Is my sister BU not letting niece go on holiday

[Bonfire]

My niece is 9 nearly 10. Two years ago I asked my sister if I could take her skiing to Italy, I was just told no.

Which was OK but that summer sister allowed her friend (she has a daughter same age) to take her for a week on holiday, this was to Wales.

Last year sister's friend again took my niece to Cornwell this time. Friend was called back to work during holiday and my niece was left with friend's parents.

I wanted to take my niece skiing again this year this time to Austria, I was willing to go half term, but I was told she is too young.

I am self employed with flexible hours so whenever my sister or her husband is not available I pick her up from school (this happens at least once every two weeks and always last minute), look after her and their 3 year old over school holidays, baby sit them when they want to go out.

I looked after the younger one for over a year as they could not get a nursery place, then working late into the night and weekends to then get my work done.

They let her go horse riding so it is not as if they do not want her taking part in dangerous sport (skiing is not that dangerous anyway), although when I wanted to take her horse riding I was told no.

I now hear she s being allowed to go away camping with Brownies.

Views please.

I am 25 and single.

I think the OP is being given rather a hard time too. Maybe that's why she reacted a bit prickly before.

OP, why don't you just ask your sister why she doesn't want you to take your neice? It doesn't sound as though you have asked? so long as she's honest, you may find the reason is a reason you can understand, or counter with reassurances. We can all try and guess at the reasons, but we don't know your sister.

I would still say yes if it was me - but I think I'm the only one on this thread who would, so I must be a) unusual or b) mad.

this may be a dumb question to ask you, but you do realise that you'd have to ski with your neice the whole time though, don't you? Apart from when she was in ski school, if she was doing any lessons. You couldn't let a 10 yr old on the slopes on their own.

Sorry for not reading whole thread so ignore this if it's already been suggested.

Ask your sister if would be ok for you to take your niece on a weekend away.

I'm not sure I'd necessarily want my children abroard either without me tbh. My DD1 has gone abroad without us for the first time this week but with it's with school and she's 14.

Also, it might be that they would like to take her skiing themselves one day when they can afford it and would like to share in her experiencing that for the first time.

Or maybe they can't afford to take her abroard and feel that they don't want you providing something that they can't?

YABU you have no right to take her anywhere that her parents don't want her to go.

Or maybe FioFio she'll be a great support for the OP when and if she does have kids, just as the OP has been for her.

Just because the OP is involved in the girls lives does not mean she is being taken advantage of, or that her sister expects anything. Everything the OP has/is doing she has done of her own freewill. She loves her nieces, she obviously wants to be in their lives and enjoys it.

No need to invent antagonism where there is none.

I too think (although yes probably totally irrational) it is the 'going on an aeroplane' thing! My Mum took my DD to France a couple of years ago. My Mum is incredibly close to my DD, she looked after her for 3 days a week while I was working back then (do work now, but use a childminder these days as Mum now back working full time) .. anyway, I digress!
When Mum asked her thought would be fine .. .I cannot possibly put into words what it felt like when the day actually came and I knew my little girl was stepping on board an aeroplane without me. It was for 4 days and I felt feint with panic and worry for the whole time. Yes, completely irrational but I would not have felt like that if she was getting in a car with my Mum and driving a couple of hours away. I bet if you were to ask whether you could take her to Center Parks she would say yes!!

But I would also feel it's all on the sisters terms, she cannot expect to have free, quality childcare on tap and not give a little back.

That is a truly bizarre statement. The 'giving a little back' in this case being letting her 9yo get on a plane and go abroad without her? Wouldn't a big bunch of flowers or some gift tokens be more appropriate? I thought we'd established that the daughter wasn't a possession.

You were NBU to ask, but at the end of the day you have to accept that your niece is your sister's child and ultimately she has the last word. By questionning your sister's judgement and wanting reasons, YABVU. It is none of your business why she doesn't want her to go, you just have to accept it.

