Is my sister BU not letting niece go on holiday

[Bonfire]

My niece is 9 nearly 10. Two years ago I asked my sister if I could take her skiing to Italy, I was just told no.

Which was OK but that summer sister allowed her friend (she has a daughter same age) to take her for a week on holiday, this was to Wales.

Last year sister's friend again took my niece to Cornwell this time. Friend was called back to work during holiday and my niece was left with friend's parents.

I wanted to take my niece skiing again this year this time to Austria, I was willing to go half term, but I was told she is too young.

I am self employed with flexible hours so whenever my sister or her husband is not available I pick her up from school (this happens at least once every two weeks and always last minute), look after her and their 3 year old over school holidays, baby sit them when they want to go out.

I looked after the younger one for over a year as they could not get a nursery place, then working late into the night and weekends to then get my work done.

They let her go horse riding so it is not as if they do not want her taking part in dangerous sport (skiing is not that dangerous anyway), although when I wanted to take her horse riding I was told no.

I now hear she s being allowed to go away camping with Brownies.

Views please.

I am 25 and single.

My sister is in her very early 40s, has a toddler. She is great with her DD, her DH is a fantastic dad, two better parents you could hardly ever wish to have.

My DS is 5. Would I let my DS go with them abroad? No.

FWIW, you came on here asking mothers from a parenting perspective why your sister wouldn't let a 25yo take her DD on a trip abroad. You were told what we thought, and it sounds right to me.

Since then you have been increasingly judgey of your sister and snippy with us. Perhaps when you have grown up a little more, are a parent yourself you will see why your sister won't say yes to your demand.

Your niece is a person, not a prize to show off and make you look good. If that's what you need, FGS get a puppy or something. DN is hardly deprived, Disney and beaches are fabulous holidays. She is 9 FGS, plenty of time to have experiences with people who do genuinely have her best interests at heart.

If you don't want to look after your DN, or if providing care for them means you are up half the night then you need to tell your sister that you can't do it.

I would never leave a child of mine in your care.

FWIW I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time. I think in her situation I would be a bit resentful that I was fine for emergency childcare but when I wanted to spend some quality time with my niece on my terms I was snubbed. That would hurt a little. I also disagree with the posters who are questioning why you would want to take your neice away - well why wouldn't you - you are her aunt and obviously close to her!

Having said that OP I don't think you are helping yourself by seemingly refusing to take on board what almost everyone has said. Your sister has valid reasons for not wanting her dd to go skiing abroad with you. If she has never skied she may well be more concerned about the risk than you or anyone else who skis frequently would be. Imho there is a world of difference between going away with a friend and their family a few hours drive and going abroad to do something she may perceive as risky.

I am sure if you offered a week away in this country your sister would be more than happy. And if she wasn't then I think you would be well within your rights to feel you are being used but not good enough for the fun stuff. I can understand why you don't want to do this as you prefer to pend your weeks away skiing. However I don't think you can infer anything from your sisters refusal other than she is not happy in this specific instance and sniping about notbeing trustworty enough to look after her is childish

My sister has kids of her own, is a wonderful mother and great with my kids....she still isn't taking my kids out of the country.

My niece lives 5 minutes down the road, we go on holidays together, I've spent loads of time with her (8yo), taken her on day trips etc. For our upcoming holiday (in Cornwall) she has asked to stay in our cottage instead of with her parents. We're as close as aunt and niece could be. In a million years I would never expect to be able to take her out of the country and I'm sure DSIL wouldn't let me, although niece would be desperate to go. It doesn't shake the very foundations of our relationship though, it's natural.

Do not mean to be snappy just tying to get my point across and to work out why going abroad is different then UK

After all if i take her to a hotel in Scotland we are on our own, if we go to Austria we go with a support network there and lots of professional around who will make any necessary arrangements should things go wrong.

But the fact people are writing things like

Your niece is a person, not a prize to show off and make you look good.

says that you to do not understand,

It is insulting

OP, how old is the other child?

Have you thought that the issue is you only offering to take one of them? Maybe your sister (rightly) doesn't want to deal with the fallout from her oldest child getting to go on a fab foreign ski-ing holiday with her cool aunt, whilst the other does... what?

