

solooovely · 22/02/2011 16:25

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend OP I think you're being given a hard time and I think your sister is being selfish. What would she do if the school was arranging the trip? let her miss out because of her issues!?

It's her child so it's her right to have issues!

PlasticLentilWeaver · 22/02/2011 16:48

Risk is very often about perception. You ski, so perceive it as low risk. Your sister doesn't, so she perceives it as high risk. The absolute figures are irrelevant from a parent's perspective, where you will do ANYTHING to minimise exposure to avoidable risk.

FWIW my SIL was bemused that I wouldn't put my 5 year old on a plane on his own to visit her, and her/BIL drive him to ski school each day as they live near a resort. Where do I start with that - he's only 5, has only been on a plane as a baby with us, BIL's driving is erratic to say the least, he's never had a sleepover without us, he's never skied...
And they do have kids.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 22/02/2011 17:11

Solooovely, agreed it's her child so she can have her issues. But by the same token it's her issues when the child is ill, she's running late etc etc so she should deal with them all by herself and not rely on her sister to always bail her out.

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