Personally there is no way I would let a 9yo go on an a skiing holiday abroad without me. No, skiing is not that dangerous, but if she is injured at all it is a lot more complicated if she is abroad with no NHS. Brownies will be supervised, safe activities with lots of adult supervision and other children your DN's age.

You have to accept that your sister has the last word on this and pestering her about it is going to strain your relationship with her. If you are more bothered about taking your niece on holiday than about going skiing, then why not suggest something else? If not, then I'm afraid you just have to respect your sister's judgement.

You have clearly done a lot for your sister over the years and maybe YANBU expect some kind of concessions and a close relationship with your niece in return. But behaving like you have some kind of "right" to take your sister's children anywhere is really not on.

OP is 25, clearly has ISHOOS with her sister and is getting crabby on here, because we are not all saying YANBU, your sister is ungrateful cos she is refusing you the opportunity to take her DD and show her something her parents can't or won't. At 9 yrs of age Disney or a beach would beat skiing with an adult.

She keeps banging on about how she can give the girl an opportunity and how she's put out, dropping everything for a day when asked.

How would she cope 24 HOURS A DAY for a week then.

I thought I knew everything at 25, even at 35. I look back now and cringe.

Why does OP not have friends her own age to play with? Taking ones own DC on holidays is a challenge sometimes.

This one sounds like the DSIS of kitty4paws in her desire to be involved in her sister's life.

This is a 9yo child, not your sister's dolly. You don't get to share toys now.

Going against the grain YANBU

I'd have been livid if I'd found out that an aunt had offered to take me skiiing and my parents had declined on my behalf.

I'll be quite happy if my children's rich uncle (i.e. my brother) can take them on some amazing experiences when they're that sort of age which I can't afford to give them (actually I'd probably be jealous if he didn't take me too )

just a thought to consider - I was taken on some fab holidays by a rich aunt when I was 11ish, my elder sister had been going on them with her for a while. but I know there were issues in the family around repaying the favour. in the end i think my parents squared it with themselves that my aunt loved spending the time with us (she didn't have the happiest nuclear family life) and that balanced the immense amounts of money being spent on us.

interestingly i have been in the other situation too, as a childless aunt in a big city, offering to have nieces to stay. it was hardly ever taken up as an offer and I do recall how angry and frustrated it made me feel, as it was such a 'free' offer of generosity, sincerely made, and I wanted to spend time with them I was denied. I still don't know exactly why it wasn't taken up - at least some of it was my sister thinking her kids would play up and make my life hell tho! as well as thinking about the cost and time implications (they are busy kids with all manner of lessons/performances etc).

so in truth there is probably a lot going on here. if you can, try and put yourself in your sister's shoes as a parent where guilt and anxiety become your middle names. you have to respect her wishes as the parent, no matter what an amazing opportunity it is.

starting small sounds like a good idea. unless you can bite the bullet, employ a good therapist/coach, and try opening honest and calm discussions with your sis about what the issues are and how you can help over come them.

Read and reread all these post and still think people on here while understanding the fears are being irrational, this fear of this accident is a possibility but the chances of it happening are small

However I guess I will never understand this.

rang my mum up and asked how she felt when we went on holiday on our own and she said that once the plane landed she knew we were in good hands and was OK with it.

In my mind I would be more reluctant to send a child on holiday with school or brownies then with a relative, but that is how I feel.

Anyway going to follow all your suggestions and take my niece for a weekend. Caving :)

OP I think you have to accept this is the choice your sister has made. I did notice you said you had not drunk alcohol for a couple of years earlier in the thread did it used to be an issue?

You have got awfully upset with some of the posters trying to explain why they feel your DSIS has made this decision, is this your reaction when your DSIS says no? I could honestly say it would be counterproductive to use that "snappy" attitude.

Parenthood isn't about being rational.

OP you made me smile, you do like adventure holidays don't you?

Caving? Oooh don't be surprised if your sister pulls a bit of a at this suggestion also.

Good luck though, I'm positive that you will continue to have a wonderful and loving relationship with your nieces, always.