How would you have felt, as the younger sibling, if that had been you? What would you have been like to deal with for your mum?

And do you think your mum would have said yes to your solo trip abroad if only your sister had been able to go?

Leaving aside the issue of foreign countries/trust/dangerous sport and all the other (perfectly valid) reasons that have been stated, maybe this is it.

One thing is certain, though, the quickest resolution to this, is just to ask your sister why she won't say yes. Tell her that it's making you feel she doesn't trust you and ask her reasons.

FWIW, though, in her position, I'd be saying no, too, because I'd be mother to two children, one of whom is being left out in a way I couldn't compensate for.

What 9yr olds, almost 10yr olds say and what they are actually comfortable with is a whole diffrent kettle of fish IME

If my sister, hypothetically
(admitedley is 18 yrs older than you, has a 14yr old & 10 yr old, not that she would, too expensive)
were to ask my 2 if they wanted to go on holiday with her & her family they both would say yes like a shot.
The eldest, hes 12, would love it,
the youngest tho, hes 9, 10 in Sep,
I can say without a doubt, wouldnt want to go in the end.
Even if all tickets, accommodation had been booked etc etc
How do I know this, simple, He's my child, also we experienced something along these lines a little while back,
hes a quiet/retireing sort of child, unlike his brother!!

Just a thought

Why not start smaller? There is a difference between holiday here and abroad whatever you may think of that. Maybe take your niece somewhere in this country first, then try the skiing. It's a bit 0-60 in one leap otherwise.

Abroad vs the UK...

If you take your niece to Scotland and she falls and breaks her leg, she's a few hours drive or train ride away. It's 'oh, my God, she's in what hospital, oh, my God... get in the car!' and you're on your way.

If she braks her leg (or worse) in a foreign country it's airlines, passports, potentially visas, days worth of emergency childcare for the little one, flight delays, closed airports, driving in a foreign country, unfamiliar standards of medical care, doctors and nurses that no-one can understand, flights home with a sick and injured child, maybe days or weeks later... nightmare. It is different.

And that's without what happens if you are injured. Here, you're hurt, and the little girl can speak to a nurse and ring her mum. It's not great but it's managable (although I note she's always gone away before with groups!) But abroad... then this little girl is alone in a foreign country, with people who don't even speak the same language as her. She can't communicate, she doesn't understand the currency, how to make a phone call home and it could be a day (or more) before her parents can get to her. The fact that she's with 'professionals who will help' won't cut much ice against this, because who the hell knows who they are.

That's why all the parents are saying abraod makes a difference... because it does, OP. It really does.

Why not book her a lesson at a snow centre as a treat, if you really want to share your hobby.

If you are likely to be going away with other 20 somethings, none of whom have chidlren, then the novelty would wear off pretty quickly for both of you. If either of you had an emergency you'd also have to deal with the language and cultural barrier adn the complicatiosn of getting home. At 9 she isn't mature enoguh to manage that. In a school group or with family there would be other adults to help out.

YABU. But I rather suspect that you'll never accept the fact

ginny-bag, well done for bothering to explain. I was just totally gobsmacked that the op did not realize this herself. But maybe that is just another thing you just dont "get" if you are not a parent, and have never travelled abroad with a child.

(having had my son hospitalized in three different countries, from India and Poland, and Norway before living here, I know it is a nightmare. And having had my husband injured in a fourth country, having to drag kids with me to hospitals.... Total nightmare.) There are so many things you never have to think about if you dont have any dependants.

Your sister is right to refuse. I hope the fact that you cant see this wont ruin your relationship.

OP said:
After all if i take her to a hotel in Scotland we are on our own, if we go to Austria we go with a support network there and lots of professional around who will make any necessary arrangements should things go wrong.

Well take her to Scotland then!

As parents we worry about our children 24/7, we can't help it.

My DS is 13yo (going on 20 in his mind) and I worry about him constantly when he is out with his friends/staying at a friends house.

As parents we have to gradually get used to the idea that our children are growing up each and every day and will want to experience new things as they go along. We want them to spread their wings as they grow but it's difficult for us.

To be asking to take your niece overseas for a holiday, is from your perspective not unreasonable. What you have to understand though, is that even though you obviously adore your nieces, you don't have the same feelings as your sister.

I do not doubt that you love them with all of your heart, and neither does your sister. She obviously has every confidence in you as a carer, she trusts you, she knows you will always look after them. So much so that she is more than happy to have you play, what is obviously, a large part in their lives. She does trust you.

The issue about taking them overseas though, does not lie with anything to do with you, it's just something she, as a parent, is not ready for yet.

Give it a few years and I am sure you'll find things will change. She's a parent, there are no manuals for being a parent, it's something we muddle through and learn about as we go along. What you're asking is a big thing. To take her child out of the country. Whether it is quicker to get to somewhere in Europe than it is to Cornwall or Scotland, is irrelevant. It's the comfort of knowing your child is not in a foreign land without you.

Please understand this is nothing to do with your capabilities as an Aunty, you are doing a great job and it is obviously one that your sister greatly appreciates and is keen to encourage. She's just not ready for this yet.

Be kind, and others have said, start off smaller and in the UK. If you don't want to do that, then that's fine too. Wait a bit and see how things are in a few years.

My son has been on lots of holidays with my Mum, and he loves his Nan dearly and I trust her implicitly. However, she has never taken him overseas. I've never before felt comfortable with that. She is though taking him to New York for his 14th birthday. He's a bit older now and I'm feeling comfortable with this. I'll still be a bundle of nerves while he's away though, but I have reached the stage where I am ready for this .

Wait a while and offer to take BOTH children somewhere nearer for a weekend.

QuintessentialShadows... I genuinely think that it is one of those things you won't get.

Even travelling abraod with your own kids becomes SOOOOO much more stressful!

Your sister is NBU. I know it sounds hard to understand but perhaps she feels her friend was OK taking her DD as it was in the same country plus the friend has a child of simelar age and so she feels more comfortable. My sister takes mine out (she has no children) and is fantasic with them but I wouldn't let anyone take them abroad until perhaps teenage. If she isn't comfortable with it don't push it. Can't you stick with days out in the UK instead?

Yes, agree with Ginnybag and Quintessentialshadows above. I'd love to go abroad with my own DD and DH, but scared of something going wrong and having to rely on a different system, something I would never have thought of before I had children. I've previously travelled to all sorts of far flung places without a care. I can sort of see why your sister is not keen. It is probably nothing to do with not trusting you at all.

Maybe try asking her if you could take your niece on holiday/ weekend away in this country first?

I also agree that abroad is a different story. I have friends who have gone abroad without their kids and I always think what if they had to get back quickly as something went wrong, imagine not being able to get to your child for 12/24+ hours! Unthinkable...Some can do it and that is fine but it can't be expected to be compulsary. It is not a favour when it is forced.

I'd just continue being a good auntie as you have been so far..... Drop the skiing thing as you have been given the answer which is 'no'.
Parents dont have to justify saying no.

I think OP is being given a hard time here.

It is understandable that she gets called on for all sorts of emergencies, provides alot of childcare on her sisters's terms, and then is made to feel like she can't be trusted enough to take a 10yo on holiday.

I wouldn't let my ds's go either, I freal slightly when their own Dad takes them out of the country without me, so I do think that's understandable.

But I would also feel it's all on the sisters terms, she cannot expect to have free, quality childcare on tap and not give a little back. The sister is very lucky to have someone to look after her children that obviously loves them this much and it's not unreasonable that OP would start to feel slightly resentful.

yabu.

overseas is a whole different kettle of fish.

take her somewhere in the uk.

but you won't because you're insisting on making a point which is it's the same thing - but it's not!

also sounds like you're getting resentful of all the help you're giving her. so best thing is to step back and not give so much.

I don't think the OP is being unfairly treated curlymama. She needs to understand though that as a parent, her sister will have inbuilt fears (as unreasonable as they may seem to the non parent) that goes with the territory of being a parent.

The OP obviously loves her nieces and her sister knows this and obviously thinks a great deal of the OP and trusts her to look after the children and have them to stay at her home.

The OP is getting something out of this relationship too don't forget. She has a wonderfully close relationship with her nieces, she just needs to give her sister time.

There is no malice here and no one is being taken advantage of, there is no need to feel resentful. She just needs to accept her sisters feelings on the matter and respect them too.