I'm sure you're their 'favourite Aunty'

Alcohol used to be a problem in that it made me feel really ill.

She said no, I asked her why she said that niece was to young, it would have been nice to get a fuller explanation but I left it at that as there is no point in arguing.

I did not mean to get snappy I was just trying to get my point across, still don't really get what the big deal is about going abroad. I see kids travelling with schools, grand parents and older brothers all the time.

Half term is over anyway, first day back at school for my niece and i have booked a better skiing location for the third week in March, money saved will mean I can go in April as well!

LibraPoppyGirl that was a joke, contrary to popular belief I am not that irresponsible.

Not been caving for a few years now, probably something to do with stopping drinking :)

I wasn't being critical Bonfire I was giggling at it. I did think it sounded like it was rather tongue in cheek

I think you have a great relationship with your nieces and I applaud you for it. I wish my brother was as involved with my DS

It really doesn't matter what her reasons are, she has said No, she doesn't even have to have a reason, she is the Mum. She said No.

Last time I went skiing in France I tore my ACL, I am an excellent skier but had a (fairly common) skiing accident. Luckily I was there with my DH so my DS was at no point left unsupervised while I was in hospital in a foreign country.

This would be one of the reasons I would say no to your request. What if you had an accident skiing (which is very dangerous), who is going to look after my kid in a foreign country where she does not speak the language? How am I going to know there is a problem if you are somehow incapacitated?

Your complete inability to grasp the problem here would actually make me very hesitant to let you have my children at all, I don't understand why this is so hard for you to get?

Children are not toys. There is nothing in the world I care about more than my DS's nothing, the thought of them being in the above situation makes me feel sick, so why risk it for the sake of my sister having a fun holiday?

We let BIL take DS1 skiing in France when he was 9 but it was a very big decision. In the end we were happy because there were four adults going - BIL's very nice girlfriend, her brother and his GF. I'm not sure if I would have allowed it on a 1 to 1, more from the point of view of there being back up if anything had happened. Also, BIL had very little experience of children (ditto all the others) but I reckoned that surely out of four one of them would remember to feed him and make sure he was wearing warm clothes

But I would also feel it's all on the sisters terms, she cannot expect to have free, quality childcare on tap and not give a little back.

That is a truly bizarre statement. The 'giving a little back' in this case being letting her 9yo get on a plane and go abroad without her? Wouldn't a big bunch of flowers or some gift tokens be more appropriate? I thought we'd established that the daughter wasn't a possession.

When I said that I meant the sister could give OP a little more explanation so that it didn't take her asking here to be able to understand a little better.

The sister could have said that she knows it's slightly irrational, and that of course it wasn't that she didn't trust OP, it was more about her own feelings.

Btw, it could also be partly that the sister doesn't know the healthcare system in Austria. at least if it was in this country but a long way away you would know the sort of care you would get in this country. that would be one of the things that worried me anyway.

Today at 13.30 got a phone call, can I collect both nieces, give them a meal (thank God for MacDonalds) then take them home at 18.30, then run the older one to Brownies, so so tempted to say no to busy, got an appointment. But that would have put them in deep sewage so being an idiot I said OK.

Back to snapping

Morloth I wouldn't have your children. Also skiing is not very dangerous, injuries are relatively rare, 3 in 1000 is the average, 0.69 fatalities per million skiers. Niece does horse riding which is far more dangerous.

Have you been abroad Morloth?

English is widely spoken especially in resorts so this foreign language thing is not an issue.

how would you know there was problems, telephones are widely available. Most of the holiday companies staff will be from UK or able to speak excellent English

Fact is the only difference of taking niece on holiday here or abroad is the aeroplane instead of the car.

You are enjoying this arent you bonfire? You are taking your resentment for your sister and her parenting out on us.

But that is not fair. We are trying to be nice and helpful to you.

A kid in our town was killed skiing. A 9 year old. So, yes, I would say skiing is dangerous.